Just when you think you're ok...it still hurts deeply

[scobro]

you know what Brooke my wife I considered my best friend as well and that makes it hurt a little more.Not only have I lost my wife but my lover and best friend.I can relate completely to what you are saying.The ups and downs are killer but its all part of healing.(if i don't heal soon though I am gonna explode)THIS SUCKS BIG TIME!!!!!

[In Sync]

brooke7777,

Of course the loss of a friend is as much as an impact as my having lost my lover and friend. Of course, I see the loss of my mom in a totally different hemisphere, the jerk I was with could never rise to her level in his lifetime. But any loss of a friend (especially one who was a lover or spouse) is going to effect us as human beings. These people shared our confidences and secrets and we opend ourselves up to them. When they let us down we were betrayed in a profound way. You just don't get over it. It's the death of a relationship and end to a way we were with these people. And what makes it sad is that we know they are walking around still around in existence. If they had physically died that is a certain closer, but these people are nearby in our possible vincinity. We TRUSTED these people and that sort of betrayal you never forget and that's why I can go on for a while and be ok...but the second I do think of it...the pain is just as fresh as the first time he let me know he no longer wanted to be with me which was 7 months ago.

[JosiePosie]

Oh man, well it's good to know that I am not the only one going through this as well. Right at this moment, I am feeling okay. But this morning and last night, I was crying, getting angry, etc. over the broken relationship. I took him off my MSN Messenger as it was hard seeing him online, wondering who he is talking to, what he is doing etc. Strange thing, he still has me on his, figured he would have taken me off. Especially after he was the one who wanted time alone and then starts checking out dating profiles.

 

Anyway, what got me through today was this thought, "if I only had a year to live, is this how I would want to spend that time? crying over some guy who doesn't appreciate me?"

[In Sync]

I also think ...no I know that I am still struggling with this and back and forth because I never got a chance to confront the bastard. I gave I loved I endured his meanness and then I got dumped...Never did I say to him once.

"HOW DO YOU HURT SOMEONE WHO LOVED YOU. AND DO IT SO THOUGHTLESSLY? HOW DO YOU BE WITH SOMEONE ONE FOR TWO YEARS OR EVEN TWO MINUTES AND FEEL GOOD WITH YOURSELF FOR BEING SO CARELESS WITH ANOTHER'S HEART?"

 

So even though I am day by day going on with my life it's that unanswered question that will never get answered...and I feel stuck in that hurt. Kind of a foolish huh.

[helena abadi]

In Sync, it is not foolish at all. Don't ever think that. Yes, you are stuck in your hurt, and I'm so sorry to hear it. Your pain has never been acknowledged by the one who beat the crap out of your heart (whoever wrote that line on this forum was a genius, i stole it, i use it). This deep sense of injustice is justified. Is there any way you can make the opportunity to tell him what hurt he caused?

 

He may never acknowledge it to you, and as we only have control over our own behaviour, there will be nothing you can do about it. However it's likely your words will make an impact on some level.

 

If there is no way you can talk to the bastard, the best you can do is to how to heal yourself, regardless. The first is to make good use of your anger, which is acknowledgement of your own pain -- healthier than being in passive denial. You were in passive denial while you were in the relationship, because you weren't able to say directly HOW DO YOU HURT SOMEONE WHO LOVED YOU. AND DO IT SO THOUGHTLESSLY? HOW DO YOU BE WITH SOMEONE ONE FOR TWO YEARS OR EVEN TWO MINUTES AND FEEL GOOD WITH YOURSELF FOR BEING SO CARELESS WITH ANOTHER'S HEART?"

 

No point beating yourself up for not being able to stand up for yourself then. One of the issues about being the victim in an abusive relationship is that we don't get angry when we damn well should! And are unable to step back when there are warning signs.

 

Take steps to protect yourself now, and make YOU the Number One priority in your life. You put up with his crap, because you put his needs first and your own last. You are not alone, it happens in relationships all the time.

 

Can you say to yourself ``I will never let this person, or any person hurt me this way again'', and detail to yourself the ways you can prevent it? If that isn't easy for you, then some practical help from a counsellor may be a good idea.

 

Has this happened to you before? We tend to repeat patterns in relationships, unless some real work is done to break the vicious cycle.

[In Sync]

I've broken up before. But I was never involved with a classic narcissist before. I can say I do have a people pleasing type personality. Passive. I don't usually speak up because I'd rather not make waves...that's clearly a pattern I could change. Even throughout the course of being with him, clearly when he spoke like he was the world's authority on a topic, rather than admit I knew more on the subject because that would get him on an aggressive challeging me to 'prove it' binge (it was more trouble to have him relentlessly throw fact after fact till he was satisfied that he found something I didn't know) I would back down and change the subject. I just wanted harmony between us...what was the point of bickering over facts and history or politics...

With him I was determined I'd keep showing him love and tenderness and not fight or be a "nagging whacko b****" (his description of females who complained)

Ugggh. This looks real bad when I write it all out like this.

 

That's why I can't let it go. I suppose. I never spoke up to him and my reward was still to get dumped. Not once did I tell him to go shove it. I deep rgerets.

I do remember once when I was in elementary school and there was a school bully (yes I was the kid with glasses that got picked on then.) Sort of a similiar pattern. Like is one endless circle.

[Jellostick]

Unfortunately, In Sync, your story reminds me of mine where my ex thought I was being a know-it-all and that she backed down a lot 'cause she thought that if she spoke up that we'd get into arguments. I totally think that's BS but she felt that way but instead of me breaking up w/ her, she broke up w/ me.

 

Your description of you and how you were sounds pretty much like how she was to me but I can honestly say I never called her a nag nor called her a b**** 'cause I would never have done that to her.

 

I truly loved her and yes, I thought we were arguing more than I would have liked but every relationship has arguments, she just didn't want to fight for us and broke up w/ me.

 

I'm sorry you went through that and what you're going through but your story seems so similar to mine, it was kinda upsetting to read. At least I know I wasn't like him.

 

Cheers.

[JohnJohn]

i guess time heals all wounds so they say:)

 

I don't think time heals all wounds either. Time rearranges the memory, which is effective in the healing process as it puts things further out of mind.

[helena abadi]

In Sync..smart woman...you are aware already. yup, a classic narcissist. and i wasn't going to say `does this behavior happen in other areas of your life'...but you have already pointed it out that it has.

 

your observation about the school bully and being the kid who got picked on, is very relevant. it kinda sounds like your relationship, doesn't it?

 

sounds like you wanted peace at any price. and what a high price you paid. kids who get picked on DO want peace at any price, because they want to be accepted and liked. so they adapt to the needs of others, and bury their own.

 

i was bullied by my father, then bullied at school. i was the nerdy kid with glasses.

 

changing from passive to assertive takes work.

[brittanyjean259]

there are two factors here that heal all wounds,

 

1) is time

2) to heal properly and quicker, is with the right mindset to move forward

 

 

you need both, and with both you are headed in the right direction

[chica bonita]

This can work Jellostick..

 

I sometimes have had to resort to demonizing an ex..

 

Play down their good points and play up their demons.. Hate 'em if it helps you get over them..

 

Anger is more empowering than sadness/weakness. Give yourself a LIMITED time to grieve and then get angry (not by slashing tires or anything like that) by saying you are better than that, drop them like a hot potato and look forward and never look back.