Long distance situationship ghosted before meeting

[Jadedjaded]

Hi all, I’ll try to keep this short. 
 

I had a solo trip planned to France in March of this year. A girlfriend had suggested I download bumble for friends to meet some people solo traveling to meet up a month before I went. I ended up matching with this gentleman, Ben, and we started chatting. I had the app for 24 hours before I realized it was premature. However, I asked Ben to keep in contact via Instagram so that I could continue getting suggestions for different places in Paris before my trip. Fast forward, my trip ended up being cancelled due to work restraints but Ben and I continued chatting. Before I knew it, Ben and I were speaking every day. (Texting, voice messages and lots of video calls)We shortly moved to WhatsApp. We grew to like each other and were excited about seeing each other soon. His birthday came and went and I sent him a small gift. A month later my birthday came and he showered me with the most thoughtful gifts from across the country. We video called and chatted often. The month after my birthday we decided to pull the trigger and finally meet(6 months post first chat). I was to go out there. We were excited (so I thought lol). 3 days before my trip he drops a bomb on me and says that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea and that we’re setting ourselves up for heartbreak. Initially I tried to reassure him that we’re both adults and that we have always said we owed it to ourselves to meet once but when he doubled down and said that he’s thought about this and that it will cause emotional trauma that he’s not in a place to deal with, I didn’t push the issues. I was shattered obviously as I had already thought my ticket, and was so blindsided. I had asked him a week prior how he was feeling and was given reassurance that he’s really excited to finally meet and we are long overdue. Talked about picking me up at the airport and all the places we would experience together.  Anyway, I never ended up responding to his text message as I felt so incredibly disrespected and went on the trip anyway. Ended up visiting other countries in Europe as well but I was crushed. I deleted him off of instagram after my trip. It’s been three months since this happened and I’m still deeply hurt and can’t wrap my head around it. I know there’s no use in wondering what if but has anyone else experienced this? What would cause someone to violently switch up at the 11th hour? 

Edited November 29, 2023 by Jadedjaded
Addition

[glows]

He said you’re setting yourselves up for heartbreak. I’m assuming he meant he’s not open to long distance relationships. He also said he’s not open to emotional trauma or more of it suggesting he’s broken or grieving over something else already and doesn’t need one other thing to bring him down. Do you know what he’s talking about? What hard times is he referring to? 

All this may be excuses and full of nothing but BS but I’m willing to bet he’s got much more he’s not telling you if you don’t know already. When someone shows you how un-ready they are for anything real and meaningful, believe it. 

Aside from the answers coming directly from him, all of this is speculation only. 

[Jadedjaded]

I understand what you’re saying. It was just odd to me because we spoke multiple times about the connection and how we owed it to ourselves to meet just once. I would have never in a million years centered a trip around him if I had even an inkling that he wasn’t 100% certain about meeting. In fact he brought it up on multiple occasions throughout the months of speaking as well. “I’d like to see you sooner than later”. We even attempted to plan something in a different country but his visa would not come in time for the only time I could take off from work. 

I hate speculating as well. But needed to get this all off my chest and have people tell me to get a grip!! 🤣

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Jadedjaded said:

What would cause someone to violently switch up at the 11th hour? 

Probably the girlfriend he never mentioned to you. 

 

[d0nnivain]

It was a fantasy.  Whoever told you to download bumble before your trip to meet "friends" for your solo travel did you no favors.  That is a dating app or maybe even a hook up app.  At no point was it ever designed to get you a friend.  

Last March this guy may have been DTF.  Then you two played at something but it was never real.  You weren't his GF.  You were somebody on the other side of the world at the end of a device.  It was a fun distraction.  

It's kinda of mean that he encouraged you to spend all that money to travel to his country but then blew you off but he probably never believed you'd go through with it.  As somebody else suggested he may have had a GF.  Another possibility is that his pictures were fake & he didn't want to come clean 

I'm sorry but hopefully you learned not to try to "make friends" internationally off a dating / hookup site.  Honestly with those kinds of apps you have to assume that everything somebody tells you on there is a LIE until you meet them & actually click. 

Glad your trip was otherwise good.  

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Probably the girlfriend he never mentioned to you. 

 

This^ or a wife.  It was a phone relationship and plenty of miles in between so he never really expected it to go further.  Now you want to meet and he already has someone so he had to then let you go.  Try to get involved with people close to you that you can see in person to spend time with.  There are a lot of scammers out there.

[Jadedjaded]

Thanks all. I was naive in thinking that people are forthright with their intentions for sure and for taking mere words at face value. 
 

few things to note:

1. definitely not catfish as we video called often. 
2. I met lots of his long time friends via video call and vice versa so it felt like mild assimilation in each others lives and daily routines. Maybe naiveness again on my part but do people with wives or gfs introduce others into the picture?

3. In any case, however you want to cut the cake, it was mean and gross to continue something for 6 months with 0 intention of sticking true to one’s word. I had an amazing first time trip abroad to France, Belgium, and Netherlands. Met lots of amazing people. Ate too many croissants. Learned lots of lessons many of which you all mentioned. Definitely NEVER doing that again 🤣

[NuevoYorko]

Sorry you're hurt and disappointed, but I really hope you learned something:  NEVER do this again.  Building a relationship and developing feelings for a person you are only interacting with on the Internet is setting yourself up for exactly what happened.

It's super common, you can find hundreds of threads that are basically interchangeable with yours, sadly.

If you connected with Ben, chatted a bit and left it at "when I travel to ______  I'll let you know and perhaps we can meet" - that would have been okay.  No harm, no foul if it didn't come to pass, and maybe a good experience if it did.  

But romantic  investment especially at this intensive level with a stranger, far away, is ALWAYS a bad idea.

[Alpacalia]

I know it's hard but try not to read into why he suddenly changed his mind. It could be so many reasons. Whatever the reason, it was not your fault. These sort of things HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. Especially with online dating and even when local, people back out at the last minute all the time. It's a 50-50 chance with online dating, they either show up or they don't.

This is just plain inconsiderate and cowardly on his part. But there is little to be gained from seeking closure in this situation, he's long gone.

It just happens that with something like this, there's a lot more logistical effort & money involved. 

I'm glad you went on your trip and didn't cancel just because of his decision. I would have done that too. You made the most of your time and maybe you even learned a little bit about yourself during your travels. That's what is important here - you did what is best for you and had a great time despite the disappointment. Good for you!

[stillafool]

38 minutes ago, Jadedjaded said:

 

2. I met lots of his long time friends via video call and vice versa so it felt like mild assimilation in each others lives and daily routines. Maybe naiveness again on my part but do people with wives or gfs introduce others into the picture?

 

Of course they do and can.  They may have friends who also cheat, keep secrets and aide each other in this type of activity.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Jadedjaded said:

Thanks all. I was naive in thinking that people are forthright with their intentions for sure and for taking mere words at face value. 
 

few things to note:

1. definitely not catfish as we video called often. 
2. I met lots of his long time friends via video call and vice versa so it felt like mild assimilation in each others lives and daily routines. Maybe naiveness again on my part but do people with wives or gfs introduce others into the picture?

3. In any case, however you want to cut the cake, it was mean and gross to continue something for 6 months with 0 intention of sticking true to one’s word. I had an amazing first time trip abroad to France, Belgium, and Netherlands. Met lots of amazing people. Ate too many croissants. Learned lots of lessons many of which you all mentioned. Definitely NEVER doing that again 🤣

It might be helpful to think of it as a "soft" catfish...He might have been exactly who he said he is and have the surrounding life facts, exactly as he told you. But his INTENTIONS might have been the fantasy or catfish. Whether he did that intentionally or unintentionally, it's hard to tell. Long distance relationships are really hard and most guys don't want to do them if they are serious about dating/a girlfriend. If they are not serious, they might waste/spend 6 months acting as if they do and telling you what you want to hear to keep up with the fantasy and emotional stuff they get from this faux relationship (makes them feel good about themselves when the reality of them could be different, etc). I also think it's possible of course that he had a girlfriend or wife, that's why the eject button didn't happen until the last minute. Or maybe it was a budding or his own situation ship, and the reality of you coming made it too complicated or made him decide what to do about that.

I think a large part of your distress is the dream and hope that you built up about a person & life you imagined. A future life. If you look into why people get so upset after a breakup, it's often in large part, due to losing the ability to live out the dreams of what they wanted in the future with this person. A lot of the times, the fallacy is that the person you've pinned these hopes and dreams on, is NOT that person but more an outline of a person that your brain has filled in with the best possible/ideal traits on which you build a great future (imaginary) life. The reality with the person is often very different (if it moves forward at all). Your hopes and dreams about an ideal relationship still exist and you can transfer or morph them to someone new--they are still yours. My advice is to never (whether it's long distance or local) wait this long to meet someone. That prevents building up a fantasy about someone. It's an investment. Sunk cost (look that up). I think 2-3 weeks MAX is the most you should wait to meet someone. If logistics prevent that, then don't continue to invest but treat them like a friend and get in touch when logistics are ok to meet up, ie in this case, when you trip to France was happening organically and separate from him, then you could reach out and say you were in town and that is sort of day one. In the in-between time, don't really talk except a tiny bit as friends. That's really all that person is to you. Put them on the back burner bc you don't know them.

Glad you got the croissants! 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Jadedjaded said:

Maybe naiveness again on my part but do people with wives or gfs introduce others into the picture?

Yup, and I know a couple of men who have done exactly that. 

Who knows, maybe this one juggles more than one woman at once and his friends are used to it (I also know man like this; he's in an open relationship and his friends don't bat an eye if he pops up somewhere with another woman) Maybe he was betweeen women. Maybe an ex came back. 

Or perhaps there were other areas of his life he hasn't been honest about and didn't want you to discover the truth. 

It could have been just about anything, but I would bet dollars to doughnuts there is a lot you don't know about him. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Jadedjaded said:

it was mean and gross to continue something for 6 months with 0 intention of sticking true to one’s word.

I think he probably had every intention of sticking to his word.  But then he changed his mind.   While it can be disappointing, inconvenient or even costly, people do have the right to change their minds.

The alternative would have been that he had you come anyway but secretly didn't want you there and acted weird and strange.  I don't think this would be an improvement on cancelling

[Jadedjaded]

Thank you guys for your responses. 

@Versacehottie; I agree with the soft catfish notion as well as the fantasy i conjured up. While I enjoyed the conversations with him, it might have been a distraction and fantasy for me as well. I get to maintain my focus on my career but still get the validation that someone "cares". I also believe that these feelings three months after the fact have resurfaced because i have gone on two unsuccessful dates, where the men are nice men but the emotional connection is not there and i'm clinging to the last emotional connection I had.

@ExpatInItaly: Thanks for shedding light! I bet I barely scratched the surface with him as well. Lesson learned!

@basil67:  No doubt about it! It would have been nice if he didn't change his mind at the 11th hour and had done it the month before when I got my ticket, and the multiple conversations to follow. Feelings are valid, not wanting to continue is valid, even his reasoning if he was being honest, valid... What's ironic is during a conversation the week before the trip I checked in with him to see how he's feeling and he says something along the lines of "I would never have you fly out half way across the world where you have nobody if I wasn't 100% certain I wanted to see you. I would tell you 'hey i dont think this is a good idea' rather than we both spend an awkward 12 days." 🤣 It's almost comical honestly and I kicked myself for it as these feelings ebb and flow.