Advice - I am really lost and sad, can I get her back or is a lost battle?

[Sovek]

Here is my situation: 
She is 36 year old - Chef on a Michelin guide restaurant (stressful job) open only in the winter, coming out of a long relationship (8 years) The ex has a restaurant in the winter resort very close by (20-30 meters) also on the michelin guide (i mention this due to the stress they get into ) 
They were living together but she told me when we met that they had already broken up since November 2022. But due to issues finding a place during the winter (super busy resort he was still there in another room) 
Me 48, Dont live in the same town, only in the winter. 
We met in April last year in the resort - end of the winter season and we just had a chat in bar - we connected right away but we just exchanged numbers. 
We met again in the middle of May this time on a date in another town - again we connected amazingly and we took the decision to go on a trip (we met on a Sunday and we flew together on a Friday to a city) 
We had a great trip and from then on we spent most of our free time together - travel, weekends at my place 
Then the summer came and the ex came back - She asked him to move out which he did within a week, they talked to each other and remained as friends. 
So I started to go to this "winter" town in Summer to stay with her - but I always noticed she was a bit uncomfortable with me going out there. (its a small town and most people know each other and her friends and friends of her ex) 
She did say she needed time to adjust to this new reality to have a new person in the circle - I accepted the awkwardness 
At some point in August she met with the ex - had a chat with him and he begged her to come back with him - she said no as she had plans already with me to Go to Spain, To Mexico and spend next winter (this one 2023-2024) together. 
But i did notice a change in her attitude towards me - from being incredibly loving and present she became some days distant 
By the end of August when we were going to Spain - she told me that she has doubts about continuing this.... I said if that's the case we can work them out or if she feels they are not fixable we should just stop 
She went with me to Spain and we had a great time (with some ups and downs) 
Then 15 days later we had a trip for 3 weeks to Mexico - 7 days before going she told me she wouldn't come because her ex asked her and that she told him that it would break his heart and she begged her to come back with her. So i thought this is it - i send her a good bye message and I was ready to go into the holiday by myself and stay even longer in Mexico surfing (it would clear my mind) 
3 days before the trip she said she would come.... I accepted but under the condition that we will be good. We went to the trip and the first 3 days were s***, but on the 3rd day after a Shroom Ceremony with a Shaman - she changed her mind completely and was totally into me again. - She did say however that she was sure she wanted to be with me but that she will need to work on making space in her heart for me. 
We had a great holiday and she came back on the 8 of October and me on the 23rd - during this time she was engaged, texting sending pics etc... 
When i was back the first day we couldnt meet until the weekend but the texting was short and difficult - she said something happened.... When we saw each other on the weekend we had a great time but she explained to me she saw a picture of the Ex on instagram with the new girlfriend and she felt really disturbed about it. I told her that she was very brave for telling me and that she had all my support to get out of it if her intention was still to be with me. She said yes... 
The next 3 weekends (when we can meeet) were slowly more difficult - she struggled to have me around with her friends around her town (she couldnt really enjoy) until one week before her birthday she said she couldnt do it and broke up with me. 
We continued texting and we saw each other one day after her birthday (25th of November) in her house, i gave her presents for her birthday - she was happy with them, she said by all logic she should be with me, but she couldnt take her ex out of her head (even though she broke up with him cause he was cheating, not coming home for 3-4 days in a row, and even if he begged before to go back with her) - she was too stressed to have me around in her mountain town, and that maybe it was time for her to be alone for sometime. And on top of it she is in full stress with opening of her restaurant (as i said a michelin guide restaurant with a lot of pressure on perfection) 
We hugged a lot i gave her a foot massage, i left and she said at the door - maybe we should try again when the winter finished!! (so in 5 months!) I left devastated. 
We continued texting and her last messages was similar - i am sorry i am not good regarding my ex, regarding to you so maybe i should be on my own. 
That was last Wed 6th - I havent texted since then - I did notice she deleted her ex from her social media but not me.... 
Do i have chance to go back? any advice on how to? - I really love her and all of our time together away from this town (which was the majority of the last 6 months) was amazing. 

Thank you all for reading and for your comments in advance. 

Thanks
The freeride guy 
 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry you're hurting. 

 It sounds like your relationship was / is in large part a rebound situation and it's not holding up.  She's clearly not ready to let go of the ex, much less really commit to a new relationship.

The reality that "normal" dating is not possible is a problem as well, even without the ex.  Whenever you are together it appears that your entire purpose is to be with her while she might be working and maybe in peak tourist season too.  Otherwise you are on trips.  So there has not been any way to assimilate into each others' lives and develop a normal rhythm.   

[Weezy1973]

Too much too soon. Even if there wasn’t an ex in the picture, this relationship went 0 to 100 way too quickly. If most of it were initiated by you, I would suggest you were love bombing her. In other words her feelings didn’t stem from you, but instead the things you were doing together.

Add in the ex, and the fact you were almost definitely a rebound (I.e just a distraction from the pain she was feeling from the break up) and there really isn’t much foundation here to work with. That being said, there of course is a chance, but your best bet is to not pursue anything at all. Go on living your life and if she decides to come to you in her own after time has passed then so be it. 

[d0nnivain]

You were the rebound.. . .the place holder to fill the void left by her EX not being in her life.  It's always been him.  So no I don't think she's coming back to you.  Sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems they have an on/off relationship and you got caught in the crossfire during one of the off times. Please step back. While she may want to go out again, keep in mind that she's on)off with this man. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Unforuantely, I have to agree with the others that you were the rebound. 

I am sure she had fun with you but she is nowhere near ready to move on from her ex, much less start dating someone else. This was nearly guaranteed to crash and burn because it was just too much, too soon after her break-up and she had not healed. That isn't something you can (or should) help her with. 

I wouldn't hold your breath for her. Maybe someday you two will cross paths again, but it's more likely that you will both move on to other people. In the future, avoid people fresh out of relationships. It's far too risky an investment of your heart. 

[Sovek]

18 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm sorry you're hurting. 

 It sounds like your relationship was / is in large part a rebound situation and it's not holding up.  She's clearly not ready to let go of the ex, much less really commit to a new relationship.

The reality that "normal" dating is not possible is a problem as well, even without the ex.  Whenever you are together it appears that your entire purpose is to be with her while she might be working and maybe in peak tourist season too.  Otherwise you are on trips.  So there has not been any way to assimilate into each others' lives and develop a normal rhythm.   

I agree this was a rebound - but she has a history of moving right away with her new relationships (when she finished highs school she met her first boyfriend, moved in with him for 2 years, broke up met a new guy and live with him for 7 years, and the same with the ex, after 2 months of her previous brake up she moved in with him as well... so they were all rebounds) 

Regarding winter - I am in her town regardless of her - I have a place here and I have spent many winters here, I work from home and I have many friends in here. So my purpose here is to Work, Snowboard and enjoy the life of this wonderful town in winter. 

But also agree with you that we never had a chance to have a normal life rhythm... however every time we had a free time (besides the travel) she was either with me in my house (she pushing for it a lot)  or she asking to do some fun activity. And when we were not together she was always initiating calls, sending me pics of her etc.... 

But after 7 days of not writing and not speaking I think I am starting to have some moments of clarity and think that she will never come back... 
Yesterday evening one of her friends told me that her ex told her that he is very happy with the new girlfriend and she wants to stay with her... And I still don't understand if i was only a rebound why didnt she go back with him in August and September when he begged her to go back with her... She still asked him to move out and told him she wanted to be with me.

Also after Mexico she promised me that we will be together and she knew after the ex talked to her she had her ups and downs and confusion but she planned to be with me from then on. But then she saw the pic of the ex on instagram and then she couldnt think clearly anymore. 

Anyway I thank you for your words and as I said I am in pain but I will continue working on myself and not contacting her. 

[Sovek]

18 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Too much too soon. Even if there wasn’t an ex in the picture, this relationship went 0 to 100 way too quickly. If most of it were initiated by you, I would suggest you were love bombing her. In other words her feelings didn’t stem from you, but instead the things you were doing together.

Add in the ex, and the fact you were almost definitely a rebound (I.e just a distraction from the pain she was feeling from the break up) and there really isn’t much foundation here to work with. That being said, there of course is a chance, but your best bet is to not pursue anything at all. Go on living your life and if she decides to come to you in her own after time has passed then so be it. 

Hi - Yes i think it was too much too soon, I tried to slow down at the beginning but she was all over, i felt very wanted and needed so I went along. In fact the first weeks she was asking me a lot to talk on the phone when we were not together when i was not really feeling it yet. 
We tried to have weeks and weekends a part but she (not me) always found a excuse on why the universe was asking "us" to do something together. 

And regarding the ex - I don't understand why she didn't go back with him when he asked her 2 times before going to Spain and the before going to Mexico... and she only went crazy and away from me when she saw the picture of the ex with the new girlfriend (during this 6 months is already the 3 woman the ex goes out with...) 

Anyway thank you for taking the time to reply and support - and yes I am working on moving on, living my life and not contacting her at all.

[Sovek]

14 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You were the rebound.. . .the place holder to fill the void left by her EX not being in her life.  It's always been him.  So no I don't think she's coming back to you.  Sorry. 

Agree - but begs the question why in August and September he begged to go back together and she didnt want to - and she told me and wrote me that this happened but she told him clearly she wanted to be with me. - I find crazy that after the long holiday in Mexico she told me she was clear now she wanted to be with me, and she only changed when she saw the instagram picture of the ex with the new girlfriend. I know now (found out last night) that they met discussed the situation and he told him that now he is very happy with his new girlfriend so he doesn't want to go back with her.

Funny in some of our texts after the break up I asked her to meet and she agreed once and it was nice in her place - but the 2 other times she said not now but later in the winter (which is probably giving me a false hope) 

Thank you for taking the time to respond - appreciated but i think its clear I need to just move on and go on with my life as painful as it is having her 10 min from my house and not being able to see each other (we do by chance quite often...) 

[Sovek]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems they have an on/off relationship and you got caught in the crossfire during one of the off times. Please step back. While she may want to go out again, keep in mind that she's on)off with this man. 

I dont think thats the case - they lived together for 7-8 years but She asked him to move out after a month we were dating (even though that during this time he was with his family in another country) 
As i mention in other replies the ex asked her to go back 2 times she said no and now at the start of the winter when she saw the pic of the ex with the new girlfriend she snapped and now it was her who broke up with me and asked him to go back - and he didnt want to - he lives now with a friend and he told her that he is in love with the new girlfriend... what a drama! 

thanks for taking the time to reply 

[Sovek]

15 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You were the rebound.. . .the place holder to fill the void left by her EX not being in her life.  It's always been him.  So no I don't think she's coming back to you.  Sorry. 

thank you for your answer - Its always been him but she didnt take him back when he begged 2 times - she asked him to move out... Ironically now he has a new girlfriend and now she is the one who wants him back. But I agree I think my chance is close to zero... she wants him back but he doesnt anymore... somebody up there must be laughing at us! 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Sovek said:

but begs the question why in August and September he begged to go back together and she didnt want to

We can't answer that, really. 

Perhaps reality hadn't hit her. Maybe she had a change of heart. The point is that she is clearly not ready for anyone else in her life. The fact that she previously moved on quickly to new relationships or didn't go back to her ex when he begged her back doesn't change anything for you. She has still been clear she can't do this any longer. 

It sucks but there is really nothing you can do. She has to figure this one out by herself, and she's right to let you go rather than string you along when her heart wasn't in the right place for it. It was a fun whirlwind but I would do your best to leave her behind you. 

 

 

[Sovek]

Update after 7 weeks: 

First of all thanks for the comments and advise everyone: 
- After the break up even if its not the right thing I continued to be in contact (she always replies nice and politely and we have seen each other in person in her house a couple of times but just to chat) 
- She went back with the ex before Christmas but she broke up with him again after new year

- She hasnt reached out but she continues to talk to me if i text her. 

- I wouldnt go back anymore - I have worked hard on a few things (Acceptance, done meditation everyday, sign up for a new language course, sign up for other evening sports,  done some travel and made new friends)

- I made friends with the ex (long story but its a very small town) 

- Anyway I still love her but I am not hurting anymore 

Thank you all 

[ExpatInItaly]

It's time for you to cut contact with her altogether. 

Keeping her in your life serves no purpose since it is very clear she isn't coming back. Set yourself free so you can really move on.