Am I over reacting?

[Spicydicey449]

Hi,

I'm 28, I've been dating this guy (27) for about 7 months now. Its recently long distance while he finishes his PhD.

So, it's been a pretty solid relationship. I trust him. He's a good guy.

My current issue though is, this female friend he has. And not even her so much as this situation.

She has been the only decent friend he has had back in the state he's doing school in. His other friends are shitty. He doesn't realize it, but they are. But she has been good to him so I've supported their friendship. She knows about me, etc.

BUT, for Thanksgiving/currently he is on a trip with her and her other female friend. Which I already was iffy about, but I know he needs an outlet because genuinely all he does is work and have no friend time.

So I was like yeah, go.

But my bad was apparently not realizing the 3 of them were sharing a hotel room.

I guess it was *supposed* to be a 2 bedroom suite, but instead he's on the couch, but they're all sharing a room.

I said that it makes me uncomfortable, and that I assumed that he wouldn't be doing that.

Which assuming is always my bad.

But somehow he's the victim here saying that "he wasn't involved in the planning". Like sure, but get another room then?

I don't know, I have such a weird dating history that I can't even fully believe if I'm justified in being upset or not.

I genuinely don't believe he's in it to cheat on me, but it still feels highly disrespectful.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Spicydicey449 said:

 She has been the only decent friend he has had back in the state he's doing school in. Thanksgiving/currently he is on a trip with her and her other female friend. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been long distance and how much longer do you plan on being long distance? How far apart are you and how often do you see each other? Is there a reason he's traveling with this girl friend rather than visiting you? How long have they been "friends"?  

[Spicydicey449]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been long distance and how much longer do you plan on being long distance? How far apart are you and how often do you see each other? Is there a reason he's traveling with this girl friend rather than visiting you? How long have they been "friends"?  

We've been long distance just a couple months. And he has visited me once, and I've visited him once. 

We live too far to drive. About 18 hours, but an easy flight. and HOPEFULLY not long distance for more than a year. That's the goal.

He's been friends with her a while. They're in the same phd program. I genuinely don't/ didn't have an issue with their friendship prior. But it feels disrespectful on her and his behalf. 

And idk. Probably this was more affordable and spontaneous. I wouldn't have been able to get off work in the time frame they planned this I suppose. 

[d0nnivain]

Is he coming home for Christmas?   When can you go out there?  You need to meet this "friend" in person to determine if she is a threat to the relationship.  Going forward ask him to not share a hotel room with her again.  If he can't / won't agree to that you have a problem on your hands.  

[Gaeta]

20 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said:

BUT, for Thanksgiving/currently he is on a trip with her and her other female friend. Which I already was iffy about, but I know he needs an outlet because genuinely all he does is work and have no friend time.

His outlet should be you. His money and free time should be spent making his way to you. If I saw my bf once a month and he'd pick a trip with his friends instead of coming to me, he would not be my boyfriend. He's not 8 years old anymore, he does not 'need' friends time over his girlfriend time. 

[glows]

By saying he wasn’t involved in the planning in response to you it doesn’t sound like he sees things the way you do. He doesn’t think it’s disrespectful. It’s also weekend of and little he can do. They’re probably on their way home? 

Did he say anything about acknowledging how you feel and not doing it again? 

If he was going to cheat he can do it anywhere any time. No hotel room required. He probably thinks you’re overthinking and overreacting. If he’s not a disrespectful person in general this probably never crossed his mind that it would be offensive to you.

I’d talk it out in video chat /phone and hear from him how the trip went. For all you know it was hell and he didn’t sleep well and that’s the last time he’s ever traveling with these people or wants own room in future.

 

Edited November 26, 2023 by glows

[Alpacalia]

In all my relationships, my boyfriends have never stayed in rooms with female friends to save cash. I was not asked if I was cool with it and honestly, I genuinely didn't think it would happen... Neither I.

I don't think that you're asking for much for just expressing your feelings.

Years ago, when I was single, I shared a hotel room with one of my good male friends and my female friend. Honestly, nothing happened except there wasn't enough room. He ended up sleeping on the floor. We all laughed and the end.

But I was single.

He has a right to be happy, but you also have a right not to be uncomfortable.  I think that people's views on what's comfortable in a relationship are different.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 11/25/2023 at 7:01 PM, Spicydicey449 said:

I've been dating this guy

Is he officially your boyfriend? If not, you really don't have a say in it. If he is your boyfriend, he should have checked with you first to make sure you were okay with his trip's sleeping arrangement. It's also concerning that he didn't come to you for Thanksgiving instead.

[FredEire]

On 11/26/2023 at 1:01 AM, Spicydicey449 said:

Hi,

I'm 28, I've been dating this guy (27) for about 7 months now. Its recently long distance while he finishes his PhD.

So, it's been a pretty solid relationship. I trust him. He's a good guy.

My current issue though is, this female friend he has. And not even her so much as this situation.

She has been the only decent friend he has had back in the state he's doing school in. His other friends are shitty. He doesn't realize it, but they are. But she has been good to him so I've supported their friendship. She knows about me, etc.

BUT, for Thanksgiving/currently he is on a trip with her and her other female friend. Which I already was iffy about, but I know he needs an outlet because genuinely all he does is work and have no friend time.

So I was like yeah, go.

But my bad was apparently not realizing the 3 of them were sharing a hotel room.

I guess it was *supposed* to be a 2 bedroom suite, but instead he's on the couch, but they're all sharing a room.

I said that it makes me uncomfortable, and that I assumed that he wouldn't be doing that.

Which assuming is always my bad.

But somehow he's the victim here saying that "he wasn't involved in the planning". Like sure, but get another room then?

I don't know, I have such a weird dating history that I can't even fully believe if I'm justified in being upset or not.

I genuinely don't believe he's in it to cheat on me, but it still feels highly disrespectful.

It's an awkward one, I think you have a right to be upset and you did the right thing by being honest that it made you uncomfortable.

Still you need to trust that he's friends are just friends even ones of the opposite sex. Maybe just say you'd like clearer communication in the future.

[smackie9]

Some BF you have there....he can't be that into you if he doesn't desperately want to come see you instead of going on this trip with the girlies. Female or male, he chose them over you. Fail. 

[stillafool]

I'm surprised the other girl would agree to these sleeping arrangements.  He's a stranger to her and most women would not feel comfortable having to stay in the room with him there.

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 11/25/2023 at 5:01 PM, Spicydicey449 said:

Hi,

I'm 28, I've been dating this guy (27) for about 7 months now. Its recently long distance while he finishes his PhD.

So, it's been a pretty solid relationship. I trust him. He's a good guy.

My current issue though is, this female friend he has. And not even her so much as this situation.

She has been the only decent friend he has had back in the state he's doing school in. His other friends are shitty. He doesn't realize it, but they are. But she has been good to him so I've supported their friendship. She knows about me, etc.

BUT, for Thanksgiving/currently he is on a trip with her and her other female friend. Which I already was iffy about, but I know he needs an outlet because genuinely all he does is work and have no friend time.

So I was like yeah, go.

But my bad was apparently not realizing the 3 of them were sharing a hotel room.

I guess it was *supposed* to be a 2 bedroom suite, but instead he's on the couch, but they're all sharing a room.

I said that it makes me uncomfortable, and that I assumed that he wouldn't be doing that.

Which assuming is always my bad.

But somehow he's the victim here saying that "he wasn't involved in the planning". Like sure, but get another room then?

I don't know, I have such a weird dating history that I can't even fully believe if I'm justified in being upset or not.

I genuinely don't believe he's in it to cheat on me, but it still feels highly disrespectful.

He has only been able to make one friend, and it's a girl (fine to have female friends but is it really likely that out of thousands of students everything single male student was somehow terrible as a friend?). But he can also manage to be temporarily friends at the drop of a hat with two other girls. And sleep in their room.

Just no.

Edited December 7, 2023 by CaliforniaGirl