He's back 1 year after our fall out

[Gaeta]

Hello all, 

About a year ago I had a fall out with a long term male friend. Our frictions started around the time I met my boyfriend. My friend and I have never crossed the friendship line in our 7 year as friends so it came as a total surprise when his attitude completely changed and he became jealous when I met my bf. In November 2022 we hit heads and we did not speak again. 

Yesterday morning my ex-friend sent me a message. The message was something you could have read in a Christmas card saying he hoped I was doing well during this Holiday season etc. 

I have not replied yet. 

My boyfriend wants me to patch things up with my ex friend. He has shared with me a few times he feels bad that I lost a friend when he came into my life. When I tell him that my friend grew jealous he thinks it's normal as he's not the center of my attention anymore and he'll adapt with time. 

I am not sure if I should re-open that door or close it forever. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

. Yesterday morning my ex-friend sent me a message. The message was something you could have read in a Christmas card saying he hoped I was doing well during this Holiday season etc. 

It seems like a friendly greeting and extending courtesy and an olive branch putting things behind him not holding grudges,etc.. If you don't want to fully engage, a "same to you happy holidays" message would be fine. 

Do whatever you feel is best regardless of your BFs opinion. It's doubtful replying to a generic Christmas greeting is going to reopen any problems, but ignoring it is a bit rude unless you really dislike this friend now. 

Edited December 2, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

I agree with your bf to forgive your friend and be friends again.  I'd definitely let him know that you and your bf are doing great and will be in your life.

[glows]

I remember this guy and the thread pages and pages long about him about how you lost trust. I’m assuming that’s the same one you wrote about last year. Does your boyfriend know the extent of grief this person caused? You were so upset and furious. No, I don’t think it’s worth reopening the door again and I’m not sure your boyfriend knows the extent of the things he said and did or what it made you feel.

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, glows said:

Does your boyfriend know the extent of grief this person caused? You were so upset and furious

Yesterday boyfriend told me he does not fully understand why l was offended to the point of cutting him off. I think my boyfriend has a bigger tolerance to bs than l have.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yesterday boyfriend told me he does not fully understand why l was offended to the point of cutting him off. I think my boyfriend has a bigger tolerance to bs than l have.

He’s correct. He probably doesn’t fully understand and that’s ok. He doesn’t have to because it’s not his decision. 

It’s probably frustrating for your partner to hear about this without understanding fully so here’s the part where we have to use discretion in how much we’re venting to our partners. 

[mark clemson]

It seems like the real issue here is that your friend became an orbiter, or perhaps thought he was next in line after your (unfortunate) prior breakup. I assume he's single?

It's always nice to forgive and forget. I think your hesitation stems from a recognition that whatever level of emotional connection drove this last fight probably isn't fully over.

Given that you have stayed with the new BF, it may be unlikely that your friendship returns to it's former state regardless of what you do.

Edited December 2, 2023 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

I think the appropriate response would be not to burn any bridges and reply with a friendly message acknowledging my ex-friend's message but not initiating further contact or attempts at reconciliation. When my male friend of 15 years mentioned in passing that he had feelings for me (albeit, we never had an argument or big blow out), I distanced myself. Which sucked, because I enjoyed our friendship but chose to stick to the boundary. He reached out to me a couple years later and while we don't speak often, it's nice that there is no resentment.

Holding on seems to just make things awkward/uncomfortable.

At the same time, different people react different.

Your argument initiated over earbuds if I recall correctly?  And if I recall correctly, how he acted/behaved towards you caused you a great deal of discomfort and it seemed like you were quite put off by it. 

How you decide to respond to your ex-friend's message ultimately depends on how you feel about the situation and your former friendship. 

1) How did you feel when you received the message? Did it bring up any negative or positive emotions?
2) Do you miss the friendship and value the connection you had with this person?
3) Has enough time passed for you to be able to move on from the conflict and potentially repair the friendship?

Those are all things I would weigh if I were in your situation. 

[Gaeta]

So l replied with something polite. He engaged a conversation and l participated carefully.

He said he missed me a lot, he admitted he even spied my facebook to know what was going on with me and after a while he decided it was silly and he should just message me. 

Is the spying weird a bit? 

My boyfriend is out of town till tomorrow night, l'm curious to hear what he thinks.

[Alpacalia]

Maybe he realized he acted like a twerky jerky for yelling at you over earbuds and doesn't know how to  apologize in a direct and non-awkward way. Or maybe he just wanted to get back in touch with you and didn't know how else to do it. Do you miss your friend? I was really hoping I could be on cordial basis with someone from my past but that proved not to be possible.

What do you want out of this Gaeta? Seven year friendship is a long time.

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So l replied with something polite. He engaged a conversation and l participated carefully.

He said he missed me a lot, he admitted he even spied my facebook to know what was going on with me and after a while he decided it was silly and he should just message me. 

Is the spying weird a bit? 

My boyfriend is out of town till tomorrow night, l'm curious to hear what he thinks.

Wow!  This sure is a turnaround from him.   

Regarding him spying.....spying at your work, tracking your car or parking outside your house is weird.  But the whole point of FB is to open our lives for others to peer in, so I don't think that a bit of FB stalking is weird...especially as you hadn't blocked him from seeing it.   As for why, I imagine it would have helped him reconcile himself to your new life.  He's seen you happy and probably feels like a fool and has let any feelings of unrequited romance go (I say this because with the exception of caring for a loved one who needs support, daily phone calls tend to go hand in hand with romantic feelings)

I'll be interested to see what you decide to do....and whether or not you can trust him not to have the occasional unpleasant outburst

 

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

What do you want out of this Gaeta? Seven year friendship is a long time.

When l saw his name on my phone yesterday my immediate reaction was l don't want anyone talking to me like that in my life.

Seeing his name made me feel  like l felt during our last conversation. I knew l needed to not answer right away.

For now l'm ok with being in touch but l can't jump right back into him being my bff. 

 

[Gaeta]

39 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'll be interested to see what you decide to do....

I don't know myself at this point.

[Alpacalia]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When l saw his name on my phone yesterday my immediate reaction was l don't want anyone talking to me like that in my life.

Seeing his name made me feel  like l felt during our last conversation. I knew l needed to not answer right away.

For now l'm ok with being in touch but l can't jump right back into him being my bff. 

 

Maybe it's better than to just let sleeping dogs lie. I was so taken aback how my ex bf spoke to me recently, he made me feel like I did something horrible because I broke up with him YEARS ago and made me feel like I did something wrong. I'm like, where is this all coming from? I felt like I stepped into a minefield.

I guess you're going to have to decide for yourself if letting him back into your life as a close friend is worth it or not. Sometimes it's better to move on and focus on healthy relationships with people who treat you with respect and kindness. But it's totally up to you whether you want to talk to him or not. Sometimes when someone has romantic feelings towards you the kindest thing you can do for them is to let them move on and not offer false hope by remaining friends, it can be very difficult when one person has feelings and the other doesn't. Take care of yourself and do what feels right for you.

[ShyViolet]

This is not about what your bf wants.  This is about what you want.  If the idea of talking to this ex friend or letting him back into your life again makes you uncomfortable, then don't do it.  Only do it if YOU truly want to.  You are not obligated.  If this ex friend behaved very badly or was toxic to you towards the end of the friendship, then that's a perfectly valid reason not to want to revisit this friendship again.

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This is not about what your bf wants

No it's not about what my boyfriend wants, l'm interested in what my bf thinks of this. 

My gut feeling tells me my ex friend wanted to know if bf and l were still together. Ex friend asked me if l was married, then he sent me a picture of himself. He said with his picture see l have not changed. I thought that was weird as him and l never were in a habit of sending pictures of ourselves.

I thought it was my opportunity to put my relationship forward so l sent him a picture of bf & l from our summer vacations. He said wow you both look happy. I said we are. 

I don't know what l want yet. The initial shock has passed but l'm leaning more toward keeping my distances.

[glows]

Think of it this way: would you have been as on guard and defensive about the comment spying on your social media from any of your trusted friends? You don’t trust this person already after his behaviour last year and can’t be yourself around him without questioning just his words in a text. 

Would you have also been as defensive of your relationship or had the need to send a couple photo with your bf to any other friend? If the answer is no you know you’re just wasting your time. Nice of you to be polite but you’re not over the way he acted last year. I don’t see this friendship working out.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No it's not about what my boyfriend wants, l'm interested in what my bf thinks of this. 

 l sent him a picture of bf & l from our summer vacations. He said wow you both look happy. I said we are.

This message exchange is fine. You can be cordial and step back at the same time. He seems happy for you. 

[Alpacalia]

I wouldn't arise to bringing your boyfriend into this. It's best to keep the focus on yourself and your own feelings. Your ex friend may just be curious about your life and how you are doing, but keep your relationship with your boyfriend separate from that. If your ex friend brings up your relationship, you can simply say that you are happy and leave it at that. It's not necessary to involve your boyfriend in this dynamic.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, glows said:

you’re not over the way he acted last year.

You're right l'm not over it. I know friends are supposed to forgive each other but l'm not there yet. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, this one you want to not follow bf's suggestion. And that's not mean to insult bf. The fact is on so many subtle matters, even close friends don't get it. 

Sounds to me like your former friend has begun to rethink things and realizes he messed up. 

Now, question for you, @Gaeta: going back in your memory, were there any signs, even small that this guy had more than a platonic interest? It's funny: I have become really good friends with an ex, who I dated briefly, after a period of years when we were only friends. The transition back to friends took a few years. 

What I'm trying to figure out is if this guy suddenly revealed his attraction to you or whether he just suddenly went cold and passive aggressive and so on. It's totally possible that this guy has his own issues, and yes, he got triggered by your new relationship. But might he have been jealous and insecure about losing time with you or losing emotional closeness with you.? I mean his reaction might still be annoying because this friend is not cheering you on about finding romantic love. 

Tough one. I don't think there is a wrong step here. And I tend to think the onus is on the friend to come clean in reaching out to you. 

 

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You're right l'm not over it. I know friends are supposed to forgive each other but l'm not there yet. 

I don't agree that friends are supposed to forgive each other.  Sure, it's great to apologise and be forgiven in return, but sometimes there is a hurt which is so deep that it's quite understandable that the aggrieved one just can't get past it....and that's OK.  Or there is history of hurt and you know that if you forgive them, they'll only hurt you again in the future.  Or you're just tired of their s*** and can't be bothered anymore.    And sometimes the forgiveness is simply about letting go of the anger on our end, without going as far as rekindling the friendship.  

I feel like your partner is jumping the gun in wanting you to reconcile.  To the best of my knowledge, this guy hasn't apologised for his behaviour, nor has he asked to rekindle the friendship.  He could simply be happy to be someone you used to know, but without any grudges.  And if I'm right about him having had a crush on you, will he really want to be close to you again and watch you loving someone else?

 

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

going back in your memory, were there any signs, even small that this guy had more than a platonic interest?

I did not identify any signs during our friendship, he even played match maker once and set me up with one of his friend. That did not turned well, his friend was a bit of a player, showered me with compliments but would not confirm dates on time etc. I told my ex-friend l was not going to pursue with his friend because of xyz. He called his friend and gave him sh$t for not treating me right and blocked him! I thought that was a bit extreme.

So no, l did not feel a romantic interest from him but it vould be friendship possiveness or protectiveness.

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

And if I'm right about him having had a crush on you, will he really want to be close to you again and watch you loving someone else?

We were single at the same time and he did not attemp to cross that line. He did not want to be in a relationship, he was happy having affairs with unavailable women.

[Weezy1973]

26 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So no, l did not feel a romantic interest from him but it vould be friendship possiveness or protectiveness.

I think this is more what the fall out was about. When folks are single they spend a lot more time and effort on their friendships, and often when they get into a relationship their friends can feel “less than” especially if there’s a big change in the amount of time and effort the newly coupled friend spends on them. As if they were just a placeholder between relationships for their friend. I suspect that’s what led to his unsavory behaviour at that time. 
 

Now whether you can understand why he felt that way or not or whether the “crime” deserved the “punishment” is ultimately up to you.