Contact after more than 10 years ?

[Kamila]

Hello all,

I'll start with the cliché 'this guy...' Well, it's like my title says: 'he contacts me after 10 years...'

I'm even blinking my eyes on the screen and thinking 'is this message even real, am i dreaming/having a nightmare' ???

Back to the past, we've known each other at work for 3 months and started dating. Quite explosively.

It got 'out of control' and he wanted too much too soon, and I froze and made a scene... yadayada...

A day after, my contract at work abruptly ended and I was send off to another work project.

I was left devastated because I really 'liked' that guy at the time.

We meet one time after and he told he wasn't looking for anything serious and he was still thinking about his ex or something.

So it fizzled out and he even admitted we started too soon and too fast.

And now 10 years later, he sends me a message, 'how are you doing...'

Bleh ...

[Foxhall]

I am on the wavelength I want to rekindle an old relatively brief relationship from roughly the same time ago,  dispense with the current life (well not that its bad or anything- but there is a little something missing) and go back in time and build again,

I know in my heart now that the one from ten years ago is the right one for me,

I suppose Im talking more serious soul mates marriage type stuff-

Yours is more for the sexual excitement-  well maybe hes like me and he feels your his greatest love and all that- I doubt it though-

I suppose no harm in exploring where it might go at least.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Kamila said:

he told he wasn't looking for anything serious 

Are you interested in him or reestablishing contact?  It seems like he's bored or lonely or looking for a quick fix or just broke up with someone. If you're not interested, you could simply delete and block him. 

[Alpacalia]

So what has changed from now until then that he will be more into a serious relationship now than he was before? I assume he didn't tell you?

I mean, what is the purpose behind the message? Did something trigger a memory or is he just bored and scrolling through his contacts?

[Kamila]

8 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I am on the wavelength I want to rekindle an old relatively brief relationship from roughly the same time ago,  dispense with the current life (well not that its bad or anything- but there is a little something missing) and go back in time and build again,

I know in my heart now that the one from ten years ago is the right one for me,

I suppose Im talking more serious soul mates marriage type stuff-

Yours is more for the sexual excitement-  well maybe hes like me and he feels your his greatest love and all that- I doubt it though-

I suppose no harm in exploring where it might go at least.

 

 

Yes, that's what I also thought. There could be no harm in exploring, but i'm hugely hesitating about opening that 'can of worms'.

And the sexual excitement part that you're mentioning is also ringing a bell in my head.

If he said that i'm his greatest love, i would laugh in his face i guess :)

[Kamila]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you interested in him or reestablishing contact?  It seems like he's bored or lonely or looking for a quick fix or just broke up with someone. If you're not interested, you could simply delete and block him. 

'Interested' isn't the right word, it's more of a 'hey, that guy didn't forget about me... but why...',

About that quick fix, well we didn't really got to that part 10 years ago. Sure it was on the table, but I stopped it because it went too fast.

Maybe there's something about unfinished business here.

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, Kamila said:

Back to the past, we've known each other at work for 3 months and started dating. Quite explosively.

It got 'out of control' and he wanted too much too soon, and I froze and made a scene... yadayada..

Could you elaborate on this a little more.  What do you mean you froze and made a scene?

[Kamila]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

So what has changed from now until then that he will be more into a serious relationship now than he was before? I assume he didn't tell you?

I mean, what is the purpose behind the message? Did something trigger a memory or is he just bored and scrolling through his contacts?

I think, and I remember a conversation we had in that time period, that he was too young to settle down.

The purpose behind the message is unknown to me. Personally, I think it's just the time lapse and maybe some memory trigger.

Sure he could also be bored, he didn't tell me his reasons.

[Kamila]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Could you elaborate on this a little more.  What do you mean you froze and made a scene?

 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Kamila said:

 it's more of a 'hey, that guy didn't forget about me... but why...m,aybe there's something about unfinished business here.

Are you interested in communicating with him or getting together to catch up? He's probably just gone on and lived his life the past decade, just like you have. Maybe he recently ended a relationship and was backtracking through his contact list. 

[Kamila]

36 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Could you elaborate on this a little more.  What do you mean you froze and made a scene?

Well, we went out (the movies, restaurant, walk in the part), but he kept pushing for me to go to his place.

I said I wouldn't go there ( it's too soon, i'm not comfortable, we're still colleagues ...)  well basically i tried to slow things down with him.

And then, i made a huge mistake and eventually went to his place.

I set the condition that i wouldn't sleep with him, i just wanted to see where he lived, spend some time with him, talking...

He innocently accepted my condition and i naively fell into his trap.

Oh yes, did i mention that in that period i never slept with a guy before ? I told him that, but it's like he wasn't listening to me.

So back to his place, the moment i got in there, he threw me on his couch trying to do stuff to me.

I eventually managed to set some distance between him and myself and he cooled down. Well, i thought he was ...

He offered me some food and suggested we saw a movie.

I thought i made some progress, but he got irritated when i tried to hold his arm, (i think i was trying the more slow and affectionate approach at the time...).

Nevertheless he got angry and told me not to touch him, that we went too far, etc ...

That broke me, i couldn't get past that guy only trying to sleep with me, i wanted him to see past my appearance and really trying to get to know me.

We were colleagues afterall...

So i stood up and told him i wanted to leave, he just stared at me and asked me why i'm blocking this.

I panicked and started crying because he wouldn't let me leave. I fell the walls closing in on me.

I remember him standing up and holding me in his arms trying to console me.

But after awhile i just wanted to get out.

(writing this here and reminiscing after 10 years is making me a bit emotional btw)

He lead me to the front door of his building, blocking the entrance and looking at me pleadingly.

I know i half laughed/cried at him 'you still don't want to let me go eh ?'

He opened the door, and i went out into the chill night air... the rest of the story got buried somewhere...

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Kamila said:

I panicked and started crying because he wouldn't let me leave. I fell the walls closing in on me.

Why didn't you delete and block him after what you're describing here happened and why do you even care that someone like this contacted you? He seems like a creep.

[Kamila]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why didn't you delete and block him after what you're describing here happened and why do you even care that someone like this contacted you? He seems like a creep.

Well, i thought about blocking him on my professional network at that time. But then i thought it couldn't do any harm by keeping him on that platform, right ?

Poor boundaries has always been an issue with me for the last 10 years, even more, and i'm working on that.

'Saying no' has been a challenge and lately i've been putting it into practice. And now he comes along, and it's like i'm tested again.

Caring ? Mmmm... it's curiosity, but not caring, i know how he treated me at that time. Like crap, and yes, he seems like a creep.

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry you had that experience with him.  I agree with Wiseman that he is a creep.  It is clear he had no interest in getting to know you or making you feel comfortable at his home. He just wanted to do the deed.  It was also ungentlemanly of him to let you go out into the night alone instead of accompanying you home.  I would have blocked him from ever being able to contact me again. I certainly wouldn't be thinking of giving him a second chance to see if he has changed.  Let sleeping dogs lie.

Him telling you he's not looking for anything serious is telling you that again he only wants sex.  Is that what you are looking for?  Sex with no commitment?

Edited November 26, 2023 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Kamila said:

 it's curiosity, but not caring, i know how he treated me at that time. Like crap, and yes, he seems like a creep.

It's never too late to delete and block him. From your recollection and description of an almost daterape type situation, why bother with a weirdo like this? 

Curiosity isn't a great reason to stay in touch. Are you somehow hoping he transformed into a decent person? 

[Alpacalia]

He sounds like a prize...

NOT.

Well, I see now why he looked you up.

Please stop interacting with this person, he's a jerk.

[smackie9]

Don't respond...just let that opportunity fade away. 

[basil67]

This was attempted date rape.  And you didn't make a scene, you defended yourself.   Can you imagine how many other women he's done this with?

Please block him on all platforms.

[Kamila]

On 11/27/2023 at 12:51 AM, stillafool said:

I'm so sorry you had that experience with him.  I agree with Wiseman that he is a creep.  It is clear he had no interest in getting to know you or making you feel comfortable at his home. He just wanted to do the deed.  It was also ungentlemanly of him to let you go out into the night alone instead of accompanying you home.  I would have blocked him from ever being able to contact me again. I certainly wouldn't be thinking of giving him a second chance to see if he has changed.  Let sleeping dogs lie.

Him telling you he's not looking for anything serious is telling you that again he only wants sex.  Is that what you are looking for?  Sex with no commitment?

I appreciate the sympathy. Yes, I was wondering at that period if all guys treated women like that. Apparently not. Damn, i was clueless at that time.

No, i'm not looking for a relationship without commitment.

Well, we didn't communicate at all after his message (after 10 years). I never responded, so i don't know what he's thinking.

One woman at the time knew about my story and she told me he'll never forget the way I left.
That guy was practically certain that i was going to sleep with him the minute i agreed on going to his place. And when i didn't ...
This almost date rape scenario keeps circling in my head, i avoided a catastrophe...

[Kamila]

On 11/27/2023 at 12:55 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It's never too late to delete and block him. From your recollection and description of an almost daterape type situation, why bother with a weirdo like this? 

Curiosity isn't a great reason to stay in touch. Are you somehow hoping he transformed into a decent person? 

Yes, i'm hoping that, but it's not realistic is it ? Can people really change ? And can i ever trust a person like that ? I don't think so.

[Kamila]

On 11/27/2023 at 2:42 AM, Alpacalia said:

He sounds like a prize...

NOT.

Well, I see now why he looked you up.

Please stop interacting with this person, he's a jerk.

Why he looked me up ? Because i was gullible at the time ? And he still thinks i still am ?

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, Kamila said:

Why he looked me up ? Because i was gullible at the time ? And he still thinks i still am ?

No. Because he's a jerk. He'll continue being one if you don't remove him from your life.

Edited November 28, 2023 by Alpacalia