Having dietary changes pushed on me, feeling defensive and unworthy

[translucentsoul]

Kinda stuck in my head today. I’ve a usually very supportive partner. My current feelings will pass. 

My partner (68M) has suddenly decided I (55F) need to quit drinking coke. I have one a work day. 12 or 16 oz. Regular, so crappy HFCS, not crappy artificial sweeteners. 

He drinks coffee, one to two a day. He also occasionally consumes alcohol, which I don’t. And I don’t care if he has a drink when we are out. I’ll often ask if the place has decent reposado or whatever, and say, will it enhance the food? Have some.

Now, he’s wanting me to get a pod machine and try a bunch of coffees.
I don’t want to try a bunch of coffees. I do have coffee drinks a few times a year, on average. One year three, next two years, none. I do NOT want one more machine on the counter, and I do not want to create waste. We have a French press for camping, and honestly, I’d rather get a pour over to sit on a mug. 

He was off to a grocery run for milk, bacon, things I won’t consume. I don’t give him crap about it.

He asked if I wanted anything. I asked for a single coke. “Do I need to get six?” And suddenly he’s talking about a coffee pod machine (he has an espresso machine), and how it’s better for me.

I’m a child of a mom who was always dieting, and indirectly called me fat as a kid (I was normal to underweight my entire life. Three rounds of failure to thrive as a small child. Only recently have I approached upper normal BMI, and I’m reversing that.)

Her comments on what I ate messed me up: depression, wanting to vanish, afraid to eat, and this from My Love is triggering it BIG time. 

I’m having difficulty sorting out the current and the past emotionally. I’m telling myself that he’s not mom, and doesn’t mean what mom did. 

I’m trying to let this roll off my back, but I can’t. I’m feeling unworthy, “fat” and unacceptable. I want to hide and cry.

 

How can I push back a bit on this while recognizing and expressing I know he means well, yet it’s damaging?

 

I’m struggling for the words.

[glows]

Just say no to the coffee machine and tell him to shut up and get you what you asked. Ok. Say it nicely if you think he’ll get offended but it’s wild for him to be passive aggressive about the regular Coke and turn around and selfishly suggest you get a machine you won’t use. 

If you feel it’s warranted you can sit down with your partner and tell him the coke isn’t going anywhere and he has to accept it as part of your life. He’s trying to change you even if he thinks it’s for your own good. Tell him you appreciate his concern but you don’t need his input. 

I was in a relationship with a bodybuilder, muscle mass this and that, schedule this that, day for this day for that. I couldn’t care less but we respected one another’s choices and that’s what’s important.

Edited November 26, 2023 by glows

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, translucentsoul said:

I’m a child of a mom who was always dieting, and indirectly called me fat as a kid. I’m feeling unworthy, “fat” and unacceptable. I want to hide and cry.

Sorry this is happening. As two adults you can each eat and drink whatever you want.  What's wrong with each of you doing your own shopping and keeping whatever foods and beverages you want in the house? 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

As you know, eating disorders are about control and emotional regulation. For some reason your husband's ridiculous remarks are bringing this up.

Drink and eat whatever you want and let him drink and eat whatever he wants. Spouses shouldn't police each other's eating habits. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, translucentsoul said:

How can I push back a bit on this while recognizing and expressing I know he means well, yet it’s damaging?

Simply tell him in a calm manner "I know you mean well, but I am a grown woman and will decide what is best for me."  Simple as that.

Edited November 26, 2023 by stillafool

[Weezy1973]

Because there are triggers from childhood, this making something that’s like a “3” on the relationship faux pas scale into a “10”.  I think the first thing you have to do is explain that him trying to get you to stop drinking coke is triggering and why. That should put him in a place of empathy. Basically relationship communication 101 - start with an “I feel” statement. He probably means well as a concern for your health, but if he knew the emotional weight (no pun intended) of this he hopefully would respect that.

 

Did he tell he you shouldn’t be drinking coke? Or how did he bring this up?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, translucentsoul said:

My partner (68M) has suddenly decided I (55F) need to quit drinking coke. He drinks coffee, one to two a day. , he’s wanting me to get a pod machine and try a bunch of coffees.

How long have you been together? How long have you lived together? Do you both work? Is he retired? Why would you have to get a coffee machine and drink coffee?

Unfortunately it seems like he's bored and kicking up a fuss about nonsense. Enjoy your coke and let him drink whatever coffee he wants. 

[LuckyM]

This minor quibble could escalate into something else. Nothing  wrong with Coke or Pepsi in moderation.. They changed Coke about 3 years ago to make it healthier

using a new ingredient.  I like diet Pepsi  though it can rot  your teeth.-- I hate people who tell me what  I should not eat. It's a specious argument--a core of truth with BS

around it. Nutritionists are divided on  merits of coffee, but agree on moderation. 2-3 cups a day usually to be safe. Coffee and Coke are often

served in hospitals to bed patients from dieticians...in small amounts. My personal dietician approved it.

He should bug off.and leave you to your "vice".

[Alpacalia]

On 11/26/2023 at 11:53 AM, translucentsoul said:

Only recently have I approached upper normal BMI, and I’m reversing that.)

Hey, I just want to say that I feel you and I think I understand the insecurities and uncomfortable feelings you are experiencing when your boyfriend is telling you to stop drinking coke. You mention that you have always been normal to underweight, but only recently have started to approach the upper normal BMI. That is an amazing accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself for taking care of your body and health. You are not fat or unworthy, and it's important to remember that.

He might be unhappy with your current weight. Why would he be so focused on this? Is he very slim? Overweight himself?

I would not take what I suggest and just feed it to him. More like "I noticed you're focused on my weight lately. Is there an issue there?" Let him know that you are in control of your own choices and decisions. If you want to have a coke every once in a while, that is your decision. You are an adult and capable of making your own choices. 

Edited December 6, 2023 by Alpacalia

[CaliforniaGirl]

Tell him getting healthier is a great goal. Tell him you've been worried about him because alcohol and bacon aren't good for him, especially at his age. He is in heart attack territory. Suggest a new eating plan for the two of you: replace Coke with naturally flavored waters, replace bacon with a veggie, bean or brown rice side dish, and eliminate alcohol and caffeine.

Go shopping for all the healthy things and toss out the bad stuff. Surprise him.

[MsJayne]

I'd be giving him the talk about Raging Hypocrisy. I'm no fan of Coke, (it can etch the dirt off metal 😬), but it's no worse than other unhealthy things, like, for instance, bacon and coffee, and alcohol. It sounds more like he's concerned about your weight, Coke having very high sugar content, so maybe bring it up and suggest he just be straightforward about the real issue instead of being an annoying hypocrite.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/26/2023 at 2:53 PM, translucentsoul said:

.my partner (68M) has suddenly decided I (55F) need to quit drinking coke. 

Is he retired or bored?  What's up with this sudden interest in micromanaging your dietary habits? No one decides what someone else should eat or drink except kids' parents.

Ignore him. Let him drink and eat whatever he wants and you do the same. Please don't get involved in any sort of food-policing and don't entertain his. 

Edited December 8, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Will am I]

He’s way out of line trying to control your food & drink habits. We only control ourselves and our own behaviour, not our partners’.

It makes me wonder why he would be trying to get you off the coca cola. Could he be unhappy with your weight, would he be concerned about health issues like diabetes, etc? Stuff running in the family or affecting others in his life?

It makes some sense to find out. But evrn better, your partner needs to express his real intentions and not focus on the coke because it’s probably mot really about that.

[smackie9]

Well on the surface it's dietary concerns, but this is about something else. This is a symptom of deep resentment of some kind. Men (most not all) especially at his age, don't know how to communicate properly or express their feelings because they were taught not to. So instead of grumbling comments at each other, in the moment, ask what is his deal. And don't accept some lame ass excuse. Let him know how he hurts you emotionally...don't point out crap about him or he will get defensive and shut down. Be calm, be honest, but don't let him push you back.

On another note: if his behaviour becomes more aggressive/ moody, he's at that age were he could be showing early signs of Dementia/Alzheimers.

Edited December 16, 2023 by smackie9