Sharing passwords (She changed hers)

[Pwebster]

My wife and I have been together some 20 years and there have been some trust issues in the past, long ago.  We have worked through them and are still together to this day.  A number of years ago I decided to finish my degree so I went back to school.  I got a refund back on my financial aid so I purchased a laptop.  It was top of the line back then but some 10 or so years later it was just old and outdated.  Although it still worked fine, just a little slow.  I had been wanting a new one but just couldn't afford it at the time.  Last year my wife upgraded her laptop.  She had a password / code on it but since it was her laptop and I had my own I never bothered her about it.  My laptop didn't have a password on it.  We do a lot of zoom meetings and would use mine but again, it was old and not the best.  So when she upgraded hers we would use her laptop for zoom meetings and things like that.  She had a passcode on it but she gave it to me to log into her laptop so I could set it up for whatever zoom meeting we had.  She never got on camera so she would always sit on the sofa while I was on camera.  About a month ago I was able to finally upgrade my old laptop.  The one I ordered was apparently no longer in stock so they upgraded me to a laptop with the fingerprint scanner.  Yeah, I set the fingerprint reader and put a code on it as a backup.  Let me say this.  I never used my wife's laptop for anything other than zoom meetings.  We are not the type of couple to just use each other's devices: cellphone, tablet, or laptop.  I've never been the type of guy to say, "Hey honey, can I use your cell phone, my battery is about to die?"  Or she's never been the type to say, "Can I borrow your laptop so I can listen to some music?"  We're just not that type of couple.  She has her devices and I have mine.  I never let my phone get below a certain battery life and she isn't really big on downloading music or anything.  Anyway . . . 

 

This arrangement worked fine up until I got my new laptop.  Last week I was on my laptop trying to pay a bill but when I logged into the website and tried to pay the bill it wasn't letting me put in my card information.  My wife was off that day so she was out running errands.  I called the utility company to see if they were having problems with their site.  They said no.  I tried to access their app on my phone but was still getting the same issue.  I thought to myself, "let me try on the wife's laptop."  I grab her laptop, power it on, and put in the passcode.  It gave me an error message.  I tried again and still the same thing.  So I text her to ask if she had changed her passcode and she said yes.  I asked her why she did that and this was her reply.  "Well, you have a passcode on yours and you've not giving me the code so why do you need access to mine?"  I was taken aback by that.  She has never asked me to use my laptop.  Reason being, she has her own.  There was never a time when she asked me tp use it that I said to her no.  Now let's back track.  My old laptop was never password protected.  When she got hers she put a passcode on it.  I had access to it since we used hers for zoom meetings but when I got mine and put a passcode on it then she decided to change hers no longer giving me access to here . . . not that I wanted or needed to have access to her laptop.  I never touch her laptop only in necessity.  Like I said, I was trying to pay a bill and was having issues with mine and the app on my phone.  That's the only reason I grabbed her laptop.  

 

Do you think couples should share passwords to their devices?  Yes, we share passwords to things like utility bills, streaming services, etc but things like personal devices we don't share because we don't just use each other's devices like that.  I'm not going to use her cell phone because mine is dead or not close to me.  She's not going to just use my laptop because hers is in another room.  Do you find it strange that she changed her password to her laptop simply because I have one on mine?  Granted, she put the passcode on her laptop first last year when she got it.  And, she's never asked me to use my new one and I told her no.  

[NuevoYorko]

No.  I believe people who are married or otherwise committed are entitled to privacy.  When I am exploring some of my thoughts or feelings through writing, that is not meant for anyone else's eyes unless I specifically choose it to be.

 

[stillafool]

I have no problem giving my husband passcodes to anything I own and vice versa.  However, we never ask each other.

[BaileyB]

My partner and I do not know each others passcode to our laptops or phones. We have recently talked about the fact that maybe we should, only because it would be convenient if something happened to one of us. But generally, I feel that unless there is a reason not to trust the other, there should be an expectation that there is some privacy even in a long term relationship. And even then, I have no interest in monitoring my partners activity. If the trust has been broken to that extent, I would really be considering whether to stay in the relationship.

Edited December 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[Pwebster]

33 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

No.  I believe people who are married or otherwise committed are entitled to privacy.  When I am exploring some of my thoughts or feelings through writing, that is not meant for anyone else's eyes unless I specifically choose it to be.

 

I fully agree with you that people, even in marriages, are entitled to a level of privacy.  Many don't believe that.  I'm not snooping through her internet history or checking her text messages for a name or number I don't recognize.  There have been times when we're be sitting on the sofa watching TV and I'll get a text message, look at it, then put my phone back down.  She'll turn to me and say, "who was that?"  I'll look at her and say, "it was for me."  That pissed her off because i didn't just come out and tell her who it was.  Not that I was hiding anything but if the person texting me wanted her to know they would have added her to the text.    Her phone can be sitting next to me ringing and I won't touch it.  I'll yell to her that her phone is ringing.  No, I'm not going to answer her phone.  They called her not me.  

[Will am I]

49 minutes ago, Pwebster said:

So I text her to ask if she had changed her passcode and she said yes.  I asked her why she did that and this was her reply.  "Well, you have a passcode on yours and you've not giving me the code so why do you need access to mine?"

A simple observation: you guys still have trust issues.

[Pwebster]

38 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I have no problem giving my husband passcodes to anything I own and vice versa.  However, we never ask each other.

And I don't have a problem giving her mine.  The thing is that she never asked.  She just changed her passcode because I put one on my new laptop.  

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Pwebster said:

She just changed her passcode because I put one on my new laptop.  

She has the right to do that.

The bigger problem here seems to be a lack of communication and trust. 

Edited December 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Pwebster said:

 Do you find it strange that she changed her password to her laptop simply because I have one on mine?  

Not strange at all.  It goes both ways. Same way you wouldn't open someone's mail or just walk in on them when they're in the bathroom.

Never share toothbrushes or pass codes and you'll both be a lot happier and healthier.  

[Pwebster]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

She has the right to do that.

The bigger problem here seems to be a lack of communication and trust. 

I don't think it was a matter of trust.  Again, my old laptop never had a passcode on it.  The new laptop I just wanted to play around with the fingerprint scanner so I put the scan and code on my new laptop.  She's never asked me to use mine and I said no.  She just changed her passcode simply because I put one on my new laptop.  She's had her passcode on hers for a year and it's never bothered me in the least.  But now that I have one on mine there is an issue for her.

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, Pwebster said:

And I don't have a problem giving her mine.  The thing is that she never asked.  She just changed her passcode because I put one on my new laptop.  

Well did she eventually give you the passcode to her laptop?

[Pwebster]

49 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well did she eventually give you the passcode to her laptop?

Yes, because I was trying to pay a bill.  And even several days later she's not said anything to me about me giving her the passcode to my laptop.  Why?  Because she has no desire to use it at all.  She made an issue out of it then because it was on her mind then.  It's not affected her in the least since then.

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Pwebster said:

There have been times when we're be sitting on the sofa watching TV and I'll get a text message, look at it, then put my phone back down.  She'll turn to me and say, "who was that?"  I'll look at her and say, "it was for me."  

Yeah like other poster said, you still do have trust issues.   Your response comes off as borderline passive-aggressive, to me anyway.   Why not just tell her who it was, unless she is intrusive generally and you have to overprotect your boundaries?  That is a problem in and of itself.

All of this concern over the passwords after 20 years of marriage does indicate some problems.  

[basil67]

We are that couple who shares devices, so yes, we have each other's passwords.  

4 hours ago, Pwebster said:

I don't think it was a matter of trust.  Again, my old laptop never had a passcode on it.  The new laptop I just wanted to play around with the fingerprint scanner so I put the scan and code on my new laptop.  She's never asked me to use mine and I said no.  She just changed her passcode simply because I put one on my new laptop.  She's had her passcode on hers for a year and it's never bothered me in the least.  But now that I have one on mine there is an issue for her.

I really don't understand the problem.   You passworded your computer, so why do you have a problem with her doing the same?   

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Pwebster said:

.  There have been times when we're be sitting on the sofa watching TV and I'll get a text message, look at it, then put my phone back down.  She'll turn to me and say, "who was that?"  I'll look at her and say, "it was for me."  That pissed her off because i didn't just come out and tell her who it was.  

This seems like antagonistic game playing. Perhaps you two are in a power struggle and the guessing games and passcode incidents are just symptoms of that? Please try to pick your battles. 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Pwebster said:

She'll turn to me and say, "who was that?"  I'll look at her and say, "it was for me."  That pissed her off because i didn't just come out and tell her who it was.

I missed this and I agree that your response is passive aggressive.  While I can't speak for other couples, conversationally asking "who was that?" is not uncommon in my place.  I wouldn't ask if he wasn't sitting next to me, but if the text just interrupted our conversation or TV viewing, it then becomes a question.   

 

3 hours ago, Pwebster said:

And even several days later she's not said anything to me about me giving her the passcode to my laptop.  Why?  Because she has no desire to use it at all.  She made an issue out of it then because it was on her mind then.  It's not affected her in the least since then.

You didn't give her your password, so she followed your lead because it made sense to her.  I really can't see a problem with this.  Interesting that it's not affected her since, but you're here writing about it.  Do you tend to ruminate on things and make issues bigger than they really are?

I suspect that passwords and refusal to engage over who just messaged are tip of the iceberg when it comes to problems in your marriage.  

Edited December 11, 2023 by basil67

[CaliforniaGirl]

I actually think some privacy is normal and healthy.

However, her response seems strange.

My husband does have all my passwords and it's for the reason you've stated. You never know when the other person will need to look something up or pay a bill, need to look up a teacher, or whatever.

But I am two ways about the whole passwords thing. Yes, it's a privacy thing. But it's also a trust thing...does she not trust you? Does she not trust herself? I would sit down and ask her to explain what she meant about your passcode. I don't know why you didn't ask her at the time.

It's possible too during this stage of life that she just feels like she wishes she had something all her own. That's another possiblity. It might have nothing to do with having secrets, per se. I know that feeling so well. Especially having been both a wife and mother. At this stage of life I felt like I was at everyone's disposal all the time and was forced to reveal everything about home and family (with school) and everywhere in my entire life (in-laws wanting every detail about the kids, etc.) and I just had NOTHING that was mine alone. I did change my passwords at that time but within a day or two my husband already needed my phone so I just told him what the PWs were. 

[ShyViolet]

No I don't think partners are entitled to have all each other's passwords to devices.  I don't care how long you have been together, that seems intrusive and unhealthy.  Just because you are married, that doesn't mean you give up all privacy and all rights to be your own, separate person.  I would never give my personal passwords to anyone.  I think you have major insecurity issues for this to even have been a question.

[Wiseman2]

Share household account passwords, not device passcodes. That's like opening someone's mail. Respect boundaries, privacy and each other as individuals a bit more. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 hours ago, Pwebster said:

I fully agree with you that people, even in marriages, are entitled to a level of privacy.  Many don't believe that.  I'm not snooping through her internet history or checking her text messages for a name or number I don't recognize.  There have been times when we're be sitting on the sofa watching TV and I'll get a text message, look at it, then put my phone back down.  She'll turn to me and say, "who was that?"  I'll look at her and say, "it was for me."  That pissed her off because i didn't just come out and tell her who it was.  Not that I was hiding anything but if the person texting me wanted her to know they would have added her to the text.    Her phone can be sitting next to me ringing and I won't touch it.  I'll yell to her that her phone is ringing.  No, I'm not going to answer her phone.  They called her not me.  

All right, wait a minute, if you can't even tell your wife who called then it's no wonder she doesn't trust you.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

While I can't speak for other couples, conversationally asking "who was that?" is not uncommon in my place. 

This also happens in my house - not often, but if we are doing something together and one of our phones is going off repeatedly, the other will ask who it is and what is happening. If my partner responded in the way OP responded, I would be pretty annoyed. That kind of response is not necessary… it’s not respectful.

Edited December 12, 2023 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

Almost 34 years together and no we don't share PWs but we are so predictable we both can guess what each others Pws are anyways. Our computers are wide open/no PWs. Never had a reason to share. We don't share each others phones either. If there was ever a need, we ask for permission out of respect.

I don't know what's going on with you guys but there seems to be paranoia and a problem with communication.

[Pwebster]

On 12/11/2023 at 6:49 PM, ShyViolet said:

No I don't think partners are entitled to have all each other's passwords to devices.  I don't care how long you have been together, that seems intrusive and unhealthy.  Just because you are married, that doesn't mean you give up all privacy and all rights to be your own, separate person.  I would never give my personal passwords to anyone.  I think you have major insecurity issues for this to even have been a question.

That's the thing.  I wasn't trying to use her computer to snoop. I was trying to pay a bill online and my laptop wasn't working or there was a problem with the bill site.  I've known for a while that she had a password on her laptop and I had access to her password to use if need be.  I needed to set it up for our zoom meeting, or, like I said, to pay a bill.  I just set one up on mine when I purchased my new one. because it had this cool fingerprint scanner on it, not to lock her out of it.  I always knew the password to her laptop until she changed it when I got mine.  No, I wasn't trying to hide anything from her.  She changed hers simply because she didn't have access to mine.  But the thing is this, she never asked me for my password.  

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Pwebster said:

.  She changed hers simply because she didn't have access to mine.  

Seems fair enough. You can always contact customer service or try other things without needing to use her devices. Somehow you seem to make it sound like yours is locked because of a cool fingerprint scanner and hers is locked out of spite, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

A lot of devices sites and apps recommend or even require changing passwords. Especially if there have been several unsuccessful attempts to log in. 

Edited January 16 by Wiseman2