Am I getting feelings for someone? What to do?

[newLife99]

Hey everyone,

I'm a 30-year-old guy navigating the post-breakup single life after a 10-year relationship. The split blindsided me; we were high school sweethearts, engaged, and then all of a sudden she ended it, citing a loss of love. This left me with a profound distrust in 'Love,' vowing never to put myself in that vulnerable position again.

A few months later I started casually dating, with no intention to fall in love. This gave me a sense of control and safety, and I actually started feeling good about myself. This went on for a bit over a year and then, about a month ago, I went on a first date with someone who wasn't my usual type. To my surprise, we hit it off, and though nothing romantic happened, I couldn't stop thinking about her after the date. Soon after the date I went on a 2 weeks vacation abroad, and I honestly thought I'll just forget about her. However, we kept in touch during my two-week trip abroad, and upon returning we planned our second date. I was excited and couldn't wait to see her again. Our second date ended with a kiss, and again, I couldn't wait to see her again. It's been a while since I felt this way, and I can't quite pinpoint what it is about her that's lingering in my thoughts. And to be honest, this is really scary as I feel I'm putting myself in a vulnerable situation which I want to avoid. I'm also not sure how she feels about me, which is even scarier. She says she wants to see me, but she is also not the flirting type (at least not with me), so I'm not sure if she is really into me or not.

Here's where it gets tricky. I'm grappling with whether I should express my feelings, maybe I'm just overthinking things and I should play it cool, or break it off as a defense mechanism I've employed for the past 1.5 years. I fear rejection due to the scars of my previous breakup. While it's only been two dates, I find myself at a crossroads and could use some advice on how to navigate this. Is it normal to feel like this only after 2 dates, and should I risk laying my feelings on the table? This whole situation makes me feel angry with myself for ending up where I wanted to avoid....

Appreciate any insights!

Edited November 26, 2023 by newLife99

[Goodguy05]

Woah I think just slow down a bit and get to know her a little more before thinking about declaring your feelings and so forth. Unfortunately love is a risk because as you experienced it hurts when you lose it or it's gone. I know I've  had it happen 4 times to myself and many others have experienced losing someone. The only way to get close to someone is to be vulnerable and open your heart and let your guard down. I'd get to know her a lil more before getting serious. Take your time and try not to be so guarded you could end up sabotaging something really great. 

Edited November 26, 2023 by Goodguy05

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, newLife99 said:

. Is it normal to feel like this only after 2 dates, and should I risk laying my feelings on the table? 

Take your time and pace yourself. It's only been 2 dates. Perhaps just see how it develops. If you are not ready to date, that's ok but why put yourself out there then? 

Edited November 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

It's too soon to express your feelings.  Let the requests for more dates & your behavior on those dates (kissing etc) do the talking for you. 

[Alpacalia]

Try to relax a bit. You've met someone that you really like and are excited about and that must feel reeeally good.

But you're afraid that feeling will turn into something else (heartbreak). That'd be a bummer, sure, but you're 30, so probably done a lot of things that have had an outcome unlike you wanted. This would simply be another one of those things. Not unique, not something you couldn't deal with.

Of course, your past break-up hangs over your head in a situation like this. That sucks, but on the other hand, you must have alot of knowledge about yourself after that long relationship. You know what pulls you back, where you ought to put on the breaks and when to push pedals all the way to the floor. I can't really say what's the best thing for you to do in this situation, but I'm guessing you're not one to just hold your cards to your chest?

I mean it's two weeks since you last saw each other, just call her and tell her you want to meet for dinner next week.

[newLife99]

@Wiseman2

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Take your time and pace yourself. It's only been 2 dates. Perhaps just see how it develops. If you are not ready to date, that's ok but why put yourself out there then? 

To clarify, I've been intentional and clear about my approach to dating with everyone I've met. This approach of casual dating and not allowing me to develop feelings for anyone has given me confidence and actually made me feel good about myself. However, with this person, I find myself reevaluating my dating mindset over the past year, which has left me feeling a bit uncertain about how to proceed, and feeling scared as I'm very afraid of getting hurt again. I would love to know how she feels, just to avoid me getting hurt again, but at the same time I don't want to overthink things and maybe even scare her away. But you are right, it makes sense to take things slowly and see how they develop. And maybe not put too much thought into it

[d0nnivain]

30 minutes ago, newLife99 said:

I find myself reevaluating my dating mindset over the past year, which has left me feeling a bit uncertain about how to proceed, and feeling scared as I'm very afraid of getting hurt again. I would love to know how she feels, just to avoid me getting hurt again, but at the same time I don't want to overthink things and maybe even scare her away. 

Evaluate her actions not just her words.   In a few more weeks . . . AFTER Christmas & New Years before Valentine's day you can talk about it.  

[Ami1uwant]

Dating in adult life is very different than your HS sweetheart stuff.

you should be ready noe to do serious dating again vs just having fun.

I’m not sure if this is the first one you’ve kissed since your ex.

 

you should take it slower and don’t rush into your feelings because it can scare the other person off.  
 

Warning— don’t take the blinders off and miss the warning signs.  Given you are very different as you say, could mean you have incompatibility in a LTR or possible marriage.

 

[newLife99]

10 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

you should be ready noe to do serious dating again vs just having fun.

I’m not sure if this is the first one you’ve kissed since your ex.

To clarify, I've been actively dating for the past year and have been with a significant number of women. During this time, I've been able to block any possible emotions, which made things easier for me (I acknowledge it might seem a bit selfish, but it's what I needed). However, unexpectedly, I find myself feeling completely different about this particular person. It wasn't planned, and now I'm unsure about how to navigate these emotions and what steps to take

[Ami1uwant]

36 minutes ago, newLife99 said:

To clarify, I've been actively dating for the past year and have been with a significant number of women. During this time, I've been able to block any possible emotions, which made things easier for me (I acknowledge it might seem a bit selfish, but it's what I needed). However, unexpectedly, I find myself feeling completely different about this particular person. It wasn't planned, and now I'm unsure about how to navigate these emotions and what steps to take

What happened to make her different snd you not guarded?  What made her differrnt as you describe?

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, newLife99 said:

To clarify, I've been actively dating for the past year and have been with a significant number of women. During this time, I've been able to block any possible emotions, which made things easier for me (I acknowledge it might seem a bit selfish, but it's what I needed). However, unexpectedly, I find myself feeling completely different about this particular person. It wasn't planned, and now I'm unsure about how to navigate these emotions and what steps to take

I think why we are attracted to people can differ. In a healthier scenario it may be two people who share common interests and are excited to potentially be a part of each others lives going forward. In a less healthy case it may be a longing or a representation of something that went badly in previous relationships you want to chase after and fix.

Since it seems to be going well the obvious answer seems to be just to relax pursue it and see where it goes, but factors like this are worth bearing in mind.

[glows]

Do you really know her at all after 2 dates? The entire post was about your first flush of feelings and butterflies, feeling an attraction. Yet you have no idea what she even thinks about you and she seems to have the poker face down pat. She doesn’t flirt and appears mysterious and unreadable to you. I suspect you’re more taken in with the mysterious air she puts on and not actually her. You don’t know her at only 2 dates in. 

Keep going on dates and enjoy the time together. If she’s keeping those walls up and doesn’t want to express herself id consider this an orange flag this early. You shouldn’t have to work so hard to know without a doubt someone is really interested in you.

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, I think I understand: you really like this woman, so you're going to pull away! 

Look, in life some of the best friendships and love affairs I've had were with people I didn't imagine I would like. That's just a sign that your template for who you want to date doesn't really match who you really like. 

Always go with the good feeling--even if the person is outside your usual attraction zone. Now, don't go with the good feeling if the person shows signs of psychological disturbance or is an addict and so on. 

Keep talking to this woman. This is the thing about dating. Ideally, it's gradual. We mee someone and we like them, we get their number and we talk to them. We enjoy talking to them, we suggest (ask out) we meet up some time. We meet up and enjoy it, we suggest meeting up again. It's literally step by step. Now, you seem to have fallen in love with this new woman. That happens, but don't pay attention to that in a literal sense. Just see that feeling as a sign that you want to spend more time with this person. You spend more time and you can get real information about the person to see if they are really safe to love.