Girlfriend tells me she is falling in love and I responded poorly

[alertingalt]

Little context: We (M 38/F34)had been dating for about 3 months now. There were never any issues and everything was easy and flowing really well. We even commented it seemed like we had been dating longer than we had and had talks about future.

We were watching a movie when she told me "I think I am falling in love with you". I was surprised by this statement. I responded back "I have really strong feelings for you too". She took that as she told me she loved me and I didnt respond back with that. At that time, I didnt really think of it like that.  Ans  everything seemed fine at first.

Over the next week, she told me where she wanted to go for her birthday in March and I met her nephew for the first time. However, I started to notice she was contacting me a little less. We were talking everyday and exchanging messages. But from her end it was slowing down and I was always the one calling.
She then canceled our date night and said she was just too tired and wanted to reschedule. This was not super surprising because she was working a ton of hours of late and got scheduled for more. She has been working a ton of hours in general.

However, the next day she text messaged me: I am just too busy for a relationship right now and you deserve someone who can spend more time with you, go on trips together. I dont want to bring you into my mess more because you will end up miserable because I just dont have time and not right for a relationship
Even with the change in behavior, this was surprising because how well things had been going. I tried to text her back asking for more info. She responded a day later saying she is sorry I am a great person but its just not right timing and she wants to end it now before its miserable. She agreed to do a call with me but then never answered her phone. I messaged her back I am happy to accommodate my schedule and sent her flowers. I never heard back and that was  2-3 days ago
At this point, I feel the relationship is over. However, I keep wondering if I blew this with my response. It was just very fast end to something that seemed really promising.

TLDR: Girlfriend said she loved me, I was little taken back and didnt respond best way, she breaks up with me soon after

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

  Girlfriend said she loved me, I was little taken back and didnt respond best way, she breaks up with me soon after

Sorry this is happening. It's possible that after 3 months dating she was hurt by your sort of "meh" reply.

Unfortunately she's using the "too busy" explanation for ending it so it's difficult to tell if the statement itself left her feeling iced out or it things just fizzled and life got in the way.  All you can do is step back and see if she contacts you eventually. 

[alertingalt]

@Wiseman2thanks for reply. I didnt mean it in a meh way and have since told her in text how I feel. But its clearly not getting me anywhere. It has led me to feeling very guilty because I feel like I started the end of something I did very much care about.

[seany25]

Damn, sorry to hear this has happened to you, bro. I can imagine that sting.

I don't think you did anything wrong. It's an unrealistic expectation that we have to hear "I love you too" when we declare our love for someone. I know you're beating yourself up about the response but you were being authentic instead of just going "aww I love you too" just to make her feel cute for a moment. There's no point in saying those words until one means them.

I actually think those words are thrown around too much these days. I've recently discovered the term "infatuation". I mean, I had of course heard it before, but I am beginning to wonder if some of the previous girls I believed I was "in love" with, I was actually infatuated with instead. It's quite possible, because most of my relationships have been short or casual.

People need to be more familiar of this term, especially in the early stages of a relationship. I suspect a LOT of people have unnecessarily had relationships terminated because the word "love" popped up (including me).

Edited December 16, 2023 by seany25

[MsJayne]

Oh dear, yep, you definitely gave the wrong response. She sounds like a savvy woman who knows her own mind and what she wants from a relationship and so took your response onboard immediately and reassessed how much value she placed on the relationship. In short, you diminished her by being luke-warm, and she's too smart to play that game, she knows her own worth. Do you want this woman in your life? Are you in love with her? If the answer's yes, you need to drop your cautious approach and allow yourself to be vulnerable. But you need to get on it today yesterday, because smart women don't sit around crying over the one that got away, they sit around celebrating the fact that they didn't waste too much time with the fool who dithered over commitment because he thought he might find someone better. 

[MsJayne]

16 minutes ago, seany25 said:

It's an unrealistic expectation that we have to hear "I love you too" when we declare our love for someone.

Yes, it is. But it's not unrealistic, when the object of your affection doesn't respond in kind, to accept it and move on immediately. In fact, that's the behaviour of a person who's fully in control of their emotions. If you don't know how you feel about someone after three months of dating them chances are you're just using them to fill the companionship void. Also, who said she expected to hear ''I love you" back at her? She may just be a brave woman who was stating her case because she wanted to clarify whether she was in a relationship or just wasting her time. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, alertingalt said:

I didnt mean it in a meh way and have since told her in text how I feel.

I'm wondering what you've said to try and fix it.   And what's with the texting.....is she refusing to speak to you? 

That aside, could it be true that her work is the problem?  Had you ever expressed frustration with her limited availability?  

[alertingalt]

@MsJayne this is a very fair comment. In my own defense, we were talking about potentially moving in together in a couple of months if things were going well. I also was introducing her to my parents in the next couple of days. So I was clearly committing to her. However, I still agree that I gave the wrong response even though I am in love with her. I was planning on doing something really nice and setting up a romantic date to share those feelings. Now... I am not sure there is a future with her. She is no longer responding even though I have messaged her my feelings. 

[alertingalt]

@basil At first no she was not responding to me.  I have not been able to get an audience with her. I sent flowers a couple of times and she finally responded to me. We talked over the phone for a couple of days and the calls seemed to be getting better. Not about relationship or what happened but general things. I asked for a coffee date and she accepted. However, the day of the coffee date I texted her to confirm she basically ghosted me and didnt respond if she was going. She then texted me sorry she was just so busy after the time we were supposed to me passed. I called her and she said she was on phone with her father and would call me back. I never heard back. So not great and at this point sort of at a loss on what i can do and if i just need to learn from this and move on.

 

No I had not expressed frustration with her limited availability. In fact I moved things around on my side to make it easier for her

Edited December 16, 2023 by alertingalt

[MsJayne]

3 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

However, the day of the coffee date she basically ghosted me and didnt respond to confirm she was going. She then texted me sorry she was just so busy.

OK, now she's the one being foolish. I'd just leave it, if she needs you to chase after her at the three-month mark that's a worry because it smacks too much of punishment. People who give the "so busy" excuse are usually full of it. They act like they're so in demand, but really they're mainly busy telling everyone how busy they are, (and are often just poor time managers). 

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

Not about relationship or what happened but general things.

So you didn't immediately apologise or try to fix things?  

[Gaeta]

So her * I'm falling in love with you* did not mean much.

I cannot imagine l'd treat a man the way she treats you if l'm in love with him. 

Let her go. 

Edited December 16, 2023 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

33 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

I was planning on doing something really nice and setting up a romantic date to share those feelings

Silly movie stuff.

If Girl tells you she loves you, you react badly, she's hurt. You run to her immediately and tell her you're in love too.

Edited December 16, 2023 by Gaeta

[alertingalt]

@basil67 no I was reopening lines of communication. I did apologize on text and sent her flowers multiple times telling her that i loved her. I thought that would be better in person for that conversation. So I thought to keep things light at first and talking about what we had been up to.

But now thinking about it more, maybe I should have.... My initial thought was lest just get talking again and the conversations appeared to be getting more lighter and better as we just talked

[alertingalt]

@Gaeta perhaps. She did talk to me after and was telling me that she wanted to go to Saint Lucia in March and I said lets go. So I didnt think things were that bad. And the rest of the night seemed to be fine. But perhaps youre right and I should have just said something immediate and apologized. I wasnt trying to hurt her and really did care

 

I also think when she said I think I am falling in love I didnt take that as I am in love with you. But thats silly on my part

[Alpacalia]

I know you're beating yourself up about the response but you were being authentic instead of just going "aww I love you too" just to make her feel cute for a moment. There's no point in saying those words until one means them.

No one should feel as if they "have" to respond. That isn't authentic to many people. It's good that you didn't. It is an unrealistic expectation that anyone should HAVE to hear "I love you too" instead of just accepting "I'm not there yet." But, for her, she probably wanted the assurance that her love was reciprocated.

If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. It is what it is.

You didn't blow it. She expected you to do or feel something that you didn't/ couldn't. Sure, I'm sure it stung her, but, to be quite frank, I think what really happened here is she has cold feet.

She interpreted your non-response about how you weren't ready while what you were actually saying was that you weren't there yet but you were open to taking things at a natural, slow pace. Only thing is about that is, you gotta understand, when people fall in love, time speeds up for them. They want to dive in.

All of those things that happened that were happening were your natuual pace, not hers.

Edited December 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

If she valued you she would have been happy to hear your ILY. A woman falling in love does not, all of a sudden, dismiss the man she has feelings for.

It's too big of a change of mind. I say there is something else. Could her ex be back in the picture?

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

If she valued you she would have been happy to hear your ILY. A woman falling in love does not, all of a sudden, dismiss the man she has feelings for.

It's too big of a change of mind. I say there is something else. Could her ex be back in the picture?

This is a really good point.  At about three months in, I said something similar to my new boyfriend while we were naked in bed.  He didn't return the sentiment, but I didn't expect it and I was fine waiting until he was ready....which wasn't that much later.    And we're still together more than 30 years later.  

Perhaps she really is too busy at work

[alertingalt]

@Gaeta it was in text and flowers i sent her. The second set of flowers I sent she finally texted me back saying thank you and made her day. We started talking on the phone but I purposely kept it light until we could meet in person and talk. But then that never happened. 

 

I doubt ex is back. She got divorced earlier in the year. Her ex and her have a very bad relationship. I know the ex husband was calling her a "b****" and other not so nice things. So I doubt that happened. No idea if she had a new person.

Edited December 16, 2023 by alertingalt

[alertingalt]

@basil67 she is very busy at work. But our relationship was progressing even though we were both busy. So just seems hard it was due to that. Perhaps she decided to pull back a little after the interaction. Its hard for me to really say because I just havent been really been able to have her talk about it to me. 

I guess I could text her an apology but not sure at this moment if I should just let it breathe and see if she comes back and messages me instead of chasing her. It was a little hurtful that we setup a time for coffee and she basically stood me up and only messaged me after i texted her what happened.  And that was after we had resumed communication and started talking again.

Edited December 16, 2023 by alertingalt

[basil67]

Honestly, I think this is just one of those things where you'll never have the answer.   I'm sorry

[CaliforniaGirl]

35 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So her * I'm falling in love with you* did not mean much.

I cannot imagine l'd treat a man the way she treats you if l'm in love with him. 

Let her go. 

I would. I'd let go of someone I loved fast if they didn't feel the same way. What other choice is there? Try to force him to be in love? Be in pain all the time knowing he didn't love back?

[CaliforniaGirl]

33 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@basil67 no I was reopening lines of communication. I did apologize on text and sent her flowers multiple times telling her that i loved her. I thought that would be better in person for that conversation. So I thought to keep things light at first and talking about what we had been up to.

But now thinking about it more, maybe I should have.... My initial thought was lest just get talking again and the conversations appeared to be getting more lighter and better as we just talked

If you love her enough to say it multiple times then I'm wondering why you didn't say it back initially?

[alertingalt]

@CaliforniaGirl i have thought that many times and feel guilty about it. I was generally just surprised when she said it. And I foolishly thought at the time my response was on the same level.  It has made me feel really guilty about this whole thing and that I have ended something I really cared about. 

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I would. I'd let go of someone I loved fast if they didn't feel the same way. What other choice is there? Try to force him to be in love? Be in pain all the time knowing he didn't love back?

But he feels the same, and he told her he loved her. So she should dump him because he said it 48 hours too late?