At a crossroads - emotionally draining partner / should I leave?

[karliewhatyouwant]

Hi there

***Warning*** – this post is long and contains references to suicidal ideation and mental health issues.

I’m looking for some advice on a current long-term relationship (both early 30s). I’m struggling with feelings of loving my partner dearly, but also a sudden change in feelings and wanting to end the relationship. Lately, something has changed and I feel like I’ve reached a point of clarity about the issues and what I need to do. I should add that I take ADHD medication and due to the shortages, I’ve been off the medication for a few weeks, and I’m worried I’m acting irrationally or impulsively and really need some objective advice about what to do.

We’ve been together for seven years. He’s a wonderful, kind and caring soul that brought a completely new perspective to my life. He’s sweet, educated, hardworking, responsible, sociable and with a good family background. He turns up on time, he does what he says he will do and he never goes back on his word. He’s helped me through difficult periods in my own life both professionally and personally and we’re connected on an intellectual level that I haven’t had with other partners in the past. I could talk to my partner for hours when he’s on good form – a day long drive would fly by with our conversations.

But I am in pain. Our relationship has been plagued with drama and issues that started to emerge I’d say at the start of Covid, although when I look back, I think a lot of the issues were present from early on, just maybe not as severe. Lately, I’m wondering whether drama just follows this person around, or whether we’ve truly been unlucky.

The fundamental problem is that my partner has a very anxious attachment style whilst I am secure but lean towards more avoidant when their anxious attachment flares up. For the most part, I’m a very zen and level headed person, I don’t get flustered easily and I’m not driven by my emotions. I’m very rational and calm. In addition to an anxious attachment style, he seems to have serious generalised anxiety, very low self-esteem and major co-dependency issues. Some of the main issues in our relationship have been:

• Neediness / clinginess – I felt this from early on in our relationship. It felt very clingy and I guess having got out of a pretty rubbish previous relationship felt better about someone being more chatty. But the clinginess never went away. He calls and texts every day and expects us to talk every day too. Sometimes I just don’t want to. If I’m not as responsiveness, the clinginess gets worse. He’s told me lots of times that “I’m his rock” and that “I complete him” and that he doesn’t really know who he is without me.
   
• Highly emotional and insecure – by his own admission, he is a “highly sensitive person” and seem to feel things in this very extreme way. There was one very unusual thing that happened on our third date when we went to the theatre and the movie sent him into a “mental spiral” where they just saw black and became very down. I thought this was odd, but put it down to them just being more sensitive than me. Granted at that time of my life in my mid 20s, I still wasn’t that emotionally mature. On a fourth date, they burst into tears telling me they weren’t good enough for me. Over the course of the relationship, they haven’t gotten any better at managing their emotions. They cry and sob a lot, for example when we’ve had an argument or things haven’t been going well. I’d get sucked into these hours / evenings / weekends long conversations about their emotions and our relationship. They can sometimes act like a bratty child that I can only describe as “throwing tantrums”. Like when we are disagreeing about something and I’ve “invalidated” their emotions, they storm off and slam the door or bang something and scream or scream into a pillow. He’s never physically hurt me, but their tantrums are disturbing to witness and they spiral out of control into emotional meltdowns where I just don’t know what to do. We then end up back in the “conversation” territory where we have to sit down and de-brief about it all and eventually make up. I got to a point a year or so ago where I sat them down and told them their behaviour was abusive and had to stop otherwise I’d leave. The worst point came on a vacation a year ago where they became belligerent while drinking (this had happened a lot and I told them we can’t drink together again because we always argue). On another occasion, I’d paid for business class flights for us for another vacation using my points, and they verbally berated me on the flight (“DO NOT PLAY ME” he shouted in front of other passengers – I can’t even remember what I’d done). It was humiliating, but to be honest a one -off, other than a few other public hissy fits.  Anyway, after this particular vacation, we ended up having a miserable time on holiday, they had an emotional meltdown, called their mum and we flew home early and almost broke up. I don’t know why we didn’t just break up then, but we agreed to try one more time to fix things with a couples therapist and to try living apart, which did actually help a bit. They haven’t really behaved in that way since, but they’ve come close. I actually learned something interesting from him a few months ago which was that his mum used to behave like that growing up – she’d have these massive emotional meltdowns at home. The thing is, he always says that his mom told him this was healthy behaviour and encouraged it – that we should “feel” our emotions and let them out. He says he always feels better afterwards, except I’m the one that’s drained and upset for days after them. He doesn’t understand the effect this behaviour has on me – he might feel fine after behaving like that, but it took a gradual toll on me.  His insecurity is also out of control – never feels good enough, constant (and I mean constant) need for validation and reassurance. He’s like this with colleagues too apparently – constantly seeking validation and getting depressed and angry with colleagues when they’re not forthcoming with it.
   
• Mental health problems *trigger warning* - his anxiety is completely out of control. There can be periods where it’s under control (i.e. like school holidays) but currently it’s out of control completely. He’s had therapy but we always go back to square one. A few years ago, we had an argument at home and he went upstairs and told me he was going to kill himself It was very dramatic, I sat with him while we talked to a doctor and his parents rushed to our house and took him to their place. I was left stunned and traumatised and felt helpless that his parents had to look after him and that I’d possibly caused this. But what was weird is that he kept rolling out this story at public gatherings. I’m not suggesting he wasn’t suicidal, but it’s very uncomfortable and awkward for me when he discusses it because it makes me look like a villain / feel guilty, and also it sounds a bit forced – like it’s his “mental health story”. He did a speech for his birthday and went into the details of that incident. I don’t know, there is something off about it. There have been multiple other occasions where he’s called me in significant distress either from work or on the way to work saying “please just keep talking to me” as otherwise he says he’d have a panic attack and just wanted to talk to someone. I feel really helpless in these situations, but also completely drained afterwards. Like I’m taking on all of his emotions. And he gets to feel “so much better” after dumping trauma on me or after his anxiety has passed, but I feel it for days afterwards.
   
• Emotional / trauma dumping. My partner works in a very stressful front-line job as an educator. I’m not doubting that it’s stressful and it was awful during Covid. I couldn’t do it. In the early days, I admired him when he would call me about whatever crisis had happened at work, like the time he resuscitated a staff member and then called me about it during my working day. I thought, wow, what a caring person you are. But over time, it felt like non-stop trauma dumping. The emergencies and crises at work started to escalate. There were fall outs with team members, being accused of inappropriate behaviour with a student (disproved in the end, but had to be suspended for a few days), grievances with the principal and governors, then people complaining about him, union action and difficult governors and fall outs with parents. It really took a toll on him, but I’d be the person that would get dumped with all of this. It wasn’t until I researched what emotional dumping is that I realised I needed to set better boundaries. Any kind of upsetting event gets amplified ten times and I never hear the end of it. Some of these things are of course sad, like grandparents passing away or work challenges, but I didn’t realise this whole time I’d been playing therapist. Whenever I try to suggest a solution to a problem he’s having, I get snapped at with “stop trying to fix things, I don’t need solutions, I just need to feel things and for you to listen” or “I just need someone to say “that sounds s***” rather than trying to solve things, I don’t need a solution”. I understood his point of view for a while, but lately I’ve wondered if I’m being told that because they just refuse to change how they respond to certain things. Things got worse recently when he spent a whole night in the emergency room because of a suicidal student. I suggested to him that he didn’t need to do that and that the student was in the care of mental health clinicians and got told to stop telling him how to do his job. He just seems to have appalling boundaries with work and lets every crisis and drama engulf his life. Then I got reprimanded at the weekend for not asking about all of the drama that went down at the hospital. I didn’t want to ask about it because I felt a knot in my stomach on my way to his house and just wanted to talk about something light since I knew he had a bad week. Instead, he suggested I’m not caring and that I make him feel I can’t share things with him.
   
• Me feeling smothered and suffocated. I felt this for several years especially when we lived together. Covid was really hard. I felt trapped all the time. I was working remotely. He was coming home exhausted every day. I didn’t know whether it was my ADHD or living with this person that made me feel this way, I have felt similar when living with other people in the past so I don’t know if it’s necessarily them. I love my personal space and found it invaded all the time. My boundaries frequently got crossed living together, like always being touched and hugged and coming into my office.
   
• Co-dependency with his mother – I feel very shitty saying this and I’m sorry, but by their own admission they are co-dependent with one another. They’re always texting and calling and she’s always running to the rescue following whatever crisis there is. I knew something was a bit odd about this relationship when he told me that she showed him her reconstructed breast after her cancer surgery. At the time, I thought it showed a really strong relationship between them, and I felt very sad for her that she went through that, but it grossed me out a bit as it seemed highly inappropriate for a mother to show her adult son a private body part. I’ve also learnt that she has said very strange things to him like “I can’t imagine you dying because you’re just so special and unique” and “you’re my favourite child” and “I don’t know what I’d do without you”. She has a husband, his dad, but he’s quite absent and detached. As time went on, there have been so many times she has crossed the line, from declaring she’s taking him on vacation without talking to me first to “accidentally” missing me out of her Christmas letter to friends but mentioning all other partners (this actually resulted in a very big fall out between me and her and a lot of grovelling on her part). After his most serious mental health breakdown, she was straight there with her husband, not even asking if I’m there already and enough. After our pet got sick a few weeks ago and he had an emotional meltdown about that thinking the pet needed to be put down (I rationally explained this was highly unlikely), she was straight there and moved in with him for a week. He talks to her about all our private issues and so she has quite a dim view of me I feel. I think she feels I am cold and robotic and absent. They go for frequent private walks together where she has tried to nudge him towards ending it with me (maybe I should have let her try harder). I’m the one that made him aware that the co-dependency was an issue and needed to be sorted for my sake, but nothing has changed. She was still there a couple of weeks ago at his house counselling him about his life with me sitting at the dinner table as the third wheel. Although this is all extremely shitty of me to write about, I feel intensely sad for my partner. I feel like his mother’s grip over his life and their over reliance on one another is doing him a massive disservice.
   
• Enmeshed family – the family is very, very close. It’s like being in the Twilight Zone at times. Nobody says anything that’s different to the group think. It’s an echo chamber. His sisters sucks her thumb when at the family home and there’s a zealous religious overtone that I’ve found very difficult to bear. They’re all perfectly lovely, but I feel I have to put on an act when I’m there and like my guard is up.
   
• Guilt tripping – I get guilt tripped if I say no to certain things, like social events. I’m an introverted person and get drained by too much socialising. It always ends up being “please, this is really important” or then sulky / stroppy behaviour if I say no.
   
• I’m made out as the perpetrator / villain. Because of all of his extensive problems and mental health issues, I feel like I am the villain to his friends and family. Particularly after I insisted on living apart, the “tone” changed and I noticed a much more icy feeling at gatherings with our coupled friends and visiting his family. We did the living apart together thing because I was utterly overwhelmed, not coping and needed space to work on my own mental health. I felt myself being dragged down. I’ve also been made out to be “cold” and “unemotional” just because I’m very rational and logical and not driven by emotions all the time. His mother has made multiple comments about this before, including just last week where I said something about talking about my feelings and she said “wow, you wouldn’t have said that seven years ago” and my partner seems to relish in the “fixing” he’s done to make me more open about my feelings. It makes me feel like the person I truly am (rational) is not right and that it’s only right to be super emotional all the time.

The final straw has been the last few weeks:

1. My mental health has declined significantly in the last few weeks. Before I moved out, I was struggling with depression and overwhelm, probably from living with him, but also with my own issues working remotely at home all the time. I eventually shut down emotionally because I could not take the drama anymore. I felt like I was living with a stroppy and needy teenager. After I moved out a year ago, the space helped me get back to my old self. I changed careers, did some travel and I was back in the gym, in a better routine, taking care of myself again. I have my own quiet sanctuary now just for myself. I felt the best I’d felt in years. Lately, with some recent crises that he’s trauma dumped me with and his anxiety spilling over through text and calls, I feel anxious and down regularly even when I’m not with him! I’ve started to dread receiving messages from him and I’ve noticed that I am now actively trying to avoid him. After I spend time with him, I feel drained and low. Maybe I felt like this all along but have been slow to realise it. I dread going to see him now because his stress and anxiety are dragging me down. I’ve seen three separate therapists in the seven years we’ve been together due to my own mental health issues and they’ve all told me the same thing – I’m with a very needy child, not an adult. They’ve all tried to help me to end the relationship, but instead all I’ve done is enable the behaviour and I feel like I can’t get out. I’ve actually wondered whether I’ve had to have so much therapy just from being with this person. One of the therapists suggested that I am in a coercive relationship. I was a bit shocked when they said this and decided not to go back to that therapist. I eventually did go back for one more session and they suggested that one thing people do when they are in my situation is fire the therapist before they fire the partner. I then didn’t go back, but I know the therapist was right all along, I was just in denial.
    
2. My feelings have started to dissipate suddenly in recent weeks. In the last crisis, I had to drop everything to go and see him because he sounded like he was having an anxiety attack. I went in the middle of the night to see him and provide reassurance. I’m going through my own intense personal issues at the moment with a parent going through a potential cancer diagnosis, the anniversary of another parent’s death coming up and my own work commitments. My partner’s s*** always seems to take priority over my own issues. Like one time it was mother’s day and I’m always a bit sensitive on this day since I lost my mom a few years ago. He’d been on a walk with his mom that day and came back to the house to start a big discussion about how things need to change between us that lasted hours and resulted in sobbing and crying and an argument. I was so resentful that he’d done that without any consideration about how that day might feel for me. After the latest meltdown a few weeks ago where our pet got sick, his mother went to stay with him for a week. He’s also had multiple friends drop everything to go and stay with him throughout this period. I went over there a week ago after work and expected it would just be me and my partner having dinner. She joined us for dinner, he then spent the whole time telling us that he’d be certified off work sick with anxiety and had applied for numerous random jobs, including one where he put me down as a referee which would involve me having to have an extremely intrusive security background check by the government. I was silently furious about that while we sat through dinner and also extremely concerned for his mental wellbeing and also absolutely terrified that I’m going to have to deal with more turmoil from a potential career change and these constant issues with his job. His anxiety seemed to be making him very irrational. But what I felt the most was turned off. I felt grossed out about this weird three-way relationship with his mother, the two of us counselling the son together about yet another emotional issue. And it’s like I just lost all feelings there and then. The co-dependency with his mother has caused me to lose attraction in the past, but not to this extent. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore because of this overreliance not only on his mother but also the total dependence on me. I want a strong man that is stoic and confident and has their s*** together and that doesn’t spend life in this constant state of crisis. Not this emotional wreck. I lose all desire to be intimate with him when he’s behaving essentially like a child. I then feel absolutely awful for feeling that way. I left the house in the morning quickly and have since been avoiding him as much as possible.

In the last few days, I’ve taken time intentionally to be completely alone and to rationally sit with my thoughts and think about what I need to do. I’m stuck. The rational part of my brain tells me that this relationship has been highly dysfunctional for years, that it’s not fair on me to play caretaker to someone who I now believe is very vulnerable and that it’s time for the relationship to end. But I’m terrified of doing it – not because I think I need to stay, but because he seems to emotionally unstable and vulnerable that I really do worry what he will do. I actually feel incredibly sad that he is vulnerable and that I didn’t realise it. If he is having panic attacks and suicidal ideation about some work issues or an argument at home or Jesus Christ, a pet, how is he going to cope being told the relationship is over? I’m not even sure after all these years how to go about it without it seeming out of the blue, or humiliating him if I go to his place and do it while his roommate is there.

I have felt so stuck and alone for a long time, eventually got my life to a better place by moving out, but I still get sucked into this f***ed up hurricane of drama, even when I’m physically miles away. I know we should have ended it when I moved out, but we’d agreed to try living apart on the advice of a couples therapist to see how it worked. I know 100% now that I would never want to live with this person, or anyone else for that matter, again and that I’m starting to get turned off again by his behaviour. I’m also starting to fantasise about other potential men and a different type of man that might be better suited to my rational and introverted ways.

But the emotional side of my brain is telling me how kind and beautiful of a soul this person can be when they’re not anxious and that we’ve clicked on so many levels and that I might not ever find someone like this again.  I’m also really worried that being off my ADHD medication might be causing me to make impulsive decisions. I’ve also posted about all of the bad stuff – there has been good too. And I’ve probably been kind of a shitty partner to him because I’m not romantic at all, I can’t give someone the constant validation they need and it’s pretty sad that things have ended up where I can only bare to spend one day a week seeing him. He deserves much better too.

I’m sorry for the length of this post, but I feel like I’ve been trapped in a weird parallel universe and that I’ve had a sudden epiphany, but don’t know what to do. I know I have work to do on myself with setting boundaries and having healthier relationships, but I don’t know if this is the right decision. In my mind, there are two options:

1. Propose a break of one month to just give us both some space to work on our own issues. 

2. End it now. I don't even know how to do this after such a long relationship.

[Wiseman2]

You made the right decision moving out. Please read up on abusive relationships. 

https://www.aetv.com/real-crime/signs-an-abusive-partner-may-kill-you

[glows]

You moved out to organize your life because the chaos and drama were too much living with him. It was over when you moved out. For someone so needy and with issues as you describe how can you expect him to improve? He’s just worse now more than ever and his mother who created this monstrosity is enabling and nurturing more of that chaos and drama. That’s just who they are. It’s detrimental to yourself and foolish to keep believing things will be different. 

Having said all that you’ve been with this one person for the better part of a decade and I understand it’s hard letting go. Please stop wasting your years of your life continuing like this. You went through the tough part moving out. Now, truly, move on with your life. One month break is like pouring a glass of water on a 1000s acre forest fire - completely useless and does not make sense. 

[Alpacalia]

He is abusive to you because he is holding you hostage to his trauma.

He’s the child and you’re the adult and I can’t speak for you, but 7 years is way too long for you to be trying to fix him. Loving someone and supporting them is very different to actually having the physiclal/emotional energy to carry someone for hours of drama or a meltdown. Stop fixing him, let him and his mother do this. Stop being uncomfortable about her using you as the villain, stop attending events and functions and leave him to handle the fallout. While that happens, figure out how the heck to get a moving box, pack your things, and leave the relationship (literally).

I know someone that has ADHD and a lot of what you're describing is consistent with it.

Combined with general anxiety disorder and other issues I can imagine your partner is very difficult to be with. High sensitive person, clinginess, requires validation, over intense situations, self-esteem issues etc.

ADHD individuals can be high functioning but the red flags should be taken just as seriously as someone without ADHD. They can have a hard time working out how to navigate others boundaries, clashing about mundane things etc. The helplessness is probably less about you and more about his own issues, like him not quite being able to see past what he wants and when he gets stuck on something that becomes the focus for awhile.

You probably can see how there's a pattern.

He might not have had strong enough role models or academic or therapeutic or peer inputs to help him so isn't easily able to determine how. I have seen so many people without resources been made quite ill by people other than their immediate family in taking decisions that undermined their stability and belief that they can be good enough. He might not be easily able to learn how to cope with stressors.

It's juggling to be able to keep your own issues in check while providing for another and I think it is right that you are taking time to be away and learn how to prioritize yourself more than his needs.

When one has to make a post this long and needs to elaborate in detail on multiple issues, I think it’s pretty clear there is an issue.

Edited November 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[karliewhatyouwant]

Thank you for the replies. I should clarify that it's me who has ADHD, not my partner. I don't fully know why my partner has all these issues - there is no evidence of childhood trauma or abuse, other than parents probably being overly involved / codependency. It's baffling to me. I'm still having a hard time understanding the behaviour as abusive like my therapist said. I've never been attacked, he doesn't verbally insult me or make me feel bad. He just overwhelms and exhausts me and trauma dumps.

[karliewhatyouwant]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

You moved out to organize your life because the chaos and drama were too much living with him. It was over when you moved out. For someone so needy and with issues as you describe how can you expect him to improve? He’s just worse now more than ever and his mother who created this monstrosity is enabling and nurturing more of that chaos and drama. That’s just who they are. It’s detrimental to yourself and foolish to keep believing things will be different. 

Having said all that you’ve been with this one person for the better part of a decade and I understand it’s hard letting go. Please stop wasting your years of your life continuing like this. You went through the tough part moving out. Now, truly, move on with your life. One month break is like pouring a glass of water on a 1000s acre forest fire - completely useless and does not make sense. 

Thank you, I appreciate the frankness of your reply. I just don't know how to have the conversation, I am so avoidant which is probably why I've enabled this for so long. I am so worried about him threatening suicide since I've lived with him through through so many mental health and stress related issues, or just making a scene and drama. I know we've untangled our lives by me moving out, but there's still all the people and some other remaining logistics. I don't want to blindside him because of his anxiety. Could I slowly withdraw to give the hint and then break the news? What do you even say in this situation? I'm exhausted / mentally declining and just need to go and work on myself? There's so much other s*** I could say but I would not know where to start. I also don't know why I've suddenly started feeling this way after so many years, perhaps the last issue really was the final straw and nudged me to action?

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, karliewhatyouwant said:

Thank you for the replies. I should clarify that it's me who has ADHD, not my partner. I don't fully know why my partner has all these issues - there is no evidence of childhood trauma or abuse, other than parents probably being overly involved / codependency. It's baffling to me. I'm still having a hard time understanding the behaviour as abusive like my therapist said. I've never been attacked, he doesn't verbally insult me or make me feel bad. He just overwhelms and exhausts me and trauma dumps.

Oops, sorry. I misread (hope you don't hate my comments about ADHD too much) 

Anyway, everything else stands. 

 

[glows]

20 minutes ago, karliewhatyouwant said:

Thank you, I appreciate the frankness of your reply. I just don't know how to have the conversation, I am so avoidant which is probably why I've enabled this for so long. I am so worried about him threatening suicide since I've lived with him through through so many mental health and stress related issues, or just making a scene and drama. I know we've untangled our lives by me moving out, but there's still all the people and some other remaining logistics. I don't want to blindside him because of his anxiety. Could I slowly withdraw to give the hint and then break the news? What do you even say in this situation? I'm exhausted / mentally declining and just need to go and work on myself? There's so much other s*** I could say but I would not know where to start. I also don't know why I've suddenly started feeling this way after so many years, perhaps the last issue really was the final straw and nudged me to action?

He has his people such as his mother to look after him. It’s time to cut out the codependency you have as well and seek support so you don’t repeat these same patterns being codependent with other partners. You’re not responsible for whether he chooses to end his life or not or how he copes with a break up.

Please seek professional support if you are struggling. You have had years of therapists all telling you the same thing about this relationship and you keep enabling and letting him manipulate you with his mental issues. It’s time to work on yourself and focus less on him. Focus on you and get moving with moving on. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, karliewhatyouwant said:

 I'm still having a hard time understanding the behaviour as abusive like my therapist said. 

Listen to your therapist. Please discontinue rationalizing his behavior looking for reasons or psychological trauma, and other excuses, etc. Abuse is not just black eyes and broken bones. Please believe your therapist and get help extricating yourself from this. 

[MsJayne]

20 hours ago, karliewhatyouwant said:

A few years ago, we had an argument at home and he went upstairs and told me he was going to kill himself It was very dramatic, I sat with him while we talked to a doctor and his parents rushed to our house and took him to their place. I was left stunned and traumatised and felt helpless that his parents had to look after him and that I’d possibly caused this. But what was weird is that he kept rolling out this story at public gatherings. I’m not suggesting he wasn’t suicidal, but it’s very uncomfortable and awkward for me when he discusses it because it makes me look like a villain / feel guilty, and also it sounds a bit forced – like it’s his “mental health story”. He did a speech for his birthday and went into the details of that incident.

Sounds a lot more serious than anxiety, but he'd need to be seen by a psychiatrist to ascertain that. You can't continue to be swamped by his negative emotions, he's literally using you as a dumping ground. I'm glad your feelings towards him are changing because he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own mental health instead of making you carry him. Seriously, I feel embarrassed just reading about his birthday speech. I'm normally compassionate towards people with mental health issues - except when it's a personality disorder and they're too gutless to face it and get proper help, instead expecting everyone around them to prop them up. He's a dick, and he  probably inherited the dickness from his mother. I say get out and don't feel even a smidgeon of guilt. 

[Maldives]

Was drained just reading your story 😊. In all seriousness walk away from the relationship and make yourself happy again 

Edited November 28, 2023 by Goodguy05

[ZA Dater]

Absolutely walk away, something I have had to learn is not everyone can actually be helped. There is a better life for you, I suggest walking away as soon as possible because tis entire scenario is unhealthy and in no way makes your life better.

Do not let him emotionally manipulate you to stay!

[smackie9]

I agree walk away. there is nothing there worth holding onto.

[karliewhatyouwant]

54 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I agree walk away. there is nothing there worth holding onto.

Thank you. Do you say this because the relationship is abusive or because this isn't fair on me? I'm struggling with walking away. I just don't know if I can do it. I feel anxious and sick thinking about it.

[karliewhatyouwant]

23 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Sounds a lot more serious than anxiety, but he'd need to be seen by a psychiatrist to ascertain that. You can't continue to be swamped by his negative emotions, he's literally using you as a dumping ground. I'm glad your feelings towards him are changing because he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own mental health instead of making you carry him. Seriously, I feel embarrassed just reading about his birthday speech. I'm normally compassionate towards people with mental health issues - except when it's a personality disorder and they're too gutless to face it and get proper help, instead expecting everyone around them to prop them up. He's a dick, and he  probably inherited the dickness from his mother. I say get out and don't feel even a smidgeon of guilt. 

Thank you. Are you suggesting he has a personality disorder? I ruled out NPD and BPD, just does not seem to fulfil these. I did wonder about dependent personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder, but at this stage it just seems like severe anxiety / codependency and insecurity. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, karliewhatyouwant said:

 I ruled out NPD and BPD, just does not seem to fulfil these. I did wonder about dependent personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder, but at this stage it just seems like severe anxiety / codependency and insecurity. 

Please listen to your therapist and trusted friends and family. You've already done a lot of good things by moving out and being frank with your therapist about the abuse. Please discontinue trying to armchair/Google diagnose him. He's abusive. 

Please find a way to set yourself free and enlist the support of trusted friends family and your therapist to help you extricate yourself from this.

Please read up on red flags for abusive relationships. Abuse is not a "personality disorder". It's common to be in denial because of trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance (Google it).

[karliewhatyouwant]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please listen to your therapist and trusted friends and family. You've already done a lot of good things by moving out and being frank with your therapist about the abuse. Please discontinue trying to armchair/Google diagnose him. He's abusive. 

Please find a way to set yourself free and enlist the support of trusted friends family and your therapist to help you extricate yourself from this.

Please read up on red flags for abusive relationships. Abuse is not a "personality disorder". It's common to be in denial because of trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance (Google it).

Thank you for your support. I know you've commented a few times and that you're not obligated to. I just don't know what to say. I've set myself a goal of next week to talk about my problems and propose an end to the relationship. Can I ask what in particular stood out as abusive from what I wrote?  I often get told by him that I'm the abusive one because I'm avoidant and not sharing of my feelings and that I invalidate their emotions. Also, only my therapist knows about this. None of my family know about any of these issues because I've been a bit ashamed / wary of dragging them into it. So have been living this alone practically, which is why it's so hard to leave.

Edited November 28, 2023 by karliewhatyouwant

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, karliewhatyouwant said:

 what in particular stood out as abusive from what I wrote?  

There are excellent resources for you out there including general information, supportive friends and family as well as your therapist. Keep in mind he could have a museum of mental health or personality disorders....or none. Abuse is independent of that.

https://www.wadvocates.org/find-help/about-domestic-violence/warning-signs-of-abuse/

[karliewhatyouwant]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

There are excellent resources for you out there including general information, supportive friends and family as well as your therapist. Keep in mind he could have a museum of mental health or personality disorders....or none. Abuse is independent of that.

https://www.wadvocates.org/find-help/about-domestic-violence/warning-signs-of-abuse/

Thank you. I'm mostly worried about the potential fall-out of a breakup. They told me at the start of our relationship that if I did anything to hurt them, they'd ruin me to employers / family / friends. I don't know if they were joking but we're in family group texts and such and such. 

[karliewhatyouwant]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There are excellent resources for you out there including general information, supportive friends and family as well as your therapist. Keep in mind he could have a museum of mental health or personality disorders....or none. Abuse is independent of that.

https://www.wadvocates.org/find-help/about-domestic-violence/warning-signs-of-abuse/

Thank you. I'm mostly worried about the potential fall-out of a breakup. They told me at the start of our relationship that if I did anything to hurt them, they'd ruin me to employers / family / friends. I don't know if they were joking but we're in family group texts and such and such. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, karliewhatyouwant said:

. I'm mostly worried about the potential fall-out of a breakup. They told me at the start of our relationship that if I did anything to hurt them, they'd ruin me to employers / family / friends.

Threatening you if you leave is abusive. Please delete and block him and All his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Simply send one last text that it's not working out then block him. Enlist the support of trusted friends and family and your therapist to dispel your fears and leave permanently. 

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, karliewhatyouwant said:

Thank you. Are you suggesting he has a personality disorder? I ruled out NPD and BPD, just does not seem to fulfil these. I did wonder about dependent personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder, but at this stage it just seems like severe anxiety / codependency and insecurity. 

Why would any of that matter to you?   

Your OP is very long, detailed, and 100% negative.  You did say:   "He’s a wonderful, kind and caring soul that brought a completely new perspective to my life. He’s sweet, educated, hardworking, responsible, sociable and with a good family background"  but then you basically refute it all by your examples of his abusive treatment of you, emotional blackmail, and his mother being outlandishly skewed. 

I understand that, for whatever reasons of your own, you chose to stick with him even though on your second date he completely lost it because of a movie ... I can't understand why, but it's too late to bother with that.   For your own reasons you chose this psychodrama but now, at last, it seems to be too much.  Unfortunately, your years together and all the trauma bonding has you very attached.  But please, please, do walk away. 

Life is not meant to be lived as the emotional hostage and caretaker for a sick and abusive person who isn't even close to dealing with their own problems.

[MsJayne]

20 hours ago, karliewhatyouwant said:

Thank you. Are you suggesting he has a personality disorder? I ruled out NPD and BPD, just does not seem to fulfil these. I did wonder about dependent personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder, but at this stage it just seems like severe anxiety / codependency and insecurity. 

Yes, only a therapist could give you a definitive answer, but what you’re describing certainly sounds like his perception is significantly off target. He sounds disconnected from the reality of his own behaviour, sees himself as a victim, goes to extreme lengths to get attention, is highly manipulative, etc. With regard to his family menacing you with threats of what would happen if you left him, that in itself is abuse - and coercion in intimate relationships is a crime. But unless they’re some sort of crime family I’d ignore their threats, because believing themselves to have excessive influence over other members of community is a sign of mental disturbance as well. Unless they’re mafia or a vicious bikie gang I’d just laugh in their face. Also, the description you’ve given of his relationship with his mother - there’s the cause of his problems right there, she’s infantilised him to the point of him being an adult baby. She’s the problem. 
 

Edited November 29, 2023 by MsJayne

[IrinaM]

On 11/28/2023 at 7:04 PM, karliewhatyouwant said:

Thank you. I'm mostly worried about the potential fall-out of a breakup. They told me at the start of our relationship that if I did anything to hurt them, they'd ruin me to employers / family / friends. I don't know if they were joking but we're in family group texts and such and such.

He wasn't joking. He told you of his intentions.

Your job is to protect yourself and your interests and your future, and that means making informed choices. You already know what will happen when you try to set boundaries, assert yourself, and end the relationship. He will threaten to delete himself and attempt to smear your character to people in your life. That is what will happen, so plan accordingly. Please don't think he will be amenable to you requesting, "hey I want us to break up but I also don't want to be emotionally blackmailed or have my character smeared, can you agree to that?" That's not a good plan. You can't control his abusive behavior, so stop trying to. But you can control yourself and your choices and your actions.

Think about what you can do for yourself to minimize the fallout. This is often called "safety planning" for women in DV relationships (like yourself). Can you change the locks on your house? Ask the security guard at your job to walk you to your car? Block his means of communication so he literally can't blackmail you because he can't even talk to you? If you have friends, family, or coworkers who you believe he might try to manipulate against you, can you speak to them in confidence first? If you think they are the sorts to side against you, can you distance yourself from them or minimize their importance in your life?

It's great that you have a therapist but you might also think about finding a support group for women in DV relationships. I used to run one that met weekly at a shelter I worked at. Resources specifically intended for women with abusive partners might be more helpful to you.

[karliewhatyouwant]

4 hours ago, IrinaM said:

He wasn't joking. He told you of his intentions.

Your job is to protect yourself and your interests and your future, and that means making informed choices. You already know what will happen when you try to set boundaries, assert yourself, and end the relationship. He will threaten to delete himself and attempt to smear your character to people in your life. That is what will happen, so plan accordingly. Please don't think he will be amenable to you requesting, "hey I want us to break up but I also don't want to be emotionally blackmailed or have my character smeared, can you agree to that?" That's not a good plan. You can't control his abusive behavior, so stop trying to. But you can control yourself and your choices and your actions.

Think about what you can do for yourself to minimize the fallout. This is often called "safety planning" for women in DV relationships (like yourself). Can you change the locks on your house? Ask the security guard at your job to walk you to your car? Block his means of communication so he literally can't blackmail you because he can't even talk to you? If you have friends, family, or coworkers who you believe he might try to manipulate against you, can you speak to them in confidence first? If you think they are the sorts to side against you, can you distance yourself from them or minimize their importance in your life?

It's great that you have a therapist but you might also think about finding a support group for women in DV relationships. I used to run one that met weekly at a shelter I worked at. Resources specifically intended for women with abusive partners might be more helpful to you.

Thank you for this post, I'm really grateful. One thing I'm struggling with though is that once their anxiety is back under control, everything feels "normal" again and I start to question my decision and think about not ending it. And then a few months go by and then something new happens and I'm back to feeling how I did before. It's a bad cycle. Maybe this would be the best time to end it now that the chaos has reduced and I've had a chance to think with clarity. But I just end up in this cycle of forgiving and then not getting out. Although something is different this time and I feel like I have an urge to let out how I feel.