Husband told me the other day jokingly he would smother me to death and make it seem like and accident

[Texssbound80]

Im worried about something my husband said too me the other night .A few days ago , he walks in my room in the middle of the night to ask me if I have insurance so he can get his hair scalp looked at , as he’s having some hair itchiness and redness . While he is talking too me He’s looking nervous , fumbling his pockets . I asked him “are you okay” . He says yeah I’m fine , I think I have a disease on my scalp “ “I’m worried” . I tell him oh it’s no big deal , it’s just a little dandruff you will be fine “. He walks over to ny bed and starts laughing and he jokingly say to me “you are lucky I like you otherwise I would smother you to death and make it look like a accident “ he says oh I’m just joking and he leaves and says “go to bed , you should be sleep “. Our relationship is on the rocks , we sleep in seperate rooms , no xes in almost a year and a half . Every since then he’s been talking to me normal like nothing happenned . 

Back story 

My Husband and are having some major
Major problems . For starters we have only been married two and a half years yet we Havent been intimate in almost a year and half . We haven’t kissed like French kiss in almost two years and we also sleep in seperate rooms for over two years . 
We haven’t went out in a date in over eight months . My birthday was two months ago and he didn’t buy my anything for my birthday , nor for holidays etc.  
When is try to intitial sex  his response is “the mood has to be right “ this has been going on for almost a year and a half . 15 months to be exact . 


I tried being nice and doing all the things a wife should do . 
I cook , clean , don’t nag him , I stay out of his way , I even bought him little gifts to show him I love him such as clothes , socks and shoes , but he will still just eat and go right to bed right after I get off work . When I come home from work , he will talk a little bit and then go to his room and when I try to enter his room he’s agitated and asks me to leave him alone . I even bought this dude a whole wardrobe because he had hardly no clothes and shoes and he barely said thank you . For the past two years , I let this dude drive my brand new car to do rideshare . I have really helped him yet it treats me with such indifference . I haven’t met his family , nor any close friends of his he will not show me pictures of his kids . He won’t even let me see his bank statements or anything personal . I even found out recently he lied about his educational background and where he grew up . 

I have even offered counseling to try to save our marriage , but that didn’t work , he would attenda few times but then he won’t put in the work after our sessions  and and now when I try to ask him to attend he refuses to attend any future sessions with me .
Now he’s accusing me of cheating on him . Everytime I get a call he’s accusing me of being on the phone with another man . Yet he doesn’t treat me the best . The other night , I got a call from my sister in the middle of the night , I guess he heard me on the phone with her , and the next day , he came in my room using his hand to push my head down into the bed and kept asking me “who were you on the phone with puss” I responded my sister . He responded “stop lying puss” and pushed my head down into the bed again multiple times . He was laughing it off , but I thought to myself I don’t know about this guy . He refuses to tell me anything personal about himself . The other day Inasked him how much he owes in student loans . His response was “don’t ask me no personal questions puss” . If I ask him how money he makes , or see pictures of his children with his first wife -‘his reponse is “you must obey me and do everything I say . He basically wants a slave . 

When it comes to bills , I pay the majority of the bills . He pays only half the rent , and he pays me increments - maybe 200 to 300 a week . All the other bills I pay by myself , I pay the car note , cable bill , credit cards , most of the car insurance and all the food and tolietries . For the life of me , he actually had  the audacity to ask me to cook for Thanksgiving . I responded - ok but are you going to buy the food for me to cook it . His response “was no you got it “. Just because I make more money than he does , he doesn’t want to pay for anything, outside of half of the rent . 

[ ] 

Edited November 26, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed link

[Wiseman2]

How long were you dating before you got married? How old is he? Do either of you have children from previous relationships?

Is it your place, his place or do you co-own or co-lease. Where did you live before? Do you have friends and family nearby? 

Please research "signs of abusive relationships".  Consult an attorney for information, support and advice about your situation and an annulment or divorce. 

You both seem stressed, resentful,  contemptuous and unhappy. It's unclear why you married someone you know nothing about. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Texssbound80 said:

he jokingly say to me “you are lucky I like you otherwise I would smother you to death and make it look like a accident “ 

There are resources and information for you: https://www.aetv.com/real-crime/signs-an-abusive-partner-may-kill-you

 

[d0nnivain]

Get out & get a lawyer.  This marriage is not salvageable.  

[Texssbound80]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you dating before you got married? How old is he? Do either of you have children from previous relationships?

Is it your place, his place or do you co-own or co-lease. Where did you live before? Do you have friends and family nearby? 

Please research "signs of abusive relationships".  Consult an attorney for information, support and advice about your situation and an annulment or divorce. 

You both seem stressed, resentful,  contemptuous and unhappy. It's unclear why you married someone you know nothing about. 

We dated for a few months prior to getting married . He’s 42 and I am 43 years old .He has three children from his previous marriage . I have no children . We live in a an AIR BNB  which is up on December 31st. I have no family or friends nearby . I used to live in Houston but moved to North Carolina for work . 

[d0nnivain]

Start making arrangements now for where you will live without him when this airbnb is up 

[BaileyB]

This isn’t a marriage. I would file for divorce and make it official. 

[stillafool]

Why did you marry him in the first place?  Was he this way when before you married him?  It is clear he's just using you.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 11/26/2023 at 12:47 PM, Texssbound80 said:

he came in my room using his hand to push my head down into the bed and kept asking me “who were you on the phone with puss” I responded my sister . He responded “stop lying puss” and pushed my head down into the bed again multiple times .

Get away from this man and go straight to a divorce lawyer.

He is dangerous. I am very concerned that you are not already running as fast as you can and instead have been trying to pander to him. I am also concerned that you have posted this before. This story is very familiar in some of the details you offer. 

What exactly are you still doing there? 

[LuckyM]

I agree. This marriage is finished, over and maybe dangerous. The comment he made is no joke----only very dark humor.

There seems no love here, only hate and anger. Possible he cheats on you too.  Get OUT. And be nice about it, too.

[ShyViolet]

It's really baffling and concerning that you have put up with this for as long as you have, let this man abuse you and take advantage of you financially, buy him things and pay most of the bills, and even "try to save the marriage."  Do you not see that this is a toxic and dangerous situation?  Where is your judgment and self-esteem?  You need to get away from this man for good, begin filing for divorce, and get into some serious therapy to unpack why on earth you have allowed this.

[glows]

On 11/26/2023 at 3:47 AM, Texssbound80 said:

I have even offered counseling to try to save our marriage , but that didn’t work , he would attenda few times but then he won’t put in the work after our sessions  and and now when I try to ask him to attend he refuses to attend any future sessions with me .
Now he’s accusing me of cheating on him .

I had a sickening feeling reading your post and so sorry you’re living with this but thankful you recognize a lot of things are SO very wrong. Note - Counselling is counterintuitive in abusive relationships. Stop trying to fix an abuser.

Find local support charities or organizations, you don’t have to be religious to ask for help from a local church, look at domestic violence shelters or support centres. You’re in a pattern of abuse and at risk relapsing dating the same type of abuser. Whatever taught you this is love is an illusion. This isn’t what love is. You have to start over and redefine everything you know or believe about in relationships, what type of partner you want to be with. Please stop paying for everything. You have an income and that’s a huge advantage. Use your funds and get out, get back on your feet and move on. Never have any contact again with him.

[Texssbound80]

I was talking a nap and I seen him out of the corner of my eye of him staring at me  at me as I was sleeping . I asked him why he would do that? He replied “don’t worry about the creepy stuff I do puss”? I have caught him before , where I was sleeping and I have seen him peeking through my bedroom door or in the hallway trying to check if I was asleep . Is this normal ? 

[MsJayne]

On 11/26/2023 at 9:47 PM, Texssbound80 said:

he came in my room using his hand to push my head down into the bed and kept asking me “who were you on the phone with puss” I responded my sister . He responded “stop lying puss” and pushed my head down into the bed again multiple times . He was laughing it off ,

Your husband is a domestic abuser. He's also a parasite, and, I suspect, much worse. I'll put $50 on the reason you've never met his family being that they'll tell you about his history, and he doesn't want you knowing about that because there'll be some murky stuff in his past. He's lied about his education, background, etc, so he's definitely hiding something. A jail term? A diagnosed mental illness? It's good that you're in temporary accommodation, makes it easier to get away from him. If I was in your situation I'd use the next three weeks to plan my escape. I'd make sure the rent was paid on the AirBnB until the 31st Dec, I'd arrange other accommodation for myself from, eg, the 28th Dec, (sooner if possible), and tell him a big fat lie about when and where "we" were moving to next, I'd pack a bag with only the things I need, (clothes, toiletries, personal documents, etc), and hide it somewhere ready to grab and leave after he'd retreated to his room for the night. If he has access to your money, bank accounts, etc, I'd arrange to change access details the same day I planned to leave. Once I was out I'd be straight to a lawyer to file for divorce, and if he threatens or intimidates you in any way, involve police.  One thing I wouldn't do is listen to anything he has to say, he clearly is able to easily manipulate and coerce you, so you need to protect yourself from that by blocking all contact options. May I ask if your family know what this leech is doing to you and what they think of it?

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Texssbound80 said:

I was talking a nap and I seen him out of the corner of my eye of him staring at me  at me as I was sleeping . I asked him why he would do that? He replied “don’t worry about the creepy stuff I do puss”? 

Please put a lock on your door until you can find another place to stay. Please sever all finances and put important belongings in a safety deposit box. Please have mail sent to a PO box. Can you afford an attorney for a divorce? Start calling around for a consultation and support information and advice on your situation and how to remove yourself from it.

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Texssbound80 said:

I was talking a nap and I seen him out of the corner of my eye of him staring at me  at me as I was sleeping . I asked him why he would do that? He replied “don’t worry about the creepy stuff I do puss”? I have caught him before , where I was sleeping and I have seen him peeking through my bedroom door or in the hallway trying to check if I was asleep . Is this normal ? 

Did you read any of the advice that people have already given you here?

[d0nnivain]

No it's not normal.  It's creepy & he's dangerous! 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Texssbound80 said:

Is this normal ? 

You know very well this is not normal. Come on. 

The question is, what are you going to do about it? 

[smackie9]

Do not tell him of your plans. Secretly plan an escape before this air bnb is up. Get a lawyer. If I were you I would record these conversations so you have documentation when you go for that restraining order because you will be needing it.