Red flags or am I not empathic?

[Imper]

Are the following red flags or indicators of high risk for commiting a relationship with a young woman, that maybe she is emotionally damaged?

 

She says she wants a long term relationship, but has had 8 relationships beeing 23 already. 

One of her ex partners had BPD and she talks about him on a regular basis and also compares my behaviour with his.

She dumped her ex after one week of meeting me and told me she was really only staying in a relationship with him because he likes his friends but wanted to break up half a year ago already.

She wants to buy a house with me after 2 months of dating and says I am the best she ever had and the man for life. 

She buys me gifts and shows a lot of affection. 

She does not see her ex-boyfriends as many and gets upset, when someone says something like that.

She has very high expectations from her partner, you should spent a lot of time together and move together as soon as possible.

She has very specific views regarding a house, wanting a horse/dog/children.

She talks about marriage just a few weeks/months into the relationship.

Edited December 8, 2023 by Imper

[NuevoYorko]

Why don't you give this a little thought and see what answers you come up with for yourself.   Are these good qualities?  Things that you are looking for in a partner?  If so, why?  

By the way,  choosing wisely when it comes to a relationship does not have anything to do with whether you are empathetic or not.   

[d0nnivain]

The talk about marriage & buying a house together with somebody she has known for 60 days is a high indicator that she has a screw loose.  

She's love bombing you.  It sounds like she enjoys the dizzying feeling of falling in love but has no stamina for the hard work or maintaining a relationship. Her monkey-branching from the EX to you is a bad sign.  She will fall out of love with you just as quickly when then newness wears off 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Imper said:

Are the following red flags

Do you really not know? 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Imper said:

she dumped her ex after one week of meeting me and told me. She buys me gifts and shows a lot of affection. .She has very high expectations from her partner, you should spent a lot of time together and move together as soon as possible.

How did you meet? It seems like she was cheating on the her BF at the time.

How do you get along otherwise? You've only been dating 60 days, how much do you really know about her?  Does she work? Go to school? Live with parents or roommates? 

She seems either very immature or mentally ill or high on drugs. Her behavior seems strange. Hopefully you are using contraception and STD protection. 

Take your time getting to know her. 

 

Edited December 8, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

Yes, they're red flags that she's immature and has unrealistic expectations, and it sounds like she perceives a partner as a means to achieving her goals rather than as a separate identity. Wanting to buy property together after five minutes of knowing you is impulsive and risky behaviour, declaring you the 'man for life' after such a short time and buying you gifts, and dishing out plenty of affection are manipulation tactics. My take is that you're in the honeymoon phase of a relationship with the Hydra but at the moment she's still disguised as a Disney Princess. Brace yourself, when you refuse to follow the Prince Charming script she has for you there's going to be trouble. 

[ShyViolet]

The worst ones in my opinion are that she is talking about marriage and buying a house after two months of dating.  That shows that she is very emotionally immature, has poor judgment,  and someone you should be careful getting involved with.  You already know this, or you wouldn't have made this post.

[glows]

This is also the honeymoon period of dating. She’s infatuated with you and you both don’t know one another yet well enough. There may be a possibility she’s not serious about any of the above. If she is why do you find this attractive or interesting? Just move on without being impolite or telling her she’s “emotionally damaged”.

[Imper]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How did you meet? It seems like she was cheating on the her BF at the time.

How do you get along otherwise? You've only been dating 60 days, how much do you really know about her?  Does she work? Go to school? Live with parents or roommates? 

She seems either very immature or mentally ill or high on drugs. Her behavior seems strange. Hopefully you are using contraception and STD protection. 

Take your time getting to know her. 

 

We met on a public festival. We get along very well. Communication is good. She is not on drugs and lives in a basement appartment at her parents house. She is working as an educator, is very social and has quite a few friends, yes. All in all seems pretty good. She wants to see me every day pretty much though and starts to critisize minor things now. She said her ex was not on time and it was a big problem for her. I told her I am not always on time aswell. She said that is no problem I am perfect the way I am for her but now she starts critisizing it. I recently cried at her place, and had to withdraw to the bathroom to calm down. Because the house thing pressured me so much. Also her grandfather isn't doing well regarding health. Which pressured me a lot. She said I am not there for her enough, I call and ask her every day how she feels and how her grandfather is doing and seeing her more often aswell, hugging her, listening to her and well the things you do. I don't know what else I should do? She also said me withdrawing to the bathroom reminded her of her second boyfriend who had bipolar disorder. She needs to resolve conflicts right away and that is a no-go for her. On the other hand she said she likes when a man can cry and has emotions.

Ah I also forgot that she is critisizing that I am at my parents place and care a lot about my mother (my father is ill, so I want to support them) and she wants to be priority number one and that I stand between my mother and her.

Edited December 9, 2023 by Imper

[Alpacalia]

No no no, this is too much after two months. You're not supposed to be her carer and you're not supposed to be her number one priority.

She's the one who wants to see you every day, because she needs your attention. She thinks that will solve all of her problems. And of course it won't. She needs to work on herself and her issues and build a life that she loves.

In a way, our own happiness is our responsibility, right? And so should be our emotional stability. We can depend on other people, but there's a line that should never be crossed.

I think you should reconsider this relationship. This has bad juju all over it. She is giving you guilt for caring about your own family...no, it doesn't work like that. She wants to see you everyday, which shows that she isn't capable of living her own life. 

I know you like her, but you have to put yourself first. It's only been two months, and it seems like there are some major red flags. I suggest you end things before they escalate and you become even more invested. It's clear that she has some unresolved issues and she's trying to make you responsible for them. This is emotional manipulation.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Imper said:

she is critisizing that I am at my parents place and care a lot about my mother (my father is ill, so I want to support them) and she wants to be priority number one and that I stand between my mother and her.

It's only been 2 months and you're seeing a lot of red flags. She seems clingy, selfish and like she's looking for someone to rescue her from her parents basement. Please cut your losses and free yourself from this. 

[Atwood]

RUN. No healthy person begins a relationship like this. 

[Atwood]

RUN. No healthy person begins a relationship like this. 

[d0nnivain]

At 2 months in if you are already crying & overwhelmed this is NOT a healthy relationship.  Everything should be light & easy at this point.  If it's not, that is a bad sign.  You claim communication is good but she's criticizing you, comparing you to other men, and stressing you out so communication is not good; it's toxic. 

Anybody trying to pull you away from ailing parents is not a good person.  

Ignore all of these red flags at your own peril.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Why on earth are you still dating this woman?

She is a disaster. 

[ShyViolet]

Any emotionally healthy person would recognize how crazy she is and end this relationship immediately.

[MsJayne]

9 hours ago, Imper said:

We met on a public festival. We get along very well. Communication is good. She is not on drugs and lives in a basement appartment at her parents house. She is working as an educator, is very social and has quite a few friends, yes. All in all seems pretty good. She wants to see me every day pretty much though and starts to critisize minor things now. She said her ex was not on time and it was a big problem for her. I told her I am not always on time aswell. She said that is no problem I am perfect the way I am for her but now she starts critisizing it. I recently cried at her place, and had to withdraw to the bathroom to calm down. Because the house thing pressured me so much. Also her grandfather isn't doing well regarding health. Which pressured me a lot. She said I am not there for her enough, I call and ask her every day how she feels and how her grandfather is doing and seeing her more often aswell, hugging her, listening to her and well the things you do. I don't know what else I should do? She also said me withdrawing to the bathroom reminded her of her second boyfriend who had bipolar disorder. She needs to resolve conflicts right away and that is a no-go for her. On the other hand she said she likes when a man can cry and has emotions.

Ah I also forgot that she is critisizing that I am at my parents place and care a lot about my mother (my father is ill, so I want to support them) and she wants to be priority number one and that I stand between my mother and her.

Good grief! Please escape from this deluded control freak now! She says her ex was bi-polar, I say he was reacting to dating an overbearing bully. On that point, I suspect she may actually be the one with a mental health condition. Run from this harridan now, before she eats your soul.