Insight on weird interaction with a female friend

[MartynH]

Hi everyone, looking for peoples insight on a situation.

I have (had) this female friend I have known since school. She always had a bit of a crush on me when we were kids but since school we never saw each other. She has been married for 12 years and has two kids. She reconnected with me and she has been messaging me nearly every day for a year. We get on so well. She even kept in touch while I was working in Panama despite the 6 hour time difference from the UK.

Last night we were talking about cars and then all of a sudden out of nowhere she said this.

"well anyway take care, i love your mind <3 XX"

Me thinking she was going to sleep said " yeh i'm off too, I have work in the morning, good night, talk to you soon "

But then she said " i'm not doing this anymore, I don't like how it makes me feel"

I asked her for an explanation and all she said was

"I don't like how its making me feel, it freaks me out"

Then she unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me. I have no idea what went wrong. We went from talking about cars to her telling me she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I find this weird because she mostly messaged me first so she can't accuse me of violating any boundaries and I always kept the conversation friendly out of respect of her marriage.

I'm so confused! Does anyone have any insight as to what might have triggered this?

 

Best wishes

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Eek. I think she realized that her feelings for you were getting too intense and decided to cut off contact to protect her marriage.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, MartynH said:

Does anyone have any insight as to what might have triggered this?

She never got over that school girl crush & throughout this past year she has been having what many would characterize as an Emotional Affair with you.  You weren't participating & it wasn't sexual per se but she was putting more energy into the talks with you than she was putting into her marriage.   She wised up & disconnected. 

[ShyViolet]

It's kind of obvious.... she has developed feelings for you, and she knows she shouldn't be doing this because she is married, and also these feelings can never go anywhere or be fulfilled.  She has a lot of issues of her own.  Just let her end this communication if that's what she feels she needs to do.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, MartynH said:

. She has been married for 12 years and has two kids. She reconnected with me and she has been messaging me nearly every day for a year. . but then she said " i'm not doing this anymore, I don't like how it makes me feel"

Are you in a relationship as well? Did you two ever meet up or was it just chatting? Unfortunately it seems like she was lonely or bored in her marriage.

Perhaps she feels guilty, perhaps her husband caught on.

Either way, while it was nice to catch up, if she deleted or blocked you she wants the contact to end. 

[MartynH]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you in a relationship as well? Did you two ever meet up or was it just chatting? Unfortunately it seems like she was lonely or bored in her marriage.

Perhaps she feels guilty, perhaps her husband caught on.

Either way, while it was nice to catch up, if she deleted or blocked you she wants the contact to end. 

No, I am single. I hadn't considered that maybe she caught feelings. From my point of view she just mugged me off for no reason.

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, MartynH said:

She always had a bit of a crush on me when we were kids (...). She reconnected with me and she has been messaging me nearly every day for a year. (...) She even kept in touch while I was working in Panama despite the 6 hour time difference from the UK.

I found it curious that you thought her behavior towards you was the norm. 

For future reference, if any of your straight female friends get into the habit of messaging you almost every day, they are likely to be romantically interested in you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MartynH said:

 From my point of view she just mugged me off for no reason.

She's married. That's the reason. Even though you may have tried to just be friends, she realized (or her husband realized) these chitchats with an old flame are inappropriate. 

[MartynH]

37 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I found it curious that you thought her behavior towards you was the norm. 

For future reference, if any of your straight female friends get into the habit of messaging you almost every day, they are likely to be romantically interested in you.

 

I wouldn't consider it normal but I had known her since we were children so I thought It was fine. She has not told me herself how she feels. Just that she can't talk to me anymore and then that was it.

[d0nnivain]

She handled it badly but was probably too embarrassed to admit that she has a crush.  She is married & knows where the hard boundaries are; she may not have wanted to admit to you that she had feelings leaning toward cheating on her husband for fear you would think less of her.  

[Lotsgoingon]

The meaning is clear to me. I'm going to assume you don't have a lot of experience with women and hadn't had confusing experiences in women. Sometimes we learn from confusing experiences, learn a lot. This woman was flirting with you and she wanted that flirting to go somewhere. You completely (smartly) ignored her ">XXX" flirt when you just said you were going to go bed. 

According to the webt,  X = a kiss meant for a friend, completely platonic. XX = kiss meant for special friend. XXX is a kiss meant for a romantic partner or a super-super-super close friend. She wrote greater than three X's. As in she wants to kiss you with passion greater than a kiss aimed at a normal lover!  Now, I didn't know any of that until I googled and still I understood what she meant. Why are you acting so clueless?

 Let's go back. You got a major, a huge, flaming red flag that you missed right away. She has been married for 12 years and has two kids. She reconnected with me and she has been messaging me nearly every day for a year. 

Dude, I have extremely close women friends and none of them texts me everyday or nearly every day for a year. And, this woman started testing you as soon as you guys reconnected. That's a sign of romantic interest, and time for you to get up to speed here. Doesn't matter than you weren't interested in her that way, you gotta develop radar that alerts you to keep distance from people improperly interested in you! I mean, there are murderously jealous husbands out there. You get that?! 

You dodged a bullet here--because you were in far deeper than you think you were. Wake up dude: this woman WANTED you. Doesn't matter that her love for you made no sense (given that you hadn't seen her in so long). That's what was going on.

 

[glows]

She said she loved your mind plus what looks like a heart and 2 kisses and you replied about work in the morning. She made a pass at you in a flirty way and you completely ignored it dryly talking about work in the morning. This is a woman who was looking for a more flirtatious interaction but you shut it down (good for you). 

It reads to me that she got embarrassed and ran away. Instead of playing it off or letting this pass or letting it be she overreacted. Please don’t overthink this too much. My guess is you’ll hear from her again when she’s feeling bold enough again and once the sting of this fades. You’d be smart to not respond and just leave it alone and not continue messaging often like this. 
 

Edited December 2, 2023 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, glows said:

It reads to me that she got embarrassed and ran away.

This. 

There's not much to do here, OP. She really shouldn't have been messaging you every day to begin with. so it's for the best that she cut this off. 

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, MartynH said:

I wouldn't consider it normal but I had known her since we were children so I thought It was fine.

Are your respective spouses aware of the fact that you are messaging each other everyday? Because most married people don’t message someone of the opposite sex everyday for months on end - that’s called an emotional affair. The fact that she is married to another man and messaging you daily says that she has some romantic interest in you… your comment was an attempt to see how you would respond. The fact that you didn’t respond embarrassed her and caused her to withdraw. 
 

[MartynH]

She tried to re add me as a friend on Facebook but now I am just confused with her to be honest. 

[glows]

14 minutes ago, MartynH said:

She tried to re add me as a friend on Facebook but now I am just confused with her to be honest. 

Did you read through the responses? I wrote she’d be back and here she is. There is not much confusing about her and nothing surprising at all.

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, MartynH said:

She tried to re add me as a friend on Facebook but now I am just confused with her to be honest. 

Has she ever brought up her marriage? She seems to be looking for emotional support. Perhaps you viewed it as old friends catching up but she's conflicted about thinking it's an emotional affair.