Heartbreak is one of the worst things you'll go through

[SomeoneTryingToGetThro]

I was in a relationship for 6 years but really I knew deep down after 2 years that it wasn't right. However, everyone around me was taking the next steps... getting engaged, buying houses, having babies. So what did I do? I did the same. I was with a kind, caring and loyal partner and I told myself every day that these are the things that matter most. I had a good person with good morals and on paper, was a good person to be with. So, we got engaged, we bought a house and we started talking about having kids. Deep down I knew this wasn't the person I wanted to be doing all these things with; there just wasn't the attraction and the love that I knew other couples had. I'd look at couples around me and see the genuine spark, love and attraction and I became envious that I didn't feel that with my partner. It was a constant battle in my head for 4 years of "I'm not in love" and "but she's a good person and we want the same things". Yes I loved her but no I wasn't "in love" with her. There is a big difference.

We were engaged for 3 years but I never made any wedding plans because I knew I didn't actually want to marry her. Honestly, I regretted the proposal.

Jump forward to Summer 2021 - I was at football training one evening and we had a new player attend. I was doing my laces when I heard a new voice so looked up to see who it was... Oh. My. God! As soon as I saw her, there was instant attraction! And the thing is, she wasn't even the standard drop dead gorgeous type or what people would class as conventionally attractive, but for me, I'd never felt instant attraction like it.

I didn't see this woman for a couple of months after that, we were in pre season so we had no matches and I'd only train on a Tuesday night. I guess I'd sort of forgotten about her; presumed she'd just decided to not stay at the club. Jump forward to early October 2021 - again, I was doing my laces when I heard a team mate say over my shoulder "What you doing here on a Tuesday? I thought you only trained on Thursdays". A voice from behind me said "I know, thought I'd mix it up this week"... I recognised the voice... it was her! I chatted to her a little bit during that training session, embarrassingly, I got her name wrong but we laughed about it.

I got home that evening, to my fiancee, and I started to feel s***. I knew I wasn't happy for a long time but now I knew I was attracted to someone else which doesn't feel nice when you have a good person at home that you do love in some capacity. I decided to try and ignore my attraction for the new woman at football and just be grateful for what I had at home.

Sunday came; match day. She was there of course and I couldn't stop myself from constantly looking over at her. We played the match and all headed to the pub afterwards. We ended up sitting with eachother and got chatting about life... s***, I liked her!

That evening, I went home and decided to send her a text to tell her how well she played. The conversation didn't go much further than that as I stopped myself getting flirty or doing anything I knew was wrong. But that night I couldn't sleep for thinking about her. It was about 4am and I sent her a follow request on Instagram. She was awake at the time as she was up for work early. We started messaging.

This went on for a couple of weeks and it became apparent that there were mutual feelings from both sides. We just hit it off and there was a spark - something I'd never felt before in previous relationships. We agreed to go out for a drink, see each other outside of football. Nothing physical happened and it wasn't a date, it was just drinks with a friend from football; that's what I tried telling myself to rid the guilt anyway.

Drinks went well, we got on amazingly and I just knew this level of attraction and spark was what I had been lacking in my current relationship.

The next day I had an honest conversation with my fiancee and told her that I hadn't been happy for a long time and that we weren't the right people for eachother. I think she knew it deep down too. We had spoken numerous times over the years about me not being happy but she always pulled it back by saying things would change; they never did. Anyway, we split up and she moved out of our home.

I then started a relationship with the new woman and it was perfect; it was everything I had ever hoped for in a relationship. It was passionate. It was exciting. It was intense. I loved her family and she loved mine. Her family loved me and my family loved her. She got on with my friends and I got on with hers. If we weren't with eachother, we were counting down the hours until we were. We would send eachother songs that reminded us of how we felt about eachother. We became best friends and the love just grew and grew day by day, week by week. It was the best relationship any of us had ever had and we were both finally genuinely happy. My friends and family would tell me "we've never seen you so happy". Her friends and family would tell her the same. It was perfect.

We spent 2022 exploring the world, going on amazing holidays and trips away. Making memories that would last a lifetime. We had so much fun together and it felt amazing, making the best memories with the best person. The relationship progressed and 2023 was our year! We had moved in with each other mid 2022 and in May 2023 we bought our future family home. A lovely house that we both fell in love with. We began the IVF process and were doing the shared parenthood option. They were going to be her eggs with me carrying. We went through a long IVF journey and were rewarded with 5 embryos, we were so excited to become parents. We spoke a lot about getting married and we both wanted to take that next step. In July 2023, I took her on a trip away to Switzerland. I hired a campervan and we spent the week travelling around the country; swimming in the most beautiful blue lakes, seeing the most stunning views and eating and drinking far too much food and wine. It was such an amazing trip but there was a reason I chose Switzerland. She loves a scenic view! She loves lakes and mountains and any view that's pleasing on the eye. So where better than Switzerland?

One evening we pulled over to set up for the night. Top of a cliff top with a view of a lake, a snowy mountain, a grass mountain and a stunning sunset. We set up the table and chairs outside of the van, cooked and ate dinner and started on the box of Italian blush. And that's when I did it... I proposed to the absolute love of my life. She said yes and we spent the rest of the holiday celebrating. We were so happy!

When we came home everything just felt perfect. We had our stunning new home, we were engaged and we had our future babies at the clinic, ready to start our family in early 2024. She got excited about wedding planning and within the month, we had the wedding booked for March 2024. That was our plan - married in March, pregnancy in April. It had all fallen into place and my life had never felt so happy. We were so affectionate and tactile with eachother. We would both work from home and couldn't last more than an hour without quickly jumping into bed for a quick cuddle. We would have lunch together every day, quick cuddle and then back to work. We would play football together three times a week, work from home on the same days, go to the gym together. We were just still so obsessed with each other and our lives became one. We were best friends and the perfect partnership. We enjoyed the same things, shared the same interests, liked the same music and TV programmes. We both loved going out for nice meals and drinks as much as an early night in bed. If we weren't cuddling in bed, we were cuddling on the sofa. If we were out and about, we were looking forward to getting home so we could get cosy.

Both of our sisters had just gone through break ups and we were laid in bed one morning when she said "please never split up with me. I could never lose you". She said this whilst holding me so tight that I could feel the love and the desperation to never lose what we had. I told her "I'd never leave you, I'm so happy" and we just cuddled. Fast forward no more than a month later and everything changed...

For a bit of context, I knew that before we met she was sleeping with someone else. Nothing serious as this other woman was straight, married to a man with two teenage kids. I never knew this woman's name though, I just knew they used to work together and it was over before we met. They haven't spoken or seen eachother since we got together. She was happy with me and this other woman would never leave her husband and kids.

In Septembet 2023, she was going on a weekend away with a group of her old work friends. I got a bit of a bad feeling and my gut was telling me that her old flame would be there and she just wasn't telling me. Then I'd give my head a shake and tell myself to stop being stupid, that she'd never do that. We're getting married, we're having kids, she wouldn't do that!

On the Friday she was away, I didn't hear from her all night. She was with her friends getting drunk, it's fine. But then there wasn't even the goodnight text. It really got me on edge - what was she doing? Why didn't she text me goodnight? Did she go to bed with someone?

The next morning she text me to apologise but I didn't accept the apology. I was annoyed at the disrespect and it started raising doubts in my mind what she had been up to and if this old flame was in fact there with her. Were they rekindling things?

I didn't speak to her all of Saturday as I was annoyed with her. She came home on the Sunday evening and we argued about the way she was on the Friday night. She told me I was too jealous and too paranoid and ended up telling me it was over because she can't be with someone who doesn't trust her. I was heartbroken! I begged her not to do this and told her that I'd work on my jealousy and that I was sorry for doubting her.
We stayed living together for a few weeks after the break up and I beat myself up every single minute of every day for letting myself lose her and everything we had due to me being paranoid about something that was completely fabricated in my own head. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I'd lost two stone and couldn't focus on anything. I was so annoyed at myself!

One night before I was due to move out that weekend, I questioned her again if there was anyone else. She kept reassuring me that there wasn't and reaffirming this is the reason she'd left me, because I didn't trust her. Again I was annoyed at myself for even asking because all I'd done is made her more adamant that I was too paranoid for her to be with me. I just couldn't shake the gut feeling that there was someone else and who this person was.

After hours of talking, she FINALLY admitted it. She told me there was someone else. She told me it was the woman she was sleeping with before we got together. She told me that they rekindled things on this weekend away in September. I f***ING KNEW IT! *side note... always trust your gut!*

I didn't get angry. I didn't scream and shout. I didn't call her every name under the sun. I just sat and listened and tried to understand it. I tried to understand where her head was at and empathise with what she was going through. I decided to leave the house that morning and accept the split for what it was. There was no point trying to fix things and work on myself when I know now that I don't have anything to work on. My guy instinct was right. I'm not this jealous, paranoid person, I could just feel my intuition.

What I couldn't understand is why she left me for her... this woman didn't tick any of her boxes, yet I ticked all of them. This other woman is older, 42 years old. She was straight which is something my ex said she'd never do again. She was still married to a man, something my ex said she'd never do again. She has two teenage kids, something my ex said she'd never do again. She lives quite a drive away so my ex would have to move over there, something she said she'd never do again. The new woman won't have any more kids, yet my ex wanted kids. She doesn't want to get married again, yet my ex wanted marriage. And more than anything, we were happy! It's not as if we'd fallen out of love and the relationship started going south; we were amazing and we were still so in love with eachother. So why the f*** is she leaving me, someone she adores and will give her the life she wanted for someone that can't give her any of those things? None of it made sense to me and it still doesn't. Like I say, I'd understand if things had got bad between us but that couldn't have been further from the reality.

We were speaking a lot after I moved out of the house and she was telling me things like "I still love you", "I know I'm going to regret this one day", "everyone thinks I've been an idiot", "I've still not given up on the idea of having kids", "things were so good with us" "there are so many red flags with this new relationship and her life", "I can't not have you in my life"... you get the idea. All these things that made me believe we had a chance of getting back together. I thought she'd realise how much she had f***ed up and come back to me. But the reality was, she had chosen her. I don't know why she was saying all these things to me and sending me photos of us on holidays because her decision was to be with her. One thing I've realised is that actions speak louder than words and if someone wants to, they will. These are two important things to remember.

They can say all the right things to make you believe you still have a chance, but her actions were to stay with the new woman. She was spending all her time with her and getting into a new relationship with her, not coming back to me. If someone wants to work on things and try and get back together, they will. If they aren't taking the actions to make that happen, then don't really want to. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. THE. BREADCRUMBS! It took me a long time to even start the healing process because for 2 months I was falling for her breadcrumbs and clinging on to false hope. It delayed my healing process and made me even worse. I lost more weight, had more sleepless nights, became obsessed over where she was and when she was with her. I'd drive back to our house to see if the new woman's car was there and of course it was! I was driving myself insane and into depression. My best advice is just to move on as best as you can. Don't rush into any rebound relationships, but get on the dating sites, chat to new people, go out for harmless dates. It's a distraction and an ego boost of nothing else. But DO NOT rush into another relationship before you've healed, all you'll do is hurt yourself and hurt new people who don't deserve it. If you're not ready, don't rush it. I went on a date with a woman, had a lovely time and laughed a lot; it took my mind off my ex and got me excited about the possibility of being happy with someone else. But at the end of the night we had a good old snog. For me, that was too much too soon. I felt like s*** about it the next day. It just felt wrong so I never saw her again. Fast forward a few weeks, I went on another date. I really fancied her, we got on really well and I ended up going back to her house after the date and sleeping with her. Again, this was too much too soon for me and I felt like s*** about it the next day and never saw her again. What I'm trying to say is that if you rush things too soon, it won't help anything, in fact, it will make you feel worse. Go on the dates, enjoy the company but don't rush anything past that. Take your time and take it as slowly as you need.

I did the no contact rule with my ex. I told her time and time again that we couldn't speak or see eachother anymore but she said she couldn't leave me alone. She asked if we could still text and if we could maybe see eachother just once a week. At first I agreed because having her in my life a little bit felt easier than losing her all together. But that was the wrong thing to do. I couldn't just sit on the sidelines, watching her start a new life with someone new whilst I was struggling to get over the breakup and move on; so I went into no contact. She's text me a couple of times since but I just ignored the messages.

When I did see her a couple of weeks after we split up, she told me the reason that she has gone back to an old flame is because she was always going to be that "what if" and that she couldn't be with me when she'd always wonder what it would have been like with her and having a real chance with this woman that was previously a forbidden fruit. As much as it hurt me, I did my best to understand it, and I guess I did understand it to be honest. But what I couldn't understand is how she could be in a happy relationship with her when I was now the "what if". The life and the future family with me is a far greater loss or "what if" than a life with the new woman.

Another question I had was "why do what if's matter if you're happy with your current life and partner"? But she couldn't answer that question.

The thing with my ex is that she's a bit of a narcissist. She had a fling with someone that she couldn't have. Narcissists want what they can't have and they like the chase. She was turned down by this woman because she chose her husband but now she has a chance with her again. I guess for a narcissist, that temptation is just too strong.

My ex is also the type of person that is always looking for the next thing. This is in her career, house, holidays, partners and life in general. She can't stay stagnant or she gets miserable. With us, we wouldn't have been stagnant, we had things coming up next and there would always have been the next step... we bought the house, then it was supposed to be marriage, then it was supposed to be the first child and then the second. We would have been watching our children grow and develop year on year; going through each milestone as they came. Then grandchildren... life would have always been moving. Her life with the new woman will look the same next year as it will in 10 years time. There won't be kids, there won't be marriage, there won't be those next steps. Whereas with us, our life would have taken so many more steps 10 years from now. I know my ex better than anyone and she will get bored in a stagnant relationship that has no progression or next steps.

Maybe her new girlfriend is genuinely the one that got away and maybe they will make it work long term. Perhaps they were meant for eachother and I was just a stop gap and a blip in their story. Only time will tell. Maybe one day that relationship will come to an end because the fundamentals aren't there and the initial attraction and honeymoon period naturally comes to an end. Perhaps one day she'll think "what have I done" and try and come back to me. Again, only time will tell.

Why did I write this? I wrote this because every article, forum, youtube video, podcast I have seen always talks about being left for someone else because they weren't happy anymore or because the relationship wasn't good. That isn't always the case and it certainly wasn't in my situation. We were so in love, we were so happy and the relationship was perfect. I know you may be reading this thinking "well it can't have been". I'm telling you it was, and that isn't me being deluded or trying to convince myself; it genuinely was.

But there are just people out there, usually narcissistic people who cannot resist temptation, especially for someone who once rejected them. Always looking for what's next and probably have bad commitment issues. Do I know I deserve better than her? Yes I do. But does that mean I don't want her back and wouldn't do anything to be with her again? No it doesn't. It's hard to let go of someone you love and it's hard to let go of an amazing life that you once had. Even now, I am clinging on to the hope that her new relationship will fizzle out, come crashing down and she'll realise that it should have been me all along. Some people may read this and think "what a mug". But the thing is, I'm a really understanding person. As much as I've been hurt in this situation, I understand her position in this. How can she commit to marrying me and having children with me when she questions her life with an old flame that she never really got a chance with. I believe the best thing I can do is let her answer that "what if". It will go one of two ways... either they are meant for eachother, it will go well and they'll live a happy life with eachother. Or, it won't work out, she'll have the answer to that "what if" and she'll never have to question it or doubt it again. If that were to be the outcome, maybe we'll reconnect in the future. Maybe I will have moved on by then and be happy in a new relationship and never want her back. Or maybe I'll still be single and in a place to try again with us. For now I just need to let her do what she needs to do and move on with my own life; be open to starting again with someone new.

I'm not going to write on here that I'm okay now, I'm over it and I'm the happiest I've ever been. That's not the truth. The truth is that I'm still grieving immensely. I miss her every single day, I still cry, if I'm being honest I'm probably depressed, I've not put the weight back on, I still don't sleep that well, I'm constantly anxious, I dread the weekends when I know she'll be with her. I enjoy going to bed because I know I've got through another day but I dread waking up because it's another day I need to get through. I'm naturally a really outgoing, fun, happy person but right now I'm not living, I'm just existing. I feel like i'm never going to be the person I was and I feel like I'll never be that level of happy again. It has affected all of my relationships because I've turned into this miserable person and nobody has ever known me as that. But despite all of that, I'm staying strong with no contact. I don't reach out to her and sometimes she feels like a stranger to me now.

At first I struggled to accept that it was the end of our story. But what I've come to terms with a little bit more is that perhaps we were just chapters in each other's stories and I still have a lot of other chapters left in mine. I'm trying to focus on MY story rather than OUR story. I will have my happy ending one day and if she was just a chapter, it may just be my favourite chapter but it will never be more than that.

I guess this is karma. I left my ex partner to be with someone else and now the same has happened to me. The difference was, I knew me and my ex partner were wrong for eachother, the relationship became miserable and we didn't have fun together. But how can I feel sorry for myself and expect others to feel sorry for me when all that's happened is karma has come around and bitten me in the arse.

I hope one day I can add to this and say "we got back together. We got married. We had kids. We're happy again" or "I've moved on and I'm genuinely happy with someone else now" but right now, I can't say any of those things. I'm just taking it one day at a time and hoping that I'll eventually reach the end of the road.

I never chose this path, I was forced on to it. It's a long and hard road to recovery but I will never get to the other side if I stand still. I need to take it one painful step at a time and eventually the end will be in sight and one day I'll be off of this road, on to the next and starting my new journey. My advice is to do your best to not stand still. Even if it's small steps, take them, one at a time and eventually things will be better.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, SomeoneTryingToGetThro said:

  I left my ex partner to be with someone else and now the same has happened to me. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like a grass is greener situation gone terribly wrong.

It seems like you were trying to settle down when you weren't ready. Neither of these women seem like the right one.

One was a security blanket, the other was an adventure.  Try to put the past behind you. You seem to have gained a lot of insight from the situation and that may serve you well in the future.

[stillafool]

I think your ex partner feels the same about you as you did about your previous partner.  Everything is perfect except she isn't in love with you, but loves you.  She was probably still thinking about this married woman when being intimate with you.  Did the married woman get a divorce?

[Alpacalia]

It turns out the woman you left your fiance for chose not to continue the relationship, leading to the aftermath you're dealing with now. It seems both of you fell into a similar trap of uprooting lives for something new and potentially better, but sadly, it doesn't always turn out as hoped.

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time, and I don't think it's helpful to vilify your ex. Both of you made choices that likely hurt other people and yourselves. It's a really sad situation and everyone's a victim in it. Take a good break from relationship and see how you feel.

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, SomeoneTryingToGetThro said:

I hope one day I can add to this and say "we got back together. We got married. We had kids. We're happy again" or "I've moved on and I'm genuinely happy with someone else now"

I hope so too .  

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, stillafool said:

I think your ex partner feels the same about you as you did about your previous partner.

I was coming to write the same thing. 

It's not karma, OP. It's just that both you and your now-ex apparently didn't feel strongly enough to stay: you wirh your previous ex, and your now-ex with you. Whatever makes her tick wasn't there for her, at least not enough to keep this going for a lifetime. The same was evidently true for you with your previous partner as well. 

Neither of these women were right for you, in the end. I get why this hurts, to be very clear. I am sure you didn't see it coming and it will take a long time to heal. But I think when you do, and you are seeing things more objectively, you may start to identify signs that things were not as idyllic as you think,