Disrespected?

[fred123]

Hi. I met a girl in the states a couple of months ago and hooked up several times.
She said she was heading to Europe a month later to stay for a whole month in France. We spoke about meeting up twice and I had booked plane tickets for travelling there twice in November.(I'm from london btw)
During the 4 week break since I came back she would message every day and cute flirty sweet things and tell me she misses me all the time and can't wait to see me.

5 days before the first trip she says she feels guilty because of a guy she is seeing back at home who is an ex but they are in an open kinda relationship and not sure if they are trying to rekindle things. She ends up calling off the first trip 5 days before I'm meant to go. I was super excited. 
I decided to still go anyway by myself and got my own hotel.  The original plan was to stay with her in her air bnb. So I paid for a hotel and went for the three days by myself. She had no idea I was still going until I messaged her when I landed.
The three days I was there I was only 20 minutes away from her air bnb but she never even met me for a half hour coffee. 
If a girl likes you and misses you wouldn't they want to see you if you are in the same city and especially when they love 10000 miles away and you don't know when you are going to see them again?  She said she wishes she could have seen me in person. But then why didn't she?! 

Am I ugly? 

Also the second trip we had organised we cane to a compromise that for the 5 days I'm going to see her next week I would stay in a hotel and hang out with her to do some of the tickets and stuff she's bought, xmas markets, sightseeing and dinner.  But I can't stay with her and I doubt she wants to stay with me. She said she's excited to have fun in thr city with me and can hang out in the city.
I'm not going all the way back to France and paying a lot of money for a hotel to spend a few hours with her every day. I don't even know if she would even meet me. I'm not allowed to spend any night together with her either.
I have two options apparently if I really want to see her- get a loan to pay for hotels and food or get a tent and sleep on the street. These are my options she said. 

Thoughts

[glows]

She’s toying with you and wants to see how far you’ll go and probably not see you anyway. When you say you’re not allowed to stay with her does that mean she’s still living with her ex? She’s using you. 

Are you originally from London working and living in the US or do you live in the Uk?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Why not date locally? You seem to spend a lot of time and money traveling and staying in hotels for potential hookups. 

[basil67]

You say that you "hooked up with her several times".  The wording you use suggests that this was a casual arrangement only.   And now she's having second thoughts about her ex and wants to keep boundaries in place with you.  Best to just walk away from her.

And no, you're not being disrespected.  It's just that she no longer wants that kind of relationship with you and it would be inappropriate to share a room.   While it's unfortunate that you bought flight tickets, she is not obliged to share her room or have sex if she doesn't want to.

[Gaeta]

She does not disrespect you it's the other way around you have a tendency of disrespecting yourself. 

People usually don't spend that type of money to go spend time with a hookup girl. That type of grandiose gestures are reserved for girlfriends/fiancée/wives. 

The whole 'I miss you' is only part of the sex play. She does not 'miss you' in her heart. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, fred123 said:

I have two options apparently if I really want to see her- get a loan to pay for hotels and food or get a tent and sleep on the street. These are my options she said. 

Don’t cross oceans for someone who wouldn’t step over a puddle for you.

WTF are you doing travelling to see a woman who has told you in as many words that she is not interested and having sex with another man. 

She hasn’t disrespected you as much as you have made the very poor decision to chase a woman who is not interested. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, fred123 said:

I decided to still go anyway by myself and got my own hotel.  The original plan was to stay with her in her air bnb. So I paid for a hotel and went for the three days by myself. She had no idea I was still going until I messaged her when I landed.
The three days I was there I was only 20 minutes away from her air bnb but she never even met me for a half hour coffee. 

You took it upon yourself to go anyway even though she cancelled. She doesn't owe you anything. 

[fred123]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You took it upon yourself to go anyway even though she cancelled. She doesn't owe you anything. 

Yes but I might as well gone. Tickets were paid and I did my own sightseeing so was fun.

Just find it strange she didn't want to see me yet wants to see me next week in France lol

[Alpacalia]

What do you mean, "am I ugly?"

I don't think whether you're ugly or not has anything to do with the situation.

Yes, it's poopie that she couldn't spare an hour for coffee. Then again, You're asking about a girl with whom you've had a physical relationship with several times, right?

She's not wanting to meet up with you because she didn't want to make good on the opportunity for physical intimacy. Whatever she has going on with this other man changed her mind in that she probably didn't think it would be a good idea to end up making love with you there in France, he's in the picture after all and if he were to find out that wouldn't go over well.

And what the heck are you thinking by getting a loan or sleeping on the street? That's nuts.

Edited November 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, fred123 said:

Just find it strange she didn't want to see me yet wants to see me next week in France lol

Why do find it strange when she already told you the trip was off and you ignored her and went anyway? 

She’d already friend-zoned you and told you she might be working things with her ex. I’m not sure why you thought this would go any differently just because you turned up anyway. 

She was clear beforehand that she didn’t really want to see you. It was your mistake to go anyway and expect something from her. 
 

[ZA Dater]

Read your post and I felt sad for you. Why, because I think you have been "used" to a degree here without realizing it and because you saw relationship in what is a casual situation. The way she behaved is not acceptable and I think in time you will see that perhaps this was not the person for you based on that behavior.

If I were you have no further contact with her at all.

[Weezy1973]

A hook up is not a relationship. Traveling to another country to see someone is relationship type behaviour; not hook up behaviour. You can pick things up after she gets back to London if you want, but I would cancel any plans to go see her. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, fred123 said:

 but I might as well gone. Tickets were paid and I did my own sightseeing so was fun.

If you want to take gambles that's fine but if others don't want to participate, you take your own risks. In  this case, you hoped just showing up would obligate her to see you, but unfortunately it seems almost creepy and like stalking. 

Edited November 27, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Foxhall]

16 hours ago, fred123 said:

I have two options apparently if I really want to see her- get a loan to pay for hotels and food or get a tent and sleep on the street. These are my options she said

I would tell her where to go if I received a message like that,

time to cut your losses now and delete her number.

[FredEire]

19 hours ago, fred123 said:

Hi. I met a girl in the states a couple of months ago and hooked up several times.
She said she was heading to Europe a month later to stay for a whole month in France. We spoke about meeting up twice and I had booked plane tickets for travelling there twice in November.(I'm from london btw)
During the 4 week break since I came back she would message every day and cute flirty sweet things and tell me she misses me all the time and can't wait to see me.

5 days before the first trip she says she feels guilty because of a guy she is seeing back at home who is an ex but they are in an open kinda relationship and not sure if they are trying to rekindle things. She ends up calling off the first trip 5 days before I'm meant to go. I was super excited. 
I decided to still go anyway by myself and got my own hotel.  The original plan was to stay with her in her air bnb. So I paid for a hotel and went for the three days by myself. She had no idea I was still going until I messaged her when I landed.
The three days I was there I was only 20 minutes away from her air bnb but she never even met me for a half hour coffee. 
If a girl likes you and misses you wouldn't they want to see you if you are in the same city and especially when they love 10000 miles away and you don't know when you are going to see them again?  She said she wishes she could have seen me in person. But then why didn't she?! 

Am I ugly? 

Also the second trip we had organised we cane to a compromise that for the 5 days I'm going to see her next week I would stay in a hotel and hang out with her to do some of the tickets and stuff she's bought, xmas markets, sightseeing and dinner.  But I can't stay with her and I doubt she wants to stay with me. She said she's excited to have fun in thr city with me and can hang out in the city.
I'm not going all the way back to France and paying a lot of money for a hotel to spend a few hours with her every day. I don't even know if she would even meet me. I'm not allowed to spend any night together with her either.
I have two options apparently if I really want to see her- get a loan to pay for hotels and food or get a tent and sleep on the street. These are my options she said. 

Thoughts

Stop chasing her, the last statement is a pretty clear hint she's not interested in continuing what she had with you.

It's possible that the open relationship thing was another excuse because she wasn't feeling as much interest any more but either way the entire thing sounds super complicated.

It was a hookup, think you should just view it as that take it for what it is and leave it in the past.

I also agree with others that the fact she's not totally closing the door is playing with you a bit to see how far you'll go. But it's more for attention than actual interest, she's done enough to show she's not really interested any more so the most dignified thing to do is walk away.

Edited November 27, 2023 by FredEire

[fred123]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why do find it strange when she already told you the trip was off and you ignored her and went anyway? 

She’d already friend-zoned you and told you she might be working things with her ex. I’m not sure why you thought this would go any differently just because you turned up anyway. 

She was clear beforehand that she didn’t really want to see you. It was your mistake to go anyway and expect something from her. 
 

She made me book plane tickets twice. I also have tickets tomororw back to France.

I'm not going to waste them.  It'd bad on her making me book tickets then changing everything and screwing me over. She was the one that was going on about that I should get used to being romantic as its the city of love. I even booked a romantic lunch and dinner cruise

[fred123]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you want to take gambles that's fine but if others don't want to participate, you take your own risks. In  this case, you hoped just showing up would obligate her to see you, but unfortunately it seems almost creepy and like stalking. 

Actually wouldn't you go if you had already paid 200 dollars for tickets. I got my hotel. I ended up meeting a French girl and doing all the sightseeing stuff with her.

The original girl was messaging me every day when I was there complaining why I was ignoring her then called me vengeful and manipulative for doing all those sightseeing things with someone else.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, fred123 said:

Disrespected?

 It doesn't seem like you were "disrespected". You simply went for another longshot situation. Unfortunately you seem to have a preference for going out of town on the off chance that you'll hookup. 

 

[smackie9]

You disrespected her boundaries. The trip was just for her, but you ignored it and just showed up anyways. I would be pissed. You were an uninvited guest crashing the party. 

And as anyone was saying, she's not a relationship, she's a hookup girl. There's no heart felt feelings involved with her. You have misunderstood what this is. 

[fred123]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

You disrespected her boundaries. The trip was just for her, but you ignored it and just showed up anyways. I would be pissed. You were an uninvited guest crashing the party. 

And as anyone was saying, she's not a relationship, she's a hookup girl. There's no heart felt feelings involved with her. You have misunderstood what this is. 

Excuse me? She told me to book tickets and come twice. The fact she said no 5 days before was fine. I still went anyways because I bought tickets so why can't I go?

And I met a French girl there and had fun. I had sent a text to her saying if she wanted to meet for a coffee on the Friday. She declined. OK no problem . 

Then why continue to text me the whole weekend and get annoyed when I'm doing my own thing? 

The point I'm making is if she really missed me she would have wanted to see me.  So the question is simple, why keep saying she misses me but when I'm actually there she has no interest in seeing me then continue to message me and put me down for having fun with another girl on my trip?

 

The people on here blaming me is ridiculous. 

[fred123]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you want to take gambles that's fine but if others don't want to participate, you take your own risks. In  this case, you hoped just showing up would obligate her to see you, but unfortunately it seems almost creepy and like stalking. 

The funny thing is if I turned up and didn't tell her she would have been asking me why I didn't tell her I was coming.  So then what would have been your answer?

She would have been annoyed I'd went with another girl and did things with her. 

She has no right to message me and expect replies let alone get annoyed I'm with someone else.

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, fred123 said:

Excuse me? She told me to book tickets and come twice. The fact she said no 5 days before was fine. I still went anyways because I bought tickets so why can't I go?

And I met a French girl there and had fun. I had sent a text to her saying if she wanted to meet for a coffee on the Friday. She declined. OK no problem . 

Then why continue to text me the whole weekend and get annoyed when I'm doing my own thing? 

The point I'm making is if she really missed me she would have wanted to see me.  So the question is simple, why keep saying she misses me but when I'm actually there she has no interest in seeing me then continue to message me and put me down for having fun with another girl on my trip?

 

The people on here blaming me is ridiculous. 

If someone cancels on you twice but goes anyway on their own speaks volumes in where you stand with this woman. 

 

 

 

[fred123]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

If someone cancels on you twice but goes anyway on their own speaks volumes in where you stand with this woman. 

 

 

 

So then why she keep messaging me and says she's sorry for the way she has been treating me and said she doesn't know why she's pushed me out so much

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, fred123 said:

So then why she keep messaging me and says she's sorry for the way she has been treating me and said she doesn't know why she's pushed me out so much

Because you haven't blocked her.   She's a timewaster, so just move on

[glows]

40 minutes ago, fred123 said:

So then why she keep messaging me and says she's sorry for the way she has been treating me and said she doesn't know why she's pushed me out so much

She’s using you for attention.. she’s with her ex still even if it’s on/off and she hasn’t made time for you. I don’t know why you went the first time when this person called off the meeting just days DAYS before the flight. Come on - what kind of person does that. Something must have come up (hint hint Ex bf has resurfaced) or she’s been jerking you around from the start. The fact that she’s still telling you this (below from your first post):

Quote

She said she's excited to have fun in thr city with me and can hang out in the city.

For the second trip is nuts especially when she knows you’re wanting sex and romance. She’s interested in a friendly meet up it seems but you know now from past experience she can flake any moment, even within days of making plans.

Back to the 2nd possible trip: She’s not interested in housing you either which is fair - her choice. She’s not obligated to room you or give you shelter. It looks like sex is off the table as she’s suggesting hanging out in the city only.

It’s on you to find your own accommodation. This is one of those things  - at your discretion. You know she may flake any time. So use common sense here. It’s not worth the travel, cost or time unless you’re in the city for other reasons. She shouldn’t be your priority or only reason for visiting and I don’t think this is romantic or sexual anymore. You’ve more or less been friendzoned. That’s the point she’s making loud and clear.

 

Edited November 28, 2023 by glows