Wife cheated, left, cheated again and now I'm in limbo

[JohnCheatedOn]

My wife of 1.5 years (together for 9 years) left me 6 weeks ago. She stopped drinking 3 weeks before that. She's lost weight recently and looks amazing. When she left I was shocked. Didn't see it coming. Went back through recent messages between us and we were so nice to each other, you wouldn't have seen this coming if you read them.

 

She says we don't make each other happy and she doesn't know who she is any more. She makes me happy so I don't know why she thinks otherwise. We do argue and things are said that are hurtful in those moments but I believe those things can be worked through.

 

She said she wanted to sell the house ASAP so she could move on which does me no favours.

 

I begged her for 4 weeks to give us another chance, telling her I'd work harder on our relationship and support her with everything, improving myself as much as possible. She said maybe, every time, giving me hope, but that she needed time and space to decide. Then, she agreed to hang out with me because I told her I was so lonely. It's true, I don't have any accessible family or lots of friends. All of my friends and family were on her side and I lost them overnight. I promised we'd have fun and show each other what the good times were like again.

 

We had a great night, slept together, I thought we were potentially starting over, but then I found messages on her phone proving she'd been cheating on me with a colleague. I never once suspected she was capable of this. There were so many messages I couldn't read them all, and they made me feel physically sick, but it had been going on for at least a few weeks before she left. I confronted her about it in the morning. She got upset, said it was a mistake and said she wanted to try again with me. I decided to forgive her mistake. I still love her very much. 

 

That night she was cold with me which felt like a 180 but it wasn't unusual since she has had mood swings for a while now. She told me she hadn't spoken to this guy and that he hadn't messaged her which seemed sus since she works with him and had been messaging him every spare moment in the weeks leading up to this.

 

But over the following week we planned a first date in an attempt to reconcile. She came round on Saturday, we went for a lovely meal, cuddled with our dogs and went to bed and slept together. I had noticed that evening (I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't found out about this guy) that she was being very protective of her phone. When she went to bed, instead of charging her phone on the side table like usual, she put it on the floor under her dressing gown. My suspicion and concerns got the better of me and I looked. She'd continued to message this guy in the same way all week. So I sent myself the WhatsApp chat and went downstairs to read the heartbreaking messages. She sexts, graphic messages, rude selfies, attempts to sleep with him often, she badmouths me to him, makes things up about her doing everything here, everything for the dogs, paying all of the bills, none of which is remotely true. She made fun of me for losing my job the week before she left. I'm concerned that she's been saying these things to her family and friends which would make it difficult for me to win them around again.

 

But I still love her. I still believe we can make each other happy and have a healthy future together. I confronted her the following morning about continuing to cheat, lie about it and the things she says about me. She was very upset, apologetic again, said he was a mistake and she doesn't know why she's been doing these things. She said she still wants to be with me but I need to decide if I can trust her now.

 

Fast forward to that evening and I messaged saying I forgive her and want to work on our marriage and my newly developed trust issues. She did another 180 and got angry at me for going through her phone and sending myself those messages. Said she'd had time to reflect and didn't know if she could move past it.

 

I've spent the last 6 weeks in limbo, utterly depressed, heartbroken, the only thing keeping me going was the hope she kept saying still existed. Now we're back in the same boat. She tells me she didn't leave me for this guy but because our marriage wasn't working. That she doesn't know who she is or why she's done these things but intends to find out and decide what she wants.

 

I asked her to give us another chance and she's back in the "maybe one day" category and I don't know how to live in limbo any more, but I also can't bring myself to quit her.

 

She tells me they haven't spoken since I confronted her the second time, but who knows, it doesn't really make sense that he wouldn't ask why she's gone quiet after they were messaging all day every day and they work together. What should I do? I want her back, I want our lives back, my life seems worthless and pointless without her. 

 

Thanks for any feedback 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

She  said she wanted to sell the house ASAP so she could move on 

Sorry this is happening. Are you still living together? How old is she? Do you have children? Are both of you currently working?

Unfortunately she seems to want to divorce. Please consult an attorney for information support and advice for your situation.

Try to get yourself organized and your ducks in a row. Whether she continues the affair or not isn't as important as the fact that she seems adamant about selling the house and divorcing. 

[JohnCheatedOn]

Thanks for your reply 

She moved to her auntie's 6 weeks ago but has no fixed abode and no plans to find her own place 

No kids thankfully but 2 dogs I'm looking after 

I asked if she wants a divorce and she said she'd rather work on this than get a divorce 

I lost my job a few weeks ago and I've been a complete mess since she left, but financially I'm OK. She's working yes, still in close proximity with the colleague she's cheated with 

Adamant about selling the house, yes, but not about divorce 

Her comments and actions are so confusing 

[JohnCheatedOn]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you still living together? How old is she? Do you have children? Are both of you currently working?

Unfortunately she seems to want to divorce. Please consult an attorney for information support and advice for your situation.

Try to get yourself organized and your ducks in a row. Whether she continues the affair or not isn't as important as the fact that she seems adamant about selling the house and divorcing. 

Thanks for your reply 

 

She moved to her auntie's 6 weeks ago but has no fixed abode and no plans to find her own place 

 

No kids thankfully but 2 dogs I'm looking after 

 

I asked if she wants a divorce and she said she'd rather work on this than get a divorce 

 

I lost my job a few weeks ago and I've been a complete mess since she left, but financially I'm OK. She's working yes, still in close proximity with the colleague she's cheated with 

 

Adamant about selling the house, yes, but not about divorce 

 

Her comments and actions are so confusing

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

I want her back, I want our lives back, my life seems worthless and pointless without her. 

I can appreciate that this is a lot to wrap your brain around in a very short time, but unfortunately this is not an option any more.

Quite simply, you can tho back to life as you knew it. You can’t go back to the day before you knew that she was cheating. Life has changed and you need to adapt. That means, you need to stop begging your wife to give you another chance - you did nothing wrong!!

You need to do 180 and tell her that you will not accept this kind of treatment from your wife, the woman who is supposed to have your back more than anyone else. She doesn’t get to make the decision whether you stay together or not - you do. I’m sorry, this is going to sound blunt, but please have the self respect to decide that you will not be treated this poorly by your wife. I would begin to plan for divorce - see a lawyer, definitely don’t seek your home impulsively because she needs the money to pursue her other relationship. 

I’m sorry this happened, I understand that it’s hard… but, you don’t really want to stay with a woman who could do this to you. And, certainly not if she is unsure whether she wants her marriage or her affair. Find a counsellor and find a lawyer - you will need both. Find the courage to do what you need to do for yourself… and sadly, that isn’t staying in your marriage any more. 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

I asked if she wants a divorce and she said she'd rather work on this than get a divorce 

Do not agree to do marriage counselling if she is still involved with her affair partner. That is a waste of your time and money. 
 

4 minutes ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

Adamant about selling the house, yes, but not about divorce 

Do not agree to sell your home without talking to a lawyer.

She is trying to hedge her bets - she wants the money, but she wants to keep you on the backburner until he decides what she wants. She doesn’t get to do that. I wouldn’t allow that in any way. 

You can’t trust her anymore. You need to make the decisions that are in your personal and financial best interest. And, making the impulsive decision to sell your home while she is in crisis is not a wise decision. 

If there is a discrepancy between her words and her actions - believe her actions. She says that she wants to work on the marriage, her actions say something very different…

[JohnCheatedOn]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I can appreciate that this is a lot to wrap your brain around in a very short time, but unfortunately this is not an option any more.

Quite simply, you can tho back to life as you knew it. You can’t go back to the day before you knew that she was cheating. Life has changed and you need to adapt. That means, you need to stop begging your wife to give you another chance - you did nothing wrong!!

You need to do 180 and tell her that you will not accept this kind of treatment from your wife, the woman who is supposed to have your back more than anyone else. She doesn’t get to make the decision whether you stay together or not - you do. I’m sorry, this is going to sound blunt, but please have the self respect to decide that you will not be treated this poorly by your wife. I would begin to plan for divorce - see a lawyer, definitely don’t seek your home impulsively because she needs the money to pursue her other relationship. 

I’m sorry this happened, I understand that it’s hard… but, you don’t really want to stay with a woman who could do this to you. And, certainly not if she is unsure whether she wants her marriage or her affair. Find a counsellor and find a lawyer - you will need both. Find the courage to do what you need to do for yourself… and sadly, that isn’t staying in your marriage any more. 

Thank you Bailey 

I feared this might be the overwhelming response, even though I kind of knew this was where we were heading. 

I do think she's shown a serious lack of respect and to do it again the following week means she hasn't learned anything 

But why? Why does she say we can work on things and that he was a mistake? Why won't she let me go if that's what she wants? I want our lives to get back on track but I appreciate that might not be possible any more. But sitting in limbo with all of this "I need time and space to decide what I want" isn't healthy for me. It's been tearing me up, facing Christmas alone in an empty house, all of our plans and dreams taken away from me overnight (to be clear she's adamant she doesn't want this guy, just doesn't know if she wants me back, but her messages to him don't reflect that sentiment at all) 

Thanks again 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

She moved to her auntie's 6 weeks ago 

Adamant about selling the house, yes, but not about divorce 

Agree it's confusing. She seems to be fleeing the marriage and is already physically separated. She also seems to want to sell the house in preparation for divorce because obviously you two are not living together at the moment and certainly not looking for new places together. 

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

But why? Why does she say we can work on things and that he was a mistake? Why won't she let me go if that's what she wants?

I don’t know that she knows what she wants in this moment. This question is like asking an alcoholic - why do you drink? Or asking an individual in a deep depression - why don’t you take your medication? She doesn’t have a good answer for you right now. Now obviously, this is different than the two examples because those are diseases for which the individual must manage but does not control. This is a decision that she has made, but in this moment of crisis (discovery), she is likely just as confused and overwhelmed and trying to hedge her bets and keep her options open until she gets herself together and knows that she wants to do. Either that or she is simply manipulating you because it’s in her best interest to do so right now. 

The thing is - she has made the decision to disrespect you and your marriage. The consequence for that decision is not that you are going to wait patiently while she decides what she wants to do. The consequence here is not that you agree to sell the home so that she can establish herself in an apartment and continue to pursue her affair. You have got to get tough and take care of yourself - because, you can’t trust her to do that anymore. 
 

18 minutes ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

to be clear she's adamant she doesn't want this guy, just doesn't know if she wants me back, but her messages to him don't reflect that sentiment at all

She can’t make a decision about the future of her marriage while she is involved with another man. 

The best advice you could give her is to find an individual counsellor to help her figure out what she wants for her life - 

But, in the mean time, if she is unsure then you need to default to - it is done. We are separated. I can’t trust you. Because, as you say, the other option is too painful and frankly, unfair of her to ask. 
 

18 minutes ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

It's been tearing me up, facing Christmas alone in an empty house, all of our plans and dreams taken away from me overnight

You need to find support of you haven’t already. Talk to your family and friends. Make other plans for the holidays - stay with your family. It’s going to be hard but you will get through it. 

Edited November 29, 2023 by BaileyB

[Weezy1973]

The fact that so much of your self worth is tied to her is problematic and why your emotions are so overwhelming right now. You need to start living your life for you. If my wife cheated and said the kinds of lies to people your wife is doing, we would be divorced as quick as humanly possible with not even a second thought in my mind. 

You need to seek counseling to figure out why you feel your value is so tied to another person. It’s making you want her back so you can feel worthy of love again.  You certainly don’t want her back because she’s a good person / wife, because clearly through her actions she’s shown you she’s not. 

[JohnCheatedOn]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t know that she knows what she wants in this moment. This question is like asking an alcoholic - why do you drink? Or asking an individual in a deep depression - why don’t you take your medication? She doesn’t have a good answer for you right now. Now obviously, this is different than the two examples because those are diseases for which the individual must manage but does not control. This is a decision that she has made, but in this moment of crisis (discovery), she is likely just as confused and overwhelmed and trying to hedge her bets and keep her options open until she gets herself together and knows that she wants to do. Either that or she is simply manipulating you because it’s in her best interest to do so right now. 

The thing is - she has made the decision to disrespect you and your marriage. The consequence for that decision is not that you are going to wait patiently while she decides what she wants to do. The consequence here is not that you agree to sell the home so that she can establish herself in an apartment and continue to pursue her affair. You have got to get tough and take care of yourself - because, you can’t trust her to do that anymore. 
 

She can’t make a decision about the future of her marriage while she is involved with another man. 

The best advice you could give her is to find an individual counsellor to help her figure out what she wants for her life - 

But, in the mean time, if she is unsure then you need to default to - it is done. We are separated. I can’t trust you. Because, as you say, the other option is too painful and frankly, unfair of her to ask. 
 

You need to find support of you haven’t already. Talk to your family and friends. Make other plans for the holidays - stay with your family. It’s going to be hard but you will get through it. 

Thanks Bailey you seem to know a lot about these things. I've been trying to convince her to try counselling for years and she actually went to her first session last week. She has other problems to work through as well but I thought that was a great sign for us. Unfortunately she neglected to tell the counsellor about the cheating for fear of being judged, so I don't know if I can believe she'll use it in the right way going forwards. I've started counselling myself and I've opened up about everything. I don't have much available family or many friends but the people I do have are being very supportive. Thanks again for your feedback 

[JohnCheatedOn]

35 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

The fact that so much of your self worth is tied to her is problematic and why your emotions are so overwhelming right now. You need to start living your life for you. If my wife cheated and said the kinds of lies to people your wife is doing, we would be divorced as quick as humanly possible with not even a second thought in my mind. 

You need to seek counseling to figure out why you feel your value is so tied to another person. It’s making you want her back so you can feel worthy of love again.  You certainly don’t want her back because she’s a good person / wife, because clearly through her actions she’s shown you she’s not. 

Wow that's insightful. I do feel like a doormat. Like I don't respect myself for giving her a 2nd and 3rd chance. Like I still want to wait for her even though the inability to grieve is killing me. I've started counselling and since I found out about this other guy my sense of self worth has improved, it just wasn't great to begin with so I still have a lot of work to do with building my confidence back. I believe I'm a good person even though I've been blamed for the breakdown of our marriage (she still says this guy isn't why she left). I just haven't ever been or lived alone and it's so hard to take right now. But I understand what you're saying about my self worth being tied to others and I appreciate your feedback very much 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

Unfortunately she neglected to tell the counsellor about the cheating for fear of being judged, so I don't know if I can believe she'll use it in the right way going forwards.

I think that says that she is not ready to acknowledge or accept accountability for her behavior. And, you can’t really plan to reconcile or trust a person when they are not ready to deal with the real issues. 

This, to me, would be another reason to file for divorce. This is a huge red flag that she is still hiding, manipulating, lying, etc… Maybe with time and trust, she will open up to the counsellor but until she does, counselling is not going to do what it needs to do. Sure, she has other things that she has been dealing with that may have lead to her decision to cheat. But how helpful can the counsellor be when she lies by omission and fails to mention the biggest and most pressing issue at this time. 

She is clearly not in a place where she can be a healthy partner for anyone right now. And you should trust and plan accordingly… She has a LONG way to go until she should be trusted as one would trust a spouse and life partner again…

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

I believe I'm a good person even though I've been blamed for the breakdown of our marriage (she still says this guy isn't why she left).

No, he just happened to conveniently be in the right place at the right time.

I’m being sarcastic because the truth is, and this is what you should say to her next time she tries to blame shift for her decision to cheat - if she was unhappy in her marriage, she has the right to ask you to work with her to fix it, or to divorce. She did not have the right to cheat. That is a hurtful, selfish decision that she made - and now you are left to deal with the consequences of that decision. And, how I would deal with it is to file for divorce. It doesn’t mean that you have to divorce… but, it may snap her out of this place that she is in where she feels like she doesn’t have to be accountable for her behavior and she gets to avoid any consequence. It gives you back your dignity and it shifts the power to you… That should be a wake up call for her indeed. 

[MsJayne]

Most important issue - your financial security. No, she can't manipulate you into selling your property so she can then dump you like a hot coal and run off with the cash. She's stringing you along because that's how she's planning to get what she wants out of a divorce settlement.  She's even willing to keep going on dates and sleeping over with you in a bid to convince you that she's actually considering staying together. I agree with others, draw the battle lines and put a rocket up her rear. If she was that unhappy that she has to go bagging you to anyone who'll listen she should have left a long time ago, instead of plonking some dude from the office in a cheesy cliche. Go for the jugular. 

[Mrin]

First off, I'm sorry you're going through this. I really am.

Second, honestly her behavior kind of feels like "suicide by cop" to me. It is like she wants to end it but can't bring herself to do it for one reason or another. So she instead self sabotages the marriage in the hopes you will end it. Which you should. I see no reason to try to mend this. You can't heal this sort of trauma unless the other person is 110% "in". She's 50% at best. Thankfully you don't have kids. I'd move forward with the divorce. 

Mrin

Edited November 30, 2023 by Mrin

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

My wife of 1.5 years (together for 9 years) left me 6 weeks ago. She stopped drinking 3 weeks before that. She's lost weight recently and looks amazing. When she left I was shocked. 

Even though there's still some communication and back and forth. This was the first sign that she's planning on leaving the marriage.

It seems she was unhappy with herself, but more so the relationship and decided to plan her exit, including straighten out her life and health. 

Having an affair is clearly not the answer, however she's been thinking about leaving for a long time and if you reflect on this you'll see there were many signs.

You claim she doesn't want a divorce, but why did she move out and now wants to sell the house. There seems to be a lot missing from the story, but it's doubtful downloading her Whatsapp conversations with her lover will provide you with answers. 

[JohnCheatedOn]

18 hours ago, BaileyB said:

No, he just happened to conveniently be in the right place at the right time.

I’m being sarcastic because the truth is, and this is what you should say to her next time she tries to blame shift for her decision to cheat - if she was unhappy in her marriage, she has the right to ask you to work with her to fix it, or to divorce. She did not have the right to cheat. That is a hurtful, selfish decision that she made - and now you are left to deal with the consequences of that decision. And, how I would deal with it is to file for divorce. It doesn’t mean that you have to divorce… but, it may snap her out of this place that she is in where she feels like she doesn’t have to be accountable for her behavior and she gets to avoid any consequence. It gives you back your dignity and it shifts the power to you… That should be a wake up call for her indeed. 

This is some good advice and I do feel that letting her go in my head at least will help me start to process everything properly. The last few weeks have made me ill. The hope of reconciling has kept me going but it's hindered me from healing. I felt that the only way I would recover was if we ended up back together, working on our marriage and our lives again. But she's repeatedly broken my heart in that time and I don't even know how it would look now if we were able to try again. Last night, after reading your helpful advice, I felt a little better, more hopeful that I can be alright on my own, understanding just what she's done to me and our relationship. Unfortunately she messaged me to say she misses me and again to say she loves me. The mixed messages are back and have caused me to revert a little back to my anxious state, worried about my future. I know I should cut off communication about our relationship now and only discuss things we have no choice but to sort out, but it also felt really nice to hear her say she misses me and loves me 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

Unfortunately she messaged me to say she misses me and again to say she loves me. I know I should cut off communication about our relationship now and only discuss things we have no choice but to sort out, but it also felt really nice to hear her say she misses me and loves me 

It’s not a mixed message. She has sent a very clear message by her actions - she does not respect you or your marriage. Don’t let her words confuse you or convince you for one moment that this is not the case. A woman of integrity who loves and respects a man doesn’t behave the way that she has behaved. 

While the words feel nice to hear, you can’t trust them. She has done this before - and words without actions mean nothing. You took her back once only to be burned again, I would suggest that you not make that same mistake again. 

Even when she reaches out, it is for her own benefit. It feels good to you, because her words give you the validation that you long to hear… but, she’s not sending that message for your benefit. She was unhappy, she had an affair. She doesn’t want the marriage, she left. She needs the money, she wants you to sell the home. She has time alone in the evening and she is feeling lonely and unhappy, so she sends you a message. She is self soothing, that’s all. 

If she really cared for you and if her message was about you, she would send an apology. She would apologize for the infidelity. She would apologize for the fact that she didn’t talk to you when she was unhappy. She would apologize for the pain she caused and for blaming you when it was really all about her own feelings and decisions. She would be offering to do whatever it takes to get her marriage back. She would be honest with her counsellor and taking it more seriously. She would be offering to get another job and end this affair. Those words are a little harder for her to say…

The words she chose to send are easy to say. They may reflect how she is feeling in this moment but don’t confuse them for actual remorse, accountability, or commitment. 

Edited November 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

she messaged me to say she misses me and again to say she loves me.

The only reason she is doing this is in case her new boyfriend dumps her and she needs a soft place to land, man. 

[JohnCheatedOn]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The only reason she is doing this is in case her new boyfriend dumps her and she needs a soft place to land, man. 

I think you're right, she says she's stopped talking to him, but I don't know what to believe any more 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, JohnCheatedOn said:

I think you're right, she says she's stopped talking to him, but I don't know what to believe any more 

You would be foolish to believe her. 

She is still seeing how things go with him. I guarantee it. 

[glows]

She’s not hanging onto you. She left you emotionally and physically. You’re not together anymore. She told you the marriage wasn’t working. She’s still working and chatting up the Other Man. That is definitively Goodbye. 

You’re in severe denial and keep telling yourself you think you can make her happy. She already chose not to be happy with you. She went away, gone, not here anymore. Please wake up - don’t keep telling yourself illusions and prolonging facing this reality. I say this in the most humane and kind way. Please shake yourself out of this denial. Speak to a lawyer and do figure out your finances. You think you’re ok but are you? After hearing you keep telling yourself she’s hanging on I’m concerned about everything else about you including your finances and whether you really are ok. Have a sit down with yourself and make a list of things you have to address such talking with a lawyer, tying up any loose ends, how are the dogs? Are they still being walked and fed? 

And please turn to your own friends and family(forget about trying to get on the good side of hers). See if you’d be interested in counselling, please get grounded and come back to reality. Losing your job and living alone I’m assuming means you’re isolated if not for friends, family etc. Youre at high risk for depression and mental health issues spiralling, feeling lost and helpless. Take care of yourself.

[BreakOnThrough]

No kids, move and NEVER look back, she's disrespected you in so many ways.  Find someone else and move on.