Sexless marriage

[Els]

1 hour ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

We have an upcoming appointment for MC. He agreed to go, and we have gone in the past but we stopped because he got a new job and we were doing “better”. The truth is, we didn’t utilize her services properly and instead treated it like a venting session about all the other craziness going on (outside of our relationship). It has been a very tumultuous year for our extended family.

Yes, it could be that he is resentful over having children. When we first got pregnant we were not together long term and we’re not planning on having children together. I was on birth control so it took us both by surprise. I gave him the option of completely walking away, and he chose to stay and make a family. Obviously, we can still grow resentments even about things we knowingly chose. That’s something he would have to explore within himself. 

To be fair to him, he really only had a choice between two not-great options at that point: either stay and try to be a dad even if he didn't feel like he wanted to, or abandon his biological child. The option that he would have preferred was no longer available to him. Again, it's not solely your fault and he should also have been more careful, but there are many people who end up getting depressed, resentful, etc when situations like this happen. Perhaps suggest that the two of you talk about this topic in MC?

Aside from that, it does sound like he's stressed about being the sole breadwinner for a family of 5, which is completely understandable, especially with the current living cost crisis. That can certainly affect libido and the amount of energy that he has to put into a relationship. Are you intending to go back to work after the last child is in school?

[SadMamaTo3]

7 minutes ago, Els said:

To be fair to him, he really only had a choice between two not-great options at that point: either stay and try to be a dad even if he didn't feel like he wanted to, or abandon his biological child. The option that he would have preferred was no longer available to him. Again, it's not solely your fault and he should also have been more careful, but there are many people who end up getting depressed, resentful, etc when situations like this happen. Perhaps suggest that the two of you talk about this topic in MC?

Aside from that, it does sound like he's stressed about being the sole breadwinner for a family of 5, which is completely understandable, especially with the current living cost crisis. That can certainly affect libido and the amount of energy that he has to put into a relationship. Are you intending to go back to work after the last child is in school?

He was exuberant about becoming a father. He cried happy tears and held me and talked about names, how we were going to make things work (with him traveling), and just kept saying over and over how happy he was. 
 

I shouldn’t have to share every single detail to get the point across that he CHOSE to be a father, and he was happy to do so. Why jump to negativity and insinuate that he didn’t want to?? That’s one of the worst parts about these forums; most people assume too much.

Yes, in two and a half years I will be back in the workforce full time. I gave up nursing school so I could be a stay at home mom, a decision we BOTH made. I also intend on working much longer than him because he is 10 years older than me, and works a physical job. We plan on him being the parent who stays home and pursues his passion projects.

[SadMamaTo3]

33 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

To me it’s pretty clear he’s dealing with stress and likely anxiety. The beers and football is an attempt to relieve those temporarily. If I’m hearing you right, your children have been unplanned, and having kids is absolutely life changing. Couples very often report a decline in happiness after having kids. I can tell you that being a stay at home parent is as much a full time job (and more) as anything so basically you both are just working all the time. And you have, if I understand correctly zero support. So it’s just the two of you trying to make this work, likely exhausted both emotionally and physically. Something has to give, and for him it seems like it’s his libido. 

I absolutely agree with you. I can’t fix those problems for him though. All I can do is work on myself, something I’ve been doing our entire relationship. Yes we have very little support, and unfortunately, moved across the country after the pandemic to be closer to his family thinking we would have more support here. It’s much cheaper here, but in this economy it doesn’t translate. 

[Els]

2 minutes ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

He was exuberant about becoming a father. He cried happy tears and held me and talked about names, how we were going to make things work (with him traveling), and just kept saying over and over how happy he was.

I shouldn’t have to share every single detail to get the point across that he CHOSE to be a father, and he was happy to do so. Why jump to negativity and insinuate that he didn’t want to??

Because you yourself mentioned how his drive plummeted immediately upon the first pregnancy and never recovered. You also mentioned, yourself, that you think maybe he isn't having sex with you because he's afraid of more pregnancies. Given the information that we have, it's not a stretch to make this guess.

This seems to be a sensitive topic for you, and I don't blame you, but you're not going to get anywhere by avoiding the discussion of a sensitive topic. Why exactly are you against discussing this with him in MC?

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

I shouldn’t have to share every single detail to get the point across that he CHOSE to be a father, and he was happy to do so

Okay but here is the reason the poster thought he was resentful about having kids:

1 hour ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

 

Yes, it could be that he is resentful over having children. 

 

[SadMamaTo3]

2 minutes ago, Els said:

Because you yourself mentioned how his drive plummeted immediately upon the first pregnancy and never recovered. You also mentioned, yourself, that you think maybe he isn't having sex with you because he's afraid of more pregnancies. Given the information that we have, it's not a stretch to make this guess.

This seems to be a sensitive topic for you, and I don't blame you, but you're not going to get anywhere by avoiding the discussion of a sensitive topic. Why exactly are you against discussing this with him in MC?

I never said I was against discussing it with a MC. 
 

Yes it’s an insanely sensitive topic. I hope you never have to experience the depths of loneliness and rejection this has brought me to. 
 

I said that after I expressed (in the act) that sex was hurting me, he immediately stopped, and after that point we never recovered. Not that it was the pregnancy itself. 
 

I said it was possible he was afraid of getting me pregnant again, yes. But a rational person would go to their follow up appointments, or at least call their urologist to see if they had any viable sperm in the first sample given. He hasn’t done those things. So it seems much more complicated than that. 

[SadMamaTo3]

Just now, stillafool said:

Okay but here is the reason the poster thought he was resentful about having kids:

 

Fair. I was making an inference, merely stating that it was a possibility. That’s all I can do at this point because my partner won’t talk about these things. 
 

And before people assume that I am not a safe place to talk about these things; I do not criticize him or diminish his feelings. When he has shared things I am warm and loving. He just chooses not to share, that’s who he is. 

[Els]

3 minutes ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

I never said I was against discussing it with a MC. 
 

Yes it’s an insanely sensitive topic. I hope you never have to experience the depths of loneliness and rejection this has brought me to. 
 

I said that after I expressed (in the act) that sex was hurting me, he immediately stopped, and after that point we never recovered. Not that it was the pregnancy itself. 
 

I said it was possible he was afraid of getting me pregnant again, yes. But a rational person would go to their follow up appointments, or at least call their urologist to see if they had any viable sperm in the first sample given. He hasn’t done those things. So it seems much more complicated than that. 

Indeed, his behaviour doesn't make much sense. However, honestly, nothing about this whole thing makes much sense IMO. If I'm reading your post correctly, you had 3 unplanned pregnancies in the space of 3+ years, with birth control, and in that same period of time you had sex ~15 times (aside from that few month spree). That's... some incredible odds right there. Most people don't have 3 pregnancies in 3+ years even when they are TRYING to and are having unprotected sex multiple times during every ovulation period, let alone sporadic sex with BC. If I were him... well, I would've gotten snipped long ago, but aside from that, I would probably think that my partner was lying to me about being on BC.

I can't say that I know what's going through his mind right now, but I think that aside from the tiredness and stress, this is probably a core part of it. Explore it further with a counselor, is my suggestion. Of course, it's entirely up to you. I'm sorry you're hurting, but people here (including myself) are genuinely trying to help. We're giving you our time and effort for free. If you keep pushing people away, eventually you won't have people to talk to about this.

[SadMamaTo3]

1 minute ago, Els said:

Indeed, his behaviour doesn't make much sense. However, honestly, nothing about this whole thing makes much sense IMO. If I'm reading your post correctly, you had 3 unplanned pregnancies in the space of 3+ years, with birth control, and in that same period of time you had sex ~15 times (aside from that few month spree). That's... some incredible odds right there. Most people don't have 3 pregnancies in 3+ years even when they are TRYING to and are having unprotected sex multiple times during every ovulation period, let alone sporadic sex with BC. If I were him... well, I would've gotten snipped long ago, but aside from that, I would probably think that my partner was lying to me about being on BC.

I can't say that I know what's going through his mind right now, but I think that aside from the tiredness and stress, this is probably a core part of it. Explore it further with a counselor, is my suggestion. Of course, it's entirely up to you. I'm sorry you're hurting, but people here (including myself) are genuinely trying to help. We're giving you our time and effort for free. If you keep pushing people away, eventually you won't have people to talk to about this.

Yes he has made the jokes about me not being on birth control several times. At first it was funny but it got old, QUICK, especially since I was the one who had to do all the gestation!! The women in my family are incredibly fertile, and birth control doesn’t seem to make much of a difference. My sister has 6 children, and has been pregnant many more times than that. Probably half the pregnancies were on birth control. She’s only 34 and will get a tubal ligation after this pregnancy to ensure (maybe?) that she has no more children. 
 

I’m not trying to push people away. I am trying to explain the situation and defend myself from accusations. I’m a woman at the end of my rope.

[BaileyB]

Deleted. 

I hope you find counselling helpful.

 

Edited December 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[SadMamaTo3]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I think this is a common struggle for working parents. I completely understand why you would be upset that your husband does not want to have sex/is not affectionate with you. I would feel the same way…

That said, he is a forty six year old man, working a full time job, and raising three children. I have absolutely no doubt that he is exhausted and unhappy - as was said above, happiness dips in the U curve in mid life but the unhappiest group of all, those with small children. And clearly, the thing to go is his libido. Many women let go of their sex lives at this same stage of life - it’s hard to feel sexy when you are exhausted and overworked with life. 

If it was me, I would be trying to carve out some time to decompress together. My expectations would be minimal - date night once a month? Get a babysitter, take some time for yourselves, and reconnect. Otherwise, I would be communicating my desire to share more affection throughout the day. It’s the little things that go a long way - kiss me before you leave for work, give me a hug when I get home, rub my back before bed… Maybe that’s all he can do most days - 

I think counselling is a good plan. Best wishes. 

 

Thank you. Maybe I’m being a bit unfair, because he DOES show me affection, kisses me hello and goodbye, texts me during the day if he’s able asking how I’m doing, with kiss emojis, holds my hand, etc. I’m just missing the sex!!! I’m a much higher drive than him, and stress doesn’t dampen my drive, in fact it can make the desire more accute because it’s a stress reliever for me. We’ve had penetrative sex one time in the last year. A couple other times I just pleasured him, nothing was done for me. So yeah, resentments have been building. 
 

Definitely things to discuss with my individual therapist and our MC on Monday. 

[Els]

11 minutes ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

We’ve had penetrative sex one time in the last year. A couple other times I just pleasured him, nothing was done for me.

That is pretty crappy of him. Did you ask for non-penetrative pleasure for yourself (e.g. cunnilingus, fingers, etc), and he turned you down? Or did you pretend that you were okay with it?

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

I’m just missing the sex!!! I’m a much higher drive than him, and stress doesn’t dampen my drive, in fact it can make the desire more accute because it’s a stress reliever for me.

I get it. I need sex to feel connected and wanted by my partner too. 

There are lots of issues here. You have mismatched sex drives. You handle and relieve stress differently. For you, sex is more than sex - it’s that feeling of being wanted, connected, validated and loved by your man. He feels connected and loved by you when you give him a kiss and give him some time to watch football and drink beer. 

He is also 46 years old… which is not old, many 46 year old men still want and enjoy sex… but, things do change with age and I will be honest and say, I can’t imagine in my late forties working a full time job, raising three young children, maintaining a house, trying to find time for myself, and trying to find time for sex. We are of that age and the sex definitely declines with age and with life stress/responsibilities. 

You are clearly very different people, with very different needs, and very different ways of feeling loved. I deleted my post because I thought you would find it too simplistic… but, maybe it does come down to lowering your expectations, better communication, and a little more effort/compromise from him. 

 

Edited December 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

We’ve had penetrative sex one time in the last year. A couple other times I just pleasured him, nothing was done for me. So yeah, resentments have been building. 

Of course resentments are building. Once a year is not going to meet anyone’s need in a marriage, and it speaks to a pretty significant problem for him/in the marriage. I hope your counsellor can help you both to negotiate a happier middle ground…

Edited December 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[SadMamaTo3]

54 minutes ago, Els said:

That is pretty crappy of him. Did you ask for non-penetrative pleasure for yourself (e.g. cunnilingus, fingers, etc), and he turned you down? Or did you pretend that you were okay with it?

No I didn’t ask because our baby woke up so it wasn’t in the cards. I pretend I’m okay with it because when I ask for things, I get even less. 

[SadMamaTo3]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Of course resentments are building. Once a year is not going to meet anyone’s need in a marriage, and it speaks to a pretty significant problem for him/in the marriage. I hope your counsellor can help you both to negotiate a happier middle ground…

Thank you. I hope so too. I look forward to learning how to have a healthy relationship!!

[Lotsgoingon]

So sorry you're dealing with this.

I can't help but wonder if your guy has some kind of block to having sex with a recently pregnant woman. Could be some version of the Madonna-Whore thing, where a man has trouble putting together that the woman of his desire is also a mother--and in your case a woman who recently gave birth.

I don't think you should be the one to bring that up, though it would be OK for you to say, "Hey, I worry that since I gave birth, you don't think I want you physically anymore. I do!" You can politely say your body isn't fragile and so on and that both of you are in a committed strong relationship, so sex isn't a bad thing. 

Was he by any chance raised in a household that put shame on the idea of having children with someone you're not married to? Sometimes, it's harder to escape the pull of old values even if we officially reject those values--the values just subtly sink in. 

Really sorry you're dealing with this block. BTW: if you google this issue of husbands losing interest in sex after pregnancy and birth is unfortunately quite common. You're not alone. 

[Acacia98]

OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. On some level, I can relate because I was once in a relationship with someone who eventually settled into a pattern of doing as little as possible where engaging jn the emotional labor to keep our relationship working was concerned. I got the impression that one of the issues was that he didn't understand that one actually had to engage in the business of doing things to connect emotionally and to communicate openly in order to keep a relationship in good shape. But there was more to it than that. I think the other part of it was that he was holding resentment in and then releasing it over time through passive aggression.

If he was uncomfortable discussing something or just wasn't interested in it or wanted to engage in power-play, he would stonewall or make sure he was unavailable to talk. Sometimes it was a difficult subject that provoked this behavior, so it was understandable that he might want to avoid talking about it to avoid conflict. Sometimes it was such an ordinary and harmless subject that I couldn't for the life of me understand why it would provoke such a reaction from him. He was also often very good at putting on a happy face and pretending not to be bothered by stuff, but apparently there was a lot of unexpressed anger and resentment boiling beneath the surface.

And like you, I wasn't the nagging type. And I wasn't confrontational either. I'm the sort of person who will walk on eggshells around someone and try to figure out how to bring up a topic without antagonizing him or hurting him. And if I can't figure it out, I am inclined to give up. In hindsight, I think he was used to dealing with confrontation and humiliation and put-downs, and perhaps he assumed that I would behave that way. So he would put up defenses ahead of time. 

When I met his family, I began to understand why he was this way. His father engaged in similar behavior towards his mother and was very harsh and authoritarian. And I get the impression that his mother was somewhat emotionally aloof. And I got the impression that my boyfriend did not get much emotional nurturing from both his parents during his childhood. I think there was also emotional abuse. He and his siblings were aware that there were serious problems with the way they were raised and would talk about it, but he was somehow oblivious to the fact that he was acting out similar patterns in his relationships as an adult.

Anyway, I get your frustration. I get that it is destroying your self-esteem. I think the only thing you can really do is push for marriage counselling and do everything you reasonably can (without sacrificing your own emotional health) to fight for your relationship. And if it ultimately doesn't work out (because he doesn't want to play his part), then at least you can walk away knowing you gave it your best and it just wasn't meant to be. Do get individual counselling, though. In fact, that should probably be your biggest priority. You need all the support and encouragement you can get.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/12/2023 at 8:38 PM, SadMamaTo3 said:

He is happy to have his nightly beers, watch football, and just chill. 

How much is he drinking daily? How many "beers"?  This, relationship strife and being in his mid40s can certainly affect libido and sexual performance.  

[SadMamaTo3]

Life update: Things have been getting better. He seems to really be taking therapy seriously, as am I. I have been purposely changing the way I am towards him and towards life in general, and I have been doing a lot more self care. 
 

Thanks to everyone who offered words of support and advice. I took everything in and I am trying to be a better woman for my family. 
 

Have a blessed New Year!!!