ZA Dater Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 I do not have many friends, there are lots of particularly boring reasons for this so I will spare you. Basically I am celebrating what some term to be a milestone birthday next year and one of the few friends I have wants to make fuss and throw me a party. What most people do not know is I dislike my birthday, primarily because both my 18th and 21st were ruined in what some would say were tragic circumstances, both involving a sibling. Since then each birthday I recall those unpleasant memories. Then there is my deep seated belief to only celebrate accomplishments and when I look at myself there is honestly not much to celebrate, I prefer to simply spend my birthdays with immediate family with very low key celebrating. Of course he wants to throw some party and invite people I hardly know for the purposes of probably making the party more about him than me. How do I dissuade him from this idea, bear in mind I have known him for 22 years and he does not even know when my birthday is! Or do I just roll with it and see how awkward it will be? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 It's your birthday. Tell him that it is so sweet of him to offer but you don't like parties & you would rather something more simple but meaningful. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 I would say if you're not comfortable with a party then have your own thing with him or with one or 2 others maybe. Weird that he doesn't know when your birthday is tho! Try to be a little appreciative because it could be out of good intentions (hopefully). My friends threw me a milestone surprise party. Now, I remember it well, the trouble they went to to put it together, it was a lot of fun but I wouldn't want that now. Albeit, a couple of us traveled to Key West this past summer for my birthday, but that was sort of a mutual thing but whether it happened that weekend or another weekend made no difference, if that makes sense. Tell him you're at a different phase in life and that a cheese plate might simply, really, be all you need this year...no balloons! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 (edited) 15 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: one of the friends wants to throw me a party. , I prefer to simply spend my birthdays with immediate family. It's fine to tell your friend you're not into parties and will be spending it with family. Edited November 30, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 Lets just say he generally does not like "no" but yes all very valid points. I will try broach the submit with some degree of tact. I do think if I were in a different place life wise I might enjoy a party and I guess as nice as it is to sometimes be made of fuss of, its rather meaningless if its strangers! Plus he knows I do not got parties, the only party I go to annual is ironically his birthday party which is full of once again people he hardly knows but its also full of glamor but I go because he is my friend and if I did not go it would be very noticeable. On the other hand I might look at a party if I could have some degree of control of the format an importantly the attendees but this seems like a lot of work! Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 Is it possible that this person is just hot air trying to hype you up and their way of showing interest and enthusiasm in your life as opposed to actually throwing a party. Reading between the lines here as realistically there doesn’t sound like there will be one since he doesn’t even know your birthdate according to you. He’s just trying to connect with you in his own disconnected way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GawainNotWayne Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 How would this person react if you told him didn't want a party? Has this person reacted badly to you or anyone else not giving them their own way before? The answers to these questions could give you pointers on how to deal with this. I suspect you're finding it difficult to be completely honest. Perhaps you could agree a date with this person, then confer with your immediate family confidentially about the issue and get them to arrange something on that day which they have to pay for, then you could say, "Oh, sorry, this has happened, I didn't know they were going to do that, looks like I can't come." Get cunning, make it look like your non-attendance isn't your fault. Finally, I realise it's difficult to separate from someone you've known for twenty-two years, but I'd be questioning how good a friend someone is who you've known for that long yet they don't know when your birthday is. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 Is this going to turn into a negative or a positive? If you're not into parties, then it's likely going to be a negative experience for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 1 hour ago, ZA Dater said: Plus he knows I do not got parties, It doesn't really seem like much of a dilemma if he is already aware of this. Just let him know you prefer a quiet celebration with family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 1 hour ago, glows said: Is it possible that this person is just hot air trying to hype you up and their way of showing interest and enthusiasm in your life as opposed to actually throwing a party. Reading between the lines here as realistically there doesn’t sound like there will be one since he doesn’t even know your birthdate according to you. He’s just trying to connect with you in his own disconnected way. He can very easily find out when it is, I think you are spot on with everything else though, he is quite self absorbed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 51 minutes ago, GawainNotWayne said: How would this person react if you told him didn't want a party? Has this person reacted badly to you or anyone else not giving them their own way before? The answers to these questions could give you pointers on how to deal with this. I suspect you're finding it difficult to be completely honest. Perhaps you could agree a date with this person, then confer with your immediate family confidentially about the issue and get them to arrange something on that day which they have to pay for, then you could say, "Oh, sorry, this has happened, I didn't know they were going to do that, looks like I can't come." Get cunning, make it look like your non-attendance isn't your fault. Finally, I realise it's difficult to separate from someone you've known for twenty-two years, but I'd be questioning how good a friend someone is who you've known for that long yet they don't know when your birthday is. Frequently reacts badly when he does not get his own way, hence the dilemma. As for not wanting one, he has already told me I am having one. Look I think the basic concept is well meaning but the execution is not so great. His heart is on the right place but often his advice is not good so I have learnt as a sounding board he is not great. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 5 hours ago, ZA Dater said: He can very easily find out when it is, I think you are spot on with everything else though, he is quite self absorbed. If you’re very against the idea honesty is always best. There’s no point in faking interest in a party especially around self absorbed individuals you’ve known for 22 years. It’s likely you’ll just have to be thick skinned and firm in saying no thanks you have other plans. Keep it very simple and very short. If he asks what plans just say they’re in the works. He doesn’t need to know. Can it and change the topic. Most people will take the hint. Beyond that when someone keeps pressuring you and doesn’t respect your choices it’s time to distance yourself. On the other hand, I’d soften the blow with a counteroffer and ask him if he wants to go skiing or bowling or anything you two usually do together if and ONLY IF you like hanging out with this guy. If you don’t even hang out then move on with the conversation to something else. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 I'm concerned about the pattern I've noticed in your discussions. It seems like there's a tendency to focus extensively on personal experiences, sometimes disregarding the advice provided by others. The shift from someone wanting to arrange a birthday party for you to a perception of that person becoming self-absorbed is puzzling. Perhaps a direct but considerate approach would be helpful? You can express gratitude for the offer while kindly sharing your perspective on celebrating birthdays and politely declining the invitation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 7 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Frequently reacts badly when he does not get his own way, hence the dilemma. As for not wanting one, he has already told me I am having one. What on earth? If the idea of this party makes you uncomfortable then you TELL him, "thank you for the offer but I do not want a party for my birthday. I'll be celebrating it with close family." Why are you acting like you need to walk on eggshells and think of the perfect way to "dissuade" him from this idea without him blowing up and reacting badly? Find your backbone, be direct and let him know you do not want this party for your birthday, and if he throws a tantrum over it then you seriously need to put him in his place and rethink this friendship and the type of people you are allowing in your life. You shouldn't be accommodating his controlling behavior. This is ridiculous. Are you always this passive and afraid to stand up for yourself around your friends? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 8 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Frequently reacts badly when he does not get his own way, hence the dilemma. As for not wanting one, he has already told me I am having one. Do you feel like a victim because a friend wants to throw you a party? You don't have to go if you don't want to. A simple diplomatic decline is fine. It doesn't seem like he's bullying you. If he doesn't acknowledge your birthday he's the bad guy and if he tries, he's the bad guy? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go along with things even if you dont particularly want to do something that is the type of comment that will not go down well with a group of independent thinkers- but its ok if a person is well settled and confident in themselves- its ok then always doing your own thing and always being comfortable saying No, from a stance where a person does not have a huge circle of friends, is also looking for a lady, sometimes you just have to go with the flow for the sake of one evening, you never know who you might meet, also you will have this guy on your side again- he might open doors for you in the future, its all well and good saying No and being independent- but when your a little lonely and your not as well established in life as the people giving that advice, I would say dont close the door on these type of offers- keep an open mind. dont be expecting life changing moments, but go in with the intention that you might even enjoy it or some of it! Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 6 minutes ago, Foxhall said: Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go along with things even if you dont particularly want to do something that is the type of comment that will not go down well with a group of independent thinkers- but its ok if a person is well settled and confident in themselves- its ok then always doing your own thing and always being comfortable saying No, from a stance where a person does not have a huge circle of friends, is also looking for a lady, sometimes you just have to go with the flow for the sake of one evening, you never know who you might meet, also you will have this guy on your side again- he might open doors for you in the future, its all well and good saying No and being independent- but when your a little lonely and your not as well established in life as the people giving that advice, I would say dont close the door on these type of offers- keep an open mind. dont be expecting life changing moments, but go in with the intention that you might even enjoy it or some of it! Beautiful advice. OP I think this is just another reason for you to find the negative in a positive situation... just go out and have some fun, who cares if its not your ideal way of spending a night, just try not to judge the way other people have fun, you're increasing your chances of having fun and broadening your boundaries. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 29 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: . just go out and have some fun, I'm afraid that "go out and have some fun," to the OP, sounds like "go out and eat garbage out of a dumpster" to most of us. OP proudly hates "fun." Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 On 11/30/2023 at 7:18 AM, ZA Dater said: How do I dissuade him from this idea, bear in mind I have known him for 22 years and he does not even know when my birthday is! How is it possible that you’ve known this person for 22 years and you call him “friend,” but he doesn’t know the date of your birthday? That’s bizarre. I think you dissuade him by telling him that you would prefer to have dinner with a few close friends/family (your decision) than have a big party. If he is truly your friend, he will respect your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 OP, if you associate your birthday with family tragedy, then please don't "grin and bear it" to make your friend happy. You are perfectly justified in not wanting to celebrate it or to go to parties. I have no idea how you will deal with this friend of yours. I seem to remember you mentioning him in previous threads. You could tell him that your birthday has tragic associations for you, so you don't celebrate it. If he can't honor your preferences, make a point of not being around when the date rolls around so he can't force a surprise party on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted December 1, 2023 Author Share Posted December 1, 2023 Thanks for the advice, almost all of it was incredibly valuable and I am going to incorporate it into how I deal with this. Its often a good idea to get a new fresh perspective from people because it can add a lot to how a situation is dealt with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted December 1, 2023 Author Share Posted December 1, 2023 3 hours ago, Foxhall said: Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go along with things even if you dont particularly want to do something that is the type of comment that will not go down well with a group of independent thinkers- but its ok if a person is well settled and confident in themselves- its ok then always doing your own thing and always being comfortable saying No, from a stance where a person does not have a huge circle of friends, is also looking for a lady, sometimes you just have to go with the flow for the sake of one evening, you never know who you might meet, also you will have this guy on your side again- he might open doors for you in the future, its all well and good saying No and being independent- but when your a little lonely and your not as well established in life as the people giving that advice, I would say dont close the door on these type of offers- keep an open mind. dont be expecting life changing moments, but go in with the intention that you might even enjoy it or some of it! This is quite an interesting thought. I prefer to be in the background and never the center of attention which would be quite difficult in this scenario. I may go along with it but I would want an idea as to who is being invited, I think that is reasonable or at the very least have some say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 (edited) Maybe your friend thought that celebrating your birthday would lift your spirits. After all friends are often exposed to all manner of information about ourselves that we don't particularly want to share. Don't punish your friend for not knowing. If he doesn't know when your exact birthday is, how would he know when to throw a party for you? Next time you talk to him and he brings it up, tell him that you don't like celebrating your birthday the way he wants to. In that way you will exceed expectations. I mean, the way you write about him, it looks like he wants to celebrate a ''milestone'' with you not to celebrate his birthday if he's celebrating your milestones. Punishing him isn't going to help the situation, staying silent won't do any good. Edited December 1, 2023 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted December 3, 2023 Author Share Posted December 3, 2023 On 12/1/2023 at 10:59 PM, Alpacalia said: Maybe your friend thought that celebrating your birthday would lift your spirits. After all friends are often exposed to all manner of information about ourselves that we don't particularly want to share. Don't punish your friend for not knowing. If he doesn't know when your exact birthday is, how would he know when to throw a party for you? Next time you talk to him and he brings it up, tell him that you don't like celebrating your birthday the way he wants to. In that way you will exceed expectations. I mean, the way you write about him, it looks like he wants to celebrate a ''milestone'' with you not to celebrate his birthday if he's celebrating your milestones. Punishing him isn't going to help the situation, staying silent won't do any good. Maybe, except I have shared this info in the past. I have thought about another way to approach this is, explain the sort of celebration I like and then simply invite him to be part of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted December 3, 2023 Share Posted December 3, 2023 4 hours ago, ZA Dater said: I have thought about another way to approach this is, explain the sort of celebration I like and then simply invite him to be part of that. That sounds like a great idea ZA. I'm glad you figured it out and hopefully it'll be a lovely birthday for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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