Great guy but financial trouble

[SunnySide0418]

Dating what seems to be a great guy but he's not financially stable. Just found out he filed for bankruptcy this past summer, doesn't have any savings, doesn't own a home (rents) and drives a 12yr old car. In addition, he also works two jobs which definitely limits the time we can see each other. Am I being shallow to be concerned?

[MsJayne]

I'm going to give you two responses, a compassionate person's response, and an accountant's response. Compassionate view - Not all bankrupts bring it on themselves, he may be a victim of a set of circumstances beyond his control. He may be a hardworking entrepreneur who experienced a rough time, (COVID, divorce, business partnership collapse, taking bad financial advice, etc), and is in the process of recovering from it and will get back on his feet in the future. Accountant view - Most bankrupts, (not all, but most), bring it on themselves through poor business management. It's usually because they've been spending the money which should have been covering overheads on lifestyle. There's also the type that runs up huge debts and then declare bankruptcy as a means of avoiding ever having to meet their obligations. If you're attracted to him and want to continue dating to see where it goes I suggest a very upfront conversation about goals and ambitions, mutually held values, and what led up to him filing for bankruptcy. You're not being shallow, you're being smart thinking about your future. 

[Weezy1973]

Not at all shallow to be concerned. This is genuinely something to be concerned about if you’re wanting to get into a relationship with someone. No savings is certainly a concern. A 12 year old car could be a good thing depending on the circumstance - spending a lot of money on a vehicle is probably one of the worst financial decisions someone can make. Renting can also be a valid choice if the associated savings from renting are going into long term savings / investments for retirement. Doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.

And all that being said, how old is this guy? If he’s in his early to mid 20s it could be part of the financial growing pains of youth and important lessons to be learned. If he’s past his 20s then certainly could be a sign of his core values and something not likely to change. 

[glows]

It’s not shallow. He’s hopefully working on rebuilding his credit but you should know why he filed for bankruptcy. He just filed recently and it’s too soon to tell if he’s a changed person as individuals can relapse. You can file for bankruptcy multiple times and this may not be his first either nor his last. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. He may just be poor at managing money. It takes a lot of change to turn over a new leaf.

Also keep in mind that as the relationship progresses you may be on the hook paying for holidays, vacations with your credit card. He may have a smaller secured low limit card with high interest and minimal access to credit until he rebuilds his score. He’ll have difficulty obtaining credit and applying for a car loan or mortgage won’t come easy or any time soon. It’s not to say he can’t. He certainly can but it will take some time. He may approach you for cash because of poor cash flow on his end. He works two jobs and wants to date you and I’m worried he has not enough time to date. What is his schedule like? 

I’m guessing you haven’t dated long if you just found out he filed this past summer. I’d think twice about this one and not rush into anything. Hopefully he can provide some reasoning to you on how all this came about and is open about his situation. All too often couples don’t want to talk about these things or hide things like this. It’s a positive that he’s been honest with you.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said:

Dating what seems to be a great guy but he's not financially stable. Just found out he filed for bankruptcy this past summer, doesn't have any savings.

How long have you been dating? How did you meet? How old is he? How did you find out he filed for bankruptcy and doesn't have any savings? How much do you know about him in general? What happened with him to be in that position? 

If there is a significant financial discrepancy how are you  going to date and move forward? Who's paying for dates now? Who's doing the driving? Who's home do you spend time at? 

Are you concerned that he's looking for a sugarmama or that he's telling you he's not ready for a relationship because he has too many problems? 

 

Edited December 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[SunnySide0418]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How did you meet? How old is he? How did you find out he filed for bankruptcy and doesn't have any savings? How much do you know about him in general? What happened with him to be in that position? 

If there is a significant financial discrepancy how are you  going to date and move forward? Who's paying for dates now? Who's doing the driving? Who's home do you spend time at? 

Are you concerned that he's looking for a sugarmama or that he's telling you he's not ready for a relationship because he has too many problems? 

 

We've been dating 6 weeks. We met at work.  He's 50. I'm concerned about having a potential future with him. He said the reason he filed is due to a loan he took out on a house that went into foreclosure.  Something like that. He's paid for our dates. I think I've decided I'm going to stop dating him.  As much as I like him I don't see a future.  Or at least not the kind I want.  Thanks everyone!

[SunnySide0418]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Not at all shallow to be concerned. This is genuinely something to be concerned about if you’re wanting to get into a relationship with someone. No savings is certainly a concern. A 12 year old car could be a good thing depending on the circumstance - spending a lot of money on a vehicle is probably one of the worst financial decisions someone can make. Renting can also be a valid choice if the associated savings from renting are going into long term savings / investments for retirement. Doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.

And all that being said, how old is this guy? If he’s in his early to mid 20s it could be part of the financial growing pains of youth and important lessons to be learned. If he’s past his 20s then certainly could be a sign of his core values and something not likely to change. 

He's 50. I think it's due to poor decisions. Regardless,  I'm going to end it. Now the question is do I tell him the truth about why I'm ending it? His last gf left him due to this.  I just feel bad hurting him.  Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said:

 I tell him the truth about why I'm ending it? His last gf left him due to this.

Good call to end it and cut your losses. You don't have to mention specifically why you're discontinuing dating, you can simply mention that it's not working out, incompatible, whatever. 

[Els]

It's up to you. For me, the most important question is whether they're a hardworking person and it's just bad luck, or if they're unmotivated and bad with money, etc. Considering that this guy is working two jobs (with one of them hopefully being full-time?) to try and get out of this mess, I'm guessing it's the former, so personally I'd just see how it goes, since there's a possibility he might be able to dig himself out of the hole. On the other hand if he was unemployed, spending lavishly with a credit card, etc, then it'd be a dealbreaker since nothing would change in the future.

But like I said, it's up to you. You have the right to decide to pass on someone for any reason at all in the dating stage, since that's the whole point of dating. So if you don't feel like this is right for you, then just tell him that things aren't working out and you're not feeling it. You don't have to bring up his financial situation.

Edit: Gosh, I just saw that he's 50... I was guessing 20-30! Definitely something to be concerned about, since he had so much time to prevent this from happening and he didn't.

Edited December 5, 2023 by Els

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said:

Am I being shallow to be concerned?

No.

[Gaeta]

What were his debts? Was he in 50k debts or 500K debts?  Bad financial decisions at 50 is a red flags but if he filed bankrupcy after covid because he lost his job and could not face his payments for months, like it happenned to many people, many self-employed people and small business owners, l may give him a chance. 

In some circumstances it's better to file bankrupcy than to carry a bad credit score for years. I imagine a financial advisor looked at his situation.

[smackie9]

I wouldn't even go there. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said:

He's 50. I think it's due to poor decisions. Regardless,  I'm going to end it. Now the question is do I tell him the truth about why I'm ending it? His last gf left him due to this.  I just feel bad hurting him.  Thoughts?

I would just tell him someone from my past came back into my life and I'm going to give it a try.  Wish him well and block.

[Will am I]

It all depends on the purpose of your dating.

Is it merely that, sharing some fun times together? Then no need to worry about his finances. Just enjoy your time together and don’t het sucked into his financial troubles.

If however your dating is aimed at finding a life partner, all the more reason to be cautious.

Depending on how much time you have given yourself to establish a commited relationship, you  may need to walk away and pursue another relationship, or you can wait it out and let him fix his finances begore taking things to the next level.

[Ami1uwant]

14 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I'm going to give you two responses, a compassionate person's response, and an accountant's response. Compassionate view - Not all bankrupts bring it on themselves, he may be a victim of a set of circumstances beyond his control. He may be a hardworking entrepreneur who experienced a rough time, (COVID, divorce, business partnership collapse, taking bad financial advice, etc), and is in the process of recovering from it and will get back on his feet in the future. Accountant view - Most bankrupts, (not all, but most), bring it on themselves through poor business management. It's usually because they've been spending the money which should have been covering overheads on lifestyle. There's also the type that runs up huge debts and then declare bankruptcy as a means of avoiding ever having to meet their obligations. If you're attracted to him and want to continue dating to see where it goes I suggest a very upfront conversation about goals and ambitions, mutually held values, and what led up to him filing for bankruptcy. You're not being shallow, you're being smart thinking about your future. 

I disagree in part…USA rules are probably different.

 

COVID hammered many small businesses and especially things like restaurants, gyms, and other things that required people to physically go there.  Nobody forecasted what Covid did— especially to businesses in non residential areas where pedestrian customers stopped and criminal/ homeless activity increased creating higher risks for robbery.  
 

neighborhoods with 80%+ office/ hotel space with little in residential areas lost many of their businesses thst served the workers/ visitors like shops and restaurants.

 

during peak Covid ( year 1+) I regularly went to work during this time due to IT issues. The restaurants were shuttered. Summer 2022 when things started to reopen. Prior there was a Starbucks anywhere within 2 blocks of wherever you were in this 40+ block area but at this return time only about 3 were left. Only a few restaurants/ stores remained.
 

people losing their better paying jobs due to Covid/ layoffs  and now on low income jobs just getting by but past debts they can’t pay.

Many marriages/ live together relationships ended in Covid which causes financial problems

high medical bills due to Covid and other diseases is another major factor

….All the above lead to bankruptcy.

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I disagree in part…USA rules are probably different.

COVID hammered many small businesses and especially things like restaurants, gyms, and other things that required people to physically go there.  Nobody forecasted what Covid did— especially to businesses in non residential areas where pedestrian customers stopped and criminal/ homeless activity increased creating higher risks for robbery.  
neighborhoods with 80%+ office/ hotel space with little in residential areas lost many of their businesses thst served the workers/ visitors like shops and restaurants.

during peak Covid ( year 1+) I regularly went to work during this time due to IT issues. The restaurants were shuttered. Summer 2022 when things started to reopen. Prior there was a Starbucks anywhere within 2 blocks of wherever you were in this 40+ block area but at this return time only about 3 were left. Only a few restaurants/ stores remained.
people losing their better paying jobs due to Covid/ layoffs  and now on low income jobs just getting by but past debts they can’t pay.

Many marriages/ live together relationships ended in Covid which causes financial problems

high medical bills due to Covid and other diseases is another major factor

….All the above lead to bankruptcy.

 

18 hours ago, MsJayne said:

He may be a hardworking entrepreneur who experienced a rough time, (COVID, divorce, business partnership collapse, taking bad financial advice, etc), and is in the process of recovering from it and will get back on his feet in the future.

What part of this did you miss in my post? 

[Ami1uwant]

9 hours ago, MsJayne said:

 

What part of this did you miss in my post? 

Your bias showed.

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Your bias showed.

I gave OP two possible scenarios of why her guy is in the situation he is and suggested she ask him what led to his bankruptcy to put her mind at rest. In what way is that biased? OP is concerned about getting involved with someone who may or may not be be inclined towards financial mismanagement, and you're implying that most bankruptcies in the US are the result of "US rules". Can you please explain the point of difference between "US rules" and the trade and industry financial regulations in the rest of the world? I dealt with quite a few insolvencies during my working life, so I'm reasonably well-informed, but I'm very interested in these US rules as it may make me want to advise OP to stick with Mr Bankrupt because he's just a victim of circumstance. 

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Your bias showed.

I have to add one more thing, my partner is an ex-bankrupt. There's my bias showing again  

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 12/5/2023 at 4:06 AM, SunnySide0418 said:

We've been dating 6 weeks. We met at work.  He's 50. I'm concerned about having a potential future with him. He said the reason he filed is due to a loan he took out on a house that went into foreclosure.  Something like that. He's paid for our dates. I think I've decided I'm going to stop dating him.  As much as I like him I don't see a future.  Or at least not the kind I want.  Thanks everyone!

At 50...I would have the same concerns you're having.

[mortensorchid]

Finances are difficult and often touchy things to talk about with others.  What is the most personal question you can ask someone?  It's "How much money do you make?".   Fact.  But I digress ...

You can tell a lot by someone in how they handle their finances.  Now true, you will not find someone who will exactly align with your thoughts and feelings on every issue possible.  But think of some things you might have encountered with others ...

1) Cheapskates - I knew a lot of people who cheapskates.  They would purposely not go places or participate in things because it would cost them more money than they wanted to spend.  They would drive for 40 miles out of their way for a sale, they would constantly look for different ways to cut corners and get something for nothing.  Then, just when you think you had it figured out, they would go out and spend on something completely frivolous or out of character.  But it was only something that they wanted and that they would play with and would almost never share it with others.

2) Extravagance - I have known some who are extravagant spenders.  They seem to have no concept of what is and is not important.  Some of them can and will spend on things like jewelry and furs but not for the electric bill.  Some of them, as I have seen, have no discipline at all.  Dare I say some of them are unstable people.  I knew one gal [ ] Along with her mood swings and crazy behaviors, she would do something like spend on 15 T shirts in one spending spree but claimed to be living on a fixed income.  

I'd like to think that I am the perfect balance of good and bad.  Even if I am in debt I don't cry about it or share with others how my finances are.  I keep it under control and I am happy being me.  Others can and will use it against others and themselves. 

Edited December 19, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[NapoleonBonaparte]

On 12/5/2023 at 3:18 AM, SunnySide0418 said:

Dating what seems to be a great guy but he's not financially stable. Just found out he filed for bankruptcy this past summer, doesn't have any savings, doesn't own a home (rents) and drives a 12yr old car. In addition, he also works two jobs which definitely limits the time we can see each other. Am I being shallow to be concerned?

Pay attention to his ambition & sense of purpose. Material success and can lost just as quick as it was gained. Mindset is what matters.