I think my wife has narcissistic disorder (NPD) but how do I know for sure and how do I cope with it

[Edward12]

I am a male and I have being married for almost 30 years and I have recently realized that I have been married to a narcissist. I have talked to a councilor about it and told her what I have been noticing and she did not think she had NPD. But from what I am seeing online and youtube I think I may be in this type of a relationship. She is flirting with other men and I am getting worried the she has intention of cheating on me but I can't prove anything. in fact nothing points me to her cheating. In the past I would see her looking at other man and I thought that she was just that way and it was nothing to worry about but now at least since she has lost some weight she seems to be doing it so much more. and since I confronted her she seems to be doing it even more. She seeks accouters when we are in public places and she stairs at guy to get a reaction from them like a look back at her. it's getting too much for me to handle. If I say something she denies it and she tells me that it's all in my mind and she is just been friendly. I have been depressed lately and I feel like I am so dumb for not noticed sooner. I am 56 years old and now feel that is too late for me to leave her because I do not want to live alone into old age. How do I cope with this. do you have advise? I feel that our marriage is so good when we are together along and we have really good sex. but when we are in company she acts different. when we are in public and she looks at other guys in sexual way I feel betrayed and disrespected. I do not think she will actually act on it and have an affair but this still makes me feel less then a man. I feel embarrassed and I am so depressed now and it's affecting my self-esteem as well. I feel like she doesn't care that her behavior hurts me. She just keep doing it.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Edward12 said:

 I have talked to a councilor about it and told her what I have been noticing and she did not think she had NPD.  I am 56 years old and now feel that is too late for me to leave her because I do not want to live alone into old age.  I feel that our marriage is so good when we are together along and we have really good sex. 

Sorry this is happening. You seem to have a good marriage and connection and intimacy. Has your wife always been more outgoing than you? 

Do you both work? Do you both contribute financially and otherwise to the household? Do you have children? Do you both have hobbies, interests and friends together and individually?

Why are you seeing a counselor? Have there been other personal or marital issues?

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done to rule out depression and other health concerns. 

Googling faux diagnoses isn't helping you. Nor can a counselor diagnose someone that's not their patient.  You've already spoken to your wife and she seems to think you're being jealous.

It doesn't seem like she's doing this deliberately to harm you, but perhaps she enjoys socializing and some attention. Try not to be so down or controlling. Be happy you have a good marriage and sex life. 

[Edward12]

Hi and thank you for your reply. Yes we both work and both contribute to the house hold. Yes, she has always been more outgoing then me I am an introvert and she has more of an type A personality. Our children are grown, one is 20 and one is 27. I have more of coworker friends and do not have many personal friends. She has more friends then me for sure but we do have mutual friends. 

The reason I am seen a counselor is primarily for the reason I stated above. I do not feel very appreciated if she is always looking for other guys attentions. I mean is this normal that while we are walking and even holding hands that she is staring at other guys? I mean maybe I am overthinking this? I am really not sure what to believe anymore. We have tried to go to counseling for arguing ( when we fight about other topics we tend be very passionate about it and she has gotten abusive in the past if she doesn't like what I say) but she is not truethful when she is speaking with a councilor and lied to the last one we saw. If I ask to go see a couselor she tells me that she spoke with a counselor long time ago and she doesn't need to any more.

[BrinnM]

If this is a new development, then I’m quite sure it’s the weight loss. She probably feels more attractive and wants a reaction, and perhaps she has already received some attention from guys due to her new looks, and now she likes the ego-boost. Is it narcissism? There’s no indication for that in your OP, but I’m sure that if you look around online, like you have been, you’ll see the term thrown around quite a bit. It’s way overused, IMO, and it won’t do you any good if you armchair-diagnose her. What is legit though is that you feel disrespected. It’s not nice when you’re out with your partner and they blatantly flirt with other people. It has nothing to do with actual cheating or not, just with the fact that they treat you less than, which is never acceptable. What would she say if you did the same? Ask her that and listen to what she says. 

[Edward12]

If I approach her she will dismiss it or bluntly deny it. One time she kinda agreed but  told me that her sister does it too, much more then her. That is hardly a reason IMO.. I have asked her "What would she say if you did the same?" her answer is that I do. I have done some in the past but not to the extent she does and definitely not recently. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Edward12 said:

. I have asked her "What would she say if you did the same?" her answer is that I do. I have done some in the past but not to the extent she does and definitely not recently. 

Agree that she's simply enjoying some attention because of her age and the weight loss. Try to pick your battles.  Instead of acting jealous, act indifferent. She's not cheating she's just insecure and more outgoing. You can blow up your marriage over this or you could work on being more secure. 

[Edward12]

I think she kinda freaking out that she is 54 and over the hill. maybe that is why she is so needy of attention.But she also is pretty vindictive because she does it too often to spite me a little because I said something to her about it. I think you right tho I should be more indifferent to this, if nothing else for my sanity.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Edward12 said:

I think she kinda freaking out that she is 54 and over the hill. maybe that is why she is so needy of attention.I should be more indifferent to this, if nothing else for my sanity.

Exactly. She's having a midlife crisis and any morsel of male attention she can elicit is why she's doing this. Attempting to make you jealous is part of this insecurity. Ignore it. Don't take the bait and make yourself upset over it. 

[basil67]

19 hours ago, Edward12 said:

I think she kinda freaking out that she is 54 and over the hill. maybe that is why she is so needy of attention.But she also is pretty vindictive because she does it too often to spite me a little because I said something to her about it. I think you right tho I should be more indifferent to this, if nothing else for my sanity.

To be clear, I'm not condoning her actions.  But could it be that she's feeling like she doesn't get much attention from you and is making up for it elsewhere?   

When's the last time you told her that she's beautiful?  When's the last time you both got dressed nicely and went on a date?  When's the last time you gave her an unsolicited hug?  If it's not something you do, then perhaps you could start.   (Though if you're doing this frequently, then there's a bigger problem)

[Edward12]

I feel I give her a fair amount of attention, Recently we went to a short retreat in a lodge and I wrote her a letter that listed all of the things that I love about her and she was really appreciative. but she still did it while we were there. idk it is like she doesn't even know how to stop even if she wanted to. She is like addicted to the attention grabbing element mixed in with some fantasy. I noticed that she does it to when men are with their spouses as well to see maybe if she can get a reaction. I show affection frequently and I do not know what is going on with her anymore. I don't want to leave her and I do love her but leaning to ignore this is difficult for me. That is why I look for way to cope.  

[basil67]

OK, so you're doing your part.   

Going back to the beginning, the reason you gave for saying is that don't want to live alone in old age.  Now I'm your age and have a handful of friends who are starting out on new relationships after many years of marriage.  There's no reason to think you'd be alone.   Have you ever secretly signed on to a dating app to see what's out there?   

Are there any other reasons you're still with her?

 

[Edward12]

Hi, yes there been times where I have gone on those apps but I feel that I am not very outgoing and I think I would have a hard time getting to know new women. maybe it's all in my mind. I just can't see myself with anybody else. Maybe some of the people here who are saying to ignore and not mass up my marriage are right to say that. I really wan to believe it will be Ok. But this is also eating me up inside. Sometime I get the impression she doesn't even care that this hurting me. She doesn't seem to be very apathetic toward me either. I tend to think that this is in part to the fact that she grow up with a missing father figure for much of her early life.

[flitzanu]

On 12/3/2023 at 6:54 PM, Edward12 said:

We have tried to go to counseling for arguing ( when we fight about other topics we tend be very passionate about it and she has gotten abusive in the past if she doesn't like what I say) 

this is much more serious than her looking at other guys.  if she's abusive, that's a whole other issue that you need to face, and consider if it is healthy for you to be in an abusive relationship.  her current behavior may simply be an extension of that.

[Edward12]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

this is much more serious than her looking at other guys.  if she's abusive, that's a whole other issue that you need to face, and consider if it is healthy for you to be in an abusive relationship.  her current behavior may simply be an extension of that.

Well she is mostly not abusive and she is nice most of times (apart from the issues discussed) but she is very moody. She goes through these cycles of love bombing, silent treatments, devaluing. If I tell her something happening in my life that is good she'll downplay it or just down right criticize it. But she will spend plenty of time telling me how great she is at work. If I try to confront her  with the issues I've described she will go in complete denial and will be belligerent. every time we can in a argument she threatens to get a divorce. she never goes through with it though. during and after these arguments, she tells me how she is speaking with the divorce lower but I never actually heard or seeing this lawyer I think it is all a bluff.  Yea some time I think she does take pleasure in hurting me and I can't understand why. I think she had a very shitty childhood and she is carrying multiple trauma bonds from childhood that I left here to handle.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Edward12 said:

every time we can in a argument she threatens to get a divorce. she never goes through with it though. during and after these arguments, she tells me how she is speaking with the divorce lower but I never actually heard or seeing this lawyer.

Have you considered marriage therapy? This nuclear  divorce reaction to conflicts may be sorted out as well as a qualified therapist helping both of you perhaps a neutral professional can suggest she see someone regarding the moods and anger. Unfortunately a lot of people have undiagnosed mood disorders ( or other issues such as health or hormone problems) and sometimes that manifests as anger. 

Edited December 22, 2023 by Wiseman2