Girlfriend tells me she is falling in love and I responded poorly

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@CaliforniaGirl i have thought that many times and feel guilty about it. I was generally just surprised when she said it. And I foolishly thought at the time my response was on the same level.  It has made me feel really guilty about this whole thing and that I have ended something I really cared about. 

So why didn't you say this instead of drowning her in flowers? "Look, I didn't realize that what I was saying might sound like I didn't have the same feelings. I was so surprised to hear it that I was at a loss for a second." You can try saying that now, no matter what the outcome will be. Or maybe you're a little scared by love? Tell her that.

But if you're only telling her you love her because you don't want to see her go, then she probably knows that. Do you really love her? Or do you just fear loss and change?

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

She got divorced earlier in the year

That's a big red flag my friend. 

Stay away from recently divorced women. She may have just realized she's not ready to take this to the next level.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

But he feels the same, and he told her he loved her. So she should dump him because he said it 48 hours too late?

No, but if he is saying it after a few days because he wants to keep having her around, why go through that pain? And so far she has no reason to think otherwise. He couldn't say it 48 hours ago, now he's saying it over and over...starting 2 days later? Very sus. I definitely wouldn't feel loved in this situation. I'd feel he was panicking.

[alertingalt]

@CaliforniaGirl youre right. I have alluded to that but I havent actually said that and I should have. Maybe i can message that. but it might be too late. 

 

I did tell her in a text message that I meant the strong feelings in the same way and said sorry if I wasnt clear. You expressed it more elegantly and I should have done that

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@CaliforniaGirl youre right. I have alluded to that but I havent actually said that and I should have. Maybe i can message that. but it might be too late. 

 

I did tell her in a text message that I meant the strong feelings in the same way and said sorry if I wasnt clear. You expressed it more elegantly and I should have done that

You can still try to honestly explain but don't hold onto the outcome. I'm slightly fatalistic about relationships. If it's meant to be, you will both make it happen. If not, you can't force the other person.

 

[Gaeta]

@alertingaltyou've done enough. you've sent flowers twice then she stood you up, it's enough. You have not done anything that deserved to be stood up here. At this point she is lacking respect so you let her go. More you insist less appealing you are in her eyes.

 

[alertingalt]

youre likely right. I dont think I did anything to deserve being stood up after she agreed to meet me. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, alertingalt said:

We were watching a movie when she told me "I think I am falling in love with you". I was surprised by this statement. I responded back "I have really strong feelings for you too". She took that as she told me she loved me and I didnt respond back with that. At that time, I didnt really think of it like that.  

What was the setting of this? Your place, her place, date night? What exactly was her expression or response at the time? Were you sort of cuddling and romantic?

Why were you taken by surprise after dating 3 months?  It still seems dramatic to do this 180 and completely shut you down. How was the rest of the relationship? Were things moving too fast? 

[alertingalt]

@Wiseman2 her place. The movie was a war movie lol. It was not a date night. There was a quick initial reaction from her but then I was cuddling her. Things seemed fine after. 

I was taken by surprise because she is more conservative in nature. She is Colombian and usually in that culture men take lead on things like that. So was surprised she said it. 

I think we definitely talked about future things and we both said it felt like we had been dating longer vs normal. We would talk every day. We never had any issues in the relationship

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, alertingalt said:

@CaliforniaGirl youre right. I have alluded to that but I havent actually said that and I should have. Maybe i can message that. but it might be too late. 

 

I did tell her in a text message that I meant the strong feelings in the same way and said sorry if I wasnt clear. You expressed it more elegantly and I should have done that

My thoughts….

 

1. I think she was expecting a different reaction to what you actually said.  
2.  The fact she was about to meet your parents meaning this is something 

3. it is holiday time. This can be a high break up time to avoid having this person at family events where you meet these relatives you rarely see.

[Alpacalia]

Yes, sending flowers because you didn't say I love you kind of defeats that whole purpose of sending flowers. You're doing as a means to apologize, but it's not the same as saying it directly. It's like saying, I am not in love with you but here are some flowers to make up for it. I think she stood you up because she didn't feel that you were serious in your relationship and sending flowers now will not change her feelings. I'm sorry, but I think she's moved on. It doesn't have anything to do with you really, it's her own perception of the situation.

Edited December 17, 2023 by Alpacalia

[alertingalt]

@Alpacalia fair comment. I did have in the note in the flowers that i loved her. Hard to say why she stood me up. To me it was a bit odd because she stopped talking to me. When I sent the flowers (the second time i sent them) she reengaged for the first time, we spoke on the phone for a couple of days then agreed to meet then she didnt show. But I agree with your last statement, seems like she has moved on

[Gaeta]

42 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

Seems like she has moved on

Then she was not *that* invested in this relationship. This is not a 3 date adventure, this was 3 months dating. You deserved a real explanation.

See this as a blessing in disguise, do you want a romantic partner that her feelings switch at the snap of a finger like this, a partner that gives you bs excuses instead of expressing the truth, and also a partner that lacks patience & understanding.

When she heard your reply (during the movie) she could have asked for you to explain, she could have expressed her expectations after 3 months dating. That's what normal adults do.

In terms of emotional maturity you can find better. 

My boyfriend told me ILY super early like 6-7 weeks dating. I did not said it back. I told him l felt very strongly for him and all the ingredients were there for me to fall in love, l said it back to him at 3 months. He understood l needed a bit more time than him and he did not run away butt hurt.

Edited December 17, 2023 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

49 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@Alpacalia fair comment. I did have in the note in the flowers that i loved her. Hard to say why she stood me up. To me it was a bit odd because she stopped talking to me. When I sent the flowers (the second time i sent them) she reengaged for the first time, we spoke on the phone for a couple of days then agreed to meet then she didnt show. But I agree with your last statement, seems like she has moved on

Yes. It's unusual that just a few days later you realized that you "loved her." In her heart of hearts, maybe she knew better. Sure, she could have bided her time, believing that when you did eventually reveal your emotions, it would be because you truly meant it and not because she begged for it.

Granted, standing you up is not cool. Yes, love may need time, and individuals may have varying speeds, but in her viewpoint, there is a specific point where you should let go and move forward.

I'm not saying it was rather preemptive on her part. Three months is relativity soon in a relationship. But if you had been openly affectionate and communicative, she might have felt more comfortable. She, simply, didn't want to be with someone who needed so much time. It just didn't fit into her idea of happiness.

It doesn't always need to be a long, drawn-out process. Sometimes, it is simple and effortless, and the person you are meant to be with will naturally fall into place. As much as she may have liked you, she knew that it wasn't something worth fighting for if it wasn't reciprocated. Ultimately, it's all about finding someone who understands your unique way of loving and accepts and appreciates it.

So, don't beat yourself up unnecessarily. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, alertingalt said:

: I am just too busy for a relationship right now and you deserve someone who can spend more time with you, go on trips together. I dont want to bring you into my mess more because you will end up miserable because I just dont have time and not right for a relationship. She responded a day later saying she is sorry I am a great person but its just not right timing and she wants to end it now before its miserable. 

This almost seems like a too much too soon and feeling overwhelmed type of message. Was she on the rebound from her divorce? 

[Lotsgoingon]

I've been with people where one of us didn't immediately reply to the other's proclamation of love and it worked out. Because the receiver of the words responded like this: by kissing and making out and initiating sex with the proclaimer. That was their answer! These folks who didn't automatically reply I love you too showed deep appreciation and joy at the other's words.  You know those photos of women covering their faces and breaking out in tears as the guy drops to his knees to propose? Well if you don't do the immediate reply I love you too, then you absolutely needed to show some deep, visceral joy and emotion at her telling you she loved you. And yes, for some guys this is tough.

Now to a different issue.

Most of our comments here (including mine until now) assume that this woman was crushed when you didn't immediately requite her profession of love. But what might have bothered her is that you didn't seem to take in or be deeply moved by her statement of love. We want to date people who can give us love. We also want to date people who can receive our love. You didn't proclaim it back to her, and you didn't really receive it in any visible way. The two sides of missing feeling here are a major red flag and why she was pretty smart to flee from you. 

Time to get clear. What the heck was going on that you couldn't reply responsively to the most vulnerable, tender words a love partner can say to you?!

There is another possible answer: You might not have felt love for her. And if that's the case, that's fine. Are you sure you do love her? I've dated women I really liked and didn't really love--but it took time for me to distinguish liking for loving. 

Edited December 17, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[alertingalt]

@Lotsgoingon  I was surprised when she said it.  But also she didnt say i love you but i think i am falling in love with you. To me those are different things. Now I realize she was looking for me to say that back to her. And why I feel so guilty on that. I just blurted out something right away that I thought was around the same "I have really strong feelings for you too". But in fairness to your comment, I didnt really appreciate it at the time what she was really getting at. This has consumed me a little with guilt. And to be honest, I was still thinking through do I really love this person or like them. I realized I did love her too. But I think I came to that a little too late. And to me thats what has made this even more difficult is the guilt I now feel and that I wish I was thinking through more clearly how I was feeling. 

That being said, I didnt know/realize she was hurt at the time when this happened. We were still talking about the future after it happened. 

Edited December 17, 2023 by alertingalt

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, alertingalt said:

@Wiseman2 . There was a quick initial reaction from her but then I was cuddling her.  she is more conservative in nature. She is Colombian 

How you replied was not as bad as "thank you", but if she is conservative, it's odd she's sleeping with someone who doesn't love her. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@Lotsgoingon  I was surprised when she said it.  But also she didnt say i love you but i think i am falling in love with you. To me those are different things. Now I realize she was looking for me to say that back to her. And why I feel so guilty on that. I just blurted out something right away that I thought was around the same "I have really strong feelings for you too". But in fairness to your comment, I didnt really appreciate it at the time what she was really getting at. This has consumed me a little with guilt. And to be honest, I was still thinking through do I really love this person or like them. I realized I did love her too. But I think I came to that a little too late. And to me thats what has made this even more difficult is the guilt I now feel and that I wish I was thinking through more clearly how I was feeling. 

That being said, I didnt know/realize she was hurt at the time when this happened. We were still talking about the future after it happened. 

Don't feel guilty. You two didn't sync. She's going through a lot and may have a hair trigger right now. But you saying you were still working out whether you just like her, and her super fast reaction, seems to say that you aren't really on the same page. Part of someone being the right person for you, is timing. You want her more now because she's gone...but you eventually feel pushed into the L word and somewhat resentful. Don't harbor guilt.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes drop the guilt. This isn't a matter of doing something wrong as much as figuring out how you could go silent at the most vulnerable moment for you partner in the relationship so far.

You were surprised that she said this? What did you think people dating said at three months, often sooner?! Something in you is missing the key points here. Love is on the mind of partners--almost all the time--by three months! Almost all the time on their mind--and I mean of both partners, men and women. Have other women accused you of being distant?

There is nothing criminal or malicious about being out of touch with feelings and not understanding relationships. Seriously, that's no crime, and that's why there is a great opportunity here. You had to have five misunderstandings of relationships going on for you to be so surprised by her words and then not to know what to say. Figure out what those blocks were.

And to backtrack a bit, at three months, having introduced her to family, you guys should have had many tender, super open totally vulnerable, caressing tender conversations and lying-in-bed moments by then. And so, the "love" would just be inches away. Your surprise makes me question whether you guys were really emotionally intimate--forget physical, let's go emotional. 

You introduce the woman to your family when you've gotten more serious and a lot closer to saying the "love" word. You bring her together with your family and she's going to experience confusion. Why aren't you talking more tenderly to her? That's probably what was on her mind most. Externally you guys moved through the world like a serious couple, but she was sensing some internal stuff, the inner side of romance, was missing. So she awkwardly tried to ignite something, and you didn't know what to say.

Often coming from a family that is very reticent and not very much in pda can make people uncomfortable with professions of love. Is that your situation? No sin again, no mean intent or mean heart, if you've typically been distant. But just a style of connecting with people that you might have to spend some effort to adjust. 

I'm starting to think that you didn't blow anything or make a mistake because it's not clear you guys were all that close if you didn't know the "love" words were close to being due. Did you guys have the we are exclusive conversation? How long ago? It's like you didn't have that. 

Edited December 17, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh, it could be anything. 

Maybe she's upset you didn't profess your love back. Maybe she's had another guy on the backburner and decided to test-drive him now. Maybe it's too soon after her divorce. 

I wouldn't over-think this. You two are just not a match. 

[alertingalt]

@Lotsgoingon I have never been accused of being distant. However, I do come from a family that is very distant and reticent as you suggest. She is the opposite in that regard and comes from a very expressive family. But part of that is what attracted me to her. 

 

That being said, I was surprised just because I never thought she would be the first one to say this. We had both had talked about the relationship going really well and everything seemed easy for us. And I didnt exactly go silent. I told her I had strong feelings for her too and hugged her. Still not saying thats the best response. 

As for the exclusive part, I know that I told her I deleted dating apps off of my phone. And i certainly was not going on dates!

However, I never specifically said we are exclusive right? I had just assumed with the amount of time that we were spending with each other and talking that it was a given and how we talked with each other. 

But even just writing this out, I realize I should have been more clear. I believe we were close because we talked so much how we were grateful each of us were each other lives. But I think you are still on to something a little as I sit here and write this

And I think thats where these feelings of guilt come in. That perhaps I was not expressive enough and seems like I have lost something I did in fact really care about.

Edited December 17, 2023 by alertingalt

[introverted1]

16 hours ago, alertingalt said:

She took that as she told me she loved me and I didnt respond back with that.

Did she tell you this or is this your guess? 

[alertingalt]

@introverted_1 not at the moment. When she was breaking up with me via text message she basically said she was pulling back because she said she was falling in love with me and I only had feelings. 

This was the first time I realized that this was an issue what transpired that night. I had commented when she text message broke up that this was a big reversal from where she was at before. 

Edited December 17, 2023 by alertingalt

[introverted1]

7 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@introverted_1 not at the moment. When she was breaking up with me via text message she basically said she was pulling back because she said she was falling in love with me and I only had feelings. 

This was the first time I realized that this was an issue what transpired that night. I had commented when she text message broke up that this was a big reversal from where she was at before. 

So she told you this after the 1-2 weeks of slowed communication and ostensible busy-ness at work?  

Edited December 17, 2023 by introverted1