Sticky Situation Involving Inappropriate Friend

[GawainNotWayne]

Hello all.  I've fallen out with a group of people over misunderstandings and miscommunications that started, I believe, over lockdown.  It's a long story.  Over summer this year, I tried to build bridges but it went wrong.  One of that crowd has a little brother who has latched himself onto my older friend group as, quite rightly, he wants to escape his big brother's shadow.  Little brother is eccentric.  He can come over as sweet and innocent but never lets people get a word in during phone calls and talks for an hour non-stop about his problems, and is the same on evenings out.  He seems to be traumatised by things that happened when he was six (he's nearly forty), and is obsessed by a girl who works in a shop near to him in an unhealthy way that creeps people out.  Awareness of all these negative things has crept up on us all over the years, and up until recently, he's just been seen as the type of person who you'd play pranks on at work, who in a factory you'd ask to go and get the tartan paint - sweet, innocent, gullible and vulnerable.  He doesn't display his eccentricities in front of his brother and his friends, he's almost silent when they're around.  He just displays his odd side with me and my old friends.  His memory over certain things amazes and confuses people, for example, "Can you shut the caravan door please?", "Oh, OK, it's fourteen years ago today since I last locked a caravan door."  His brain is definitely wired differently to a lot of other people's.

I was honest with him about what happened with his big brother and his friends, and he felt in an awkward situation when my bridge-building attempt of earlier in the year failed, which was partly my fault due to my anger and sarcasm at two of that group.  He begged me not to try and build bridges again.  He's made an effort to remain friends with me, which I do appreciate, but he can't stop me from saying what I need to say and using December birthdays and Christmas to have a last ditch attempt at patching things up.  Life's too short for fallings-out.  I've told him I'm going to try anyway, and he says, it's fine, just keep his name out of it.  Fair enough.  I'm posting the cards, which contain heartfelt letters, on Saturday morning so there are no repercussions for little brother before or during my visit to him along with some old friends on Saturday afternoon, which would be awkward, but I have to post one of the cards today to catch an early December birthday, but that person never gets the cards until late December after Christmas anyway - I just like knowing that at least they're there on time.

My problem is with my visit to little brother along with my old friends on Saturday.  I'm finding myself not wanting to go.  Little brother asks me very inappropriate questions.  He has asked me about my sex life with my ex-girlfriend, which I refused to answer, then when I visited again months later, he told me off for not answering and asked me again.  My old friend's wife always comes out of the house at the end of the visit feeling creeped out.  In the past, little brother has asked someone else in public about his girlfriend's breasts and spoken about "dripping on the carpet" of his ex-girlfriend's bedroom, also in public.  When alone with him (which I've learned to avoid now), he has lay down on the floor doing pelvic thrusts asking me intimate questions about when I lost my virginity.  I've also heard that he complained behind my back about me not going to celebrate his birthday with him when someone else had already booked a weekend away and I was also going along with others to see a play I wrote, neither of which I would sacrifice for his birthday - but what annoyed me was the weekend before his birthday we all went round to his house with cakes and presents and sang 'Happy Birthday' on his doorstep, and I'd had to pay a considerable amount of taxi money to get there as my second bus had been diverted due to roadworks, which he knew.

All this can be coped with by having a buffer of lots of other people, which I will have on Saturday if I go.  My major issue is to do with the fact that ever since I was honest with him about falling out with his brother, etc., he's mentioned more than ten times over the phone that I defended him like he was the best thing in the world when he disapproved of his girlfriend six years ago.   This has always been over the phone and I haven't been able to get a word in edgeways to defend myself, but a couple of days back, he sent me a long e-mail on the subject and it's just annoyed me.  I haven't replied to it.  I so want to reply, "Well, he was right, wasn't he?  She did leave you saying she only wanted a baby and not you."  However, if I address this, even without anger or sarcasm, it could affect me seeing my old friends and exchanging presents before Christmas, and it could really scupper my bridge-building attempts with big brother and the rest.  I really wish I hadn't introduced little brother to my old friends!

Big brother etc. - I know how to deal with them, hence I haven't posted about that.

Little brother - I'm not sure about him.  What are people's thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, GawainNotWayne said:

Big brother etc. - I know how to deal with them, hence I haven't posted about that. Little brother - I'm not sure about him.  What are people's thoughts?

Unfortunately since this 40 year old "little brother" creeps you out with inappropriateness, it would be best to avoid him.

If that means distancing yourself from his older brother or this group a bit, that may be what you have to do.

It's probably not possible to change or fix him if he has psychiatric or neurological issues. Even if he's just being creepy, distance yourself.

[d0nnivain]

Little brother sounds off his rocker.  Don't skip out on events with friends you enjoy but do your very best to avoid him.   If you don't take the bait, he may stop.  I'd block him.  Assuming the gathering is big enough, if he walks into a room, you walk out.  Sit on opposite sides of the table & do your best to ignore him.  Apologize to your friends for anything awful he does & mention that you regret the introduction because at the time you never knew he was this bad.  

[glows]

I would archive the current email and block the email contact. Im not clear on what seems like very long phone conversations where you can’t get a word in edgewise. I’m assuming these are phone calls but it’s unusual for people to be having long phone calls these days and for what reason? I can understand close friends yakking for hours but this guy with issues? Why? Are you checking up on him or is he calling to pester you? Can you explain this? 

I’d just focus on your friends and if you want to be with them then enjoy your time with them. Pay less attention to this person.