Confessing Feelings to Long-Distance Crush

[Sampha123]

I find myself at a crossroads and could really use some insights from this community.

Long story short: Around 4 months ago during a work trip to Asia, I met this amazing colleague. Since then, we've been staying in touch through texts. However, she doesn't initiate conversations as much, though when we do chat, she's quite engaged and asks lots of questions.

Here's the kicker: when we initially met, I was in a relationship, and she knows about it. What she doesn't know is that I ended the relationship about 3 months ago. During our time together, there was undeniable chemistry, and we spent several days hanging out.

Now, fast forward to the present – I've been contemplating confessing my feelings. I'm fully aware it might not lead to anything, but I’m still thinking her every day and I'm curious to know if she might be feeling the same. I'm afraid that if I tell her my feelings, our friendship could be in trouble. I really care about our connection, and the idea of risking it is worrisome.

Here's where I could really use your collective wisdom – I'm also concerned about potential cultural differences. I come from a Western country and she is from asia, and I worry that expressing my feelings might not align well with her cultural expectations or could be misinterpreted.

Has anyone navigated a similar situation, particularly confessing feelings after a breakup and concerns about cultural disparities? Any shared experiences or advice would be immensely appreciated.

Edited December 4, 2023 by Sampha123
deleted one word

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Sampha123 said:

 Around 4 months ago during a work trip to Asia, I met this amazing colleague. Since then, we've been staying in touch through texts.  when we initially met, I was in a relationship, and she knows about it. What she doesn't know is that I ended the relationship about 3 months ago. 

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about? How long were you together?

Unfortunately even though you have a crush, it's not advisable to "confess" your feelings for multiple reasons. She's a colleague, it's long distance and you're on the rebound.

Enjoy the penpal relationship with this colleague, but please don't make things awkward and put her on the spot like this.

Instead, take some time to recover from your break-up and when you're ready start talking to local available interested women you don't work with and can date on a regular basis. 

[Sampha123]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about? How long were you together?

Unfortunately even though you have a crush, it's not advisable to "confess" your feelings for multiple reasons. She's a colleague, it's long distance and you're on the rebound.

Enjoy the penpal relationship with this colleague, but please don't make things awkward and put her on the spot like this.

Instead, take some time to recover from your break-up and when you're ready start talking to local available interested women you don't work with and can date on a regular basis. 

The relationship lasted a bit over a year, and we ended up being just friends. It started falling apart before this happened. 

[glows]

I’m confused and maybe you can clarify. Are you saying you met this person one time only for a few days and have chatted over 4 months and in 4 months online over texting you developed feelings?

It would likely make things difficult for both of you to continue working together if she doesn’t feel the same way. Even if she does share some romantic feelings/affection for you this would only lead to heartbreak because you’re separated by distance. Do you often spend time pursuing situations that are fruitless or go nowhere or cause more difficulty for you?

Do you like this job? I ask because I wonder if you’re self-sabotaging or have tendency to make life harder for yourself. It’s better to recognize this and figure out solutions than continue living this way. 

[Alpacalia]

How far are the two countries from each other? I only ask because I am curious about any long-term potential. Confessing your feelings to someone you met on that one trip should always be downgraded to hoping that she has a good time working together again when that happens. You constantly talking to her by texts does not mean anything. If she does respond to you more during your conversations then that probably bodes well for your friendship.

Keep in mind, she does not know that you are no longer in a relationship so rightfully so she is not going to openly invite more conversations.

[BaileyB]

I would not confess my feelings for her, I would float a less risky statement out to let her know that your relationship has ended. This shouldn’t be unreasonable since you’ve been texting with the women for four months… when the opportunity presents, casually drop the hint and see how she responds. If she fails to respond, that may guide your decisions going forward…

[basil67]

Is there any reason you haven't already told her that your relationship ended?  This would be one of the first bits of news which I'd update a friend on

[Sampha123]

8 hours ago, glows said:

I’m confused and maybe you can clarify. Are you saying you met this person one time only for a few days and have chatted over 4 months and in 4 months online over texting you developed feelings?

It would likely make things difficult for both of you to continue working together if she doesn’t feel the same way. Even if she does share some romantic feelings/affection for you this would only lead to heartbreak because you’re separated by distance. Do you often spend time pursuing situations that are fruitless or go nowhere or cause more difficulty for you?

Do you like this job? I ask because I wonder if you’re self-sabotaging or have tendency to make life harder for yourself. It’s better to recognize this and figure out solutions than continue living this way. 

I developed my feelings when we spent time together, not during online. This is something I've never experienced in my travels, so that's why I'm kind of confused about this. 

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

How far are the two countries from each other? I only ask because I am curious about any long-term potential. Confessing your feelings to someone you met on that one trip should always be downgraded to hoping that she has a good time working together again when that happens. You constantly talking to her by texts does not mean anything. If she does respond to you more during your conversations then that probably bodes well for your friendship.

Keep in mind, she does not know that you are no longer in a relationship so rightfully so she is not going to openly invite more conversations.

We're pretty far apart. I'm on the other side of the world. I get it's not practical because of the huge distance. But it just felt special. 

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Is there any reason you haven't already told her that your relationship ended?  This would be one of the first bits of news which I'd update a friend on

No there's not, I'm just waiting for the right opportunity to say it. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sampha123 said:

 This is something I've never experienced in my travels, so that's why I'm kind of confused about this. . I'm on the other side of the world. I get it's not practical because of the huge distance. But it just felt special. 

If you enjoy chatting with this coworker and crush, that's fine but she doesn't need to hear about your breakup. Please Try not to impose on her. 

[d0nnivain]

"Confessing" feelings to someone out of the blue is usually a bad idea.  It's awkward & causes problems. 

There are more subtle ways of conveying the same message without being blunt & awkward.  First let it casually slip in the conversation that you are now single.  See what she does with that info.  If she doesn't increase her flirting game, the feelings may not be reciprocated.  

Is there a chance that you two will be in the same place again in the future?  If yes, wait until then & ask her out.  

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Sampha123 said:

she doesn't initiate conversations as much, though when we do chat, she's quite engaged  I come from a Western country and she is from asia, and I worry that expressing my feelings might not align well with her cultural expectations or could be misinterpreted.

This is another valid concern. Please respect her boundaries and please don't make your breakup part of the conversation. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Sampha123 said:

We're pretty far apart. I'm on the other side of the world. I get it's not practical because of the huge distance. But it just felt special. 

Special might mean something a bit different.

Yes, you're experiencing a powerful connection, but why this connection feels different from all others in your past?

Being that your relationship was on the out and is now over that you're feeling an intensified desire for human connection and intimacy with another person to fill that void, and it's only natural, right? 

Why not give yourself some time and space before making any decisions. When do you think the next time is that you'll be able to see her? 

[BaileyB]

Online chatting tends to create a false sense of intimacy. You met this woman and formed a connection. You have since become more attracted to her, the fact that you can’t be together has allowed you to create a fantasy about this woman. If she is not initiating communication or does not respond to the news that you are now single, she is either not interested romantically or she has decided that the distance makes a relationship untenable. 

[NuevoYorko]

What would be your desired outcome if you were to "confess" your feelings?   I mean realistically.  Would / could you transfer your work to her country and live there?   Is there any way that a real life relationship could happen between you?

If not, there is no reason to make this confession, and every reason for you to dial back your emotions and probably stop engaging with her in a way that is feeding into your romantic fantasy about her.   Mainly that there is no real future potential, and significant potential awkwardness between you and a work colleague if you spill your guts about your crush.

[Lotsgoingon]

Confessing feelings is a waste of time. It's out of context, confusing, can be bizarre to the recipient on the receiving end of those feelings. So rule that one out.

The question of cultural differences--that's an interesting question and the answer to how to do deal with that issue also provides guidance on how to explore romance with this person.

My take: 99 percent of the time, if I have to confess my feelings, that means me and the other person aren't clicking romantically. If there is romantic chemistry--and that's what you're looking for--you don't need to confess feelings. 

Figure out how to spend time with this woman. If you can't spend time because of distance and all of that, then the relationship is going nowhere, can't happen. Once you spend more time with her, you will then be figuring out if you can overcome cultural differences with her. Slow down and go to the next practical step. What is the next practical action you can take that would allow you to spend some time with her--to explore things/

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Sampha123 said:

No there's not, I'm just waiting for the right opportunity to say it. 

That's right, this is a professional relationship rather than a friendship.  Gotcha.   I take it she's never shared personal details of herself either? 

[Foxhall]

On 12/4/2023 at 12:28 AM, Sampha123 said:

I'm afraid that if I tell her my feelings, our friendship could be in trouble. I really care about our connection, and the idea of risking it is worrisome.

It likely will startle her if you come clean- I have a loosely similar type of situation though we know other a lot longer.

I dont know-personally I like to say what is on my chest despite the potential fall out,

If she is the one for you she will appreciate you being honest.

 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

That's right, this is a professional relationship rather than a friendship.  Gotcha.   I take it she's never shared personal details of herself either? 

I should have added: If she doesn't share personal details either, then it's not a friendship.  It's just colleagues who talk

[Wiseman2]

On 12/3/2023 at 7:28 PM, Sampha123 said:

 I'm afraid that if I tell her my feelings, our friendship could be in trouble. I really care about our connection, and the idea of risking it is worrisome.

This is a very legitimate concern. She has shown little initiative and zero romantic interest.

She is also from a culture where politeness, reservation and decorum is revered. It's impolite to say "no" directly, for example. 

If you blurt out that you're recently single (hint, hint) or that you have feelings, it will definitely make the friendship awkward. Please don't do either if you respect her and the friendship. 

[glows]

22 hours ago, Sampha123 said:

I developed my feelings when we spent time together, not during online. This is something I've never experienced in my travels, so that's why I'm kind of confused about this. 

We're pretty far apart. I'm on the other side of the world. I get it's not practical because of the huge distance. But it just felt special. 

No there's not, I'm just waiting for the right opportunity to say it. 

She probably knows, OP. If you’re the one initiating conversations and talking about non related work topics she knows you have a crush regardless of your relationship status. It’s that obvious. 

How close of a colleague is she? Ie do either of you report to the other or different departments etc? 

Most people in Asia are very wellversed with the way westerners do things and if she’s working corporate she’s likely a career minded person so don’t even worry about offending her. More often than not it’s considered flattering when a westerner takes interest even if she doesn’t find you attractive. She does engage in conversation with you and that’s usually interpreted as a form of politeness, being conversational. She may be practicing her English as well. Like Europeans, Asians usually speak multiple languages and dialects. 

It just doesn’t make sense why you’d go through this rigmarole spending so much energy wondering whether to confess anything or tell her. In the east there’s a lot of emphasis placed on reading behaviours and she’s probably already figured this out awhile ago. 

[ShyViolet]

Even if you do confess your feelings, what could realistically come of it?  She is on a different continent.  Is there a real chance that you may relocate to her country in the near future?  Being pen pals from other sides of the world is not a relationship, even if you do confess your feelings and she says that she feels the same way.  Just ask yourself what would really be the point of this.