Ursula Coyote Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 A longtime acquaintance recently lost his wife within the last month. He reached out via online chat after nearly ten years of pretty much no contact saying he was trying to get back in touch with old friends. He asked if I had someone special in my life to which I replied, "No, and I'm happier that way". He then asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee. This guy has been interested in me in the past...a feeling that was not returned. I have no interest in this guy, and to be honest, he represents a time in my life that I really don't want to revisit. Does this request for coffee so soon after his wife passing away seem like he could want something more? I'm not interested, and don't want to inadvertently open a can of worms. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 You could simply go and keep very set boundaries. I think he will get the hint very quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 Could be. Could not be. His spouse just died so he probably more than anything would like some company. If you view him as a friend be just that to him and if he tries to make any advances then tell him you aren't interested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 12 minutes ago, Ursula Coyote said: "No, and I'm happier that way". He then asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee. Maybe he was checking if you have a man in your life it wouldn't be a good idea to restart your friendship, so he checked first before asking you to coffee. You made it pretty clear you aren't interested in anything. Do you have any single friends who are looking for a boyfriend? If so, invite her along so she can meet him. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 22 minutes ago, Ursula Coyote said: A longtime acquaintance recently lost his wife within the last month. He reached out via online chat after nearly ten years of pretty much no contact saying he was trying to get back in touch with old friends. He asked if I had someone special in my life to which I replied, "No, and I'm happier that way". He then asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee. It seems like he's grieving and lonely and reaching out to people which is great for him. Please try to be kind and just have a cup of coffee. You've already told him you're not interested in dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 (edited) If you're not interested and you genuinely believe he's trying to pursue something romantic, you may want to decline. You don't want to give a grieving man hope and then reject him. I have no idea what sort of a person he is. He might be able to take that kind of rejection in stride or he might not. Personally, I wouldn't want to take a chance. It might not be a bad idea to look up some resources that he might benefit from and suggest them to him. Alternatively, you might invite him to get-togethers of a few friends/acquaintances. Edited November 28, 2023 by Acacia98 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 It’s too soon to date. He needs someone to talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 (edited) Your reply to him sounds an awful lot like a polite way of saying “I am happy with my life without you being in it”. He did not promise to ask for your hand in marriage, he only asked if you wanted to go out for coffee. It will be a coffee, and no more unless you agree. The guy's wife just passed away within the last month. Just to have a few hours of distraction from the pain of losing his beloved wife is something every human being needs when no one is around to grieve with you. You can go and just be a friend. I do not see how someone spending a coffee just for company is opening a can of worms. Edited November 28, 2023 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Ursula Coyote said: A longtime acquaintance recently lost his wife within the last month. He reached out via online chat after nearly ten years of pretty much no contact saying he was trying to get back in touch with old friends. He asked if I had someone special in my life to which I replied, "No, and I'm happier that way". He then asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee. This guy has been interested in me in the past...a feeling that was not returned. I have no interest in this guy, and to be honest, he represents a time in my life that I really don't want to revisit. Does this request for coffee so soon after his wife passing away seem like he could want something more? I'm not interested, and don't want to inadvertently open a can of worms. Given the somewhat inappropriate question about having someone special I'd say there's a good chance of that, although given his loss there's probably a lot going on for him at the moment. Either way it sounds like you feel for the guy and what he's gone through and want to make a gesture but don't particularly enjoy spending time with him. You could suggest getting a group together maybe? Edited November 28, 2023 by FredEire Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ursula Coyote Posted November 28, 2023 Author Share Posted November 28, 2023 12 minutes ago, FredEire said: Given the somewhat inappropriate question about having someone special I'd say there's a good chance of that, although given his loss there's probably a lot going on for him at the moment. Either way it sounds like you feel for the guy and what he's gone through and want to make a gesture but don't particularly enjoy spending time with him. You could suggest getting a group together maybe? You know....upon reflecting a bit more, I think what I need to ask is.....would I be heartless to turn down the coffee request? I actually don't want to get together with him one-on-one. He's ok, but has also in the past displayed some stalker like tendencies and I'm pretty sure all the women in our then social circle gave a collective sigh of relief when he finally found someone. He gave off somewhat desperate vibes back in the day. I just don't want to revisit that in any way and we don't travel in the same social circles anymore, so that shared connection is not there anymore. I feel sorry for his loss, I really do.....but it's only been about ten days since she passed away and I find the coffee invitation not quite 'right' in my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 1 hour ago, Ursula Coyote said: I have no interest in this guy, and to be honest, he represents a time in my life that I really don't want to revisit. What time in your life don't you want to revisit? Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 20 minutes ago, Ursula Coyote said: You know....upon reflecting a bit more, I think what I need to ask is.....would I be heartless to turn down the coffee request? I actually don't want to get together with him one-on-one. He's ok, but has also in the past displayed some stalker like tendencies and I'm pretty sure all the women in our then social circle gave a collective sigh of relief when he finally found someone. He gave off somewhat desperate vibes back in the day. I just don't want to revisit that in any way and we don't travel in the same social circles anymore, so that shared connection is not there anymore. I feel sorry for his loss, I really do.....but it's only been about ten days since she passed away and I find the coffee invitation not quite 'right' in my mind. It's a touchy subject because he's obviously just gone through a tragedy and everyone in that situation needs support. However, it doesn't mean your instincts about him are wrong. The best idea to me seems to be trying to organise a group meeting, that way you're still being supportive of him but ensuring it's not going to turn into a very awkward difficult situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ursula Coyote Posted November 28, 2023 Author Share Posted November 28, 2023 17 minutes ago, FredEire said: It's a touchy subject because he's obviously just gone through a tragedy and everyone in that situation needs support. However, it doesn't mean your instincts about him are wrong. The best idea to me seems to be trying to organize a group meeting, that way you're still being supportive of him but ensuring it's not going to turn into a very awkward difficult situation. I've barely heard from this guy in nearly ten years.....I would think there are more appropriate people, like family and friends he's actually kept up with, to fill in this role. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 1 minute ago, Ursula Coyote said: I've barely heard from this guy in nearly ten years.....I would think there are more appropriate people, like family and friends he's actually kept up with, to fill in this role. You would think so but the guy could be very lonely. Some people for whatever reason find it very hard to connect with people and have a circle around them. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 57 minutes ago, Ursula Coyote said: I think what I need to ask is.....would I be heartless to turn down the coffee request? No. If you don't want to go, don't. It wouldn't be much support to him anyway if you don't really want to be there. You could have declined when he first asked. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 2 hours ago, Ursula Coyote said: I have no interest in this guy Just say "no"... 😀 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 1 hour ago, Ursula Coyote said: You know....upon reflecting a bit more, I think what I need to ask is.....would I be heartless to turn down the coffee request? I actually don't want to get together with him one-on-one. He's ok, but has also in the past displayed some stalker like tendencies and I'm pretty sure all the women in our then social circle gave a collective sigh of relief when he finally found someone. He gave off somewhat desperate vibes back in the day. I just don't want to revisit that in any way and we don't travel in the same social circles anymore, so that shared connection is not there anymore. I feel sorry for his loss, I really do.....but it's only been about ten days since she passed away and I find the coffee invitation not quite 'right' in my mind. If that’s the case, no. I wouldn’t go for coffee. Don’t overthink this. I don’t know the extent of your conversation but I wouldn’t even respond if it was just those two lines. What’s curious is despite not liking this man he was still able to reach out to you via “online chat”? Why didn’t you block him all those years ago? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ursula Coyote Posted November 28, 2023 Author Share Posted November 28, 2023 58 minutes ago, glows said: If that’s the case, no. I wouldn’t go for coffee. Don’t overthink this. I don’t know the extent of your conversation but I wouldn’t even respond if it was just those two lines. What’s curious is despite not liking this man he was still able to reach out to you via “online chat”? Why didn’t you block him all those years ago? My main concern is not accidentally giving him the impression that I would want a relationship if I went out for coffee. I have zero attraction for him other than being a acquaintance/ friend, but in the past before he met his wife he didn't always get the hint. He got a lot better and settled down after he met his wife so was fine to be around after that. There's been no reason to block him as he's hardly contacted me for years. He's at a vulnerable time right now and I don't want him to latch onto sympathy and compassion and mistake it for something else. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 1 hour ago, glows said: What’s curious is despite not liking this man he was still able to reach out to you via “online chat”? Why didn’t you block him all those years ago? Yes. Typically when someone gives us the creeps along the lines of what you've described OP, they block access to further communications from said person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 5 hours ago, Ursula Coyote said: This guy has been interested in me in the past...a feeling that was not returned. I have no interest in this guy, and to be honest, he represents a time in my life that I really don't want to revisit. This is your own answer to yourself: No, do not go out for coffee. What good would it possibly serve? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ursula Coyote Posted November 28, 2023 Author Share Posted November 28, 2023 1 hour ago, Alpacalia said: Yes. Typically when someone gives us the creeps along the lines of what you've described OP, they block access to further communications from said person. Most of the creepy stuff happened in the real world setting.....you can't just 'block' someone in real life like you can online. The behaviour was more along the lines of social awkwardness and annoyance than anything to be seriously concerned about. We all just tolerated it and when he paired up with his wife he got much better since he was finally in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 10 minutes ago, Ursula Coyote said: Most of the creepy stuff happened in the real world setting.....you can't just 'block' someone in real life like you can online. The behaviour was more along the lines of social awkwardness and annoyance than anything to be seriously concerned about. We all just tolerated it and when he paired up with his wife he got much better since he was finally in a relationship. Even more reason to not have contact with him online or being connect through online platforms. You mentioned "stalker-like tendencies" which may have been more tonguess in cheek. Clearly he makes you uncomfortable and distresses you. But then again, you're also questioning if he might still have romantic feelings towards you. It just sounds like you want to make it clear that there is nothing more than a platonic relationship. Which you are entitled to and so having read your other replies, no, going out for coffee with him would not be a good idea based on what you shared about your past with him and how he behaved when he had contact with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 3 hours ago, Ursula Coyote said: My main concern is not accidentally giving him the impression that I would want a relationship if I went out for coffee. I have zero attraction for him other than being a acquaintance/ friend, but in the past before he met his wife he didn't always get the hint. He got a lot better and settled down after he met his wife so was fine to be around after that. There's been no reason to block him as he's hardly contacted me for years. He's at a vulnerable time right now and I don't want him to latch onto sympathy and compassion and mistake it for something else. That’s fair but kind of reading into it too much. We can’t control how others act or what they think and is a bit presumptuous to assume he’s vulnerable at all. I was quite pissed off with one acquaintance who dared to presume when I was separated that I was “vulnerable” as if he has some great effect or was God’s gift to women. I had a good laugh. He may have been dealing with his wife’s passing in his own way so best not to assume you’re doing anyone any favours. If you want to catch up then go for coffee. If you don’t like him period then don’t go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 5 hours ago, FredEire said: The best idea to me seems to be trying to organise a group meeting, that way you're still being supportive of him but ensuring it's not going to turn into a very awkward difficult situation. I agree with this solution if you want to meet him for coffee out of curtesy. Can't you take a mutual friend with you if you decide to go? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 28, 2023 Share Posted November 28, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, Ursula Coyote said: He's at a vulnerable time right now and I don't want him to latch onto sympathy and compassion and mistake it for something else. In this case it's a very awkward position because you don't want to be cold to someone who's grieving, but given his history and that he seems creepy, it may be best to offer condolences and distance yourself. Edited November 28, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
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