Is my mum the reason I'm still single?

[RandallHare]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Working out our life is all about priorities.  At this point, your sister and the cat are more important to you than having a girlfriend.  This is why you're single.

Why don't you take care of the cat?

 

I can, but my sister and I will fight over its custody. Women always win arguments anyway, so I don't think I can get the cat.

[glows]

24 minutes ago, RandallHare said:

I think she wants someone with a good profession.

Attractive to me means easy on the eye. 

I don't actually find it difficult.

I think you missed my last question. Do you think of yourself as attractive and accomplished in your profession? The reason I ask is attractive and accomplished women aren’t usually going to go for unattractive or unaccomplished guys. People sometimes have unrealistic expectations that way.

[RandallHare]

21 minutes ago, glows said:

I think you missed my last question. Do you think of yourself as attractive and accomplished in your profession? The reason I ask is attractive and accomplished women aren’t usually going to go for unattractive or unaccomplished guys. People sometimes have unrealistic expectations that way.

Ohhh, sorry for dodging that question.

Yeah, I think I am attractive and accomplished.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, RandallHare said:

Ohhh, sorry for dodging that question.

Yeah, I think I am attractive and accomplished.

Then it’s a matter of time and being patient. There are plenty of people wondering the same thing - when are they going to meet someone they’re both attracted to and checks off other boxes. Your mother sounds like she has your best interests. 

[RandallHare]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Then it’s a matter of time and being patient. There are plenty of people wondering the same thing - when are they going to meet someone they’re both attracted to and checks off other boxes. Your mother sounds like she has your best interests. 

She thinks too much about my welfare, but not my happiness... to the point that she's fine with me getting married with someone I find boring just because she has a high-paying job.

[Els]

6 hours ago, RandallHare said:

 

Actually, there are many reasons. It just so happens that the first one that automatically crops up is that I don't want to rent.

Aside from the two, I have other reasons.

One is that my sister is hilarious, I still want to spend more time listening to her. Every day is literally a sit-com with her.

Another reason is our himalayan cat. I love Maxxie so much. We have the same birthday so he is too special for me. Leaving the house means leaving Maxxie because it's my sister who takes care of him. If I take Maxxie with me, my sister and I will fight. We actually bought Maxxie half and half, after all.

I wish I can post Maxxie's picture but I don't know how...

 

Everyone has choices to make, and everyone makes sacrifices for their choices. In your case, you have chosen to sacrifice a potential for a LTR in order to stay with your cat and sister, so that's your choice. Elsewhere, people are leaving their family home, their family pets, and their siblings in order to live independently or to have a relationship.

It looks like you've made your decision, so enjoy your life then.

Edited November 28, 2023 by Els

[glows]

8 hours ago, RandallHare said:

She thinks too much about my welfare, but not my happiness... to the point that she's fine with me getting married with someone I find boring just because she has a high-paying job.

You’re going to quickly find that an approach like this will draw you to “hot but psycho”. Welfare and happiness are intertwined. From stability and reliability there is happiness. Attraction can develop from other aspects aside from physical attraction. If you can respect your partner for their other attributes you also have a relationship that is multidimensional and not just about looks. 

I think your mother and you have to come to a compromise that works long term. See this more as a glass half full strategy instead of half empty. She’s on your side so use her experience and skills. Don’t be combative or say some of her selections are “boring” because that will only get you defensiveness and she’ll think you’re immature. Your mother is actually a good resource. If she has input on someone consider whether this person is also attractive and someone you can respect. 

You’re so fortunate to have parents who care about your future wife. I grew up completely “no hands” on the wheel with that and made some serious mistakes in choice of future partner. 

Edited November 28, 2023 by glows

[mortensorchid]

Show me one person on this earth who doesn't blame something on their parents - be it a little or a big thing.  It could be trivial things, or it could be horrific trauma that scarred you for life.  We all have things we need to get past and overcome, and one of those things from your childhood.

With that being said, remember: 

1) Just because your parents (or someone else) did or said something doesn't mean that you have to let it hurt you.

2) Just because your parents (or someone else) did or said one thing doesn't mean that you have to do it as well.

3) You are in control of you and no one else, the only thing you can change is you and not others.

Is it easy?  Of course it isn't.  If it was easy everyone would do it.  But they don't and do what is easiest, which is to quit or follow others.  Be happy with you.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, RandallHare said:

She thinks too much about my welfare. she's fine with me getting married with someone I find boring just because she has a high-paying job.

Do you work? Can you support yourself? It seems like your parents think it's time for you to find a wife and leave the nest. At 36, they have a good point.

They are not preventing you from leaving,in fact they seem to be encouraging it despite your resistance. 

Please start dating before they choose someone for you. Your parents are aging and can't take care of you forever. 

[RandallHare]

On 11/29/2023 at 4:29 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Do you work? Can you support yourself? It seems like your parents think it's time for you to find a wife and leave the nest. At 36, they have a good point.

They are not preventing you from leaving,in fact they seem to be encouraging it despite your resistance. 

Please start dating before they choose someone for you. Your parents are aging and can't take care of you forever. 

Yes. I work. I have a high-paying job and an illustrious career in a prestigious profession. I'm having fun too, and everything's going so well. I told my mum about the kind of happiness and satisfaction I have, that I'm having more clients these days, and my business is taking off.

All she could say, which she said in a sad way, was "but you still don't have a girlfriend."

I'm not bothered by it. I'm happy, with or without a girlfriend. The right one will just come.

I'm currently dating three girls now (but not committed). Two of them are my type - pretty ❤️ and have nice professions. The last one, my mum's pick, was okay and has a really good profession, but I am, at most times, uncomfortable with her. We don't have chemistry and she's boring. I still don't know why she texts me every now and then despite our lack of chemistry. I mean, doesn't she feel bored about me? And although we do a lot of muscle worship (I work out and it's one of my fetishes), I don't really enjoy it as I feel as though I'm being objectified. 😐 Which is weird, because, it is supposed to turn me on. I don't feel it with her.

I think none of these three girls are a match with me. The banker has a really nice, cutesy face. I call her "Baby" when I message her. She always responds real-time, but her free time aren't my free time. Being a banker, her days off are Tuesdays and Wednesdays :|. The other girl is a doctor. We click in a lot of ways, and we have many common interests from sci-fi movies to saxophones. We even like the same song --- Lil Boo Thang! The bad thing, though, she doesn't have time to go on dating. Her schedules are crazy-erratic. She drives an hour to the hospitals where she works. We've only had one date so far.

I will be meeting a new girl in two hours. I don't know how she looks. My friend is going to introduce me to her. She said she's pretty and comes from a landed family with farms and businesses. I hope she has more free time and I hope we "click."

[RandallHare]

On 11/29/2023 at 1:42 AM, mortensorchid said:

Show me one person on this earth who doesn't blame something on their parents - be it a little or a big thing.  It could be trivial things, or it could be horrific trauma that scarred you for life.  We all have things we need to get past and overcome, and one of those things from your childhood.

With that being said, remember: 

1) Just because your parents (or someone else) did or said something doesn't mean that you have to let it hurt you.

2) Just because your parents (or someone else) did or said one thing doesn't mean that you have to do it as well.

3) You are in control of you and no one else, the only thing you can change is you and not others.

Is it easy?  Of course it isn't.  If it was easy everyone would do it.  But they don't and do what is easiest, which is to quit or follow others.  Be happy with you.

I love my mum but I'm not blaming her. I posted this thread because I feel as though I need to stop talking to her regarding my dating life. She has many good qualities. She's sweet, she makes everything comfortable and convenient, and she gives good advice. However, I think, she is also too controlling when it comes to our decisions (though she does it in a rather sweet, irresistible way === she's charming lol). I want my future wife to be just like her --- pretty and smart :). However, she wants women I don't feel comfortable with. Maybe coincidence? But she has good persuading skills (followed by a smile lol). I like my mum. It's just that, we disagree when it comes to the women I'm dating.

[glows]

Does your mother plan on living with you once you’re married? A lot of traditional families will have parents living with one child and their spouse. She’s going to also be thinking of how she’s going to fit in the family if she has to live with your wife or any of your siblings’ wives. She may be looking for a personality that is similar to hers but not one she’ll butt heads with. If she’s that smart anyway she won’t be picking a woman like herself but someone more agreeable and flexible.

[RandallHare]

I actually want my mum to live with my family, but I think she will live with my sister's because my sister always wins arguments and my sister also loves my mum.

[Alpacalia]

Why are you such a mama's boy? You're blaming 18 years of your dating life (16-34, before you realized)? If not your mom in one form, or another - it is and was your own insecurities dictating your decisions. If you don't want to listen to your mom, stop listening. That isn't your problem though - your problem is availing, you walk in everyone's shadow but your own.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, RandallHare said:

. The last one, my mum's pick, , but I am  uncomfortable with her. We don't have chemistry and she's boring. I think none of these three girls are a match with me. I will be meeting a new girl in two hours. My friend is going to introduce me to her. She said she's pretty and comes from a landed family 

It does seem like your parents are eager to get you married off and out on your own, but that you seem to be "too picky" and in no rush to leave the nest. 

Good luck with the new introduction. Hopefully you'll hit it off. Please don't waste your or women's time when there's no chemistry and you're not even interested. 

[glows]

6 hours ago, RandallHare said:

I actually want my mum to live with my family, but I think she will live with my sister's because my sister always wins arguments and my sister also loves my mum.

My point is your mother is likely looking for someone who is not exactly like her since she seems quite rigid in who her children date. This is in response to your comment about wanting to find someone like your mother.

That woman who was your mother’s pick and does muscle worship with you sounds boring to you but she is agreeable. She’s agreeing with you about muscles and probably sounds very boring to you because there’s not much exciting in the realm of daring or risqué about her. This woman likely also knows your mother and knows the way you both talk! Im not sure if she’s met your mother or knows you through your mum. She’s not going to immediately embarrass herself around you or your family. I suggest giving this time but it sounds like your mother knows what she’s doing. She is steering the situation but you seem to enjoy it as well and want her input.

You both seem to have a strong relationship which is positive. I think you just need time going on dates and finding someone you click with and has the persona to also be compatible with the rest of your family.