Need some input

[Nessavan]

How

[Nessavan]

How would you feel if your boyfriend told you that he didn't know if he was going to stay with you or not but he will try and that's the best he can do? We're trying to get a place together and he's been having money trouble caused by his family which is holding it back. He is unhappy with the relationship because we can't have sex all the time but he says he loves me otherwise and I'm an amazing, supportive girlfriend but that love isn't enough. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic or something but I've been here for years waiting for him to get himself together and supporting him with his issues and now that he has a good job and everything and is starting to save he doesn't think he can hold out for a few more months. I've been saving on my end for a while and wanting all of the parts of a relationship that we've been missing but I've been staying hopeful and getting through because I love him. I understand his frustration because he says the men I his family have genes that make him need to be physical all the time. They were all players but he's controlling himself so that he doesn't cheat on me and he's holding out for me because he wants the relationship to work but he doesn't know how long he can wait. He is unhappy with me even though he keeps telling me it's not my fault but it feels like it's my fault because it feels like I'm being punished. He isn't as nice to me anymore, he isn't romantic, he doesn't do anything for me that he used to do, he is barely excited to see me once a week, he texts less frequently, he never says anything nice about me. He says he wants physical stuff all the time but he doesn't involve me in any talk about it and when I mention it he says he wants physical not talking about it but he's doing stuff anyway with porn instead of me. I asked him how waiting months to find a new person and get into another relationship is any different than waiting months for living with me (because he says he doesn't have casual sex) and he says lack of sex is causing damage to our relationship even though it's not my fault. I plan everything, pay for at least half of everything we do and am always available to him. It sucks that it's out of my control that he is in debt due to his family and bad choices in the past and that even the few days a month we see each other work or his family keep him from seeing me. He keeps asking if I'm sure I want to stay because he says he told me everything so if he leaves or cheats I won't be surprised, he knows I'll leave but I can't be surprised. I feel heartbroken and I know he has a valid reason for being upset but I just feel like it sucks for two people who love each other to throw the whole relationship away after years instead of waiting 6 more months but maybe I'm wrong. He also said that he is staying with me by choice that he is very capable of going out and finding someone else quickly because he has charm and charisma and he has no trouble meeting people and that he can find someone with qualities like mine. It hurt my feelings a little because of course I wouldn't want him to be alone but it just sounded like he was being insensitive and bragging how he'd be fine and I'm not that valuable. Then he said that he wasn't saying that I'm replaceable. He's also concerned that I won't be able to have sex with him every single time when we live together like if he wants to do something and it's already been 4 times a day and I'm tired he would think I'm making excuses to withhold it from him. I asked what if I'm sick, etc and he said that's fine but sounded annoyed.

[d0nnivain]

I would be annoyed & I would NEVER buy a house with somebody like that.  He sounds like a jerk, frankly. 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Nessavan said:

I've been here for years waiting for him to get himself together He says he wants physical stuff all the time but he doesn't involve me in any talk 

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Do you both live with parents? Please don't buy anything with him or move in together. He's already quite disrespected and checked out. He seems to just want a blowup doll and someone to defray housing costs. 

[Alpacalia]

Are....

[glows]

I don’t think he’s in love with you. Sorry to say that. There may be a porn problem also in there. I don’t know how dumb someone has to be to bring genetics into threats of cheating or use it to normalize cheating but can you just stop a second and think about it. If you’re going to live with this man do you intend on having children with him? Would you want your kids to be around someone with a long history of generations of cheaters or have a father from a long line of “genetics” that normalizes treating their mother like crap? Please think. 

It’s a blessing you’re not moving in with him soon. This is that narrow window handed to you by the universe and a small window of escape and never looking back. Are you going to bury yourself in this self made grave or slip out that tiny crack to freedom? You choose.

Edited November 26, 2023 by glows

[basil67]

Yep, he's a jerk.  

2 hours ago, Nessavan said:

He is unhappy with me even though he keeps telling me it's not my fault but it feels like it's my fault because it feels like I'm being punished. He isn't as nice to me anymore, he isn't romantic, he doesn't do anything for me that he used to do, he is barely excited to see me once a week, he texts less frequently, he never says anything nice about me. He says he wants physical stuff all the time but he doesn't involve me in any talk about it and when I mention it he says he wants physical not talking about it but he's doing stuff anyway with porn instead of me. I asked him how waiting months to find a new person and get into another relationship is any different than waiting months for living with me (because he says he doesn't have casual sex) and he says lack of sex is causing damage to our relationship even though it's not my fault.

Please read this again.  And then have a think about why you love him.

How many years have you wasted on this jerk?

 

[Alpacalia]

I would tell him to go for it, have sex with another woman, just make sure she's disease-free. . . Don't be surprised if he uses his issues with not being able to have sex for his infidelity. This guy is a gas lighter and you write like you are complaining you are not happy with him - but it feels like you are trying to convince yourself to stay unhappy with him.

Let him go so he can have the free for all sex with disease-free women he wants. You can have a central role but you'll fit into his polygamy household and decorating the house seems exactly like the role you'll need to play with this guy for your relationship to continue.

Edited November 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

Why aren't you able to have sex?  Is this a long distance relationship?

[regine_phalange]

Oh, what a good guy - he's sacrificing his own needs and happiness to do you the favour of staying in the relationship? How selfless of him. I'm sure that if you move in together you will end up cleaning after him all day long, and working hard to cover for him because he will mismanage his own money... Perhaps his family will be visiting for long weekends, and sleeping on the sofa (or will you have to give up your bed for them?). I won't even mention the physical gene that needs expression. Then if you complain, he will say that you were the one insisting to live together and that he did you a favour...

...You deserve so much better than this

[stillafool]

What are you waiting for in order to have sex?  Marriage?  Is there a wedding date?  It sounds like he's falling out of love with you.

[Nessavan]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What are you waiting for in order to have sex?  Marriage?  Is there a wedding date?  It sounds like he's falling out of love with you.

We are in a semi long distance relationship so we see each other once a week but are working towards living together. We do physical things when we can.

[NuevoYorko]

Please let this one go.  You mention "hope" several times in your OP.   Hope is not going to fix this.  He does not want what you want, he is not committed, and you are grasping at straws.

When you and a guy are on the same page about your relationship and have the same ideas about how it's going and how to move forward - that is what you need to have a relationship that will work and see both of you through the challenges of life together.

"Hope" and the feeling of love are not going to give you that.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Nessavan said:

We are in a semi long distance relationship so we see each other once a week but are working towards living together. We do physical things when we can.

So because you're in a long distance relationship you can't have sex when you see each other?  Are you engaged?  Doesn't seem like you're even in a relationship much less sex.

[Nessavan]

17 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So because you're in a long distance relationship you can't have sex when you see each other?  Are you engaged?  Doesn't seem like you're even in a relationship much less sex.

We do have sex when we see each other, he says it isn't enough and that he's controlling his urges so that he stays monogamous to me. 

[Gaeta]

So you have sex every weekend but it's not enough for him and he's doing you a favor by still remaining in this relationship? and he's so awesome he could find someone else just like that! Wow! He's full of himself isn't he!

I say let him go find someone else. 

I know you feel you have invested time in this man and that's why you don't want to let him go but he's a royal jerk! He's not the man you fell in love with and he will never be again. It's time you let this one go. Do not date men that are at the bottom of the barrel. They will hang on to you and then discard you when they're back on their feet. 

How I would feel? I would be offended by his words and behavior and I would breakup with him. There is noway I would keep a man like that in my life. 

 

[Acacia98]

OP, you can do so much better than this. If the person you're with is not as enthusiastic about the relationship as you are, if he cannot treat you with the same kindness, consideration, and respect you show him, then it's time to let him go. You should not try to convince him that your relationship is worth the effort. You should not beg him to stay. That is so humiliating, and he honestly doesn't even sound like a great catch with his debt, apparent porn issues, and apparent enmeshment with his family.

Tell him he is absolutely right: you've thought long and hard about it and you realize the two of you are incompatible; trying to force things to work will just make the two of you miserable. Then tell him byebye, wish him well and block him everywhere.

[flitzanu]

On 11/26/2023 at 4:18 PM, Nessavan said:

How would you feel if your boyfriend told you that he didn't know if he was going to stay with you or not but he will try and that's the best he can do? 

that was all you needed to say, and i'd say that i would leave, because none of this suggests he loves you or wants to actually be with you.

[Alpacalia]

21 hours ago, Nessavan said:

We do have sex when we see each other, he says it isn't enough and that he's controlling his urges so that he stays monogamous to me. 

Please stop letting this person treat you this way. It is not a burden for him to be faithful to you, it is a basic expectation in any committed relationship. He is twisting the narrative to make you feel like you are not meeting his needs, when in reality, he is the one not meeting your needs and manipulating you into feeling guilty about it.

Set yourselves free.

[basil67]

On 11/27/2023 at 9:18 AM, Nessavan said:

he says the men I his family have genes that make him need to be physical all the time.

At best, this sounds so very entitled.  At worst, it sounds rapey.....like he's the kind of guy who would pressure you into sex when you're not in the mood because "I need to be physical all the time".  Fact is lots of people are pretty horny, but they simply control themselves and get on with life.  They don't behave as a martyr who's doing their partner a favour by not cheating.

I suspect that when you do move in together, he will be expecting sex when you're tired, sick, have been up half the night with a baby or sick child, or otherwise just aren't in the mood.  And given how lazy he is about making things happen for the relationship and meeting your needs of having a loving partner, I predict your sex drive will tank after a year of living together.

Lastly, I highly doubt that there is gene pool which make specific men of a family want sex all the time.  But I do know how families can normalise unacceptable behaviour and say "it's just how we are".   We demand sex.  And when we don't get it as much as we want, we cheat or coerce our partner into it.  You really don't want to have a family with this guy because heaven knows what he will teach your sons.

Edited November 30, 2023 by basil67

[Nessavan]

So my bf has always wanted to live together and says the distance is straining our relationship and is what's making him unhappy in the relationship but that he's happy with me. He used to talk about it all the time and tell me he wanted to provide a place for me and was excited about it and hopeful even when it was a little early for me. Now after 3 years he's mentioning how everything is a risk and how we don't even know if we will like living with each other. He says he wants to get the apartment and have me stay over then slowly move in because right now I don't know if I'll be able to deal with his living habits, etc. I said how it just sounded negative and like he already thinks it won't work and he said no, it's wisdom. Am I crazy or does it sound like he just is trying to scare me away at this point? I've mentioned leaving numerous times because this kind of stuff keeps happening and he's very different towards me but he swears he loves me and wants to be with me. He keeps telling me things that are concerning that he never mentioned before. He kind of just has the attitude of "take me or leave me" sometimes. When I talk about the relationship he keeps saying nothing in life is guaranteed and that he's trying. He used to always be sure we'd be together and was borderline obsessed with me. His tone isn't even convincing when he answers things I ask about us. When he was complaining about how hard it is financially to save for an apartment and furniture and everything I reminded him that I'm saving money too and he said he wants me to save for myself not to help with us living together. He said he wants to get the apartment and the lease on his own. It just seems like he doesn't want it to be easier and he wants it to take longer so he has a reason to leave because he says he is unhappy because of the circumstances. I feel like he doesn't care if he loses me and I'm over here grasping on to him for dear life. I'm so confused and sick.

[stillafool]

There is nothing to be confused about when he is showing you how he feels and what he doesn't want.  Yes it sounds like he's back tracking on you guys moving in together.  Maybe he wants to be a single man with an apartment, living a single mans life.  If you guys argue a lot he probably doesn't want to move in with you.  If I were you I would make plans to get my own apartment and furniture and let him have his.  If you've never lived alone it will be good for you.

[Alpacalia]

Is this the man that keeps holding over your head if your sex life doesn't improve he's going to be unfaithful?

Your bf does not sound like he is ready to live together and you shouldn't be living together. You're still so young! This should be a time where you both focus on building yourselves as individuals and it's good that you have different experiences with your own lifestyles before committing to living together.

This will pass. I'm not here for the advice but for the validation that you have nothing to fear. In time, it will make sense to move in together and build on a solid foundation rather than rush it and ruin everything.

There's a lot going on in your relationship cumulatively, that's the thing. He's telling you right now that things are a risk and that he's not convinced that what you have is something that he can count on, because you are living in different cities and haven't yet had so many of those different experiences with one another that you need to have before making this decision.

I'll be the first to admit - I don't know what to think about this dude. The sex life threat was disturbingly cruel and the fact that he seemed too comfortable with threatening you like that was a red flag that should be taken as very seriously. No man who is committed to a woman - no matter how many negative things that woman tells him about their relationship, no matter how many poor decisions a man makes in the relationship, no matter how many problems she is struggling with in the relationship - no man who is committed to her in his bones or cells would ever tell her something like "if you don't figure out having sex with me, I will have to go somewhere else". (-That's a huge ego trip if you think about it, by the way.) That is the most disturbing part of your entire story, and the rest, when combined, as well as how he's saying about the things that are bothering him, isn't compelling me to tell you that he cares.

Edited December 1, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

On 12/1/2023 at 8:07 AM, Nessavan said:

but he swears he loves me and wants to be with me

Even the most abusive men tell their gf/wife that they love them and want to be with them. I love you means nothing if it's not supported by concrete actions. 

He does not want to live with you, stop fighting it. It's obvious with this thread and your last thread that your boyfriend is abusive, controlling and is gaslighting you. 

It's time to let him go and go find yourself a real boyfriend. 

[glows]

It sounds like this person has had some sage advice from other homeowners or possibly older folk who’ve seen a few things. If I had to guess he’s gotten advice NOT to coown a home with a woman he’s been dating (not married) and/or possibly doesn’t see a future with due to mismatch in your finances or income or other incompatibilities.

I’m also willing to bet that if he’s getting help with the down payment due to struggling to come up with it on his own due to first time home buyer, that family member helping him is advising not to coown with someone else and keep the property in his name only.

Im sorry this is happening. He’s made it clear that he’s not willing to coown this home and I’d think twice about moving in as a tenant or live in girlfriend. 

Edited December 2, 2023 by glows