My boyfriend lied about porn use, changed his whole lifestyle and yet I still can't get over it

[brokenbird]

16 minutes ago, Els said:

The thing is, though, that the vast majority of porn viewers (i.e. reasonable adults who have some IRL experience and aren't addicted to porn) are quite aware of that.

They dont have to be addicted to it, it is enough to go years with porn as a virgin. Just like my boyfriend. Virgin until 21 and porn since 15 maybe. Addiction is also a tricky word. I am a really bad sleeper and my doctor suggested a not too strong pill for sleep. Every monday I used to have the hardest day of work, every single week. So on every sunday, I used to take those pills because I for sure needed to be in deep sleep to manage the next day. People say addiction is something that you have to do compulsively on most days. I did not do that, but I needed it every sunday. Addiction can be something you do once a week. I do think my boyfriend was addicted, just not in the way of watching it every day and waiting shakingly to finally jerk off. He was h0rny, he took porn and used it few times a month. He could not do it without porn, so even though it didn't happen each day, it could have been an addiction . If it wasnt that meaningful for him, he would of just quit and not lied about it for years. I quit using pills because I felt like even one day a week made me dependent and that was scary, he quit because he felt like this would bring us back together. Maybe he did lie in this year, but he surely made progress and I am proud. Most people look down on porn addiction, sadly I do too, but it is just the same as pills, cigaretta, alcohol. Makes you feel good and you want more .

 

26 minutes ago, Els said:

May I suggest that porn is living rent-free in your head a bit too much?

Ah, dont even start, it never ends in my head. I see a hot chick and my first thought is "well,my bf would probably like to see her in porn

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Please, read back how the amount of intimacy went throughout the years. That is why I am more strict, because I fear that the past was the result of porn.

That is meaningless.  You can't control him, trying to get "mind control" on your relationship partner is not only impossible to accomplish, it's morally wrong.  

IF your sex life needs improving that is something to work on together.  Of course, he would have to be as interested in doing so and making the changes that you are.

Your "strictness" has no place in your adult romantic relationship.  You are not his parent, or some type of superior officer in a paramilitary situation.  Even if you were doing some kind of BDSM scenario, where you are in control of every thought or masturbatory session, he would need to be fully on board with it.  Obviously he's not or he would not still be trying to masturbate in private with his own preferred stimulation for it.  Mental, video or whatever.

 Poor guy.  I hope someday he finds his strength and blasts out of this sick scene.  

 

 

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

hope someday he finds his strength and blasts out of this sick scene.  

Instead of this, hope for me to be able to find true letting go in myself so I can enjoy the present with him

[NuevoYorko]

22 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Instead of this, hope for me to be able to find true letting go in myself so I can enjoy the present with him

That is not what I hope for. 

I do have some compassion for you as it must be pretty horrible to live in the grips of such an obsession.  You would have to get help, though, and so far it's always about your quest for mind control.  

Interesting that you are even comfortable telling strangers in the Internet what they should be thinking.  

Edited December 14, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[brokenbird]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

That is not what I hope for.  Interesting that you are even comfortable telling strangers in the Internet what they should be thinking.  

Now you are just nitpicking. Get over the language barriers and certain words. You clearly never hears of "wish me luck". Interesting how you can find something offensive in a sentence where I basicly said "wish me peace of mind". 

Yup, obsessions. Since I am diagnosed with BPD and OCD. Its easy to manage BPD, but not that easy with OCD

Edited December 14, 2023 by brokenbird

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

Many guys watch porn while making porn because they are bored. OF guys say they rather imagine they are somewhere else because it gets boring and emotionally tireing after a couple of movies.

Yet, there millions of bored, emotionally drained men who are addicted to porn?  Doesn't make sense.

[brokenbird]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yet, there millions of bored, emotionally drained men who are addicted to porn?  Doesn't make sense.

Because they are not doing it. Idk, I wanted to be a dog trainer until I had the chance to be one, and the additional tasks made me realized I dont want it, I actually hated those 2 weeks. That is life, you think you want something until you experience it . Kind of like some one night stands , yeah? You do it and you end up feeling used and drained. I think this is why we should not get everything we want

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, brokenbird said:

Because they are not doing it. Idk, I wanted to be a dog trainer until I had the chance to be one, and the additional tasks made me realized I dont want it, I actually hated those 2 weeks. That is life, you think you want something until you experience it . Kind of like some one night stands , yeah? You do it and you end up feeling used and drained. I think this is why we should not get everything we want

Well, I bet since you don't want to now be a dog trainer you aren't hanging around watching dog training every day.  Why do these men you talk of continue to watch it if it bores them?  There are millions of men addicted to porn and it's their favorite past time. 

[Els]

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

They dont have to be addicted to it, it is enough to go years with porn as a virgin. Just like my boyfriend. Virgin until 21 and porn since 15 maybe. Addiction is also a tricky word. I am a really bad sleeper and my doctor suggested a not too strong pill for sleep. Every monday I used to have the hardest day of work, every single week. So on every sunday, I used to take those pills because I for sure needed to be in deep sleep to manage the next day. People say addiction is something that you have to do compulsively on most days. I did not do that, but I needed it every sunday. Addiction can be something you do once a week. I do think my boyfriend was addicted, just not in the way of watching it every day and waiting shakingly to finally jerk off. He was h0rny, he took porn and used it few times a month. He could not do it without porn, so even though it didn't happen each day, it could have been an addiction . If it wasnt that meaningful for him, he would of just quit and not lied about it for years. I quit using pills because I felt like even one day a week made me dependent and that was scary, he quit because he felt like this would bring us back together. Maybe he did lie in this year, but he surely made progress and I am proud. Most people look down on porn addiction, sadly I do too, but it is just the same as pills, cigaretta, alcohol. Makes you feel good and you want more .

I'm not sure if anything that we've said has gotten through to you. Are you looking for advice, or are you just looking to vent?

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Well, I bet since you don't want to now be a dog trainer you aren't hanging around watching dog training every day.  Why do these men you talk of continue to watch it if it bores them?  There are millions of men addicted to porn and it's their favorite past time. 

Is english not your first language, just as it is not mine? I said pornstars are bored of having sex for porn, I did not even talk about everyday men. I clearly said pornstars hate doing porn so much that they take Kamagra and Viagra so they can get an erection to do their job. They get in for fun, then get desensitized and regretful. I literally talked about interviews with pornstars, not interviews with everyday men.

3 minutes ago, Els said:

I'm not sure if anything that we've said has gotten through to you. Are you looking for advice, or are you just looking to vent?

Both. I wanted to vent out my thoughts, but I also wanted advice.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

. Idk, I wanted to be a dog trainer until I had the chance to be one, 

It seems like you are bringing the "dog trainer" mentality into your relationship.  No bueno.

Quote

I said pornstars are bored of having sex for porn, I did not even talk about everyday men. I clearly said pornstars hate doing porn so much that they take Kamagra and Viagra so they can get an erection to do their job

I'm sorry, but your whole take on sexuality is very ill informed.  

Certainly you are without knowledge about the porn industry and the vast array of personality types involved, as well as the huge amount of amateurs who are really in it for the thrills.  And also you have a lot to learn (if you were interested in learning anything besides how to control your boyfriend's brain) about erectile dysfunction.   The use of Viagra and similar drugs has no connection with a man "hating" the sex he's having.  

 

Edited December 14, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

It seems like you are bringing the "dog trainer" mentality into your relationship.  No bueno.

I'm sorry, but your whole take on sexuality is very skewed. 

Certainly you are without knowledge about the porn industry and the vast array of personality types involved, as well as the huge amount of amateurs who are really in it for the thrills.  And also you have a lot to learn (if you were interested in learning anything besides how to control your boyfriend's brain) about erectile dysfunction.   The use of Viagra and similar has no connection with a man "hating" the sex he's having.  

Please, dont get hang up on something I just explained because someone barged in with a different topic than my problem. I have read and listened to interviews with adult stars. They said these things. They do hate it after time. They do get bored of work sex and would rather be with a partner. Read after it if you are curious, but I dont care about this, I came here with my problem, someone mentioned that pornstars have dream jobs, and I explained that it is just as hard of a job as anything else,they wish as much to be at home with loved ones instead of work as a conctruction worker does. These all dont matter to me. I read it, I understood it, end of story. It has nothing to do with my case, I dont even know why it was needed to bring up this topic. I didn't want to talk about bored pornstars. Nothing to do with what I came here for.

[flitzanu]

do you actually WANT to have sex with your boyfriend, or is it simply that you don't want him to ejaculate if you're not involved?

[brokenbird]

8 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

do you actually WANT to have sex with your boyfriend, or is it simply that you don't want him to ejaculate if you're not involved?

Ngl this question surprised me. I think I mentioned earlier that I wanna rip his clothes off So yes, I do

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I see a hot chick and my first thought is "well,my bf would probably like to see her in porn

Oh, honey, you have a lot to learn about men. I guarantee you he sees hot women and thinks a lot more than that. 

Can you live with that? Or he must only be sexually aroused by you and only fantasize about you? 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, brokenbird said:

. Since I am diagnosed with BPD and OCD. Its easy to manage BPD, but not that easy with OCD

Are you getting regular treatment and follow up?  Hopefully you are checking in with your physician and therapist. 

Unfortunately you do seem to be spinning off in a obsessive loops about porn and sexuality.  Sadly a lot of what you're writing actually makes little sense such as interviewing porn stars and black market ED medication,etc.

Hopefully with your therapist and perhaps some additional medical intervention you can get the obsessive loops under control.

As you know, obsessions can often have themes, such as germs etc. In your case you seem to be spinning out of control with the porn and sexuality theme. 

[brokenbird]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you getting regular treatment and follow up?  Hopefully you are checking in with your physician and therapist. 

Unfortunately you do seem to be spinning off in a obsessive loops about porn and sexuality.  Sadly a lot of what you're writing actually makes little sense such as interviewing porn stars and black market ED medication,etc.

Hopefully with your therapist and perhaps some additional medical intervention you can get the obsessive loops under control.

As you know, obsessions can often have themes, such as germs etc. In your case you seem to be spinning out of control with the porn and sexuality theme. 

Yes, I do get treatment, it just seems not enough.

[basil67]

14 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Guys always talk about how they get a boner just because their girl is walking naked. 

I think you're taking this way too literally.  I promise you, when the (insert favourite sport) is on, a woman could dance naked in front of the TV and the guy would ask us to move aside.  Likewise when you're running late for something and you're both getting ready in a hurry, it's not a horny time.   Or if he's hungover.  Or tired.  Or stressed.

[Els]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think you're taking this way too literally.  I promise you, when the (insert favourite sport) is on, a woman could dance naked in front of the TV and the guy would ask us to move aside.  Likewise when you're running late for something and you're both getting ready in a hurry, it's not a horny time.   Or if he's hungover.  Or tired.  Or stressed.

This. Society tends to do men a disfavour by painting all of them as irrepressible horndogs who are thinking about sex all the time - when they're performing surgery at work, when they're actively dousing a fire, when they're crossing a road, when they're getting a vaccination - and this tends to be amplified by the rather vocal minority who do happen to conform to that stereotype. For many men, though, it's just not true. Men are human beings just like women are, sometimes they're too stressed or tired or hungry or sick or whatever to be thinking about sex. It's not "porn brain" or a reflection of their attraction or whatever - it's just being human.

[brokenbird]

Thank you all for the explaining! I truly thought that picking favorites for their looks is some kind of deep thing for people. I have always felt some kind of connection towards movie characters or book characters. They show their personality in such a detailed way that sometimes you can feel like you know that character personally. This is what I thought of this kind of porn use, that people feel some kind of connection towards them if they use the same few people again and again. I thought it was just like a book situation, or one like where you see a georgeous waitress and you begin to feel a deep attraction, so you slowly feel like you want to sleep with them . This is why I felt like it was a threat to my relationship, not porn itself, but the same people repeatedly appearing for him on the screen. I dont know, I know hes never been in love before me, he does not have many friends because he is "picky" and I still imagined him feeling something real towards these people, threatening my position in his sexual life. I know 10-15 minutes going by with watching the same person, let's say 10 times a year is not the same as reading a whole book and really getting to know them, but I actually believed that this is the same, especially because he knew their ages and stuff.

[Els]

4 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Thank you all for the explaining! I truly thought that picking favorites for their looks is some kind of deep thing for people. I have always felt some kind of connection towards movie characters or book characters. They show their personality in such a detailed way that sometimes you can feel like you know that character personally. This is what I thought of this kind of porn use, that people feel some kind of connection towards them if they use the same few people again and again. I thought it was just like a book situation, or one like where you see a georgeous waitress and you begin to feel a deep attraction, so you slowly feel like you want to sleep with them . This is why I felt like it was a threat to my relationship, not porn itself, but the same people repeatedly appearing for him on the screen. I dont know, I know hes never been in love before me, he does not have many friends because he is "picky" and I still imagined him feeling something real towards these people, threatening my position in his sexual life. I know 10-15 minutes going by with watching the same person, let's say 10 times a year is not the same as reading a whole book and really getting to know them, but I actually believed that this is the same, especially because he knew their ages and stuff.

Did any of our comments help change the way you look at this, and will you hopefully be doing things differently now?

[brokenbird]

35 minutes ago, Els said:

Did any of our comments help change the way you look at this, and will you hopefully be doing things differently now?

I did screenshots about most of the replies so I can access them easily. It was also nice to read from a woman's perspective that this is how they view porn. I just read one of the threads on this site, and people said that women tend to be more connected emotionally then men. So picking up that fact and addig it to a woman's perspective on porn, I can see that if a woman does not think this is something deep and connection worthy, then a man would also not likely feel that way.