Old Date to Meet as Friends: Considerations and Etiquette

[Alpacalia]

Would it be inappropriate to go out for coffee as a friend if you went out with them on one date in the past and you had no romantic interest in them and said as such but said that you'd be open to hanging out as friends? Obviously, you'd want to be considerate of his feelings and the potential awkwardness of the situation.

If you went out with someone who you found interesting, but ultimately didn't click with romantically. Then you lost touch and recently reconnected. What about if you're in a relationship? Is this inappropriate? I am trying to put myself in the other person's shoes. I feel that it would be appropriate to ask someone to meet for coffee or a casual hangout as friends, regardless of whether you have been on a date with them in the past. It is clear that you have no romantic interest in this person and you stated as such in the past.

As long as you are open and honest about your intentions, there should not be any issues. If you are in a relationship, it is always important to consider your partner's feelings. If they are uncomfortable with you meeting up with someone you went on a date with in the past, then it would be best to respect their feelings and not go for coffee with this person. However, if your partner is okay with it and you are transparent about the situation, then I do not see a problem with meeting up with this person as friends.

But maybe I am being a little too idealistic, so I would also recommend gauging the other person's reactions and feelings before actually asking them to meet up.

If you feel that there may be potential for awkwardness or discomfort, it may be best to avoid asking them to hang out and just maintain a friendly relationship but without any one-on-one meetups.

Ultimately, it is important to be considerate and respectful of other people's feelings and boundaries in all situations. What if the person asked you to meet up as friends instead of one of you initiating it? Would you say no?

Edited December 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 I do not see a problem with meeting up with this person as friends.

Why did he contact you? Are you actually friends? 

[Lotsgoingon]

Interesting. I did become friends with a woman I met on a dating app. We went out two or three times, and it was clear we didn't have chemistry. But I liked her a lot. She was a good conversationalist, interested in many of the same issues I'm interested in. I just thought she was too immature too date and way overdue for some serious therapy--and I'd learned the hard way already to stay away from immature people. 

The friendship ultimately fizzled out, but we talked maybe two times a year for a good five years. Interesting: I had moved her so quickly to the friendship column that I had no hesitation in talking to her (usually on phone). Seriously, it was like the start of our relationship on a dating app just vanished from my mind. I was dating another person during part of this period--and I'm not sure I told my partner. 

Just me: I wouldn't put my partner's possible feelings first. I would put my own clarity first. And I'd make sure that I was not secretly seeking some kind of admiration high from the guy who wants to meet.  I have found that if I'm in integrity and honest about what I want out of a relationship--that tends to come through when talking to a partner. What is important for me is to notice if I have even some hidden flirty energy with the person I met on a dating app. 

Just me.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

It's dicey.  People are on the apps to find dates / romance / sex but not friendship.  Some people misuse the phrase "friends first" to mean they want to take some time to get to know somebody before falling into bed.  So there is a lot of room for misunderstanding leading to hurt feelings.  

[Weezy1973]

The appropriateness is more a personal values type thing. But for me, unless you’re lonely and don’t have many friends, the potential negatives outweigh any potential positive by a sizeable margin.  Now if you don’t have many (or any) friends, then there might be a reason to build a friendship. 

[Alpacalia]

Does it make a difference though if it's someone you met on a dating app? Because I am not talking about meeting off a dating app but from someone that you became acquainted with a couple years back in real life and went on one coffee date but no romantic chemistry. I guess it would make a slight difference if the person initiated the meetup as friends instead of you, but the same principles apply. I agree though, it could be dicey. If you appreciated that person for their values and interests, and felt like you could have a platonic relationship with them.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 someone that you became acquainted with a couple years back . If you appreciated that person for their values and interests, and felt like you could have a platonic relationship with them.

Have you stayed in touch?  Does he want to be friends? 

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you stayed in touch?  Does he want to be friends? 

After the date ended (the one date we went on a couple years back) I was honest and told him I felt no romantic chemistry but I enjoyed our conversation and wished him the best of luck.

He said he appreciated my honesty and that was that. He invited me to meet a couple times following that but I declined.

A couple years passed and we randomly spoke one day. But we have not stayed in touch frequently or have a close friendship. I haven't explicitly asked if he wants to be friends. I would imagine that he would be open to being friends since we did not have any romantic chemistry in the past.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 he appreciated my honesty and that was that.  we have not stayed in touch frequently or have a close friendship.

What is inspiring you to want to reach out to someone you saw a couple times and haven't stayed in touch with? Wouldn't it be awkward for him hearing from you out of the blue asking for a coffee date if he's moved on and has a GF now? Especially after you friend zoned him? 

Edited December 8, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is inspiring you to want to reach out to someone you saw a couple times and haven't stayed in touch with? Wouldn't it be awkward for him hearing from you out of the blue asking for a coffee date if he's moved on and has a GF now? Especially after you friend zoned him? 

He's a cool person and someone I can see myself be friends with. It's always nice to reconnect with people and catch up on each other's lives. I commented on something he posted and he direct messaged me thanking me for the comment and we had a brief conversation. He invited me to see him in his band, I went, and that was that. Paid for my own ticket and drinks.

As long as we are both mature and honest about our intentions, I don't see an issue with catching up and possibly becoming friends. If he has a girlfriend now, I would definitely respect that and not try to pursue a friendship further. But catching up as friends and seeing how each other's lives have been would've been nice.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I commented on something he posted and he direct messaged me thanking me for the comment and we had a brief conversation. He invited me to see him in his band, I went, 

You're social media friends and you reached out to him? If he invites you to see his band that's fine but what exactly is the dilemma? You seem determined to ask him to go for a one-on-one coffee date as friends, so why not ask and see what he says?

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're social media friends and you reached out to him? If he invites you to see his band that's fine but what exactly is the dilemma? You seem determined to ask him to go for a one-on-one coffee date as friends, so why not ask and see what he says?

Determined? Hardly. I didn't know if it was appropriate or not. So, I asked for opinions. That is what this site is for. Opinions. It's not a dilemma. It's a simple question.

[NuevoYorko]

How does your boyfriend feel about this?

My opinion is:  How are you "friends" now  if you only met one time,  long ago, and neither of you were moved to stay in each others' lives in a friendly way then?  What are the "ties that bind" between you?  

I became good friends with 2 people I met on dating apps (well one of them was so long ago it was personal ads in a local paper!) but in both cases we knew we were not romantically attracted but instantly started hanging out because our friendly connections were so strong.  We were single and free and excited to meet a person who was into, for example, going to a show that weekend that I had an extra ticket for or joining together on a booth at an upcoming sale for record collectors since we were both into that.

  One of them has sadly died but the other friendship is still alive and important to both of us today - over 30 years later.

These are kind of rhetorical questions.  I do not feel like men and women can't be friends, nor do I believe that being in a relationship means that you can't have friends of the opposite sex.

I've always been perplexed,  though, at people who say "I only like you as a friend" or claim to be "just friends" with someone from a dating app because IMO friendship is a very real, and important type of relationship.   Friendships take time and attention and a pretty strong desire to spend time together or else they just ... are not really friendships.  

 

Edited December 8, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

How does your boyfriend feel about this?

My opinion is:  How are you "friends" now  if you only met one time,  long ago, and neither of you were moved to stay in each others' lives in a friendly way then?  What are the "ties that bind" between you?  

I became good friends with 2 people I met on dating apps (well one of them was so long ago it was personal ads in a local paper!) but in both cases we knew we were not romantically attracted but instantly started hanging out because our friendly connections were so strong.  We were single and free and excited to meet a person who was into, for example, going to a show that weekend that I had an extra ticket for or joining together on a booth at an upcoming sale for record collectors since we were both into that.

  One of them has sadly died but the other friendship is still alive and important to both of us today - over 30 years later.

These are kind of rhetorical questions.  I do not feel like men and women can't be friends, nor do I believe that being in a relationship means that you can't have friends of the opposite sex.

I've always been perplexed,  though, at people who say "I only like you as a friend" or claim to be "just friends" with someone from a dating app because IMO friendship is a very real, and important type of relationship.   Friendships take time and attention and a pretty strong desire to spend time together or else they just ... are not really friendships.  

 

He was fine with me going to see his band. I asked him if he had any worries or concerns and he said no.

We went on a single coffee date a few years ago and haven't spoken since. There's no ties, it's just reconnecting as acquaintances. This is someone I knew in real life for quite a while before through shared social circles, so it's not based on a dating app match.

But, you're right, in terms of developing friendships, it takes time and effort for both parties to really build a strong connection. And when you're in a relationship already that time and effort needs to be divided between your partner and your friendships. I wouldn't want to compromise my relationship by investing more time into this person's friendship.

[ShyViolet]

I think it's a weird thing to do if you're in a relationship.  If you're single, then why not.

If it's a person you only went on one date with, you barely know this person, they are not your "friend".  You have no investment in them so I don't see why you would risk causing potential awkwardness in your relationship over someone you don't even know and hung out with once.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 catching up as friends and seeing how each other's lives have been would've been nice.

How long ago was this band invitation? It's unclear because you claim you friend zoned him after one coffee date 2 years ago and haven't been in touch and aren't really friends? But you follow him and comment on his social media? 

Perhaps the biggest consideration is reflecting on why you want to reach out to this  particular guy again and build something out of it. 

[Alpacalia]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long ago was this band invitation? It's unclear because you claim you friend zoned him after one coffee date 2 years ago and haven't been in touch and aren't really friends? But you follow him and comment on his social media? 

Perhaps the biggest consideration is reflecting on why you want to reach out to this  particular guy again and build something out of it. 

We are both on each other social media. There is no "following." He made a post about something positive and uplifting and I commented on it. Then he sent me a direct message. The band invitation was a couple weeks ago. I don't actively follow his posts but we are connected on social media and I will see his posts occasionally and may engage with them.

I understand what you mean about reflecting on why I want to reach out to this particular guy again thereafter. I think he's a great musician and I wanted to support him and his band. Like I said, I know him from similar social circles and we worked on projects together in the past so I thought it would be nice to connect again. He is a very positive and uplifting person and I enjoy that kind of energy in my life.

Thanks for bringing that up, it's definitely something I need to think about. 

I do wonder if there is an assumption that this man has romantic intentions towards a woman two years after 1 coffee date. What if this man has no intention of pursuing her romantically and just wants to connect platonically?

That's definitely a possibility and that's why I was considering reaching out to him in a platonic manner for coffee just like I would with anyone else that I had worked with in the past.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

We are both on each other social media. He made a post about something positive and uplifting and I commented on it. Then he sent me a direct message. The band invitation was a couple weeks ago.

Why not see where his band is playing and go to the venues if you want to support him? He probably likes fans.  It's probably a lot less awkward and confusing than asking him for a one-on-one coffee date. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I think he's a great musician and I wanted to support him and his band. 

If you like his music and want to support his band, then just go to one of his band's shows, be in the audience, have a short, friendly chat with him sometime before or after his set.  There's a big difference between this and meeting the guy one-on-one for coffee.  I still think the latter is a weird thing to do when you have a boyfriend.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I do wonder if there is an assumption that this man has romantic intentions towards a woman two years after 1 coffee date. What if this man has no intention of pursuing her romantically and just wants to connect platonically?

Maybe reflect on what's going on in your life that inspired you to reach out to him and why you want someone "uplifting" at this time. He's a nice guy and I like his band is fine, but then you would just go to his shows. Perhaps you are hoping he's still holding a torch and some validation and friendship would help you out? 

[Alpacalia]

Thanks. I didn't think it would be this much of a big deal to ask someone to meet as friends, but I can see how it could potentially be uncomfortable for all parties involved. 

My boyfriend does not have an issue with me meeting up with this person, but I can see how it may come across as inappropriate. He is still friends with a woman he briefly dated years ago and it doesn't bother me at all because they have been able to maintain a clear and respectful friendship. However, I see now that every situation is different and it's important to be considerate of everyone's feelings. I appreciate all the advice and different perspectives.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

.my boyfriend does not have an issue with me meeting up with this person,  He is still friends with a woman he briefly dated years ago and it doesn't bother me at all 

It's great you're both ok with opposite sex friendships. That doesn't seem to be a problem for either of you. However your BF is actually friends with this person.

You claimed you weren't friends but then you were in the same circles and claimed you haven't stayed in touch but recently reached out and went to see him.

So the confusion seems to be why you reached out trying to be more than acquaintances and asking him for a coffee date. 

Edited December 9, 2023 by Wiseman2

[FMW]

I think men and women can be platonic friends, but I think it happens organically, situationally, over time.  In this situation it seems specific effort is being expended to see what's there - something that usually happens because of interest that's not just platonic.

Possibly, because of the future plans involving your boyfriend you've shared in other posts, you're looking for a distraction to get perspective.  Interest in getting to know this other guy better provides that by letting you explore options in what you see as a non-threatening way.

Or maybe I'm off-base.  But I would give some thought to what's really behind this interest.

Edited December 9, 2023 by FMW

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you're both ok with opposite sex friendships. That doesn't seem to be a problem for either of you. However your BF is actually friends with this person.

You claimed you weren't friends but then you were in the same circles and claimed you haven't stayed in touch but recently reached out and went to see him.

So the confusion seems to be why you reached out trying to be more than acquaintances and asking him for a coffee date. 

We were friends in the same circle.

After he asked me out the first time, two years ago, and we had the date, I said I wasn't inclined to further pursue anything romantically.

Didn't think it was wise to remain in contact following that where we're chatting and hanging out all the time considering he wanted to go on another "date" at the time. I've wanted to reach out but never got around to it nor did I think I should given him having romantic feelings and me not.

We reconnected thru social media, after the band, he mentioned catching up so I thought I would reach out and suggest coffee. I wouldn't think after two years that those romantic feelings were still present that's why I didn't see the harm in it.

I think it's very different when you're in a relationship and chatting like besties and hanging out all the time. That to me is a no go.

Obviously that's not the case here.

 

 

 

Edited December 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

We reconnected thru social media, after the band, he mentioned catching up so I thought I would reach out and suggest coffee

Does he know you have a BF? It sounds like you went to see his band without your BF. That's probably more important since your BF knows about him and doesn't really seem to care or feel threatened.