Casey1990 Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 TL:DR - I've fallen for a co-worker who has a boyfriend. It's a long-distance relationship and has been for 2 years. Am I better off moving on or should I pursue it? Read on for the sordid details... So, she started 3 months ago, and I knew by the end of the first week that I was into her. Sure she's everything you'd want in a girl, beautiful, intelligent, witty, kind. However what attracts me the most is 1. How genuine she is. I know she's being herself around me and I can do the same 2. We share all the same quirks, anxieties and insecurities. Over the last 3 months I've come to love her. I know that if she wasn't spoken for I'd have a chance. Maybe I'm being arrogant in that statement, but I believe there is chemistry there. But I don't want to interfere in her current relationship. I'd be a terrible friend to do so. That being said, this weekend I made a stupid mistake. I've been at the point the last couple weeks where she occupies every idle moment of my mind. Last weekend we had our staff Christmas party. We spent all evening together talking, and she looked so beautiful. I didn't have the courage to say anything to her face, but once I got home, I texted her and confessed my feelings. It was a dumb act fueled simply by desire and I knew rejection was the only outcome. She said she appreciated the courage it took to tell her and valued my friendship, but was serious about her current relationship and happy in it. Work continued and she never acknowledged my text and behaved the same as ever. I admired her greatly for that and was content being her friend. But then something weird happened. I text one day she was off. A funny FB article I knew she'd find amusing. When she didn't reply, which she always did, I knew something was up. The next day she pulled me aside and asked me to not text her anymore. That given my feelings it was inappropriate to do so. I tried to pass it off as no big deal but it just aggravated her more. That she'd have to tell her boyfriend about me and that for their relationship to work the texting would have to stop. I still didn't understand, but said I'd respect her decision and we carried on with our day but I clearly wasn't in good form after that. I'm OK with not being with her. It hurts, but I've suffered through rejection before, and I can love her on her terms. But being asked not to text her anymore appeared to me as the first step of us growing apart. The thought of her no longer being my friend broke me She came to me at the end of the shift to clear the air. I explained my fears, and she said she wouldn't allow it to happen, but she needed me to see things from her point of view. This is the bit that is currently weighing on me... She said that she needs to work on her relationship with the bf. That if he knew that I was texting her, he'd get jealous and worry that she "was falling for me" because I see her more than he does. She also said that him being jealous would be her fault. I said I'd respect her request and value her too much as a friend to risk losing her and everything is back to normal again. For now So...rant over. Is her request weird? Is there something to her comments about her bf's jealousy. She's always spoken about him and their relationship positively but those comments threw me. Should I move on on or is there something worth pursuing? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 I'm not sure what the point of this post is. You confessed your feelings for her, she is in a relationship, she told you that she is committed to her relationship with her boyfriend, and she asked you to stop texting her because it is inappropriate. What part of that did you not understand? I know you have an intense crush on her, but she is not available and she has made that clear. She has set boundaries with you and clearly told you that you need to stop texting her. There is nothing left to do here but respect what she has told you, and STOP. 21 minutes ago, Casey1990 said: Should I move on on or is there something worth pursuing? Are you serious? If you continue to "pursue" her after she has told you that you need to stop, that makes you a creep who doesn't respect her boundaries. Since you are co-workers, you could get accused of sexual harassment, and rightly so. It's fine to have a crush. When you let the person know about your feelings, and they don't reciprocate the feelings, then you respect that and you back off. You don't keep pushing and pushing. That is really disrespectful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Casey1990 said: . The next day she pulled me aside and asked me to not text her anymore. That given my feelings it was inappropriate to do so. I tried to pass it off as no big deal but it just aggravated her more. It's ok to have work crushes but once a coworker asks you to stop contacting them, it's best to step far away and be professional. The last thing anyone needs is a sexual harassment complaint. Edited December 9, 2023 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 Her request shows she has boundaries. She was fine being your friend but she has a BF & wants to keep him. Once you confessed feelings for her, you changed the dynamic. You essentially became an orbiter, hanging around, hoping for your chance. That is disrespectful to her relationship & she has now shut you out. If you continue to pester her she may take it up with HR & you could be in hot water at work. Let it go. Be cordial at work but do yourself a favor & take her phone # out of your phone & disconnect from her on all social media platforms. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 1 hour ago, Casey1990 said: But I don't want to interfere in her current relationship. Yes you do, you gave it a red-hot go. Your question is "should I move on?". My reply is, move on from what? The embarrassment? You misinterpreted her attention and there was nothing there at her end other than friendship. To you it was the beginning of a grand romance, to her just friendly chat. I don't know about moving on so much as putting it behind you. It's never cool to declare 'feelings' someone who's in a relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 Turn this around and you will understand. Imagine that she's your girlfriend and some guy at her work (who she thought was just a friend) professed his love for her. I'd be very surprised if you found it appropriate for her to continue her friendship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 Of course her request is not weird, but smart. It's clear she's in love with her boyfriend and afraid to do anything that may come between them. She's correct that it is inappropriate to text and hangout with you because now she knows you have feelings for her. You need to get the message and stop all contact with this girl before you blow up her life. Stop being so selfish. There's nothing for you to move on from because all you have with this girl is a one-way crush. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 10, 2023 Share Posted December 10, 2023 (edited) 14 hours ago, Casey1990 said: Is her request weird? No, not at all. It's in fact a very appropriate reaction. She's trying to protect her relationship and she is right to request that you back off now. 14 hours ago, Casey1990 said: Should I move on on or is there something worth pursuing? What did you not understand about what she said? There is nothing to pursure. She essentially told you to stop. She is happy with her boyfriend and doesn't want to explore anything with you. If you keep "pursuing", you can be sure you will wind up blocked. It's time to realize that your feelings are desire aren't mutual. Let go, man. Edited December 10, 2023 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted December 11, 2023 Share Posted December 11, 2023 Yes, you should move on. What if this girl did leave her boyfriend for you? Wouldn't you always wonder whether she would end up doing the same to you? Don't get in the middle of someone else's relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 13, 2023 Share Posted December 13, 2023 (edited) How you acted through this whole thing is not appropriate. It's creepy to any woman to work at their job when a male co-worker is infatuated with them. All this chemistry between you was all your imagination. She was just being nice to a coworker and had no idea that this would be a result of being nice. This is so wrong. Here's the thing. You need some counselling on how to handle your emotions better. I get it, being lonely all the time is a contributing factor, but you need to learn some coping skills to change that energy. the fact that your solution is to keep being in love with her from afar. How does that sound to you? Does that sound any normal there? Leave her alone, stop having unhealthy infatuations, and put your energy into developing some solid friendships, find some interests to share with others, build a good social life to get rid of the loneliness, break free of this habit. get yourself sorted out with some therapy, get out and socialize, try a dating app or two, go out on some dates. Edited December 13, 2023 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
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