This is how my husband see's our finances.

[KellyS1220]

I wanted to get the opinion of others on how my husband see’s our finances. For context, he’s self-employed (running his own business by selling TCG cards online and at card shows) while I’m full-time (working anywhere from 40 to 56 hours a week). Whatever money that he makes he has in his own separate business checking account. My money goes into a joint checking account.

The way that he does things with his own finances is that anything that he makes from selling his TCG cards is basically his money because it’s from his business. He does use that money sometimes when we go out to eat or buy random groceries, but I also contribute to both of those things as well as pay the rent and anything else that comes with an apartment. On top of that, I pay for our cellphones and internet (Spectrum), two life insurances for myself, car payment (107.00 comes out of my check every week), car and renter’s insurance, a monthly Prime membership and a spattering of some other things. Where I think that he’s wrong in our financial situation is with the fact that if he has to spend some of his business money to help me pay for bills/rent/etc, I have to pay him back.

I was out of work for 5 months because of medical issues (arthritis, pinched nerves, etc with my neck and lower back) which I had to get steroid injections into my spine in order to be able to return to full-time. During the time that I was off, the third-party company that my own job had switched to for short term disability benefits wasn’t the best at giving my paychecks on time. Sometimes they would owe me 3 or 4 checks at a time because I would go without payments for weeks until my STD was extended. It was a whole ordeal. On top of that, I wasn’t getting paid as much (around 650 a week) because I wasn’t working, especially the overtime. During this time, my bank account went into the negative on multiple occasions and he had to give me money to pay bills. He also had to pay for us to rent a U-Haul when we needed to move to a new apartment and had only 3 weeks to do so. We were renting a whole building (1,750 a month combined) because our apartment was above and his retail space (actually more so a large office) was below so the guy split it and gave us a better deal because we rented from him before.

I’ll just say that we had both places for about a year and I wouldn’t be lying if I said that my husband actually went downstairs to work maybe 6 or 7 times even though before getting the place he said that he would be there 10+ hours a day and working more than I was. That never happened. The most he worked at any given time was 4 or 5 hours a couple times a week and not every week. I know. What were we thinking? Honestly, I didn’t mind the price that we were paying for the apartment (2 bed, 1.5 bath) and his office was his own thing because that’s his business.

But I’m going off course here. So like I said, he helped us pay to move because I didn’t have the money to pay for everything on top of the bills. After he paid that and we were moved into our new apartment, I was still off work. Anytime that money was brought up, or he had to give me some for bills, he always threw it in my face about how he paid for everything when we were moving. We have a 2 bedroom (around 850 sq ft) apartment now and his TCG stuff is everywhere. The only place that doesn’t have his cards in it is our bedroom (we share with our 6 year old son because he took our son’s room for his office) and the bathroom. That’s it. The kitchen, living room, entry way.

Honestly, at this point I hate those pieces of cardboard and he knows that. So he’s had to help me pay rent and some of the bills while I wasn’t working and missing my paychecks for weeks. He would always get upset and say things like, “I guess I’ll never have money for my business.” Or “How am I supposed to pay off my credit card?” I had a credit card at the time as well to help raise my credit (my only credit card) because we had to file for bankruptcy in 2019.

He got diagnosed with MS and didn’t work for a while (I did the whole time to pay bills) and just my paycheck wasn’t enough to pay for the mortgage, loans, credit cards, etc we had. Bankruptcy seemed like the only option at the time. Hs credit card limit is probably close to 5k credit limit, as is mine.

Throughout the time that I was off, I had maxed mine out ($900 for dental operation for our son took a chunk of that) to pay for things as I wasn’t getting as much money in. He maxxes his out more frequently but then pays it off in full when he gets card money saved up. He uses his credit card to make bigger purchases for like inventory or paying for grading submissions. I’ve worked at my job for over 4 years and get a bonus every few months as well as one at the end of the year based on how many hours I’ve worked and several other factors. I had 800 hours less this year than last year because of being off for those 5 months and still made as much as I did last year for my end of the year bonus. 4k went directly to my credit card to pay it down (had planned on paying it in full) and almost 2k went to my husband to pay him back for the money he gave me over the time I was off. It wasn’t all of what I owed him because I didn’t have enough. The 1.9k was just a recent amount that I owed him.

Whenever he gave me money he would keep track and say “You owe me (insert amount) now. You can pay me back when you get your bonus.” I had around 500 or 600 dollars left in my checking after paying my card and him. Another example: We bought our son a computer for Christmas this year, which my husband paid for because I didn’t have that in my checking and he just used his regular checking account (not business), but I had to pay him back (at bonus time). This purchase, around $767 was part of the 1.9k I owed him. Well, we had issues with shipping and never got the package so I had the company refund me. He got his money back within a day or two. What’s messed up is that I had already paid him the $767 because of the 1.9k but he also wanted to keep the refund. I told him that that was messed up, so he decided on just getting half. Hours later I discussed it with him and told him I wanted all of it back. He wasn’t happy about it and said some things but in the end I got the $767 back. Luckily I did because two bills had to come out of my checking the next day and I didn’t have enough to pay them. So this is what I’m dealing with.

I didn’t ask him for money when he wasn’t working and I was paying for everything. When I first got with him he later because unemployed for 2 years, while I’ve worked the whole time we’ve been together (14 years). He got unemployment but wasn’t really making any effort to look for jobs. I’m getting to the point that I don’t even want to argue with him about finances and just drop it when they get brought up. I’m back to work now (since beginning of October) so my paychecks are back to being every week. I just want to know what other people thing. Am I just overreacting to how he thinks our finances should work? He could make a lot more money if he wasn’t lazy and put forth the effort he always talks about doing but never does. I told him that I’d pay money to know just how much YouTube and streaming services he’s watched in the last year. He’s at home all day unless we have to travel on the weekends for his job, in which I drive because he doesn’t and can’t. No license and he’s never had one. I didn’t give all the details because then this post would be even longer, but that’s the situation I deal with.

Edited December 16, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

This sounds like a nightmare.  I think you need both a financial counsellor and a marriage counsellor.  Even better if you find one who can do both topics.  

Is all of your marriage horrible, or is it just the finances and his unsold cards around the house?   You say that your husband doesn't work much, so is he doing school drop off and pick ups?  Packing lunches, cleaning the house and cooking meals?

 

[Weezy1973]

How much does his business make per year? And how much is his income per year? 
 

There really are multiple problems here, but the main one is his laziness. I suspect he doesn’t contribute to the joint finances because there’s nothing really to contribute. His “business” is really just a hobby. Unless he’s doing all the chores around the house, he should at minimum a part time job to contribute to the family finances, and then he can continue earning extra doing his hobby if he wants. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Please take care of yourself and your son. Does your husband qualify for disability because of the MS? 

Please set aside money for yourself and your child. Consider speaking with an attorney for information support and advice on how to manage finances and possibly dissolve the marriage.

Your son doesn't even have a bedroom. Have social services or CPS been to your home? Does your husband have a hoarding disorder?

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/17682-hoarding-disorder

[NuevoYorko]

I don't have anything constructive to say.  Posts like this answer their own questions.

You are obviously going along with this situation in all of its dysfunction, you are completely aware of all the dysfunction, yet you keep on going.

Why?

[stillafool]

You didn't mention what your husband's response is when you've brought all of this up to him that you feel the finances aren't split fairly.  What was his response?

[d0nnivain]

You two need to sit down & make a budget that includes how much you will each contribute to household costs.  

In a marriage both partners pay for living costs.  

Edited December 18, 2023 by d0nnivain