At a crossroads - emotionally draining partner / should I leave?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, karliewhatyouwant said:

. It's a bad cycle. Maybe this would be the best time to end it now that the chaos has reduced and I've had a chance to think with clarity. 

Please research abusive relationships. This is extremely typical.

In fact it's called "The Cycle Of Violence", (please Google it) because it's the basic dynamic of abusive relationships.

Anytime is a good time to end abuse.

Please inform yourself:

https://www.peaceoverviolence.org/iii-the-cycle-of-violence-and-power-and-control

Edited November 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[IrinaM]

other good books I recommend:

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft

But he says he loves me by Dina McMillan

[BaileyB]

On 11/28/2023 at 6:04 PM, karliewhatyouwant said:

I'm mostly worried about the potential fall-out of a breakup. They told me at the start of our relationship that if I did anything to hurt them, they'd ruin me to employers / family / friends. I don't know if they were joking but we're in family group texts and such and such. 

And yet, you chose to stay. 

It’s time to end this relationship. You can warn your employer, you can file a police report if they don’t maintain an appropriate boundary… but, it would be a real shame for you to stay in this relationship and continue to tolerate this kind of abuse. 

Edited December 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

On 11/28/2023 at 4:04 PM, karliewhatyouwant said:

They told me at the start of our relationship that if I did anything to hurt them, they'd ruin me to employers / family / friends. I don't know if they were joking but we're in family group texts and such and such. 

Oh my goodness. What possessed you to enter into a relationship with someone that would say such a horrible thing to you? I really feel for you because imagine how trapped and afraid you felt throughout the relationship. That is a clear threat of emotional manipulation.

As for why you're responding to him by not leaving, you are responding because he's conditioned you to be afraid of not responding. He has trained you to believe that he holds your safety in his hands. The codependency issue is going to be tough to break. You've been trained to respond to this person. You need to separate yourself from this toxic person and their toxic influence.

Really, the best thing you can do here is block their numbers, block them on socials, and inform friends and family of what's going on and what you're doing to protect yourself. An abuser will always seek to discredit the victim once they're out of the relationship. That's why you need to get ahead of it with your family and friends. Explain to them why you're making your life private and why you're staying low profile. They will understand and they will support you.

The biggest challenge here is going to be keeping yourself safe from this person's influence. But you also need to keep your faith in your ability to process events and to make decisions that have your best interests in mind. Stay safe mate. I'm pulling for you.

[smackie9]

On 11/28/2023 at 3:35 PM, karliewhatyouwant said:

Thank you. Do you say this because the relationship is abusive or because this isn't fair on me? I'm struggling with walking away. I just don't know if I can do it. I feel anxious and sick thinking about it.

You are over thinking things. Just walk away.