I was lost so I lost her.

[wandernous]

I was lost, so I lost her.

We broke up two weeks ago after one year.

I tried my best to be there for her but I just failed at it. She loved me with her whole heart, she made an exception out of me, she focused her whole self on me. She was the giver, and I could not give her back enough. I tried but I failed. She told me many times how happy I make her, but it wasn't enough. She didn't expect much more than me to be there for her. I could not process her emotions, I was stuck, I did not know what to do to comfort her, even though she told me what she needs. I was stuck in myself. I could not do it. I tried my best, to give my small gestures, which weren't enough. I knew it and I couldn't do better. It made me go more far away the closer we got, the more she needed me. I did what she was feared of the most, leave her alone. It was in moments she thinks she really needed me, and I could not see why she would need me. I did not mean it in this way, I was blind, I damped my emotions, I lost myself in a virtual world. I lost myself. I wanted to be there but I couldn't. I feel a lot of guilt, I've lost someone that truly loved me, I could not give her what she needed. I just couldn't do it.

The breakup was initiated from her side. She told me after a weeklong break, that she felt a spark again in herself and that she focused her whole energy on me, so she wants to focus on herself now. She told me I was a good first relationship & I'm a good human with a good heart. She wrote me a letter how proud she was to have a relationship with me, that I have learned her a lot of things about herself, showed her beautiful places in this world. I should go find myself, find good people do my school and if the universe wants, we will meet again.I broke down two days later & made a note in our calendar telling her that I love her and I don't want her to go. She told me she made her decision. I called and asked her if she still loves me & that I have never felt this feeling before. She told me a hesitant yes, but love is not everything. She couldn't be there for me anymore.  I couldn't be the one talking to her right now. I did understand, apologised for the call and that I was thankful for everything she gave me. I called her by accident after two days again, because I was deleting her contact. I hung up immediately but she still saw my missed call. She asked if everything was okay, I replied with a yes and that I was sorry for bothering. I think this pushed her further away. She removed me on Socials.

Since two weeks there is no contact, even tho she has to bring me one of my belongings she borrowed, she told me she doesn't know if that's a good idea when I'm such in an emotional state. I understand.  I wonder if she's ever going to reach out.

It is my first heartbreak. She was on my side when I got my first own apartment, decorated with me, spent beautiful time together. Everything is gone.

She seems to move on so fast. I feel empty, I know I failed. I can't stop thinking about her, I'm going in circles, drowning it the past. The sky has to clouds and rain.

I don't know how to forgive myself. I want apologise to her, but I don't want to break her need for space. I think I will give it time for now. I know I can't have her back, even when she told me multiple times when it's meant to be it will be. I want her to be happy, I want her to bloom in this world. So I have to let her go, for us.

I understand what I didn't understand back then. It's too late. It's eating me alive in the day. I lost her so I lost myself.

I'm on to doing therapy & working hard on myself.

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, wandernous said:

 I lost myself in a virtual world. I lost myself. She told me after a weeklong break, that she felt a spark again in herself and that she focused her whole energy on me, so she wants to focus on herself now.  She told me she made her decision.. I called her by accident after two days again. I think this pushed her further away. She removed me on Socials.Im on to doing therapy & working hard on myself.

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? What do you mean by "lost myself in a virtual world"?

It seems like you have good insight into why the relationship broke down because of your unavailability. 

Please remain no contact, not only because she asked, but for yourself to reflect in peace.  It's great you're working on yourself and doing therapy.

Please keep in mind that she may simply want to be free to explore life. 

[d0nnivain]

Relationships are two way streets; both people have to give of themselves to the other.  When one doesn't, the other doesn't get their needs met, feels hurt & eventually leaves because staying is too painful.  

You said you couldn't give her what she wanted & needed; you moved away from her.   Hopefully after the initially heart break & pain subside, you will be able to process what happened, learn from your mistakes & be a better partner in your next relationship. 

[wandernous]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? What do you mean by "lost myself in a virtual world"?

It seems like you have good insight into why the relationship broke down because of your unavailability. 

Please remain no contact, not only because she asked, but for yourself to reflect in peace.  It's great you're working on yourself and doing therapy.

Please keep in mind that she may simply want to be free to explore life. 

 

She's 21. I was not in the best state & I lost myself playing games because it was one of the only things making me feel comfortable at the time.

I didn't want to be around when I had draining energy; for both of us. 

I don't know if I'll be able to fix this.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, wandernous said:

 I lost myself playing games because it was one of the only things making me feel comfortable at the time.

Please try not to focus on "fixing this" and respect her wishes for no contact and her decision to end things.

What you can do is start turning your life around through the therapy. 

Here is some information that might be helpful:

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/23124-video-game-addiction

[d0nnivain]

You can't fix things with her but you can work on yourself to find comfort & positive energy from something other than video games.