LDR Question: What would you do in this situation?

[ciara_love]

Men: I am wondering what you would do in the following scenario. Would you drive down to meet your partner?

Women: Would you expect your partner to meet you in Barcelona as this woman did?

A man in Barcelona is in a long-distance relationship with a woman from Los Angeles for several months. He has told her many times that he loves her and only wants to be with her for the rest of his life. He is experiencing some depression as some tough events occurred in his life around his birthday. His girlfriend surprises him with a birthday gift of flying to Spain on her way home from a business trip in China.

He is excited to see her and asks what time her flight arrives. He lives 3 hours from Barcelona. He asks her if she would like to stay in Barcelona her first night and she says yes. She thinks he is arranging a place to stay together her first night because it is also coincidentally her birthday on the day that she arrives.

Her flights from China take her almost 2 days to arrive in Barcelona. The day before her departure she finds out that her partner did not book a hotel or plan to meet her in Barcelona. There was a miscommunication and he assumed that she would take a train to his village. They speak about this miscommunication and she asks if he will meet her in Barcelona as she will be exhausted upon arrival. He asks her to take a train to see him. He says he is tired from working and does not like to drive at night. It is her birthday and she is extremely disappointed. He had said on many occasions that he would always be there for her and take care of her.

She was exhausted upon arrival and took a train to his village even though she was completely exhausted. He did purchase her train ticket. While on one of her layovers, she had considered actually breaking off the relationship due to him not wanting to meet her at the airport. To her, it is clear that he should drive down and pick her up, since she was traveling for 2 days. Is this an unreasonable expectation or hope on her part?

Is this man showing love for this woman? Or is this a clear sign that he is not able to follow his words with his actions? Or is this a simple case of a misunderstanding? Is this woman overreacting? 

[Alpacalia]

If he's not mirroring the same amount of energy that you're giving him, don't pursue further. You're only asking for 5% of his time, but it feels like you're using 100% of yours.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ciara_love said:

 she had considered actually breaking off the relationship due to him not wanting to meet her at the airport. To her, it is clear that he should drive down and pick her up, Or is this a simple case of a misunderstanding? 

Sorry this is happening.  It seems like a miscommunication and extremely difficult logistics  and poor planning.

How long have you known each other? How often do you see each other?  Has he visited your home?  Unfortunately it seems like neither of you is comfortable with a distance situation if the logistics of seeing each other is complicated and disappointing. 

 

[ciara_love]

Thank you for responding, Wiseman2. We have known each other 8 months and been together 6 months. He visited me in LA a few weeks after I was in Spain. Before that, I was in Spain for a week in July. He planned the trip to LA several months ago. I was mainly upset that he did not take the initiative to make any plans for Barcelona for my arrival as he was very passive in the conversation about logistics. I thought he was keeping details from me because he was planning a birthday surprise. It made me feel unappreciated for him to not drive to Barcelona to pick me up. He thinks that I was asking for too much to be picked up in Barcelona and that the train was preferable. It felt very un-romantic and unappreciative. Any insights are appreciated

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, ciara_love said:

. It made me feel unappreciated for him to not drive to Barcelona to pick me up. He thinks that I was asking for too much to be picked up in Barcelona and that the train was preferable. 

Unfortunately it was not a mutually planned visit and you just stopped by on a business trip layover.

It's understandable that a 6 hour roundtrip drive for him to come get you at night is difficult. Please try not to do things you resent as "surprises". If someone can't drive 6 hours roundtrip at night, it's unfortunate but reasonable. Overall you may want to reconsider if distance relationships are a good fit for you. 

[d0nnivain]

If you can manage to fly half way around the world for him but he can't get off his duff to take a 3 hour train ride, he's not worth your effort.   He should have been moving mountains to make everything wonderful for you upon your arrival in Spain.  

Edited December 9, 2023 by d0nnivain

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, ciara_love said:

 His girlfriend surprises him with a birthday gift of flying to Spain on her way home from a business trip in China. She thinks he is arranging a place to stay together her first night because it is also coincidentally her birthday on the day that she arrives.

Unfortunately distance relationships don't lend themselves to surprises and spontaneity and unspoken expectations and lack of communication. Unfortunately there were too many assumptions about him booking a hotel or driving 6 hours roundtrip to pick you up at the airport. It seems like he made the best of this surprise by paying for the train although it was disappointing and strenuous after your trip from China. 

[ShyViolet]

This is simply a case of poor planning and poor communication.  Both of you are wrong.  I don't know how you didn't clearly discuss these logistics when planning the trip.  You don't just "assume" that someone will book a hotel, or take a train ride to another city.

[NuevoYorko]

That's sad.   But I think your expectations of this relationship are unrealistic considering the amount of time you've spent together.   How are either one of them supposed to know that they will spend the rest of their lives together at this point?

Anyway, the whole aspect of "romantic birthday surprise" was unwise under the circumstances and unrealistic expectations made it worse.

If you're going to continue this long distance relationship, please make very concrete plans that are amenable to both people.  No fancy surprises where somebody is supposed to make a "grand gesture."  

Also - you said guy is from Barcelona but then that he lives 3 hours from that city, in a "village".  You are from L.A.  You and he might have very different ideas of what married life together will look like, and obviously you don't communicate very specifically so far.   

How are you seeing your future together?

 

 

[ciara_love]

Thank you for the replies, everyone! I was not clear in describing the details. To clarify, I let him know about my stopover in Barcelona 2 weeks ahead of time. His birthday was 2 weeks prior to mine and I surprised him on his birthday with my stopover plans. He was super happy and excited about seeing me and wrote down my flight arrival time. We spoke every day before I arrived and he knew my travel itinerary. He asked me what I would like to do when I arrived and if I would like to stay in a hotel. The way that he asked made it seem like he was coming down to pick me up. 

[ciara_love]

And yes, ShyViolet, we were both wrong in not discussing the specific details of the trip ahead of time. My partner asked for my flight arrival time and the way they asked made it sound like they were meeting me at the airport. They asked about whether I wanted to stay in Barcelona the first night. Our communication was perfect regarding our other visits and this is the only trip with any miscommunication. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, ciara_love said:

 The way that he asked made it seem like he was coming down to pick me up. 

That's where you went wrong.  You assumed.  You each had different ideas in your heads but neither of you bothered to speak up. You need to be clearer in your communications.  

[Alpacalia]

I would say if you sprung it on him at the last minute obviously 3 hour to drive equals 6 hours on the road. And most of us are tired from working all day. But then again, you don't see each other often, and given you surprised him, I feel if he was overly excited that he would of offered to drive to the airport. It's a tough call either way. But things are hard and when you're under a lot of stress and depressed it's sometimes difficult to make a sound snap decision.

Edited December 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

Neither of you really communicated very clearly. 

It is quite amazing to me that you both made assumptions without actually asking something simple like, "hey, where shall I meet you when I get off the plane? Where is the hotel we're staying that night?" or "what time shall I book your train from Barcelona to my village?"

Huge communication gaps and too many assumptions on both sides. Having said, how feasible is this relationship, really? It's very long-distance and you hardly see each other. 

[basil67]

No way could I drive for three hours after a long work day!  I’m surprised that you assumed he would do this.  I know it was your birthday, but birthdays don’t overcome logistical problems.  Instead of martyring yourself by getting a train, you should have stayed and rested for a day or two while making plans. 

As an aside, there are too many future plans being made when you barely know each other.  Just cool your heels a bit. 

Edited December 10, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, ciara_love said:

. The way that he asked made it seem like he was coming down to pick me up. 

Agree there is a lot of miscommunication. You claimed it was a birthday surprise for him but then expected him to drive 6 hours  to pick you up because it was your birthday as well. You also assumed he's get you a hotel as a birthday surprise for you. Please rethink if distance relationships are a good fit for you if you are hoping for this level of spontaneity, surprises and Disney like romance. Distance situations  require a lot of advance planning.

Edited December 10, 2023 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

Do you also have a language barrier?

[NuevoYorko]

On 12/9/2023 at 12:14 AM, ciara_love said:

Is this man showing love for this woman? Or is this a clear sign that he is not able to follow his words with his actions? Or is this a simple case of a misunderstanding? Is this woman overreacting? 

I have a suspicion that the OP is no longer interested in this conversation but if you are, OP,  I have a few thoughts.

YES you are over reacting, in a lot of different areas.

First, it's not a simple misunderstanding but it was a very easily avoidable one.   As a lot of people have said, it was straight up ... odd ... for you to assume as much as you did.

Next:  Basing your whole relationship on how this guy failed to read your mind is pretty farfetched.  

And follow up to that:  Why are you putting so much heavy weight on a connection that has been very short lived, long distance, with very limited time having been spent together?   And I am suspecting a language barrier as well?   

I mean ... love and marriage at this stage is a little fairytale-esque IMO.

Basically, if you want to pursue this relationship,  you need to be functioning with both feet on the ground and with BOTH of you making plans that you BOTH are on board with.   

I'm curious, as well:  How did your meeting in his remote village go, after all of this misunderstanding, travel, angst and disappointment?  I'm wondering if you're even still "together."

Edited December 10, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Els]

The 3rd person POV is a bit confusing, but I'll bite.

I'm assuming you are the woman in this scenario. I honestly feel like the fault lies with both people. The communication was extremely unclear, and honestly I have no idea how it's possible for a couple to survive with such horrible communication, especially when LDRs depends so much on it. A place to meet should have been discussed in advance, rather than assuming. It's strange to make presumptions about birthdays as well in a relationship of less than a year, but even if you did assume it was related to your birthday, surely you'd at least clarify where to MEET in order to get the birthday surprise going?

I think it's crummy of him to not make arrangements to meet you there, of course. But you made it so much worse for yourself than it had to be. If I were in your position and somehow such a gross miscommunication had occurred, I would just have booked a hotel at the airport.

Overall, low interest on his part, bad communication from both, a bit of overdramatization on your side... and honestly, LDRs are hard, especially transcontinental LDRs. What is it about him that makes you feel this is worth it, aside from the amorous declarations and promises that he makes?

[ciara_love]

I appreciate everyone's replies so much. 

To answer your questions, NuevoYorko: I totally accept responsibility for miscommunication on my part and do feel that I expected a bit much without clarifying my wants and desires to him beforehand. It is hard to read someone's mind. He is a bit passive as a man and this event touched into those fears I had been having about this man, that is basically not as assertive as I would like. That said, there is a lot that I love about him and he gives in many other ways. The meeting with him in Spain went well and so did his visit to LA a few weeks after. He was here in the US for 2 weeks. There is no language barrier with us as he is fluent in English. Our relationship began with a spiritual connection and both of us felt a way we had never felt before. Unfortunately, it feels like he was idealizing me quite a bit while I was seeing his "flaws" and still accepting him fully as a person. That said, I believe that he internalized my disappointment with him as a sign that he is not enough as a man and that he is not the right man for me, and he has since admitted that he feels some insecurities. I feel that I did overreact to his lack of making plans and if I could do it over again, I would not react to it towards him and just go with the flow instead, laughing about us both mixing up the details. I projected my worst fears onto him based on one action, and as a result it raised his worst fears and insecurities. It just shows that assuming anything makes an "ass" out of u and me! 

To answer your questions, Els, it is the amorous declarations and hours and hours of quality time over months on video and in person spending time together. He said I was the kind of woman that he always wanted to be with and that he wanted to love me more than anyone else ever had. This felt deeply resonant as I was neglected in childhood. I think that a lot of women would have run away when he told them he loved them so fast. It was a yellow flag for me but we did meet through a spiritual teacher and talk for months before we ever dated, so there was a foundation with some depth.

Thank you again for any insights into this issue!

[NuevoYorko]

What kind of spiritual teacher?  Like "twin flame universe"?  

[ciara_love]

Hi NuevoYorko, It was through a meditation teacher. Nothing too new-agey

[BaileyB]

I would say, people who engage in long distance relationships tend to do so for a reason and there are good reasons why most long distance relationships fail to develop into committed long term relationships. 

If I’m travelling that far to meet someone, I would hope that he would spend some effort to meet me “halfway.” That said, it sounds like you had a fairytale meeting in mind and you could have been a bit more specific with your expectations/planning. The fact that he failed to meet you could mean that there was a miscommunication or it could be an indication of his commitment and willingness to move this relationship from fantasy to reality. 

As others have said, you seem prematurely committed to this relationship. I would suggest that you manage your expectations to protect your heart.

Edited December 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

13 hours ago, ciara_love said:

Hi NuevoYorko, It was through a meditation teacher. Nothing too new-agey

I have no gripe with that ... but still wondering why a spiritual teacher would matchmake two people who live super far apart from each other.

Spiritual connection is crucial but actual physical reality is as well, if you're planning on experiencing your relationship in the tangible world.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I have no gripe with that ... but still wondering why a spiritual teacher would matchmake two people who live super far apart from each other.

Spiritual connection is crucial but actual physical reality is as well, if you're planning on experiencing your relationship in the tangible world.

I agree.  This makes no sense at all.