Ignored. What to do?

[Sheppy1235]

I've been with my gf for 3 years. She has two kids. We live together. I'm extremely helpful with her kids. Get along with the 10 year old. The eldest child is the definition of a golden child and is 15. Definitely behaves like an entitled child too. Mother has an extreme friend level relationship. Little one is the black sheep. Sad.

 

Anyhow, the issue is that whenever we travel, I basically end up being the fourth leg. Like I took them to Chicago and the entire trip they walked side by side and I was left to follow, even though I knew the directions to where we went. Sometimes I'd let them keep walking to see how far they would go before realizing I existed and they'd walk two blocks before they realized. That's pretty common on trips with all of us.

On this trip, on the way back after mentioning my concern she basically ignored me. Like no car conversation.

I don't want to be the center of attention, but geez... Maybe a little involvement.

On trips alone, gf is the opposite. Very close.

Recently we went out to a concert with one of her friends and the girls/her kids.

The entire time walking to the concert she's holding hands with the teen and talking to the friend.

At the concert three seats were together and one was behind the others. This was all they had available I was told. I sat in the back behind them. Literally the whole concert they didn't turn around once.

During the concert I went to the restroom and got a bottle of water. Note-We ate before going to the concert. I didn't think they could still be hungry.

I returned.

GF was furious that I didn't ask them if they wanted any food. She gave me the silent treatment the rest of the night.

Said I was selfish.

Leaving the concert they walked together talking with me tagging behind.

I [got mad] and just walked leisurely behind like 500ft.

I drove the friend home. She joked, "does anyone need an uber"

I discussed the matter later and she said I was selfish for not offering to take her kids to buy food.

I explained I had to gooo. It was an emergency. That is all.

After a day she was fine.

A lot of her friends are friends of her friends. She meets a friend of a friend at an event and suddenly they become like her favorite person. People she's met fairly recently. Like the woman at the concert..A woman 15 who years older than her. Who paid for the concert I learned later. Wealthy. I say this because to me she is associating more with people who are at a different social level as she is. And she benefits directly and indirectly.

I love her. But her lack of consideration is lacking. And it's troubling. I'm laid back and chill. Great job. Adventurous. She's the social butterfly. Pretty. Extraverted.

I've thought about proposing recently. Should I?

 

Edited December 14, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[d0nnivain]

No you should not propose.  When there are issues you work them out before you make the relationship permanent.  

You need to point blank tell her that you would prefer she hold your hand when walking.   Start with the small changes. 

[BaileyB]

To add to what was said above, the silent treatment is not an effective conflict resolution strategy. I would have the hard conversation with her to tell her that you don’t appreciate when she shuts down and shuts you out - you will need to communicate better how you want to manage conflict in your relationship and she will need to meet you halfway. 

Edited December 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Sheppy1235 said:

I've been with my gf for 3 years. She has two kids. We live together. . Get along with the 10 year old. The eldest child is the definition of a golden child and is 15.

How long have you lived together? Is it your place or her place? How old is she?

Do you have children?  Do her children have child support and a visitation schedule with their father?  Do they live with her full-time? 

Unfortunately it seems like you're having difficulty being in a sort of stepfather role as it is. Almost as if you feel marginalized. 

If she and her children live in your house you can certainly have house rules, but basically you seem to disagree with her parenting style, particularly coddling her kids.

If she treats you like a means to an end more than a partner, please reconsider rushing to the altar. 

 

[Sheppy1235]

45yrs old. Her condo. Gets 2500 per month cs..Makes about 80000 herself as a hourly contract worker.  I make significantly more. She gets 500 monthly from a rental that her parents gave to her. I have two kids in college. Full rides. I pay no cs due to ex making more than me. She is custodial. He ex was a dead beat. Court forced him to pay our else.

House note is 800per month. I pay her 1100.

They see him every other weekend and weds. Although more often than not they do not go because he has some excuse or the eldest doesn't want to go, so mom let's her stay home and the youngest goes.

Those are the details.

 

 

[FMW]

No.  Do not propose when there is an ongoing issue that needs to be resolved.  

Definitely tell her you are feeling left out, and that her silent treatment isolates you even further. 

Maybe sit out the next trip or event - let her go just with her kids or her friends.  Use the time to hang out with your friends or just spend some quality alone time.  Maybe she for some reason is resenting you being there sometimes?

Do you think her ignoring you in these circumstances is some kind of passive aggressive reaction to her thinking you should have already proposed - is that why you are considering doing it now?

Talk to her about it, calmly and without laying guilt.  

 

[Els]

Eh, I can see both sides here.

You're clearly seething with resentment about how you feel like you're being mistreated when you're going out with her and her kids, it's literally oozing out of your post. I'm 100% sure that you exude those same vibes IRL and everyone is picking up on it, making every outing with you a rather awkward and negative event. IMO, it makes sense that she is focusing on her friends and kids when she is out with her friends and kids. I'm not sure what you expected her to do in the cinema scenario - should she hold hands with you and just leave her kids to walk with her friend? Or hold your hand and one kid's hand and leave her friend to walk with the other kid?

On the other hand, the silent treatment is not a good method of communication and I'd be concerned if a person whom I was with was using it regularly whenever they got upset. Taking time alone to deescalate is fine, but it should be communicated in advance. So yes, red flag on her part.

If you want to stay with her, it seems to me like the solution is just to not join her when she goes out with her friends and kids. And both of you need to agree to not employ the "silent treatment", perhaps by talking to a counselor to figure out better ways of communicating your issues.

 

Edited December 15, 2023 by Els

[mark clemson]

You're not married - maybe she doesn't "mean anything" by her behavior, but it sounds like she needs to stop taking you for granted.

IMO she needs to appreciate and respect you more (or at least show it more) when out with others. Not have you in "third wheel" mode and treat you almost like you're not there. Have a calm, rational discussion about this.

Maybe there are adjustments you could make to meet her halfway if she's willing to try to change. IF she isn't at all or won't hear your side of the story, it may be time to consider whether you want this going on indefinitely if you stay together.

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Sheppy1235 said:

House note is 800per month. I pay her 1100.

They see him every other weekend and weds. Although more often than not they do not go because he has some excuse or the eldest doesn't want to go, so mom let's her stay home and the youngest goes.

It's seems like a good deal financially, to live in her place but you may have to accept her parenting style  if you plan to stay together.  

Edited December 15, 2023 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Els said:

IMO, it makes sense that she is focusing on her friends and kids when she is out with her friends and kids.

I was thinking the same thing. She needs time with her friends and her kids without you, be you need time together without her friends and kids. Perhaps you need to renegotiate expectations as it relates to time together and time apart. 

[MsJayne]

On 12/15/2023 at 3:53 AM, Sheppy1235 said:

I've thought about proposing recently. Should I?

Are you serious?! 😬  Good God! NO!!

On 12/15/2023 at 3:53 AM, Sheppy1235 said:

Get along with the 10 year old. The eldest child is the definition of a golden child and is 15. Definitely behaves like an entitled child too. Mother has an extreme friend level relationship. Little one is the black sheep. Sad.

This is typical of a narcissistic parent. I'm not saying she's a narcissist, just smells like one. I feel very sorry for the 10 yo. Noticeable favoritism is a form of child abuse and can be extremely damaging. 

On 12/15/2023 at 3:53 AM, Sheppy1235 said:

She meets a friend of a friend at an event and suddenly they become like her favorite person.

So, super shallow as well as rude, inconsiderate, and self-absorbed. Always on the lookout for new people to charm and use. Yep, definitely stinking of narcissism now. 

My advice is, look past the pretty face and see the pig-in-lipstick for what it is, and then run, but not before giving her a lecture about emotionally abusing her youngest child. She needs to be confronted about that in a big way, preferably in front of other people so that the humiliation drives the message home. Why on Earth would you be in love with a mother who does that to one of her kids? 

 

 

[Sheppy1235]

I have told her about the favoritism and treatment the youngest receives. She's a great kid. It's pretty bad. The eldest and mom basically are bullies to the little one. I tell her how amazing she is everyday. And to stand up for herself.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/14/2023 at 12:53 PM, Sheppy1235 said:

I've been with my gf for 3 years. She has two kids. We live together.  The eldest child is the definition of a golden child and is 15. Definitely behaves like an entitled child too. Mother has an extreme friend level relationship. 

Unfortunately it seems like you're competing with a 15 year old child for your GFs attention.  It's great you have a good rapport with the 10 year old. Please keep in mind, these kids have a father they see regularly. The 15 year old may be going through a stage where she's closer to the mother because of puberty  type issues. No need to propose right now.  Especially if you dislike your GFs parenting style. 

Edited December 16, 2023 by Wiseman2

[introverted1]

On 12/14/2023 at 5:27 PM, Sheppy1235 said:

House note is 800per month. I pay her 1100.

Huh?  Why?

 

[semble]

34 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Huh?  Why?

Probably because the mortgage is only one expense of several monthly expenses that can easily be double the $1100 he's giving her.

[introverted1]

15 minutes ago, semble said:

Probably because the mortgage is only one expense of several monthly expenses that can easily be double the $1100 he's giving her.

I'd like to hear from him if the $1100 is his entire contribution or if that's just rent.

 

[smackie9]

Dude your GF is a total user. You need to step back and review this whole relationship and see for yourself. You sound like her man servant, not the man in her life. Like wow.