Thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend who has cancer

[NomiMalone]

I’m dating a man who is currently going through treatment for cancer.

I’ve known him for a bit more than a year but we only started dating in recent months. We’re of different racial backgrounds and so far he has refused to introduce me to his relatives and friends, who are all from his country of origin. He’s refused to explain why but I assume he’s either ashamed that I’m not the same ethnicity as them, or - he’s not formally divorced from his wife (who lives in his country of origin, where he hasn’t travelled to for 15 years) and doesn’t want his relatives to know he’s dating me.

He’a so adamant about keeping me separate from his relatives and friends that I’ve never been allowed to visit his home which he shares with 2 other men (I’m pretty sure this is true bc his stories about them stack up.) When I’m with him at the hospital where he receives treatment, he’ll ask me to leave the hospital if he knows one of his relatives will be arriving shortly. They have no idea I stay overnight with him every single night he’s in hospital, and bring him things like a toothbrush and toothpaste, and incontinence pads and extra underwear when he needed them for a week because the temporary subcutaneous cannula he’d had put in his groin affected all his nerves in that area.

Things came to a head when during his last hospital stay, a set of incidences occurred while I was there with him, and I had to report them via email to his oncology team on his behalf (he’s not fluent in English). A staff member replied and said that the co-ordinator would be in touch with me tomorrow to discuss. I feel his relatives have a right to know I’m in touch with his medical team about this issue, and I’m sure they’d want to know. I raised it with him AGAIN tonight and as usual, his response was that’s he’s stressed and exhausted from his illness and doesn’t want to talk about it.

I feel like he’s put me in a ridiculous position (like I’m sneaking around behind his relatives backs, when I’m NOT), and I’m thinking about ending the relationship. Would I be the a-hole if I did? 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

I’m dating a man who is currently going through treatment for cancer. - he’s not formally divorced from his wife and doesn’t want his relatives to know he’s dating me. I’ve never been allowed to visit his home 

Sorry this is happening. Please don't date out of pity. There are multiple red flags you've listed and are aware of and understandably unhappy with. Please consider cutting your losses and setting yourself free. 

[FMW]

No, you would not be an a-hole for ending the relationship.  He's not giving you the respect of a relationship partner, or even a friend.  

He has relatives and friends - whom he acknowledges - to care for him and look out for him. This is bad for your mental self esteem and mental health.  Don't stay in this situation.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, NomiMalone said:

I feel like he’s put me in a ridiculous position (like I’m sneaking around behind his relatives backs, when I’m NOT), and I’m thinking about ending the relationship. Would I be the a-hole if I did?

Of course not.  You should have walked away from this man a long time ago.  He's using you and you're right he probably does have a wife or gf back home.  If he's ashamed of you then be ashamed to be with him.

[NuevoYorko]

When I read the title of your thread I was expecting something different:   Like, you were struggling with wishing to leave a fairly new relationship because the person had been diagnosed and treated for cancer.   I would have supported you in that, though I really do understand that it might have felt terrible to you, like you were abandoning etc.  But dating out of pity and also going through such a thing as cancer with someone you're not truly bonded with is not fair to YOURSELF.

But, this is not even related to that.

You're in a very one sided relationship where you are doing everything and he appears very minimally invested.  Cancer or no cancer:  NO!  

Being his nurse is not your job.    And he has other people who can be there for him.

Please do leave before it gets even more difficult.

[d0nnivain]

I would give him an ultimatum before you totally bail but it's not fair for you to be expected to remain separate.  

[NomiMalone]

Thanks everyone for your responses - I really appreciate them.

I’ve decided to tell him I’ll do my best to sort out the issue with the hospital that I’d already emailed the staff about, but I won’t be visiting him in there or communicating with his medical team anymore without his relatives’ knowledge. 

(His cousin has also made a complaint about the same issue to another hospital department, and it’d just make so much more sense if I could communicate with the cousin and we could liase with his medical team together…. but no.) 

I’ll tell him I’d be happy to meet up for coffee etc, when he’s not in hospital, but that is it.

I’m just so curious as to what on earth he’s hiding. Apart from this, he has been an amazing partner to me and has brought so much joy, love, kindness and safety into my life. He is caring and extremely reliable and is known in his ethnic community as the guy who looks after everyone. Part of me really hates to let this go without getting to the bottom of it.

 

[basil67]

Not a good situation for you at all.  I get a feeling that you're a place holder until he finds someone who he can introduce.   

When you end it, he may suddenly see the light and say that he'll introduce you.....but bear in mind that he may be lying.   Or even if he's not lying, do you really want a boyfriend who only introduced you because he'd been pushed?   I say drop him.  And rest assured that he can't talk about being dumped to his family - because he can't tell them that you exist!

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

I’ll tell him I’d be happy to meet up for coffee etc, when he’s not in hospital, but that is it......I’m just so curious as to what on earth he’s hiding

He's hiding you!  

Meeting up with exes for coffee is a recipe for pain.  If you're going to end it, do it properly. 

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

 I won’t be visiting him in there or communicating with his medical team anymore without his relatives’ knowledge. Im just so curious as to what on earth he’s hiding. . Part of me really hates to let this go without getting to the bottom of it.

Are you his healthcare proxy or just translating for him? Who is his next of kin and who handles his affairs in general?  That he asks you to leave whenever his family visits is a huge red flag. You're not related so aside from visiting him as a GF it's unclear why you're involved in his healthcare. 

Please step away from the entire situation.  Why won't he be honest with you about whatever he's is hiding and why you are a secret and not allowed to go to his residence? 

[MsJayne]

No, you're not an a*****e, but I'm not so sure about him. If he's from a particular culture where marriages are arranged and divorce is shameful that will explain why he's hiding you from his family. It's unlikely he's divorced, and it's commonly accepted to have a mistress but never humiliate the wife or embarrass the family by flaunting the mistress. Of course, if he had any respect for you he wouldn't be doing this regardless of his cultural beliefs, but, if it is the country I'm thinking of, they're not known for treating women as equals. 

[ShyViolet]

You need to end this relationship.  If a relationship has major red flags, which this one does, you do what you need to do for yourself and you end it.  The other person having cancer, or any other unfortunate circumstances, doesn't change that.  It doesn't make you obligated to stay with them out of pity.  You have a responsibility to YOURSELF.  He has family that he can lean on.

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

His cousin has also made a complaint about the same issue to another hospital department, and it’d just make so much more sense if I could communicate with the cousin and we could liase with his medical team together…. but no.) 

This is not your place.  Leave him and his healthcare to his family since he's ashamed of you.  I don't know how you can say this man has been an amazing partner after the way he's treated you.  Surely you must think you deserve better and if you do leave him and go get it.

[ShyViolet]

20 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

(His cousin has also made a complaint about the same issue to another hospital department, and it’d just make so much more sense if I could communicate with the cousin and we could liase with his medical team together…. but no.) 

 

You're not his family.  Why would you think that it's appropriate for you to get involved in his medical treatment?

And why would you even want to do this when he hasn't respected you enough to make you a proper part of his life and tell his family that you exist?  

[NomiMalone]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you his healthcare proxy or just translating for him? Who is his next of kin and who handles his affairs in general?  That he asks you to leave whenever his family visits is a huge red flag. You're not related so aside from visiting him as a GF it's unclear why you're involved in his healthcare. 

Please step away from the entire situation.  Why won't he be honest with you about whatever he's is hiding and why you are a secret and not allowed to go to his residence? 

I wasn’t translating for him. (I don’t speak a word of his native language.) I don’t know who his next of kin is, but his closest relative here in the country where we live is his cousin. She speaks fluent English and it seems like she handles the extended family’s affairs in general. 

I’d spent every night and morning with him in hospital during his stays there, and I also took him to and from most of his radiotherapy sessions and appointments with his oncologist at the cancer centre, so the staff at both locations knew who I was. (I don’t know why he wasn’t afraid the staff might mention to his family that he has a girlfriend?)

Unfortunately a set of incidences occurred at the hospital (whilst I was there) during his last stay and I had to report them to his oncology team at the cancer centre (who already knew me). If I’d been allowed to speak to his cousin, I absolutely would’ve done it first, and would’ve asked her to report it.

Yeah I have no idea what on earth he’s hiding. I have however been “allowed” on video calls with his brother and his daughter overseas so I don’t get why it was ok for them to meet me, but not the more distant relatives in the country we live in. Just super weird.

Anyway, here’s an update:

Yesterday I met up with him and told him that for his upcoming stay in hospital, I won’t be visiting him at all if he doesn’t tell his cousin who I am. He refused, giving his usual excuse of “who I’m dating is none of their business and I’m sick of their gossiping.” 

So I told him not to text or call me anymore and I won’t be responding.

His doctor called me to discuss the incidences at the hospital and I told her to discuss it with his cousin instead.

Edited December 13, 2023 by NomiMalone

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, NomiMalone said:

 I told him not to text or call me anymore and I won’t be responding.His doctor called me to discuss the incidences at the hospital and I told her to discuss it with his cousin instead.

You made the right decision on both counts. That he's keeping you a secret and refuses to acknowledge you to his family, so stepping away is wise. And letting him and his family figure out whatever this medical/hospital situation is. 

There's no reason to keep you a secret or at arm's length. He's hiding something. Trust your instincts. 

[NomiMalone]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You made the right decision on both counts. That he's keeping you a secret and refuses to acknowledge you to his family, so stepping away is wise. And letting him and his family figure out whatever this medical/hospital situation is. 

There's no reason to keep you a secret or at arm's length. He's hiding something. Trust your instincts. 

Thanks, I appreciate it. He’s definitely hiding something, and values whatever that is more than he values having me in his life.

Thinking ahead… do you think it’d be awful of me if in future he messaged to let me know his health has deteriorated and I just ignore him? (I already foresee this happening- both his health worsening and him trying to get in contact. Ughhh.)

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, NomiMalone said:

, … do you think it’d be awful of me if in future he messaged to let me know his health has deteriorated and I just ignore him? 

It's fine to protect yourself and your dignity from his secretiveness. However you can still be compassionate from a distance with regard to his cancer. But please maintain your stance and boundaries. 

[NomiMalone]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's fine to protect yourself and your dignity from his secretiveness. However you can still be compassionate from a distance with regard to his cancer. But please maintain your stance and boundaries. 

Thanks, this is great advice. 

[ShyViolet]

On 12/13/2023 at 5:32 PM, NomiMalone said:

Thinking ahead… do you think it’d be awful of me if in future he messaged to let me know his health has deteriorated and I just ignore him? (I already foresee this happening- both his health worsening and him trying to get in contact. Ughhh.)

Why would you stay in contact with him?  When a relationship ends, it is usually best to cut off contact for good.  This breakup is no different.  Bad things can happen to our exes at any time as they continue to live their lives.  That doesn't obligate us to talk to our exes.  He has a lot of family members from what it sounds like.  It's not like he has no one.  It's not your job to coddle his feelings and look out for him anymore.  You should stay no-contact with him and don't respond to him if he tries to contact you.

He has been disrespectful to you throughout this relationship.  Why on earth should you let him call the shots and demand to have access to you whenever he wants?  Put an end to this for good.

[FMW]

On 12/13/2023 at 1:31 PM, NomiMalone said:

Yesterday I met up with him and told him that for his upcoming stay in hospital, I won’t be visiting him at all if he doesn’t tell his cousin who I am. He refused, giving his usual excuse of “who I’m dating is none of their business and I’m sick of their gossiping.” 

He's made his decision, you've made yours.  Don't make any compromises that only benefit him, meaning unless he contacts you and says he's ready to acknowledge you to everyone in his life, don't respond.  Release yourself from feeling further obligation to him and move on.  

[NomiMalone]

Update:

I did some digging on Facebook and found out that the woman he said is his cousin isn’t his cousin at all. There was a photo of the two of them together on her FB a few years ago, and someone had commented “beautiful pair!” No one would ever comment that on a photo of 2 cousins! 

Now it finally makes sense why he’s refused to introduce me to his relatives and friends or allow me into his home. I am the OW! 

I feel blind-sided - and sick to the stomach that he is capable of doing such a twisted thing. 

She has no idea he’d been pursuing me persistently for a year and we’d been dating for 2 months, doing all the things couples do. He calls me every night before he goes to sleep, and he texts me “I love you” multiple times a day, every day. I know he absolutely adores me. I’d been spending every night at the hospital with him and the staff know me as his GF (one of the palliative care doctors even commented it’s nice we’re so affectionate because it can have a positive effect on a patient’s recovery!!!)

F***!!

He doesn’t know that I know, but he’s now been blocked everywhere on my phone. 

Goodbye and good riddance!!! 

[stillafool]

Good that you found out that in fact he has a woman/wife somewhere.   Now you have the proof you needed to move on from this man.  Now that you know stop searching his social media so you can get over him.  It's good that you've blocked him.

[Kassieee]

Cancer or not, he seems like the not so nice person here. If you're good enough to be around him in the hospital keeping him company, you're good enough to be introduced to his family. You having to leave because they are coming just doesn't seem right to me.

Leave him.

[Kassieee]

16 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Update:

I did some digging on Facebook and found out that the woman he said is his cousin isn’t his cousin at all. There was a photo of the two of them together on her FB a few years ago, and someone had commented “beautiful pair!” No one would ever comment that on a photo of 2 cousins! 

Now it finally makes sense why he’s refused to introduce me to his relatives and friends or allow me into his home. I am the OW! 

I feel blind-sided - and sick to the stomach that he is capable of doing such a twisted thing. 

She has no idea he’d been pursuing me persistently for a year and we’d been dating for 2 months, doing all the things couples do. He calls me every night before he goes to sleep, and he texts me “I love you” multiple times a day, every day. I know he absolutely adores me. I’d been spending every night at the hospital with him and the staff know me as his GF (one of the palliative care doctors even commented it’s nice we’re so affectionate because it can have a positive effect on a patient’s recovery!!!)

F***!!

He doesn’t know that I know, but he’s now been blocked everywhere on my phone. 

Goodbye and good riddance!!! 

Oh .....ew. what a plot twist.