Just Don't Get Her

[Acacia98]

OP, setting aside your anxiety (which you really need to address for your own sake), you sound like someone to whom regular and consistent communication matters a lot. She sounds different from you. So it is possible that the two of you are not compatible.

If you continue dating, you should remain aware of the differences that exist between you and seriously consider whether you will be a good match in the long-term. It's great to love and to be loved, but there is also the practical aspect of being together. Certain character traits can make two people a not-so-great match for each other, even if they are both great people who genuinely care about each other.

[Calmandfocused]

Eric am I right in thinking there’s been a 2 week gap between your last 2 dates with this lady? 
 

If I am right in my calculations this is yet another clue that this situation is not going anywhere fast. 
 

I still think you’re trapped in a fantasy Eric and that you’re flogging a dead horse. 
 

I do agree that texting has very little relevance in the context of early dating. It is a communication method, but that’s all it is. 
 

Notwithstanding the above, I can tell you 100% that if I was interested in a man there is no way I would not reply to his text for 24 hours.

The fact that she has ignored your last  text speaks volumes IMO. 
 

I’m sorry this is not working out how you hoped Eric but I don’t think you’re being kind to yourself with how you’re navigating this situation. 

Next time, try a phone call and stop being so reliant/ obsessive about texts. 

[ericw899]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you asking her out for New Year's or saying anything worthwhile in these texts? 

I finally got a text from her last night. She said she was in Pennsylvania with her family and will be home today. I texted back and asked if she would like to go out tomorrow and celebrate the New Year together. Still no answer

[ericw899]

7 hours ago, FredEire said:

I won't claim to have read ever single update in this story but from what I've read it seems like it's gone way too slow and you're still getting excited about having a small kiss after I don't know how many dates and time invested. Personally I think after maximum 3/4 dates it's should at the very least be clear you're really into eachother and you're talking more and more, otherwise of course it's going to devolve into a bland time pass, and it seems that's what's happened.

I would just move on. If she doesn't text again leave it there, if she makes another half-hearted effort to reach out just politely say you don't think it's going anywhere and wish her the best.

Fwiw don't agree necessarily about the language barrier. It's not helpful obviously but in the right match it can actually provide some intrigue and make things more interesting. I think this just isn't it, it would probably be almost as lethargic even if she was a native English speaker.

Yes I agree things are a bit slower than I would have hoped. We have had longer more intimate kisses and one makeout session, but I would like more. I think part of it is, she seems very reserved and old fashioned and she has been hurt in the past so I think she prfers to take it slow. Also, her mother appears to be very strict from what I can tell. When we go out at night her mom makes her come home by 11:30 the latest. Also on our last date, when I dropped her off and gave her a kiss goodbye, she got nervous as she thought maybe her mother could see through the window. It may be a culutral thing, as I don't know too much about Ecuadorian culture. I did have a similar experience with an Ecudorian girl I dated a few years ago where she was very reserved also and hard to get physical with perhaps out of timidness. Then finally yes the language barrier plays its role too. Its a little hard to connect deeper but we seem to enjoy our company when we're together.

[ericw899]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Eric am I right in thinking there’s been a 2 week gap between your last 2 dates with this lady? 
 

If I am right in my calculations this is yet another clue that this situation is not going anywhere fast. 
 

I still think you’re trapped in a fantasy Eric and that you’re flogging a dead horse. 
 

I do agree that texting has very little relevance in the context of early dating. It is a communication method, but that’s all it is. 
 

Notwithstanding the above, I can tell you 100% that if I was interested in a man there is no way I would not reply to his text for 24 hours.

The fact that she has ignored your last  text speaks volumes IMO. 
 

I’m sorry this is not working out how you hoped Eric but I don’t think you’re being kind to yourself with how you’re navigating this situation. 

Next time, try a phone call and stop being so reliant/ obsessive about texts. 

Well the reason for the 2 week gap is because I work M-F 7-4 and she works M-F 4-12. So it only leaves Saturday and Sunday. Usually she's with her family on Sundays so it only leaves Saturdays for dates for the most part, and last Saturday I had other plans. We usually only go out every 10-17 days but all the dates have been pretty good and have progressively gotten a little better and more comfortable with each other. For example our last date I put my arm around her and she laid her head on my chest. This was the first time shes done that. I know it doesn't sound like much and honestly if she was a regular old english speaking american woman and we were moving at this pace I would've walked away. But due to the obsticles of language barrier, cultural differences, tough work schedules, her being a mom and her being shy in general, I'm willing to take it slow. I think she is an extremely respectable woman and the last thing I want to do is overstep a boundary with her because I respect her a lot and I'm confident when the time is right it could lead to something deeper (like sex) but right now that's not even my number one concern. All I'm asking for is after I take her out and we have a nice time, we at least maintain some type of meaningful text conversation in between our dates, and I feel like I'm not asking for a lot. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, ericw899 said:

. When we go out at night her mom makes her come home by 11:30 the latest. Also on our last date, when I dropped her off and gave her a kiss goodbye, she got nervous as she thought maybe her mother could see through the window. 

She's a single parent and obviously the mother is babysitting when she goes out on dates with you. Perhaps it's time to reflect if you are compatible.

Between the cultural differences, language barrier, her being a single working mother and your need for constant texting and immediate replies it seems like a frustrating situation.

You're not "asking for a lot", you're just dating the wrong woman. 

[ericw899]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's a single parent and obviously the mother is babysitting when she goes out on dates with you. Perhaps it's time to reflect if you are compatible.

Between the cultural differences, language barrier, her being a single working mother and your need for constant texting and immediate replies it seems like a frustrating situation.

You're not "asking for a lot", you're just dating the wrong woman. 

When did I say I expect constant texting and immediate responses? I literally answer her texts when she messages me and just wait 24 hours or more when she responds back, then I will answer her. I don't think anyone who is looking to build a serious relationship would be ok with having to wait this long between messages especially when trying to plan a date. I don't think this is a situation of her just not being a texter, or phone person since I do see her on social media sometimes. I think it comes down to her just not being in to me when we're not together, but its frustrating and confusing because when we're together things go very well

[Alpacalia]

She is 100% being honest here with you when she said she is hesitant to be with someone after such a long time.

My advice is to not reach out to her anymore. If she's interested, she will make an effort to reach out to you or respond in a timely manner.

In the future, try to pay attention to actions rather than words. Just because someone is physically affectionate or uses terms of endearment doesn't necessarily mean they have strong feelings for you.

You've been dating since June. 

At this point, just give her some space and focus on yourself. If she reaches out more, great. If not, you can move on and find someone who is on the same page as you and showing consistent interest.

Edited January 1, 2024 by Alpacalia

[ericw899]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

My advice is to not reach out to her anymore. If she's interested, she will make an effort to reach out to you or respond in a timely manner.

In the future, try to pay attention to actions rather than words. Just because someone is physically affectionate or uses terms of endearment doesn't necessarily mean they have strong feelings for you.

You've been dating since June. 

At this point, my advice would be to just give her some space and focus on yourself. If she reaches out more, great. If not, you can move on and find someone who is on the same page as you and showing consistent interest.

But if affection or terms of endearment do not equal interest than what am I looking for? I mean from where I come from, I don't kiss girls or call girls baby who I'm not interested in. I really just don't understand women and I'm beyond frustrated. I really want to call her out and just give up on dating all together.

Edited January 1, 2024 by ericw899

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, ericw899 said:

But if affection or terms of endearment do not equal interest than what am I looking for?

Someone who's keen to be in contact with you and spending time with you.   Someone who matches you in enthusiasm

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, ericw899 said:

. I really want to call her out and just give up on dating all together.

"Call her out" for what? Being herself? Perhaps it's time to stop trying to force fit this into your specific ideals of how things "should" be and realize you're just not compatible. 

[ericw899]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

"Call her out" for what? Being herself? Perhaps it's time to stop trying to force fit this into your specific ideals of how things "should" be and realize you're just not compatible. 

For using me and ghosting me. We’ve been talking for 6 months, started seeing each other more frequently these past 3 months. She had no problem going out for free meal after free meal. No problem accepting little gifts like random flowers, a little souvenir from a trip I took and a Christmas gift and card with telling her how I feel about her. Not to mention me texting and speaking on the dates in her native language to make her feel more comfortable. Amazing how all of this I do for her and all the calling me “baby” and kisses etc from her leads to her just ghosting me. I’m sorry but where I come from that’s called using somebody. If we went on one or two dates and she ghosted me then whatever but this many dates and this much time? And no this lack of communication is not her “just being herself” It’s called being lazy because she obviously doesn’t care. I mean how would she expect to form anything real or even go on another date if she won’t even open my message of asking her on a date??

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ericw899 said:

how would she expect to form anything real or even go on another date if she won’t even open my message of asking her on a date??

It doesn't seem to be working out, so don't waste any more time and money on her. Perhaps she's doing the "slow fade" in an effort to not hurt you and hoping you get the hint. But it would be better if she simply stated it's not a match. 

[ericw899]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't seem to be working out, so don't waste any more time and money on her. Perhaps she's doing the "slow fade" in an effort to not hurt you and hoping you get the hint. But it would be better if she simply stated it's not a match. 

Yes exactly I just want her to be honest. That’s why I want to say something to her. It’s not right for women to constantly ghost me, especially when I treat them well

[Calmandfocused]

2 hours ago, ericw899 said:

For using me and ghosting me. We’ve been talking for 6 months, started seeing each other more frequently these past 3 months. She had no problem going out for free meal after free meal. No problem accepting little gifts like random flowers, a little souvenir from a trip I took and a Christmas gift and card with telling her how I feel about her. Not to mention me texting and speaking on the dates in her native language to make her feel more comfortable. Amazing how all of this I do for her and all the calling me “baby” and kisses etc from her leads to her just ghosting me. I’m sorry but where I come from that’s called using somebody. If we went on one or two dates and she ghosted me then whatever but this many dates and this much time? And no this lack of communication is not her “just being herself” It’s called being lazy because she obviously doesn’t care. I mean how would she expect to form anything real or even go on another date if she won’t even open my message of asking her on a date??

Yes! 
 

I don’t agree with you “calling her out” about the above but I’m pleased to see that you’re finally gaining perspective. Good for you! 

You’re starting to see how one sided this relationship has been. You’ve done all the heavy lifting, all the compromising, all the financial input, and all the chasing in this relationship. Remember this every time you get caught up in fantasy land. 

I agree with you that she most likely has been using you. However, you have allowed yourself to be treated this way. Time to stop op.  
 

 

 

[ericw899]

13 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Yes! 
 

I don’t agree with you “calling her out” about the above but I’m pleased to see that you’re finally gaining perspective. Good for you! 

You’re starting to see how one sided this relationship has been. You’ve done all the heavy lifting, all the compromising, all the financial input, and all the chasing in this relationship. Remember this every time you get caught up in fantasy land. 

I agree with you that she most likely has been using you. However, you have allowed yourself to be treated this way. Time to stop op.  
 

 

 

It really hurts to be used by someone like her. She actually seemed like a great sincere person who I couldn’t imagine using me. I think at this point I’m going to give up on love, women now a days all seem fake 

[ExpatInItaly]

You have to take some accountability for your own role in this. 

You chose to give and give and give, despite not getting a lot in return. You kept taking her out, doing things for her, giving her little gifts, all while not receiving the same sorts of signs of affection and interest back from her. You have to ask yourself why you continued doing so and ignored that it was largely one-sided - until now. 

She could have reciprocated more, yes. But you also have to do a better job of weeding out the women who don't, rather than hagning on and getting increasingly bitter when things don't improve and you arrive where you are now. 

I agree that she needs to be honest that this isn't working for her rather than ignore you, to be clear. It appears this has run its course for her. 

[ericw899]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have to take some accountability for your own role in this. 

You chose to give and give and give, despite not getting a lot in return. You kept taking her out, doing things for her, giving her little gifts, all while not receiving the same sorts of signs of affection and interest back from her. You have to ask yourself why you continued doing so and ignored that it was largely one-sided - until now. 

She could have reciprocated more, yes. But you also have to do a better job of weeding out the women who don't, rather than hagning on and getting increasingly bitter when things don't improve and you arrive where you are now. 

I agree that she needs to be honest that this isn't working for her rather than ignore you, to be clear. It appears this has run its course for her. 

I mean yes I do admit I gave her a lot and didn’t get much in return. But what was I to do? She’s a single mom and an immigrant who’s only been in the US 2 years. She works a pretty low in come job so I don’t expect her to spend money on dinner or gifts for me. And unfortunately to see her, I had to take her out because I can’t go to her house and she can’t come to mine as we both live with our mothers. I did take her to a park one date, and a walk along the pier another date and that was great as I didn’t spend any money on her. But unfortunately the weather has gotten very cold so I can’t expect for her to shiver with me in a park so besides lunch or dinner idk what else we can do.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, ericw899 said:

It really hurts to be used by someone like her. She actually seemed like a great sincere person who I couldn’t imagine using me. I think at this point I’m going to give up on love, women now a days all seem fake 

I'm really sorry you went through this. I would avoid making this so fatalistic, though. Though I am sure right now you're feeling a bit discouraged. In the right relationship the other person will appreciate all the wonderful qualities you possess and bring to the table.

Yes, there are people out there who will use and manipulate others. It's good that you spoke to her about the gap in communication. Her response to you is that she is hesitant to be with someone after such a long time (she might have gotten comfortable with the wrong person that might have damaged her and doesn't want to make the same mistake).

Given that information, you needed to decide for yourself what this meant for your connection and what steps you would take to move forward. Sure, she could have declined going further and not accepted the gifts and support you offered her. She didn't, and that's 100% in her scope of responsibility.

Don't discount the world-Women are great but please don't define yourself by what a woman can or can not give you.

Find love on your own terms. Hang in there, okay?

[ericw899]

43 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm really sorry you went through this. I would avoid making this so fatalistic, though. Though I am sure right now you're feeling a bit discouraged. In the right relationship the other person will appreciate all the wonderful qualities you possess and bring to the table.

Yes, there are people out there who will use and manipulate others. It's good that you spoke to her about the gap in communication. Her response to you is that she is hesitant to be with someone after such a long time (she might have gotten comfortable with the wrong person that might have damaged her and doesn't want to make the same mistake).

Given that information, you needed to decide for yourself what this meant for your connection and what steps you would take to move forward. Sure, she could have declined going further and not accepted the gifts and support you offered her. She didn't, and that's 100% in her scope of responsibility.

Don't discount the world-Women are great but please don't define yourself by what a woman can or can not give you.

Find love on your own terms. Hang in there, okay?

Thank you I appreciate your kind words. I was in an EXTREMELY toxic relationship from April of 2022-June 2023. Like absolutely horrible relationship where this girl destroyed my heart and ruined my life to the point I almost ended it. But thank god through therapy I was able to pull out of that nightmare. So I just casually talking to girls after this relationship ended and I had no expectations. When I met this current girl we went on a date and it was fun but I didn’t expect to see her again, and I didn’t for almost 4 months. But in October we started to really talk and connect and one thing led to another and I started to develop feelings for her even though I didn’t really want to. I guess what I’m saying is that I never thought this girl was using me until this week when the communication went blank. So I’m more hurt to be used again after getting out of such a horrible relationship and then finally meeting a genuine girl who I thought would never hurt me that way yet here I am

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ericw899 said:

I mean yes I do admit I gave her a lot and didn’t get much in return. But what was I to do? She’s a single mom and an immigrant who’s only been in the US 2 years. She works a pretty low in come job so I don’t expect her to spend money on dinner or gifts for me.

This is my point, though. 

You are now making it sound like she was using you, but at the same time admit there weren't many other options given her circumstances. So which is it?   It was a risk you took when you decided to date someone in her situation, so it doesn't make a lot of sense to get upset about it now that your risk didn't bring much reward. 

In any case, I don't think this was going to last. There were too many fundamental incompatibilities and complications. I would urge you to be more mindful in the future about who you choose to date. 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, ericw899 said:

Thank you I appreciate your kind words. I was in an EXTREMELY toxic relationship from April of 2022-June 2023. Like absolutely horrible relationship where this girl destroyed my heart and ruined my life to the point I almost ended it. But thank god through therapy I was able to pull out of that nightmare. So I just casually talking to girls after this relationship ended and I had no expectations. When I met this current girl we went on a date and it was fun but I didn’t expect to see her again, and I didn’t for almost 4 months. But in October we started to really talk and connect and one thing led to another and I started to develop feelings for her even though I didn’t really want to. I guess what I’m saying is that I never thought this girl was using me until this week when the communication went blank. So I’m more hurt to be used again after getting out of such a horrible relationship and then finally meeting a genuine girl who I thought would never hurt me that way yet here I am

My pleasure.

Okay so maybe with this woman in particular you overcompensated a bit by being a bit TOO giving with her or giving too much of your time and energy in a short amount of time. And unfortunately you never even got a chance to maybe dial that back a bit to see her reaction which would've been very helpful. A lot of people get partnered up quickly to maybe avoid the reality that they were just in last.

I don't mean to set limits like that, you just can't fully know someone in a short time. And I understand that you already knew her. I think you made an honest mistake commonly made by people who exit a bad relationships. You took a little too much trust and openness with this person. Even so, just try to play it more low-key and don't do things so early that you would only do with someone you've been dating for many months where there is consistent, ongoing effort and interest on both sides.

If something feels off, pipe down with what you're doing. You gave her no room to show her true colors. Unfortunately, with dating, I think sometimes 6 months is the bare minimum that we should really show who we are. And EVEN THEN sometimes it takes 12-14 months to see someone's true colors. Not saying play games with her necessarily, but you want to make sure someone is truly interested in you.

And that is not to suggest that she wasn't interested in you to some extent but your actions made it really hard to get a balance with her. So by slowing down on interactions and over the top efforts/actions when someone is new in your life, you can then see how they feel about you. Do they appreciate the time and effort you do put in? Or are they even looking for serious commitment?

That's the good thing about new relationships. It all about compatibility.

You are someone that likes more ongoing communication and contact. And it's possible this person does not want that type of interaction. She might even prefer more independence. So I think you should more so focus on seeing how many ducks line up nicely with what she's looking for. If things ARE meant to work out, they will. They always will even if it takes a few months to pan out.

I pray for your heart to be healed enough to not let it jade you. And with that, you can maybe see things a bit more positively than in the past.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ericw899 said:

 She’s a single mom and an immigrant who’s only been in the US 2 years. She works a pretty low in come job so I don’t expect her to spend money on dinner or gifts for me.  I can’t go to her house and she can’t come to mine as we both live with our mothers.

Unfortunately you dated another Ecuadorian woman a couple of years ago and also felt she was "using you". 

That you both live with parents definitely makes dating more difficult. Combine that with everything you mentioned about her circumstances and it seems like a frustrating incompatible situation. 

Perhaps it's time to date women from your own culture who are fluent in your language as well as not struggling single mothers.

There seems to be too many obstacles with the women you're choosing, then unfortunately taking it out on them that it's not working out. 

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, ericw899 said:

For using me and ghosting me. We’ve been talking for 6 months, started seeing each other more frequently these past 3 months. She had no problem going out for free meal after free meal. No problem accepting little gifts like random flowers, a little souvenir from a trip I took and a Christmas gift and card with telling her how I feel about her. 

You CHOSE to do all those things, and to keep doing all those things for all this time, and to ignore the many signs that she wasn't as into the relationship as you.  No one forced you to do that.  You poured all these gifts and free meals onto a person who wasn't matching your interest level in the relationship, and now you're complaining that you were "used."  I don't think that's fair.  You have just as much responsibility in this.

[ericw899]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

My pleasure.

Okay so maybe with this woman in particular you overcompensated a bit by being a bit TOO giving with her or giving too much of your time and energy in a short amount of time. And unfortunately you never even got a chance to maybe dial that back a bit to see her reaction which would've been very helpful. A lot of people get partnered up quickly to maybe avoid the reality that they were just in last.

I don't mean to set limits like that, you just can't fully know someone in a short time. And I understand that you already knew her. I think you made an honest mistake commonly made by people who exit a bad relationships. You took a little too much trust and openness with this person. Even so, just try to play it more low-key and don't do things so early that you would only do with someone you've been dating for many months where there is consistent, ongoing effort and interest on both sides.

If something feels off, pipe down with what you're doing. You gave her no room to show her true colors. Unfortunately, with dating, I think sometimes 6 months is the bare minimum that we should really show who we are. And EVEN THEN sometimes it takes 12-14 months to see someone's true colors. Not saying play games with her necessarily, but you want to make sure someone is truly interested in you.

And that is not to suggest that she wasn't interested in you to some extent but your actions made it really hard to get a balance with her. So by slowing down on interactions and over the top efforts/actions when someone is new in your life, you can then see how they feel about you. Do they appreciate the time and effort you do put in? Or are they even looking for serious commitment?

That's the good thing about new relationships. It all about compatibility.

You are someone that likes more ongoing communication and contact. And it's possible this person does not want that type of interaction. She might even prefer more independence. So I think you should more so focus on seeing how many ducks line up nicely with what she's looking for. If things ARE meant to work out, they will. They always will even if it takes a few months to pan out.

I pray for your heart to be healed enough to not let it jade you. And with that, you can maybe see things a bit more positively than in the past.

Ok so she actually responded to my message from Saturday night. I had asked her if she wanted to go out tonight to celebrate the new year. She said “Happy New Year baby, I’m not able to go out tonight baby because I’m busy getting stuff ready for tomorrow.” 
 

so what do you All make of this? Like she’s not interested but is calling me baby twice in a message? Do i respond and what do I say? Do I bring up how she’s making me feel by taking forever to respond? Or ask her how she feels about us? Or just let it go all together?