Thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend who has cancer

[ShyViolet]

16 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Update:

I did some digging on Facebook and found out that the woman he said is his cousin isn’t his cousin at all. There was a photo of the two of them together on her FB a few years ago, and someone had commented “beautiful pair!” No one would ever comment that on a photo of 2 cousins! 

Now it finally makes sense why he’s refused to introduce me to his relatives and friends or allow me into his home. I am the OW! 

Wow.  Sorry to hear this.  This goes to show, just because someone has cancer or a terminal illness, that doesn't make them a saint and that doesn't make you obligated to stay by their side no matter what.  If a relationship is toxic you end it, period.

[NomiMalone]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Wow.  Sorry to hear this.  This goes to show, just because someone has cancer or a terminal illness, that doesn't make them a saint and that doesn't make you obligated to stay by their side no matter what.  If a relationship is toxic you end it, period.

Yeah I’m pretty freaked out he could do something so cruel and disturbing. I feel like rubbish right now but I can’t even begin to imagine how she’d feel if she ever found out. Good grief. 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

I feel like rubbish right now but I can’t even begin to imagine how she’d feel if she ever found out.

I wouldn't even worry myself about this as that is his problem.  He's put up road blocks everywhere to make sure she doesn't; but sooner or later what is hidden in darkness comes to light.

[NomiMalone]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I wouldn't even worry myself about this as that is his problem.  He's put up road blocks everywhere to make sure she doesn't; but sooner or later what is hidden in darkness comes to light.

I’d rather her not find out tbh. I don’t know how long he has left to live, and she doesn’t need this kind of devastation on top of already being grief-stricken about his cancer and the thought of losing him to this illness. What a s**tshow. 

Edited December 15, 2023 by NomiMalone

[NomiMalone]

I’m resuscitating this thread because my mind is spinning in turmoil right now.

As you know, I’m NC with a man with cancer who I’d just discovered had a long term partner the whole time he dated me. 

I know he still has feelings for me and I’m terrified that he’ll one day find a way to contact me to tell me he’d like to see me one last time.

If I say yes, it will reopen all wounds for me and undo all my hard-won NC. If I say no, I might regret it for the rest of my life. Both options are unbearable. 

What would you do?

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

 I’m terrified that he’ll one day find a way to contact me to tell me he’d like to see me one last time.

Please try not to let guilt (that he has cancer) influence your resolve. He was living a lie. Please delete block him permanently. 

[stillafool]

You have the power to block him so he can't reach you.  He's sick and in and out of the hospital so it's doubtful he's going to be running around looking for you.  What hard won NC are you referring to?  You just started it.  If you feel he has the power to reopen your wounds seek independent therapy to strengthen your mind so that doesn't happen.

[NuevoYorko]

On 12/12/2023 at 2:13 PM, NomiMalone said:

 

I’m just so curious as to what on earth he’s hiding. Apart from this, he has been an amazing partner to me and has brought so much joy, love, kindness and safety into my life. He is caring and extremely reliable and is known in his ethnic community as the guy who looks after everyone.

 

I'm sorry but blatantly hiding you and behaving as if he's ashamed of you for over a year is not being "an amazing partner."  And how do you know about his status in his ethnic community when you have not been permitted to interact with any of his people?  Because he's told you how wonderful he is?  

[NomiMalone]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please try not to let guilt (that he has cancer) influence your resolve. He was living a lie. Please delete block him permanently. 

@Wiseman2, @stillafool

Thanks, he has been blocked since the day I found out. I was afraid he’d turn up to my place in person (yes, he’s very ill but when there’s a will there’s a way, and he has turned up once before when we’ve fought and I’ve ignored his calls.) 

Part of me is really struggling with the guilt from the idea of not being compassionate to someone who is already suffering so much from cancer (I would never be in contact with him again obviously, but refusing to see someone for the last time before they die to me can seem cruel in some cases.)

But part of me is super thankful that I’m not his partner and I get to just walk away from his lies and deceit. 
 

There’s been a lot to process.

Edited December 19, 2023 by NomiMalone

[NomiMalone]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm sorry but blatantly hiding you and behaving as if he's ashamed of you for over a year is not being "an amazing partner."  And how do you know about his status in his ethnic community when you have not been permitted to interact with any of his people?  Because he's told you how wonderful he is?  

I never wanted a traditional kind of relationship and made it clear to him I only wanted something casual but monogamous, and needed a lot of space. I never invited him to sleep over at mine, and made it clear I couldn’t see him everyday or constantly call/text. I was more perplexed than bothered about not meeting his friends/relatives tbh. Maybe that’s weird but that’s honestly the way I felt. (It only became an issue after that particular hospital stay I spoke of where I really wanted to check in with a relative re the incidences that occurred, and only from a logistical point of view, really.)

For the entire time I’ve known him, he made me feel safe, secure, loved, cared for and like I was enough exactly as I am. He absolutely adored me and I could 100% be myself around him. He made me feel like it was ok to speak up if I was unhappy about something. I never felt like I had to be “the cool girl” or try to impress him. I’m in my late 30s and this is the first time I’ve ever felt like this with a man. He made me want to change my mind about not ever wanting a relationship. 

Without going into details - he runs a business that helps out his ethnic community. He constantly gets calls from people asking how he is. Almost every time we went to to a cafe or restaurant, we’d bump into people (of his ethnic origin) who’d come up and chat to him. I can imagine when he passes away, he’d have a huge funeral and wake (in his ethnic tradition) and so many people would turn up. He was honestly just so nice. Not in a million years would I ever have guessed he was a cheater. 

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

I know he still has feelings for me and I’m terrified that he’ll one day find a way to contact me to tell me he’d like to see me one last time.

If I say yes, it will reopen all wounds for me and undo all my hard-won NC. If I say no, I might regret it for the rest of my life. Both options are unbearable. 

Stop talking about your life as if you are just a passive observer in it, and that you won't be able to do anything about it if he tries to contact you.  You are in control of whether you talk to him or not.

Why would you regret for the rest of your life not seeing him again?  He is your ex who lied to you the whole relationship and disrespected you by keeping you a "secret" from his family.  Why would you think you owe it to him to see him again?  You're supposed to move on from relationships that are over, especially ones in which your ex disrespected you like this.  The fact that he has cancer doesn't change that at all.  

[NuevoYorko]

On 12/14/2023 at 6:25 PM, NomiMalone said:

Update:

I did some digging on Facebook and found out that the woman he said is his cousin isn’t his cousin at all. There was a photo of the two of them together on her FB a few years ago, and someone had commented “beautiful pair!” No one would ever comment that on a photo of 2 cousins! 

Huh?  I mean ... you should definitely be moved on from this guy because he's been hiding you from his people the whole time.   Obviously he has good reasons for it, like a family back home, whatever.  It doesn't matter.  

But a picture from "a few years ago" with that comment is not even meaningful.   After I was divorced years ago, some people were asking me who my new girlfriend was because they saw pictures of me on a trip with my sister.  It happens all the time

 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

His relationship with his "cousin" mustn't be very much of a big deal.  Otherwise he would not be available for you to spend all day and night with him when he's hospitalized. Maybe he has a whole legion of other ladies lined up for the privilege of being his nursemaid.

Oh well, good thing you only were "casual" and dating for a few months.  Most of which he has been seriously ill. And his affection is spread around.   Should be very easy for you to move on.

[stillafool]

 

3 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

made it clear to him I only wanted something casual but monogamous, and needed a lot of space.

If this were the case why is it an issue that he won't introduce you to his family?  You knew he was still married when you started seeing him so I don't understand why you don't understand his position.  If you wanted casual why are you all up in his medical business when you are not his wife?  It was probably her that you saw in that picture with him.  Once you knew he had a wife that was the time to check his Facebook.

Edited December 19, 2023 by stillafool

[NomiMalone]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

The fact that he has cancer doesn't change that at all.  

Ughhh I think the cancer kinda does change things. Part of me is really struggling with the guilt from the idea of not being compassionate to someone who is already suffering so much from cancer (I would never be in contact with him again obviously, but refusing to see someone for the last time before they die to me can seem cruel in some cases.)

But I’m glad for your (and @Wiseman2 and @stillafool’s) take on this. It does make me realise that it would be ok to stick to my NC boundary regardless of the circumstances if this is what I feel most comfortable doing and it wouldn’t necessarily be heartless.

[NomiMalone]

31 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

If this were the case why is it an issue that he won't introduce you to his family?  You knew he was still married when you started seeing him so I don't understand why you don't understand his position.  If you wanted casual why are you all up in his medical business when you are not his wife?  It was probably her that you saw in that picture with him.  Once you knew he had a wife that was the time to check his Facebook.

Re not being allowed to meet his relatives and friends - I was more perplexed than bothered about not meeting his friends/relatives. I honestly didn’t really care - it just meant I wouldn’t have to sit there awkwardly for hours surrounded by people who spoke a different language. Not meeting them only became an issue after that particular hospital stay I spoke of where I really wanted to check in with a relative re the incidences that occurred, and only from a logistical point of view, really. 

I didn’t know he was married when I started seeing him. I knew he has an ex-wife in his country of origin (who is the mother of his daughter), but he said they’d been divorced for over a decade. I’ve seen photos of her - she is definitely not the same woman as the “cousin” here in our country (if this is what you’re referring to?) 

I was helping him with his medical things because English is not his first language and I was there when that set of incidences that happened during his hospital stay that had to be reported. Staff already know me because I’ve taken him to most of his radiotherapy sessions etc. This has been mentioned in various posts above. 

Do you think it’d be cruel of me to never see him again - even if he was deteriorating and wanted to see me for the last time? This is what I’m currently struggling with.

Edited December 19, 2023 by NomiMalone

[basil67]

42 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

Do you think it’d be cruel of me to never see him again - even if he was deteriorating and wanted to see me for the last time? This is what I’m currently struggling with.

No, not cruel at all.  The fact that he has cancer doesn't mean that he's exempt from the consequences of his actions.   Block him.

The fact that you probably now need STI screening should help your resolve to not sympathise with him

 

 

Edited December 19, 2023 by basil67

[NomiMalone]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

No, not cruel at all.  The fact that he has cancer doesn't mean that he's exempt from the consequences of his actions.   Block him.

The fact that you probably now need STI screening should help your resolve to not sympathise with him

 

 

Well ain’t that the truth!! 

Thank you - I appreciate your thoughts on this.

And he is blocked - has been since the day I found out.

Edited December 19, 2023 by NomiMalone

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Ughhh I think the cancer kinda does change things. Part of me is really struggling with the guilt from the idea of not being compassionate to someone who is already suffering so much from cancer (I would never be in contact with him again obviously, but refusing to see someone for the last time before they die to me can seem cruel in some cases.)

This is a guy who you dated for a few months.  And he's now your ex because he lied to you throughout the relationship.  It's not your job to be there for him now or see him again.  You're acting like you have some grand connection to him and owe him something; you don't.  When you break up with someone that you dated for only a few months, who treated you badly and lied to you throughout the relationship, you're supposed to leave it behind and not keep ties to the person.  That's what an emotionally healthy person does.

[NomiMalone]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

This is a guy who you dated for a few months.  And he's now your ex because he lied to you throughout the relationship.  It's not your job to be there for him now or see him again.  You're acting like you have some grand connection to him and owe him something; you don't.  When you break up with someone that you dated for only a few months, who treated you badly and lied to you throughout the relationship, you're supposed to leave it behind and not keep ties to the person.  That's what an emotionally healthy person does.

Thanks @ShyViolet. 

We were friends for 13 months before we dated (close friends for the last few months). If he lived or died, I’d want to know.

He never treated me badly. Re not meeting his relatives and friends - I was more perplexed than bothered about it. Not meeting them only became an issue after that particular hospital stay I spoke of where I wanted to check in with a relative re the incidences that occurred, and only from a logistical point of view, really. After that I told him I couldn’t continue visiting him at the hospital or continue taking him to his appointments at the cancer centre unless he told them about me. When I found out about his cousin/partner, I blocked him and he has been blocked since. 

I do completely understand your thoughts about leaving exes behind once a relationship ends, and in general, that’s my view too.

For me though when we’re talking about someone very ill and on their death bed I do think that a bit of compassion and forgiveness between human beings wouldn’t be wrong. None of us are perfect, many of us make stupid mistakes and hurt people we care about. I don’t think seeing him one last time when the time arrives (should that be his wish) would be wrong, and at the same time I also don’t think NOT seeing him would be wrong. I still don’t know what I’d do in such a situation, maybe it’d become clearer with time or maybe not. Or maybe he won’t reach out in person/via a friend’s phone so i won’t have to make that choice. 

I remember there was an xOW in the infidelity section on here who went to their xMM’s funeral. (I don’t remember the details). If going was something the xOW felt she needed to do, I’m not going to argue that it wasn’t the right decision to go even though I may not have done the same thing in that situation. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

He never treated me badly. 

Unfortunately it seems like you're trying work through the deceit and find "closure".  Please reflect on what "treating you badly" really means.

Chronic lying, keeping you a dirty secret and shooing you away when his people come around IS treating you badly. Please make peace with yourself now. 

Edited December 20, 2023 by Wiseman2

[NomiMalone]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like you're trying work through the deceit and find "closure".  Please reflect on what "treating you badly" really means.

Chronic lying, keeping you a dirty secret and shooing you away when his people come around IS treating you badly. Please make peace with yourself now. 

Thanks, I will reflect on that.

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

I didn’t know he was married when I started seeing him. I knew he has an ex-wife in his country of origin (who is the mother of his daughter), but he said they’d been divorced for over a decade.

 

On 12/12/2023 at 6:33 AM, NomiMalone said:

I’

 

Quote

or - he’s not formally divorced from his wife (who lives in his country of origin, where he hasn’t travelled to for 15 years) and doesn’t want his relatives to know he’s dating me.

Here you had a suspicion he was still married but didn't bother to verify.  

Quote

They have no idea I stay overnight with him every single night he’s in hospital

Why would you do all of this if what you were looking for was only a casual relationship.  This is the job of a fiance, wife or long time girlfriend.

 

14 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Do you think it’d be cruel of me to never see him again - even if he was deteriorating and wanted to see me for the last time? This is what I’m currently struggling with.

You talk as if he's been given a terminal diagnosis.  How long did they give him to live?

 

[Acacia98]

21 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Do you think it’d be cruel of me to never see him again - even if he was deteriorating and wanted to see me for the last time? This is what I’m currently struggling with.

No, it wouldn't be cruel of you. You see, the goal of your action would be to protect yourself, not to hurt him.

If you are religious, say a prayer for him, wish him well in your heart. And then live your life. If you're not religious but there's a meaningful ritual you could carry out, then do that. 

Considering that yours was a casual relationship and you'd only been together for a few months, you went above and beyond in your efforts to help him. Unfortunately, you subsequently learned that he hadn't been completely forthcoming with you and that your relationship was morally/ethically questionable. Your response to that was not to be cruel or vengeful towards him. It was to remove yourself from the situation. These are the actions of a compassionate person. You extended tremendous compassion to this man. Don't you think it is time for you to extend compassion to yourself?

You are allowed to set boundaries and to maintain them for your own well-being. You matter just as much as anyone else. And your first responsibility on this earth is to look after yourself.

[NomiMalone]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

 

@stillafool

Yes he absolutely could’ve been not formally divorced like he’d said. He was so nice that I’d simply trusted him when he’d said he was, and that they don’t speak. She’s not on his social media and he hasn’t been back to his home country for 15 years (where she lives) so I figured it had to be true. I didn’t get the vibe that he was lying - he was honestly one of the most trustworthy people I’d ever met. 

We’d been friends for 13 months prior to dating  (close friends for the last few of those months), so I didn’t just view him as a casual date, but also my friend. 

Re his diagnosis and prognosis - I can give details in a DM if you’re curious.