Why do men feel the need to lie about their intentions?

[GoodVibess]

Recently, I have blocked about 3 guys the 3rd one 10 mins ago. He lied to me about his intentions he said he was “down for whatever” I told him I am going with the flow and want to take my time to build a relationship. He said that’s cool, “i also go with the flow too” I did tell him I do not do FWB. Everything was going well until he asked me today if I lived alone. I explained to him that I am moving out of my apartment dorm this week. He kept saying “ahh makes sense” so that’s when I got irritated and told him him we shouldn’t meet. He asked me “why not” I replied because I feel he only wants to sleep with me and I have had a guy come over once and he blocked me after we slept together I don’t want that to happen to me again. Then he said “I apologize love for lying about my intentions, I don’t want to waste your time” I feel disappointed because he was actually a cool guy to talk to but I guess he was only being this way to sleep with me? This is frustrating. Why not be upfront about it? I would never give anyone who only wants sex my phone number. 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, GoodVibess said:

Why not be upfront about it?

Because of this:

 

5 minutes ago, GoodVibess said:

I would never give anyone who only wants sex my phone number. 

If women don't give out their number a man won't get sex. 

[Wiseman2]

If you are dating you can assume if they're attracted to you that they would like sex at some point. They're not seeing you to be friends.

Please try not to get this defensive and take it out on decent men because you had an unfortunate hit-and-run experience. 

All you can do is slow down, get to know them and see if you're a good fit and want to continue. Go at your own pace. 

[Alvi]

43 minutes ago, GoodVibess said:

down for whatever

Let's be real here. This guy is looking to get lucky. :But I am not sure he is going to get much action if he is going to start telling women that he is only looking for sex. Women are instantly going to be turn-off by his bluntness unless he is really buff and good looking.

What does it even means "down for whatever"? If a guy tells you such nonsense, this is where you have to ask him to elaborate the meaning. In other words, he is open to what, sex, WFB type of relationship, moving in together, getting married right away? Whatever comes he is happy with it, right???  So, if the two of you elope today, he is going to be happy too. Ask him that and see how he is going to weasel out of that one. This makes no sense and you should ask a guy right questions before giving him his number. But on another hand, talk is chap and anybody can tell you whatever you want to hear. Look at his actins, which speak louder than words.

There are tons of guys who tell you on dating sites that they are looking for fronds. Translation: They mean friends with benefits by that because nobody is looking for just  a friend on dating sites. Taking time, going glowingly, whatever happens, happens, I am happy with either outcome, is a code for "I am looking for a hoop-up." 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, GoodVibess said:

I told him I am going with the flow and want to take my time to build a relationship. He said that’s cool, “i also go with the flow too” I did tell him I do not do FWB.

It would probably be wise to remove the "going with the flow" out of this sentence and just say, "I want to take my time to build a relationship".  The "going with the flow" makes it sound like you're down for anything, which is not the case.

[GoodVibess]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It would probably be wise to remove the "going with the flow" out of this sentence and just say, "I want to take my time to build a relationship".  The "going with the flow" makes it sound like you're down for anything, which is not the case.

Yes you’re right I usually tell guys I am looking to meet in person and see how it goes. But I get unmatch immediately after that. So Idk 

[Sony12]

Men like to get laid.

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry you've had some unsavory experience but you have to reel that talk way, way, in. Too honest and forth coming. No person (man or woman) approaching someone for sex is going to say "Hi, earthling, I'm Mr. Bear and why are you here for sex only." And no person wants to be accosted by so detailed a past experience of yours so soon in your conversation. 

It's like someone coming to you and saying that he's not sure if he wants to date you because every girlfriend he's had has cheated on him. That is a poor attitude. Be a blanken slate. People like people who are positive, blue skies, and great mental attitude...real honest, for sure, but there is a time for everything and you should feel the time and be aware of the time in a relationship. 

You owe yourself the space and privacy to say 'I think there are mismatches in our relationship intention because I'm not interested in casual sex at this point. So good luck.'

Just turn him down and move on, no judgment and you're not interested. He moves on. 

Edited December 7, 2023 by Alpacalia

[CaliforniaGirl]

Some men (definitely not all, I've always found really great guys...or they found me) say what it takes to say in order to get what they want. 

Obviously women do this too, but this post is about men so I'm answering that.

Love-bombing, or pretending to want more, or whatever, is an easy way to sex if a woman who wants to hear that is approached.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, GoodVibess said:

Yes you’re right I usually tell guys I am looking to meet in person and see how it goes. But I get unmatch immediately after that. So Idk 

Be happy they unmatch early.  They are weeding themselves out.  If honesty is important to you & you want a relationship say that.  When you say I'm "going with the flow" and you "want to take your time" that is vague & can give the impression that you are open to NSA sex.   Change your tune.  Be specific.  Point blank up front state that you want a relationship.  That implies that you are not DTF & you don't have sex outside of a committed monogamous relationship.  Sure some men will bail when confronted with that but who cares?  They weren't your guys anyway  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, GoodVibess said:

I told him I am going with the flow and want to take my time to build a relationship.  I got irritated and told him him we shouldn’t meet. I replied because I feel he only wants to sleep with me and I have had a guy come over once and he blocked me after we slept together 

Please make sure you are ready, willing and able to meet.  You seem to want to chat online a lot but stall out at meeting.

Try to avoid TMI, especially where you live, exes, past dating disasters, or negative attitudes such as "all men just use me for sex", etc. 

Unless they're not too smart most men aren't going to put " just looking for sex" on their profile.  As far as vague descriptions of what you want. Just say "looking for a relationship", that doesn't mean you'll get into one with that particular person, it means you're not looking for hookups. 

You'll have to overcome your fear of meeting in person and rejection. Everyone does. You can't really figure out where it will go without meeting in person. 

Try to avoid nebulous vague terms like "going with the flow". This could easily mean anything to anyone.

Most importantly be confident and positive. Chat a bit online, then meet in person to decide if you want to go further. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, GoodVibess said:

Yes you’re right I usually tell guys I am looking to meet in person and see how it goes. But I get unmatch immediately after that. So Idk 

Sounds to me like you're effectively culling a number of the guys who just want sex.  Keep doing what you're doing

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Sounds to me like you're effectively culling a number of the guys who just want sex.  Keep doing what you're doing

 

This. Why waste your or his time?

[MsJayne]

Unfortunately this is what modern dating is. Men no longer have to bother with the courting and getting to know you bit, because there's so many women who believe social equality is measured by sexual liberation that men don't need to put in the effort any more, so women who don't give out often get rudely dismissed. Also depends which dating app/s you use. If you're on sites that are known for hook ups, (eg: Tinder, POF, Oasis),  maybe move to quality apps that match you with people who have the same values as you, and also state clearly that you don't do casual sex. 

 

[Sony12]

46 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Unfortunately this is what modern dating is. Men no longer have to bother with the courting and getting to know you bit, because there's so many women who believe social equality is measured by sexual liberation that men don't need to put in the effort any more, so women who don't give out often get rudely dismissed. Also depends which dating app/s you use. If you're on sites that are known for hook ups, (eg: Tinder, POF, Oasis),  maybe move to quality apps that match you with people who have the same values as you, and also state clearly that you don't do casual sex. 

 

To be honest pretty much every dating site is pretty much all about which pictures would you most like to do naughty things to. For the people that do hook-ups on POF it will be just as easy for them to do the same on Match. 

There are many women on Match refusing to talk to men their own age because those younger men are far better looking. Dating sites are all basically the same these days. It's basically an online bar everywhere.

 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

Unfortunately this is what modern dating is. Men no longer have to bother with the courting and getting to know you bit, because there's so many women who believe social equality is measured by sexual liberation that men don't need to put in the effort any more, so women who don't give out often get rudely dismissed. Also depends which dating app/s you use. If you're on sites that are known for hook ups, (eg: Tinder, POF, Oasis),  maybe move to quality apps that match you with people who have the same values as you, and also state clearly that you don't do casual sex. 

 

 

Eh. Sort of? Guys did this when I was dating in the 80s. Said whatever to get laid, especially young guys. 😆 And it was often all about looks too. This isn't new.

 

 

Edited December 8, 2023 by CaliforniaGirl

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

Unfortunately this is what modern dating is. Men no longer have to bother with the courting and getting to know you bit, because there's so many women who believe social equality is measured by sexual liberation that men don't need to put in the effort any more, so women who don't give out often get rudely dismissed. Also depends which dating app/s you use. If you're on sites that are known for hook ups, (eg: Tinder, POF, Oasis),  maybe move to quality apps that match you with people who have the same values as you, and also state clearly that you don't do casual sex. 

 

Yes, but there are also men of higher quality that aren't just looking for a hookup. Those are the ones OP needs to put her time and attention towards.

[basil67]

@GoodVibess have you spelled out what you're looking for on your dating profile?   Do the men who contact you do so with the knowledge that you're looking for a potential boyfriend?   

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

. If you're on sites that are known for hook ups, (eg: Tinder, POF, Oasis),  maybe move to quality apps that match you with people who have the same values as you, 

 Agree. Facebook dating is a free app.  Quality paid apps may offer more serious daters and better screening and matching tools. At least you need a credit card and some require  proof of ID.

All you need to indicate is "looking for a relationship". Don't use negatives like "not looking for...(hookups), etc. That comes across as dating burnout. Keep your profile upbeat and fresh. 

Sometimes people want something for nothing or expect filet mignon from places where you order into a clowns mouth at a drive through.  

If you just want online banter or casual dates free apps are fine. Zero investment for everyone involved. If you would like  more serious daters you may have to invest some time, energy and money into setting up a good profile and accurate recent pics on apps that are a bit more selective. 

[Alpacalia]

My friend met her husband on a free app. So did another couple I know. Haha...

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

 

Eh. Sort of? Guys did this when I was dating in the 80s. Said whatever to get laid, especially young guys. 😆 And it was often all about looks too. This isn't new.

 

 

Yes, true. But I think dating apps make it more smorgasbord-ish and people are (even) ruder than they were when we were young  

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, GoodVibess said:

Yes you’re right I usually tell guys I am looking to meet in person and see how it goes.

This still isn't telling them what you are looking for.  Be specific so they understand exactly what you mean.  If they unmatched with you they weren't what you were looking for anyway, right?

[NuevoYorko]

15 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, but there are also men of higher quality that aren't just looking for a hookup. Those are the ones OP needs to put her time and attention towards.

There is also a large "grey area" where guys (and some girls too) not "just" looking for a hookup are quite open to having a hookup with somebody if both parties are down for it.  And they will investigate the possibilities.   

Wanting a serious relationship does not necessarily mean that  a person is not opposed to fun casual sex in the meantime.  

It's not wrong. 

It's always baffling to me when I see (often) people (women almost exclusively) here posting "He said he was looking for 'something serious'!!"  when they end up having sex with a guy and then ... nothing else.

Also "looking for something serious" does not mean that the person is automatically signing up for that with anybody they meet, go on some dates with, or even have sex with.  Everybody in dating is learning.  Unfortunately, something often learned is that you are not compatible  with  another person.  Sometimes we're talking about sexual compatibility, which is discovered by having sex.  

It's up to each person to decide where their own boundaries are and how they want to handle each situation.

[Alpacalia]

55 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

There is also a large "grey area" where guys (and some girls too) not "just" looking for a hookup are quite open to having a hookup with somebody if both parties are down for it.  And they will investigate the possibilities.   

Wanting a serious relationship does not necessarily mean that  a person is not opposed to fun casual sex in the meantime.  

It's not wrong. 

It's always baffling to me when I see (often) people (women almost exclusively) here posting "He said he was looking for 'something serious'!!"  when they end up having sex with a guy and then ... nothing else.

Also "looking for something serious" does not mean that the person is automatically signing up for that with anybody they meet, go on some dates with, or even have sex with.  Everybody in dating is learning.  Unfortunately, something often learned is that you are not compatible  with  another person.  Sometimes we're talking about sexual compatibility, which is discovered by having sex.  

It's up to each person to decide where their own boundaries are and how they want to handle each situation.

True. Saying I'm “down for whatever” is pretty grey and not specific. A person could ask about someone's intentions in getting to know him or her and the other person clarifies that it'll depend entirely on their chemistry, but means he or she is really interested in getting to know the other person with a possibility of a serious relationship but sex is not off the table (it's in the grey zone since people do have sex when getting to know each other which is perfectly normal and being down for whatever means being open to the possibility of the physical part proceeding faster than normal if both parties are in the mood).

[mark clemson]

You're not likely to be able to tell when someone's lying too easily, so it's probably better to confirm that (they say) they're interested in a relationship before moving to next steps if that's what you want.

Of those who don't chicken out when the suggestion to meet in person is raised, there will be 3 categories: those who are actually lying about wanting a relationship, those who want a relationship but decide they don't want one with you (this can of course happen before or after sex occurs), and those few who actually start a relationship with you (which can also happen before or after sex).

As we all know, sex is a prerogative/strong drive for many men, and some are fine with having sex early on and figuring out if they want to actually be in the relationship with you later. Waiting for a relationship to be "fully" established before having sex can backfire as the most desireable men will have many options and may not hang around waiting for the woman to decide the budding relationship has "advanced enough" for him to start getting what he sees as his needs/prerogatives met.

I also think some men will see sex as a sort of inflection point. For some, sex indicates its time to commit to that person, at least in dating no others (not necessarily for the long term). So, once they've had sex they either stick around OR decide you're not the one to commit to. That may result in some of these "hit and run" situations as the man might not have the courage to stick around and have the conversation that "I like you, but not enough to commit to you..." as this can be a bit of a thorny chat.

Edited December 8, 2023 by mark clemson