Been talking to my ex again

[Keeves1]

Hey!

First of I want to say that I've been on this forum for some time and it has to a certain extend helped me when I was in relationship with my ex. More often than not I felt misunderstood and I'm not blaming anyone because my English writing seems to noe be great and then there is language barrier. I do appreciate everyone for taking their time to comment and try their best to help.

I broke NC early December but she broke up with me this July. During this time I've been struggling alot of depression cause of this. I was sick leave from work in 1 month and had been seeing my pshyciatrist every week who has helped med realize that I was verbally abusive to her. The way I treated her makes me angry at myself and I have to live with it every day. Even my friends and family where shocked that I became that person with her. During my upbringing I've been bullied, met alot of fake friends and have parents that are not helping me. I lack emotional support from them. Therefore my values where not to be like those "Bad people". Well I went againt my own value and now I don't even know myself. I was a bad partner and a bad person to her. 

As many of you know my ex broke up with me this July. I went on no-contact for 3 months and broke it early December. I told her that I had alot in mind and wanted to meet up for a talk. She agreed to meet me. My only focus was to apologize to what I have done to her and I did. She seems to have accepted it but wanted to listen to me more about what me and the psychiatrist have talked about So I kept talking.

Me and the psychiatrist have mostly talked about my upbringing and I only had 1 hour session to tell what happened between me and my ex. That is when she told me I have been verbally abusive to her. 

My ex asked if I have been dating during our time away and I said that I did not because I'm still working on myself but she still has a place to my heart and that I would never make the mistakes again if she were to come back. 

She told me that she dated Harlem (fake name) for 2 months but broke up with him because he had severe depression, where stubborn (Only wanted to be home), was overthinking alot and had bad temper towards small things. Not against her. My ex then told him that he should seek a psychiatrist but Harlem's psychiatrist was on maternity leave but she said that it's he's responsibility to find a new one but he refused. My ex saw that as a red flag because he did not want to change and therefore broke up with him. After she broke up with Harlem, he then started to see a psychiatrist. Probablt because he wants her back too
 

The main reason why she dated Harlem was to find out more about the sexual side of her body. What she likes, what works and what doesn't. Sex was a problem in our relationship but it was not with Harlem. That is because the sex they had was great and it came naturally. She basically lived at he's place and had sex in bed before bedtime. They both have the same sleeping schedule. 

Point is: I was the problem because I pushed her to have sex in the morning when she clearly liked to have it at night. It just did not come naturally for her

I then asked her what she is planning to do forward when it comes to dating. She told me that she has alot to think about and she's not sure of what she wants right now. 

Since then I have been in touch with her on snapchat. Not to much though. Just sending her good morning, good night and how are you snaps. She does answer. 

If there is any language barrier or anything unclear, please let me know! 

Thanks for taking your time to read! 

 

Edited December 5, 2023 by Keeves1

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

Hey!

First of I want to say that I've been on this forum for some time and it has to a certain extend helped me when I was in relationship with my ex. More often than not I felt misunderstood and I'm not blaming anyone because my English writing seems to noe be great and then there is language barrier. I do appreciate everyone for taking their time to comment and try their best to help.

I broke NC early December but she broke up with me this July. During this time I've been struggling alot of depression cause of this. I was sick leave from work in 1 month and had been seeing my pshyciatrist every week who has helped med realize that I was verbally abusive to her. The way I treated her makes me angry at myself and I have to live with it every day. Even my friends and family where shocked that I became that person with her. During my upbringing I've been bullied, met alot of fake friends and have parents that are not helping me. I lack emotional support from them. Therefore my values where not to be like those "Bad people". Well I went againt my own value and now I don't even know myself. I was a bad partner and a bad person to her. 

As many of you know my ex broke up with me this July. I went on no-contact for 3 months and broke it early December. I told her that I had alot in mind and wanted to meet up for a talk. She agreed to meet me. My only focus was to apologize to what I have done to her and I did. She seems to have accepted it but wanted to listen to me more about what me and the psychiatrist have talked about So I kept talking.

Me and the psychiatrist have mostly talked about my upbringing and I only had 1 hour session to tell what happened between me and my ex. That is when she told me I have been verbally abusive to her. 

My ex asked if I have been dating during our time away and I said that I did not because I'm still working on myself but she still has a place to my heart and that I would never make the mistakes again if she were to come back. 

She told me that she dated Harlem (fake name) for 2 months but broke up with him because he had severe depression, where stubborn (Only wanted to be home), was overthinking alot and had bad temper towards small things. Not against her. My ex then told him that he should seek a psychiatrist but Harlem's psychiatrist was on maternity leave but she said that it's he's responsibility to find a new one but he refused. My ex saw that as a red flag because he did not want to change and therefore broke up with him. After she broke up with Harlem, he then started to see a psychiatrist. Probablt because he wants her back too
 

The main reason why she dated Harlem was to find out more about the sexual side of her body. What she likes, what works and what doesn't. Sex was a problem in our relationship but it was not with Harlem. That is because the sex they had was great and it came naturally. She basically lived at he's place and had sex in bed before bedtime. They both have the same sleeping schedule. 

Point is: I was the problem because I pushed her to have sex in the morning when she clearly liked to have it at night. It just did not come naturally for her

I then asked her what she is planning to do forward when it comes to dating. She told me that she has alot to think about and she's not sure of what she wants right now. 

Since then I have been in touch with her on snapchat. Not to much though. Just sending her good morning, good night and how are you snaps. She does answer. 

If there is any language barrier or anything unclear, please let me know! 

Thanks for taking your time to read! 

 

Hm, to be honest from what you say you both have some pretty big issues. It sounds like her latest ex has some similar features to yourself, so the question on her side is why does she keep picking men with said issues.

The part about this guy being great in bed compared to you sounds like instigation and designed to make you angry. I'm only guessing here but it seems like this may have been a big feature of your relationship and most likely this other relationship as well.

From your side you seem to just need to keep working on your own issues and probably stop talking to her completely again and move on. Like a lot of relationships involving negative treatment and emotional/personality issues it seems like your chemistry existed in bringing out the worst in eachother, not the best. Deal with these issues and you'll be open to finding a better more healthy relationship.

Edited December 5, 2023 by FredEire

[Keeves1]

11 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Hm, to be honest from what you say you both have some pretty big issues. It sounds like her latest ex has some similar features to yourself, so the question on her side is why does she keep picking men with said issues.

The part about this guy being great in bed compared to you sounds like instigation and designed to make you angry. I'm only guessing here but it seems like this may have been a big feature of your relationship and most likely this other relationship as well.

From your side you seem to just need to keep working on your own issues and probably stop talking to her completely again and move on. Like a lot of relationships involving negative treatment and emotional/personality issues it seems like your chemistry existed in bringing out the worst in eachother, not the best. Deal with these issues and you'll be open to finding a better more healthy relationship.

Yes Harlem knows about me and she compared him to me when she broke up with him. I don't think she picks up bad men. More like she's unlucky when it comes to men that she meets. 

I do not think she said that to make me angry. I know her and we both had an open and honest conversation about what happened. She just went out and explored her body and found out that the sex part and the communication was the problem for us, but other than that we both were good with each other. She said that the breakups was not bad and it could have been worse. 

I don't think I'm ready to move on yet. She said she needs time to think and I will give her time. It's not that she said directly no to not come back to me. I still have a chance and my plan is to still be in touch with her but not send her to much snaps. It's basically free lane from here now on and I have nothing to lose

Edited December 5, 2023 by Keeves1

[Gaeta]

One month therapy is not enough to control yourself from inflicting verbal abuse during crisis. There are certain things that triggered you into being abusive and you need to identify those and develop a plan to control it. That will be done with further therapy.

You and this girl were not compatible, you need to let go of the past and build yourself a new future with someone new.  You need someone that enjoys intimicy with you and is ok with your schedule.

Going back to a recent ex is like a horse running back into its burning stall, it feels safe because it's the only home it's known, even if it will kill him.  

[Keeves1]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

One month therapy is not enough to control yourself from inflicting verbal abuse during crisis. There are certain things that triggered you into being abusive and you need to identify those and develop a plan to control it. That will be done with further therapy.

You and this girl were not compatible, you need to let go of the past and build yourself a new future with someone new.  You need someone that enjoys intimicy with you and is ok with your schedule.

Going back to a recent ex is like a horse running back into its burning stall, it feels safe because it's the only home it's known, even if it will kill him.  

I've been to therapy since october and I've learned lot. What triggers me to be verbal abusive is if I'm uncomfortable in situations like if we have unvomfortable talk. If I'm on the public transport and we have an argument etc..

I've learned that sex is not everything in a relationship and I do not except girl I date in the future to have sex in the morning. I'm flexible. Point is: Just because the sex is great it does not mean that two partners are compatible. I used to think that before but it's so much more. Communication, emotional connection etc is also important in a relationship

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

Yes Harlem knows about me and she compared him to me when she broke up with him. I don't think she picks up bad men. More like she's unlucky when it comes to men that she meets. 

I do not think she said that to make me angry. I know her and we both had an open and honest conversation about what happened. She just went out and explored her body and found out that the sex part and the communication was the problem for us, but other than that we both were good with each other. She said that the breakups was not bad and it could have been worse. 

I don't think I'm ready to move on yet. She said she needs time to think and I will give her time. It's not that she said directly no to not come back to me. I still have a chance and my plan is to still be in touch with her but not send her to much snaps. It's basically free lane from here now on and I have nothing to lose

Well I don't know your dynamic obviously but belittling someone's sexual abilities and telling them how much better their new partner was seems like good way to get a rise out of someone in most cases. Just calling it how I see it. It's obviously good that you didn't react negatively to it though.

I agree with @Gaeta that you obviously weren't good for eachother and you should probably not entertain any thought of getting back together. Even if you were to completely overcome all your issues it may well have been those issues that made you "compatible" in the first place, and you would both be left carrying the scars of your past.

You can't force being ready to move on, unfortunately. But entertaining thoughts of reconciliation will only make it ten times harder.

[Keeves1]

My thoughts have just been spiraling. I'm comparing myself to this guy alot. Harlem has not been abusive to her, they have the same sleeping schedule which means my ex get's both quality time (Her love language) good sex and they only been dating for 2 months which indicated that the BU was not bad. 

I have history with her and have had more time to work on myself. Ultimately I think she needs to consider what quality he has and what I have. 
 

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

I've been to therapy since october and I've learned lot. What triggers me to be verbal abusive is if I'm uncomfortable in situations like if we have unvomfortable talk. If I'm on the public transport and we have an argument etc..

I've learned that sex is not everything in a relationship and I do not except girl I date in the future to have sex in the morning. I'm flexible. Point is: Just because the sex is great it does not mean that two partners are compatible. I used to think that before but it's so much more. Communication, emotional connection etc is also important in a relationship

Right, in my opinion sex is towards the end of the list. It's a cherry on top, something which is great tool for getting closer at the best of times and improved when everything else is working well.

In my last long term relationship during the most difficult times the last thing on my mind was actually our (fairly good) sex life. It just seemed like a side issue compared to all the other communication and intimacy problems.

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

My thoughts have just been spiraling. I'm comparing myself to this guy alot. Harlem has not been abusive to her, they have the same sleeping schedule which means my ex get's both quality time (Her love language) good sex and they only been dating for 2 months which indicated that the BU was not bad. 

I have history with her and have had more time to work on myself. Ultimately I think she needs to consider what quality he has and what I have. 
 

There's a lot of contradictions in this statement. You said he was depressed, stubborn and controlling and easily lost his temper, those all suggest at least the potential for abuse, yet you are holding him up as a much better person because they had a better sex life (according to her).

So the fact you are thinking this proves to me that her statement was a dig, and it worked in that it got you negatively comparing yourself to this guy. I'd take it as another sign that you bring out the worst in eachother and also regard her statements with a pinch of salt as they are obviously meant to hurt you.

[glows]

She broke up with you because you were abusive and you were the one who contacted her a few days ago and asked her to meet. This woman doesn’t sound interested in dating you. She was going on her way merrily when you contacted her to meet. 

Can you also clarify the living situation? She met, dated AND LIVED with this other man for 2 months? Where is she living now? Does she have a permanent address?

[Gaeta]

52 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

learned that sex is not everything in a relationship and I do not except girl I date in the future to have sex in the morning. I'm flexible. Point is: Just because the sex is great it does not mean that two partners are compatible. I used to think that before but it's so much more. Communication, emotion

Yes but...

2 partners have to have the same views on sex and intimicy. Obviously she was not happy with your sex life and it was not just about not liking morning sex. 

When a woman tells you to your face that sex with another man was greater, it's time for your pride as a man to kick in and you move on. 

You comparing yourself to this guy means you need much more therapy. 

Edited December 5, 2023 by Gaeta

[glows]

1 hour ago, Keeves1 said:

She said she needs time to think and I will give her time. It's not that she said directly no to not come back to me. I still have a chance and my plan is to still be in touch with her but not send her to much snaps. It's basically free lane from here now on and I have nothing to lose

Except your sanity. I agree with the previous comments that her talking at length about the other person she dated for 2 months is manipulative and shortsighted on her part. It creates competition, feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Healthy people are going to drop that like a hot potato and run because it’s completely unnecessary. 

In the spirit of psychiatry and long term mental health I think you’re taking one step forward and two steps back waiting an ex who broke up with you to take you back while comparing you to someone else. Reread your posts about “spiralling”. You’re going backwards in your mental health journey not forwards.

[Keeves1]

26 minutes ago, glows said:

Can you also clarify the living situation? She met, dated AND LIVED with this other man for 2 months? Where is she living now? Does she have a permanent address?

She lives in a dorm and has a permanent address. Yes she basically was never home during those 2 months. She was living at he's home 

[Keeves1]

I don't feel understood and heard. It's basicallt saying move on, she's not interested, she's was just getting out of her way etc 

[Keeves1]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You comparing yourself to this guy means you need much more therapy. 

That's to harsh. You've would have been comparing it too if you were in my situation. I think the society's view of a man is to be strong and be tuff. Like try to see it in my perspective. It's hard not to compare 

[Gaeta]

Just now, Keeves1 said:

That's to harsh. You've would have been comparing it too if you were in my situation. I think the society's view of a man is to be strong and be tuff. Like try to see it in my perspective. It's hard not to compare 

I do not compare myself to other women, even when l discovered my ex-bf was cheating with multiple women. I suffered a lot losing him but l have never once compared myself to these women. 

You need to mourn this woman. You need to be sad, to cry, to feel hurt, feel disappointed...then you let go. 

Comparing yourself to her lover has nothing to do with being a strong man, it's all about lack of self worth. 

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

I don't feel understood and heard. It's basicallt saying move on, she's not interested, she's was just getting out of her way etc 

We hear you & understand you. Many of us have hurt the way you're hurting and we lived through it to tell you even if your gut feeling tells you to run to her it's not what's best for you. The hurt you feel is temporary, it will pass. It's not because we love someone that they're a good match for us.

[Keeves1]

Soo why did she ask me if I have been dating around? What is your opinion on that? She could never ask me this and then make me feel like there is competiton. 

[d0nnivain]

We understand you.  You don't understand us.  You want us to give you a way to get back with her even though that relationship was not good for either of you and you haven't had enough time to fully address all the problems in your life stemming from unsupportive parents.    3+ months of therapy doesn't even scratch the surface of a life time of trauma. 

Your EX GF doesn't have the answers.  If she did, she wouldn't be your EX.  You would still be together.  She's talking to you now & asking if you are dating because she's a nice person who used to care about you.  She's still nice enough to want good things for you.  It's call compassion & empathy.  It does not mean she wants to get back together.  

[Alpacalia]

These are all things that you should not be focusing on or discussing with your ex. Her relationship with Harlem. This is none of your business and should not concern you. Her sexual preferences? Again, this is her personal business and you should not be discussing it with her. Do you see where I'm going here?

Stop trying to get back together with your ex and move on.

This relationship is over and it's time for you to move on and focus on becoming a better person for yourself, not for anyone else. Take the lessons you've learned from this relationship and apply them to future relationships.

Learn to communicate better and treat your future partners with respect and kindness. But for now, please focus on yourself and let go of your ex and any hope of getting back together.

[smackie9]

You ex doesn't want to give you any answers because she knows the truth will upset you. She's being kind and gentle, but she's carefully drawing a line in the sand not to go there. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

. She told me that she has alot to think about and she's not sure of what she wants right now. 

Sorry this is happening. It doesn't seem like a good idea to discuss each other's dating and sex lives. Are you still dating the other women you made threads about? 

It's good you're taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. That's a great start. Try to confide in your therapist more and try to refrain from TMI with an ex. 

You asked her to move out because she was having painful sex and even wanted to bring dates into the apartment telling her to leave in 2 weeks.  So unfortunately there's a lot of hurt and damage to work through. 

Please give each other the space to heal rather than panicking and trying to convince her to reconcile. Moving out is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it. 

[FredEire]

I'm not really sure I agree with others in the thread that your ex is being kind and gentle - to me it seems like yourself her and this Harlem character are all people with big personal issues who would all be better off working on those alone far away from eachother. At the end of the day I think it's a simple as that.

[Alpacalia]

Keeves I stand by what I said but please also consider that she wanted to bring dates into the apartment that you shared which is straight up offending.

You'd do well to move on, fella.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

I don't feel understood and heard. It's basicallt saying move on, she's not interested, she's was just getting out of her way etc 

The reason you don't feel understood and heard because you don't agree with what we are saying.  Sure, we could tell you what you want to hear, but would you really prefer that over us saying what we really think?

10 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

 Ultimately I think she needs to consider what quality he has and what I have. 

This isn't about her choosing between you and him.   Rather, it's about her deciding about what she wants for herself.   I suspect that if she wrote here, she'd be advised  to leave you both in the past, keep up recognising red flags as they appear and date someone who she's got no bad history with.  

It's time to move on

Edited December 6, 2023 by basil67