Help me eith my situation please

[Jjpp96]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to ask you something. We recently broke up with my girlfriend after 3 years of relationship. We broke up 2 times during that time but we always managed to stay together. 2 months ago we decided to break up. To have a smooth break up we decided to check on each other every 2-3 weeks to discuss about our lives without talking about our feelings. We already had 2 calls. The first one was pretty good and it was good to hear from her. But the after the second call it was very difficult as I felt I was terribly missing her. I already told her that I wanted to get back but the answer was an obvious no. So we have our monthly call in 2 weeks and I’m not sure whether I should take the call or not. I fear of missing her and especially if I refuse to have the call I fear that we won’t ever talk. And also do you think that if I refuse she might also open her feelings to me?

What should I do?

Thanks a lot for your help/advice

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, Jjpp96 said:

 We broke up 2 times during that time but we always managed to stay together. 2 months ago we decided to break up. we decided to check on each other every 2-3 weeks.

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about? You both seem to be in limbo. Neither free nor together.

Sooner or later she will start dating so staying friends and "checking in" is the road to headaches and heartaches. 

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.

It seems like you're hanging on hoping to reconcile but she doesn't want to. Please set yourself free.

Dragging out the breakup is not helping either of you. Make a clean break. Orbiting will not get you back together. . Tell her this limbo isn't working out then delete and block her. 

[d0nnivain]

A clean break is always healthier.  To be polite, take the call & tell her that these calls are too painful for you so you need to end them.  

NC will help you heal.  These check ins just re-open the wound.  

[ShyViolet]

I don't understand why you are doing these monthly calls, but they are obviously not a good idea.  People don't normally do that after they break up, and now you are seeing why.  It's best to move on after a breakup and not stay in contact like this.  It serves no purpose and just prevents you from being able to move on.

[MsJayne]

No, I wouldn't take the call.  The three month period after a breakup is when people make the mistake of getting back together because they're missing the familiarity and companionship, and staying in regular contact only feeds that dependence. It's nice that you can stay friends and you care about each other, but some time in the future you're going to meet The One and you don't want your ex hanging around in the background when that happens. Let go, deal with the pain, recover. It's horrible, but you can do it . 

[Alpacalia]

No, you need to go no contact. You need to take a step back and focus on yourself and improving your life while she has time to think and miss you. By speaking every 2-3 weeks (which is too often in my opinion) you are not allowing yourself to heal and she thinks you are too easy.

My ex (I recently posted about) I broke up with him because he was quite suffocating and I had to ask him 3 times to accept we were breaking up. After a while, he got a new girlfriend and I was really happy for him. We didn’t block each other but he pops up every few years, the last time he was quite full on and it just pushed me back.

You don’t know the power of your own feelings.

The problem with this type of approach is that it holds on to a significant amount of hope that, if given the opportunity, she could change her mind and want to be with you. The problem with that line of thinking is that it assumes that something changed and that, for whatever reason, it is no longer the same relationship that led to the original break up where it did not work as a couple. We often times look to pick up the pieces of our break up because we can’t truly bare the thought of accepting the loss.

Our entire sense of being can feel lost as we owe so much importance to the person that we are not with anymore. The true goal for any person should be to be okay on your own without the need or want for a relationship. If you only want a relationship because of loneliness or hurt, it is going to be a long and tortuous path in the future of finding lasting love.

My advice is to truly go out and find new people. Digging up the past does nothing for a healthy relationship. You need a clean slate. Learning to accept that she is no longer in your life and learning to build upon your own needs to establish self reliance or acknowledgement of self worth. If you don’t know what you like, how is anyone else going to know what to do?

Get out there and get social. That is step 1.