I don't know what to do

[LPJ01]

Not even sure this is the appropriate category for this post but it does involve a struggle with maintaining a friendship. I, 31(M) met this girl 31(F) last September through a group of friends and we instantly became the best of friends. We shared a love of tennis and would train for it constantly while dreaming of entering local tournaments together as a mixed doubles pair. We both had been through tough breakups and comforted each other on the phone constantly about these breakups. Tennis was proving to be therapeutic for each of us while battling heartbreak.  She and I also share the same sense of humor and many hobbies that made the friendship so easy and exciting. I knew in the back of my head that she's the type of person that I would develop heavy feelings for but I promised myself I wouldn't act on those feelings.....until she made a move on me in November of last year. She wanted us to be friends with benefits and while I knew in the back of my head that I would struggle with this concept down the road, I went against my better judgement and agreed. This situation evolved and led to us dating for a couple months, but she maintained boundaries the entire time and said that while she likes me, that she doesn't see a future with me as a romantic partner.

The dating fell apart completely around February of this year and I felt so heartbroken. But this was different. She wasn't going anywhere, she expressed how much she still loves/cares for me, and she wasn't going to try to date anyone. She wanted to be single and didn't want to cause more pain for me in the future by continuing something that didn't feel right for her. I respected that a lot and it made me think even more of her as a person. After months and months of us being platonic friends who continued to hangout all of the time, we ended up sleeping together again. This lasted for several months and it started to feel like we were dating again. However, I was never delusional about the situation. I knew in my heart of hearts that she was not going to ever be my partner for life and that the intimacy between us was temporary. We competed in several tennis tournaments together and were quite successful. It felt so special to share this sports success after all the training we had put in together while both of us were battling heartbreak.

One Friday night in late October she invited me over to hangout and watch movies/play ping pong. While we were hanging out, she showed me that she had downloaded Tinder. I felt my chest grow heavy but I tried to be supportive of her doing this as I know I can't gatekeep her from seeing other people. She started going on several dates and would even fill me in on them as a way to comfort me since they weren't going well....I felt guilty that she felt she had to do this for me. She finally met a guy that she really liked and continued going on dates with until they officially became a couple in the middle of November. The news felt like a shotgun to the chest. Suddenly, she was spending 3-4 nights a week with this guy and introducing him to all of our shared hobbies and I felt this disgusting jealousy overtake my body. She still called me every single day, texted me every single day, and has tried to make time for me at least once a week. But for whatever reason, I feel so unbelievably heartbroken and sick inside. I told myself I would try my best to be a great friend and showed up one day to play tennis with her/him and it was fine until I saw them drive off together after we were done playing.

I think that in the back of my head that I was lying to myself about being okay this entire year. When two people break up, they tend to go their separate ways and contact is limited or eliminated. When her and I ended our relationship in the beginning of the year, our dynamic hardly changed at all. We talked 24-7 and still would hangout 24-7. She never once tricked me or lied to me about her intentions with me. She truly has been a great friend to me in many ways and I know that she deeply cares about me. I just can't stop feeling selfish. I feel so sad and heartbroken over this new development and have no idea what to do....I feel like I lied to myself about being okay with us not being a couple because she was still single and heavily in my life. It took seeing this to realize that I never truly processed my feelings for her. She is by far my closest friend but I have no idea what to do....when we talk, I feel so many emotions. I've felt so manic lately. This is the most confusing situation of my life and it makes me feel like a bad person. It should be so simple for me to accept this reality and be a good friend to someone who has been a good friend to me. But I am so scared of seeing/hearing more information that further hurts my heart and never healing. They've gotten so incredibly close already and he''s already introduced her to his daughter. She expresses that this is the most she's liked a guy in a long time and instead of being happy for her, I just feel depressed. I've dealt with heartbreak and breakups in the past, but this is a different animal. This is my best friend who has made a strong effort to be apart of my life and be a good friend to me.

What in the world should I do? I feel horrible.

 

Thank you everyone

Edited December 8, 2023 by LPJ01

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like you two helped each other get over breakups by being FWB, but you wanted more. All you can do is step back and don't be her male-girlfriend listening to her dating adventures. 

[d0nnivain]

You have to put distance in here.  Sticking around is not good for you.  

[LPJ01]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You have to put distance in here.  Sticking around is not good for you.  

Do you believe I have to go no contact? Of course, I would say something....not ghost. 

I get afraid that I won't be able to heal if she's still around but I feel so guilty/cruel if I end the friendship.

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to go NC but LC would be best for you.   

To keep things from being awkward assuming you want to preserve the "friendship" I wouldn't say anything.  I would just gradually be more distant.  If she says anything mumble something about giving her & her new beau space for their relationship to flourish.   Don't confess to your crush or having feelings otherwise she will have to end the friendship in deference to her relationship.  It's not healthy to have orbiters.  

Spend your new found free time in search of a meaningful relationship that fulfills you.  When you find that, you should be able to resume your friendship with this woman.  If feelings of longing or jealousy still persist at that point, you can go NC for everyone's sake 

[LPJ01]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You don't have to go NC but LC would be best for you.   

To keep things from being awkward assuming you want to preserve the "friendship" I wouldn't say anything.  I would just gradually be more distant.  If she says anything mumble something about giving her & her new beau space for their relationship to flourish.   Don't confess to your crush or having feelings otherwise she will have to end the friendship in deference to her relationship.  It's not healthy to have orbiters.  

Spend your new found free time in search of a meaningful relationship that fulfills you.  When you find that, you should be able to resume your friendship with this woman.  If feelings of longing or jealousy still persist at that point, you can go NC for everyone's sake 

Thank you for the advice. I truly do dream of a day where all romantic feelings are gone and I can just see her as a friend. People always asked me if we were dating and assumed we were but I described it as having a guy best friend that happens to be a woman. She checks the friend box in so many ways and I definitely want this person to be in my life but right now it's unhealthy and LC seems like healthy advice for me. I'm afraid to pursue other relationships because I honestly know that I'd be looking to use that person to get over her. So until I feel like I can actually enter a healthy relationship, I am going to try my hardest to stay busy with positive activities. 

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Once again an FWB turns out to not be that beneficial after all. I'm wondering how her new partner is feeling about her being such close friends with a guy she's slept with, that situation would make me a little uncomfortable if I were in his shoes. A lot uncomfortable actually.  As you have such strong feelings for her you won't be able to move forward as long as she's a big part of your life, you're rubbing your own nose in it. I think she'd be understanding if you explain to her that it's too hard for you to go back to just being friends. 

[LPJ01]

Update: We are no longer friends. I spent the last month facing so many internal battles and trying my hardest to stay her friend. We both have expressed how much we love and care for each other but the difference is that I am IN love with her. I thought I could battle through the pain inside as this person was the most present person in my life by far. Just before Christmas, I shared the news that I got a promotion at work and she started crying and expressed how happy she was for me. To lose someone that cares so much about me is so painful and something I currently am hurting from but I know that my feelings are still so strong. She called me every single day, she texted me every single day, and she didn't let one day pass without telling me she loves me and wanting to hear about my life. I am devastated to lose someone like that but it was clear to anyone on the outside that it wasn't healthy.

 

I regret how we came to the end. On New Year's Eve, we were texting back and forth. I was in the hospital for pneumonia(still healing but it's going to be ok). I was already dreading New Year's Eve for selfish reasons as I had wished so badly I was spending it with her, but she was spending it with her BF. She sent me a picture of an innocent, cute dog and explained that her BF;s mom has that dog. And all I could think about is how she's spending NYE with him and his family. Instead of just being mature about it, I texted her back to leave me alone and that if she truly loved/cared about me, she wouldn't be sending me updates on her and her BF. I blocked her. Not very rational behavior, huh? 

Three days later, I called to apologize for my behavior as I knew she didn't mean any harm by the text but it led to us having a very serious conversation. She said that my reaction showed to her that I am so far from healed. That I am clearly so heartbroken that she would be a selfish person to keep me in her life and we need to go our separate ways. Everything she said was true. I am madly in love with this girl, I think about her all the time, and I get so jealous/sad when I hear the tiniest thing about her and her new BF. Yet, I felt so bad hearing it from her. The way I reacted on New Year's Eve and many other times has shown that I don't possess the control or ability to accept her new situation. She told me that if I ever truly find my own happiness and feel like I am 100% moved on, that I can call her a long way down in the future but she'll be able to tell if I am moved on or not. There's still this part of me that hopes that can be a possibility one day, but right now I am so far from that if I am being honest.

Sorry for all the rambling....it truly sucks that my stupid feelings cost me such an amazing and caring friend. My phone seems so dry and lonely now. I feel like if I keep telling myself that we'll be good friends again one day that I am just feeding the addiction and not moving on. Losing a best friend because of my inability to just love them as a friend has brought me more pain than any actual relationship breakup in the past. 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/8/2023 at 9:03 AM, LPJ01 said:

We both had been through tough breakups and comforted each other on the phone constantly about these breakups.  I knew in the back of my head that she's the type of person that I would develop heavy feelings for but I promised myself I wouldn't act on those feelings.....until she made a move on me in November of last year. 

Sorry this happened. It seems you're still mourning your breakup and she served as a distraction so now both heartaches are hitting you at once. You're correct that she didn't lead you on and it was clear from the beginning that it was a temporary bandaid for both of your breakups. 

All you can do is step back from her and move forward. To be honest, it's your breakup that's causing pain and blaming her for moving forward won't help that.