Sex too soon

[SunnySide0418]

I've been seeing a guy I work with for a month.  We've gotten pretty close due to frequent conversations and we messed around a few times. Nothing major.  I went to his house Sat night and he made me dinner. We ended up having sex.  It was great but I wanted to wait longer but got caught up in the heat of the moment. I now feel I ruined things in my mind bc I wanted to wait longer.  He's acting the same is just me.  Do I tell him? Or do I just act the same?? I don't know why this is messing with my head.  Thanks

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said:

I've been seeing a guy I work with for a month.   It was great but I wanted to wait longer but got caught up in the heat of the moment. I now feel I ruined things in my mind bc I wanted to wait longer.  

Try to relax. Please don't have a relationship talk about this.

Nothing bad happened. You were seeing each other and it progressed. Wasn't that the point?

Sex sooner rather than later isn't going to ruin a good situation. The same way delaying sex isn't going to improve anything. Take a deep breath and relax without inflicting any anxiety on him about dating "rules". 

[FredEire]

In my experience sex on a first date can ruin a potential connection and turn something in a confusing FWB relationship.

These days especially sex on a second/third/fourth date is pretty normal. And after a month when you've presumably seen eachother a few times it wouldn't be unusual at all.

There's no hard and fast rule though, it depends on you and how you both feel about it. If you had a good time and like spending time with him nothing to worry about in my opinion.

[Sony12]

There is not any specific timetable for sex to happen. Rather it be on the first date, first few dates, or after marriage. All that matters is when both people are comfortable and ready for it to happen. If people have sex on the first date they will still get it involved in a long-term relationship if they so wish to get involved in one.

It just matters what you want and what the people you are going out with want.

Edited November 27, 2023 by Sony12

[d0nnivain]

You act the same.   It will be alright.  Stop beating yourself up 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said:

He's acting the same is just me.

What does this mean?

[d0nnivain]

26 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What does this mean?

I took it as a typo & she meant to write "it's just me" [that is acting different]  but forgot the T & the apostrophe 

[Alpacalia]

Possibly. And not always.

You may find that people tend to move quickly into sexual relationships and then quickly into committed ones. This means not knowing each other well enough and you might miss them warning signs. It's really more about not taking time to truly get to know each other. This is different from mere sex but doing it to deepen the relationship more quickly.

If you're comfortable with sleeping with men early then you'll be comfortable.

If you're not and you sleep with them anyways to being nervous, or because you think that it might attract him or to let the man feel wanted then you will often screw yourself than you can have if you can resist the impulse or hold off until it's something that you want.

What exactly is it that you want to do regarding the sex? 

Do you want more? Do you want to slow down? Do you want to stop all together for now? 

[smackie9]

Don't have sex with him again, just wait and have a talk with him about it when the subject arises. 

To avoid this in future, don't go to a man's flat if you are not ready to have sex...if you get invited you tell him it's too soon....he will understand what you mean. 

[FredEire]

32 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Possibly. And not always.

You may find that people tend to move quickly into sexual relationships and then quickly into committed ones. This means not knowing each other well enough and you might miss them warning signs. It's really more about not taking time to truly get to know each other. This is different from mere sex but doing it to deepen the relationship more quickly.

If you're comfortable with sleeping with men early then you'll be comfortable.

If you're not and you sleep with them anyways to being nervous, or because you think that it might attract him or to let the man feel wanted then you will often screw yourself than you can have if you can resist the impulse or hold off until it's something that you want.

What exactly is it that you want to do regarding the sex? 

Do you want more? Do you want to slow down? Do you want to stop all together for now? 

Yes agree with this. Have sex when it feels right to and both people are comfortable. That could be after one night or one year, it really depends on the two people involved and what they both want.

I think the only thing to avoid is doing it just to please the guy you are seeing, or the opposite thing of constantly teasing him and then backing off to show that he has to work harder. In both cases he's just going to feel pushed away.

The problem is that unfortunately men are rarely going to turn down sex if it's offered to them, even if they'd rather wait, especially in the early stages when they think it might fizzle out if they say no (not saying this is a good thing but it's in my view the norm).

If you see it as something that might turn into a romantic partnership rather than just sleeping around, maybe say something along the lines of "I like you and I'm having a great time seeing you, I'm just not sure if you feel we're going too fast". If that's how he feels he might be relieved that you brought it up, and also if it isn't an issue for him then you're on the same page!

Also, a common experience me and many of my male friends have had is being asked "what are we?/how do you feel about me?" just before falling asleep. There's a time and a place for that question but in my opinion that ain't it and is a great way to push someone away.

[mark clemson]

While there are FWB and NSA situations, for many if not most people sex escalates the budding relationship to a higher status (increased intimacy).

If you weren't ready to escalate the relationship to a new stage, well, you did. It sounds like your instincts are telling you it's ok to do that, but your "thinking mind" is not. Perhaps you have a belief about how long you are supposed to wait (really just an opinion, there is no actual required timeframe) or perhaps there are a few lingering uncertainties about whether he's right?

At any rate, it seems your instincts took over and decided for you. I have noticed in my general life experience that when women do decide "he's the right guy for them", they tend not to wait too long. So, he is probably a quality male, or perhaps a good-but-somewhat-borderline one (for you) if there is still hesitation.

Presumably, to him, the message has been sent that the relationship is now on more solid footing. If it turns out he's a great guy and you continue like each other, that's probably a positive thing.

[Lotsgoingon]

Connect with him. Say you really enjoyed the sex--make that clear. Make clear you really like him. Then say that you feel like maybe you guys rushed into sex before you were ready--as in before you had figured out your relationship.

Look, I've seen many relationships survive having sex "too early." So you haven't fatally killed things. But you and he did make it harder---sex before exclusivity (with someone you are interested in exploring a long-term relationship) is destabilizing. 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said:

I've been seeing a guy I work with for a month.  We've gotten pretty close due to frequent conversations and we messed around a few times. Nothing major.  I went to his house Sat night and he made me dinner. We ended up having sex.  It was great but I wanted to wait longer but got caught up in the heat of the moment. I now feel I ruined things in my mind bc I wanted to wait longer.  He's acting the same is just me.  Do I tell him? Or do I just act the same?? I don't know why this is messing with my head.  Thanks

Perhaps it would help if we unpack the reason why you felt having sex ruined things.  What outcome do you think waiting longer could possibly have delivered?

 

[glows]

Can you recap here. What do you want to tell him?

I don’t think there’s anything to talk about. If he’s into you he’ll keep seeing you. See whether he wants to go on dates.

[SunnySide0418]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I talked to him and told him I wanted to dial it back a little regarding the sex. That I did it earlier than I'm really comfortable with.  He was understanding and said he's fine with that and he's not going anywhere.  So we'll see ..

Edited November 27, 2023 by SunnySide0418

[Alpacalia]

Good to hear.

I think sometimes we have this notion that you should hold out on having sex in order to make sure the other person wants a relationship with you. I don't quite feel that's the point.

Whether you like to admit it or not, having sex too soon can definitely create a false sense of intimacy in a relationship. Initially, everything might seem great and exciting, but once the honeymoon phase wears off, you may realize that you don't actually have a strong connection with the other person and the foundation of your relationship is built solely on physical attraction and not much else.

So, good that you've recognized that it was done past your comfort zone and without really understanding the motivation behind it. Not to say that having sex early is always a bad thin either.