smackie9 Posted December 15, 2023 Share Posted December 15, 2023 If the love was intense, I too would expect him to take a train to meet and stay in Barcelona at an air bnb for some wining dining, flowers, dancing, etc at the 6 month mark of a relationship. Girl this guy ain't it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 15, 2023 Share Posted December 15, 2023 On 12/10/2023 at 5:12 PM, ciara_love said: we did meet through a spiritual teacher and talk for months before we ever dated, so there was a foundation with some depth. Unfortunately this can lead to idealized faux intimacy. And unfortunately as you experienced, you wanted to surprise him for his birthday but with an entirely assumed Disney scenario in your mind about what he was supposed to surprise you with. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 It doesn't matter if it was poor planning or not. You shown more effort and care by flying to see him, while he was not willing to do the same by driving to pick you up. That he hasn't seen their partner for several months and not be excited at the opportunity to pick you up at the airport and spend some alone time with you on your birthday is just sad. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ciara_love Posted December 18, 2023 Author Share Posted December 18, 2023 Thank you for all of your replies. Alpacalia, I agree that it is sad. I admit that it was poor communication on both of our parts, but I did let him know my flight arrival time 2 weeks prior to the date, and given that I was traveling on my birthday, it just seemed like not too much to want someone to meet me in Barcelona and celebrate. I appreciate all of your comments. The lessons I learned are 1) Ask the question: Are you going to pick me up? 2) Listen to my gut when it says that I want someone who will take initiative, plan ahead, and celebrate my birthday! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ciara_love Posted December 18, 2023 Author Share Posted December 18, 2023 Oh, and here is another lesson for myself and anyone else who wants it. Never ever play therapist to a man! I got the ticket to stop and visit him because he was very upset and distressed due to personal family stuff and I was worried about him. He was talking with me for several hours a day on the phone and I was helping him with his problems, showing support. So I gave a lot to him, and yes, I was hoping for some reciprocity. Another thing I have learned is to really really pay attention to all of the red and yellow flags in the beginning. If someone is showing you that they are emotionally unstable in any way in the first 3-6 months of a relationship, they are probably downplaying it. So it will only get worse. He is currently a mess and the relationship is all but over. Ladies, let men lead. That is another lesson learned. I always try to be grateful for these learning experiences, and remember! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 1 hour ago, ciara_love said: I got the ticket to stop and visit him because he was very upset and distressed due to personal family stuff and I was worried about him.. He is currently a mess and the relationship is all but over. Are you still in a relationship? You mentioned you were visiting him for his birthday, not to help him sort out problems. Why is he a mess right now? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 So, have you since called this off? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 4 hours ago, ciara_love said: He is currently a mess and the relationship is all but over Good. That you traveled all that way and he couldn't muster picking you up at the airport after not having seen each other for months and it being your birthday? He expects you to take a train to his village even though you're exhausted? Personally, I would be very disappointed. Glad he bought the train ticket, but that's the bare minimum. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 6 hours ago, ciara_love said: I admit that it was poor communication on both of our parts, but I did let him know my flight arrival time 2 weeks prior to the date, and given that I was traveling on my birthday, it just seemed like not too much to want someone to meet me in Barcelona and celebrate. It's not too much to want. It's definitely too much to plan international travel with several legs without ... making plans. Especially when you had your flights booked in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 9 hours ago, ciara_love said: I admit that it was poor communication on both of our parts, but I did let him know my flight arrival time 2 weeks prior to the date, and given that I was traveling on my birthday, it just seemed like not too much to want someone to meet me in Barcelona and celebrate. It doesn't matter what it "seemed" like. If neither of you bothered to clearly SAY what the plans are, then don't be upset when it gets all disorganized and messed up. You are still talking about assuming. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 18, 2023 Share Posted December 18, 2023 I said earlier that I couldn't drive for three hours after a long day at work, so if I couldn't get time off work, it would have been too much to ask of me. I know that my driving is poor when I'm tired, and my safety and the safety and other road users is more important to me than a the birthday of someone I care about. It boggles my mind that you'd expect him to drive 3 hours when you already knew he was tired. I've been in a car which rolled due to a tired driver on a long trip...it's not good! I would however have suggested you get a room in Barcelona and I'd be there by 9:30 am the next day. I think he did the right thing and that if you wanted a particular outcome, you should have planned earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 On 12/18/2023 at 4:09 AM, ciara_love said: . Another thing I have learned is to really really pay attention to all of the red and yellow flags in the beginning. He is currently a mess and the relationship is all but over. How did your visit end up? Did you break up? Are you still communicating? Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 On 12/18/2023 at 1:09 AM, ciara_love said: Another thing I have learned is to really really pay attention to all of the red and yellow flags in the beginning. It's interesting that you left this and all the other IMPORTANT issues out in your OP, and made it all about whether he should have driven 3 hours to pick you up because it was supposed to be a special birthday surprise. Turns out the guy is an emotional basket case, you had all the various flags waving in front of you, yet you proceeded full speed ahead. Not to even mention expecting a man who was evidently in some type of mental breakdown to drive 3 hours to pick you up and 3 hours home for a birthday surprise under those conditions. I think that the original question posed, which seemed to be "who was in the wrong," completely left out every important aspect of the story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 To be fair, many of us were trying to warn you about the overzealous amorous declarations at such an early stage... I don't think that "letting him lead" would have solved your problems, honestly. In the future, I'd recommend being more wary of what people claim to want, and observing their actions instead. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jackk5s Posted December 29, 2023 Share Posted December 29, 2023 (edited) The best option in this situation is for him to just call her a car and that's it, he misunderstood her and so as not to spoil the holiday, you can call for an airport transfer Edited December 29, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed hyperlink Link to post Share on other sites
Author ciara_love Posted January 11 Author Share Posted January 11 Thank you all for sharing your insights about this topic. It really helped me get over this relationship. It was full of miscommunication and I was ignoring some yellow/red flags for sure. Live and learn Link to post Share on other sites
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