Choosing a new direction

[FredEire]

Hey everyone.

I wanted to make a post more about where I feel I am generally than any specific instance - basically very confused.

I'm now 30 years old and have had one (very dysfunctional) long term committed relationship, which ended up lasting about a year and ended almost 4 years ago.

In the periods before and after this I've had a lot of casual partners and as a younger man I had no hesitation around basically jumping on whatever situation presented itself as the whole thing just seemed like a fun adventure, as I would say is fairly normal for guys in their late teens and early 20s.

I've always had a lot of trouble meeting anyone I'm attracted to on a deeper level and see something potentially serious developing with, and I could probably count these instances on one hand in my adult life.

Apart from my one committed relationship there's been many opportunities to enter into something over the years but more often than not I've spent some time with a girl, those around me tell me she seems great and I should give it a go and although the girl in question has been giving me every kind of hint possible I just don't feel that strongly about her and have to let her down gently.

On the rare occasion I do feel a strong attraction towards someone it generally seems to end in some kind of conflict, often before it's had the chance to develop into anything substantial, as I described in a post I made recently. It's to the point that now when I do (very rarely) start to feel like there could be something meaningful on the cards I start to wonder how the situation will blow up and end in headache and heartbreak, making me feel that when it does I've manifested it into reality.

Over the last few weeks I've been on a couple of dates and nights out where there's been opportunities of casual hook-ups and although my animal brain says to go for it something else within me says it just isn't worth it and I'd regret waking up in the bed of some girl I'd met while drunk and barely know at all.

I've been to therapy for the best part of 15 years and it's helped me gain a lot of perspective on my broader life, but I find myself at a crossroads in terms of dating. I enjoy sex as much as the next person but more and more feel that casual sex and/or dating may just be unhealthy. On the other hand, waiting around for someone special to come along seems to be building up too much of an expectation, and the idea of only going on dates to look for "the one" seems like an exercise in frustration. A period of sobriety and voluntary celibacy has crossed my mind as an option as well.

All in all at this point in my life I just find myself confused and unsure where to go from here. Any and all thoughts welcome.

[Alpacalia]

Stop thinking about it.... I know, I know...not very deep. 🤪

[Gaeta]

I'm curious why every attempt of dating ends with a disagrerment?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, FredEire said:

something else within me says it just isn't worth it and I'd regret waking up in the bed of some girl I'd met while drunk and barely know at all. A period of sobriety and voluntary celibacy has crossed my mind as an option as well.

Perhaps hitting 30 is making you rethink things. For example maybe you're more ready to settle down and drunken one night stands are getting tiresome? 

Definitely consider cutting back on drinking and waking up with randoms. 

[FredEire]

31 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm curious why every attempt of dating ends with a disagrerment?

Your guess is as good as mine. As with the thread I put up recently I sometimes struggle to see what merited that kind of situation.

I met up with a girl a couple of times a while back, had a bit of interest and was curious to see where it went. She ended up telling me fairly straight forwardly she wasn't romantically interested in me, we finished our drinks went home and that was that.

I remember thinking at the time how unusual it was that I'd been turned down by someone and no particular mad drama had taken place!

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps hitting 30 is making you rethink things. For example maybe you're more ready to settle down and drunken one night stands are getting tiresome? 

Definitely consider cutting back on drinking and waking up with randoms. 

Indeed. I think part of the issue is realising time unfortunately seems to speed up as you age and feeling the pressure of that.

The idea of one night stands definitely does seem increasingly tiresome, but meeting someone and really hitting it off with them is a very rare occasion.

I'm very socially active and have been working on myself for a long time, so it's not that I'm deliberately closing myself off or not getting out there.

I also feel sometimes I'm still way off able to have a healthy relationship in terms of my relationship with myself. I had a difficult upbringing and have been exploring that through various different means for years, but there's always been a massive amount to unpack and it can just get frustrating sometimes.

As @Alpacalia said maybe just not thinking about it is part of the answer. I'm a big overthinker 😅

[seany25]

I relate to some of this. I recognise the confliction about what's the right and wrong thing to do. I want a relationship, but when a stable girl who would be great for one comes my way I find a flaw with her to end it because ultimately she doesn't excite me as much as other girls have. Unfortunately, those more exciting girls are always one-night stands. Can't a guy catch a happy medium? 🫠

I definitely encourage you to go through with the sobriety thing. Good timing, too. How about doing it for the new year?

I did exactly that last year. Long story short, I am a heavy, problematic drinker who doesn't know when to stop. So the last time I had a drink was on boxing day last year. I do plan to have one on boxing day this year (only 10 days to go) but the mission I set myself was to take a year off, it was not about going fully teetotal. It's been amazing, too. I had just started a new job and didn't want to mess it up (got fired from one the year before because of drinking) and just wanted to focus fully on bettering myself.

You can't do that if you're entering every week hungover, which I was, and which a lot of people do. It's a terrible way to begin the week. I'm not suggesting this is what you do too, but ultimately, setting down the bottle is incredibly refreshing. You really feel the clarity around the 6 to 8 week mark.

Go for it!

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I relate to some of this. I recognise the confliction about what's the right and wrong thing to do. I want a relationship, but when a stable girl who would be great for one comes my way I find a flaw with her to end it because ultimately she doesn't excite me as much as other girls have. Unfortunately, those more exciting girls are always one-night stands. Can't a guy catch a happy medium? 🫠

I definitely encourage you to go through with the sobriety thing. Good timing, too. How about doing it for the new year?

I did exactly that last year. Long story short, I am a heavy, problematic drinker who doesn't know when to stop. So the last time I had a drink was on boxing day last year. I do plan to have one on boxing day this year (only 10 days to go) but the mission I set myself was to take a year off, it was not about going fully teetotal. It's been amazing, too. I had just started a new job and didn't want to mess it up (got fired from one the year before because of drinking) and just wanted to focus fully on bettering myself.

You can't do that if you're entering every week hungover, which I was, and which a lot of people do. It's a terrible way to begin the week. I'm not suggesting this is what you do too, but ultimately, setting down the bottle is incredibly refreshing. You really feel the clarity around the 6 to 8 week mark.

Go for it!

Thanks for your thoughts on that. Yeah, sobriety has been a thought for a long time.

It's a great social aid unfortunately and I find getting out and about is often a lot more boring if I don't have anything to drink, but it's a question of readjusting and finding new ways to approach it I guess.

The aftermath is getting less and less worth it vs when I was 20 and would feel bad for 2/3 hours max. I totally agree with you, starting off a week tired slow and stupid is daft, but it's one of many damaging behaviours that society teaches is normal.

Edited December 16, 2023 by FredEire

[seany25]

9 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Thanks for your thoughts on that. Yeah, sobriety has been a thought for a long time.

It's a great social aid unfortunately and I find getting out and about is often a lot more boring if I don't have anything to drink, but it's a question of readjusting and finding new ways to approach it I guess.

The aftermath is getting less and less worth it vs when I was 20 and would feel bad for 2/3 hours max. I totally agree with you, starting off a week tired slow and stupid is daft, but it one of many damaging behaviours that society teaches is normal.

The pandemic changed things for me. I used to go out most Saturday nights pubbing and clubbing before it, and now I am not interested. I prefer Saturday nights in watching boxing and UFC. Sure, I have not had a drink in a while, so perhaps when I have one soon I may get a bit more excited at the idea of heading out now and again to socialise and meet some girls. In fact, I want that. I think I need it, given the last few weeks I've been through (or rather, the few weeks I've put myself through haha).

What's the longest you've ever taken off drink? This is the longest I've done by a wade margin. Ever since I first got drunk at 10 years old I've never gone more than 2 or 3 months.

Yup, I s*it you not. I was 10 😬 St. Patricks Day 95'

Edited December 16, 2023 by seany25

[smackie9]

You won't find anyone meaningful until you find meaningfulness within yourself. It's not just about money, attraction and sex to build a relationship. You need to be emotionally intellectual. The therapy you are in, doesn't help you in this area. As they say...go discover yourself, self improve, build a new perspective.

[FredEire]

32 minutes ago, seany25 said:

The pandemic changed things for me. I used to go out most Saturday nights pubbing and clubbing before it, and now I am not interested. I prefer Saturday nights in watching boxing and UFC. Sure, I have not had a drink in a while, so perhaps when I have one soon I may get a bit more excited at the idea of heading out now and again to socialise and meet some girls. In fact, I want that. I think I need it, given the last few weeks I've been through (or rather, the few weeks I've put myself through haha).

What's the longest you've ever taken off drink? This is the longest I've done by a wade margin. Ever since I first got drunk at 10 years old I've never gone more than 2 or 3 months.

Yup, I s*it you not. I was 10 😬 St. Patricks Day 95'

I was living at my family home during the pandemic, so probably around 5 or 6 months. But wasn't doing any kind of socialising during that period.

Edited December 16, 2023 by FredEire

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You won't find anyone meaningful until you find meaningfulness within yourself. It's not just about money, attraction and sex to build a relationship. You need to be emotionally intellectual. The therapy you are in, doesn't help you in this area. As they say...go discover yourself, self improve, build a new perspective.

Yeah indeed, think you make a good point. Many times I feel part of the issue is lacking a life mission, something bigger to really strive for that's not just the day job. I can tend to turn my energies inward and that's not been good for me.

[smackie9]

3 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah indeed, think you make a good point. Many times I feel part of the issue is lacking a life mission, something bigger to really strive for that's not just the day job. I can tend to turn my energies inward and that's not been good for me.

Please don't join some cult religion lol. Find meaning in volunteering, an activity like fishing, or hiking, photography, getting with nature, meditation. 

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

Please don't join some cult religion lol. Find meaning in volunteering, an activity like fishing, or hiking, photography, getting with nature, meditation. 

😂

Yeah haha don't worry I'm not off to join the scientologists just yet.

My two biggest passions in life hobby wise are writing and music but I've never given them a serious push in terms of putting things out there. It could be something good to focus on.

[CaliforniaGirl]

You seem like a decent guy. You'll find that great relationship. You're at the time of life when you want something more. Explore it, enjoy it.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, FredEire said:

. Yeah, sobriety has been a thought for a long time., but it's a question of readjusting and finding new ways to approach it I guess.

Try looking into some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons.  Not everything has to involve alcohol. The bonus is you could also meet like-minded people and women.

Here some info:

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice/calculating-alcohol-units/