Girlfriend tells me she is falling in love and I responded poorly

[alertingalt]

@introverted_1 the conversation where she said I think I am falling in love with you happened on a Saturday night. We spend the next sunday together. On Tuesday she had to cancel a date night because she said she was exhausted. But we spoke on the phone for awhile and she talked about where she wanted to go to her birthday in March.

Saturday I met her and she introduced her nephew to me. She then cancelled a date night Tuesday with me claiming again she was too tired then sent a text message breakup on Wednesday. 

It was in that text message she told me that after my initial surprise that I thought things were going really well. 

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@introverted_1 the conversation where she said I think I am falling in love with you happened on a Saturday night. We spend the next sunday together. On Tuesday she had to cancel a date night because she said she was exhausted. But we spoke on the phone for awhile and she talked about where she wanted to go to her birthday in March.

Saturday I met her and she introduced her nephew to me. She then cancelled a date night Tuesday with me claiming again she was too tired then sent a text message breakup on Wednesday. 

It was in that text message she told me that after my initial surprise that I thought things were going really well. 

So you had over a week to correct for your initial response when she said she was falling in love but you didn't say anything until after she broke up with you?  That's when you sent flowers and the ILY?

If this is the correct timeline, then I think I agree with @CaliforniaGirl that your ILY sounds more like a panic reaction to losing her than a genuine declaration of feelings.

Edited December 17, 2023 by introverted1

[alertingalt]

@introverted1 yes thats the correct timeline and I am cognizant that what I did looks like panic reaction. I did genuinely feel that way too but I can understand how its interpreted like that. But also, I didnt realize that there was an issue because there wasnt as big of deal when it happened and there was still conversation about the future going on. So I assumed things were fine. It was only after she said that through text message that I realized what was going on. I think thats why I felt guilt.

I had assumed everything was fine. Additionally, I was planning on doing a really nice date where i told her these feelings too. It was originally supposed to be the next weekend but thats when I met her 6 year old nephew, I didnt think that was the best night to do that with her nephew staying with her. So I had shifted it to do the next weekend. But there was no next weekend because the relationship was over. 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@introverted_1  she basically said she was pulling back because she said she was falling in love with me and I only had feelings. 

I'm confused. It it seems like she did explain that it was your unenthused response that she was breaking up? 

[introverted1]

6 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

yes thats the correct timeline and I am cognizant that what I did looks like panic reaction. I did genuinely feel that way too

Well...  if you truly do love her, then I would explain what happened. Let her know you mishandled the situation and leave the door open for her.  I wouldn't expect an immediate response and possibly you might never get one. If there is any hope here, you need to calmly and clearly state what happened on your side and let her know you'd like to move forward and that she can reach out any time. 

Good luck. 

[alertingalt]

@Wiseman2 she said she was originally breaking up because she was too busy and that I would be happier with someone who could spend more time. And that she wanted to do it now before I would be miserable with her.

To me this seemed odd because we were both busy at time but the relationship was progressing and working. It didnt feel difficult at all. And both said that. When I pressed and said I was surprised and this was a big role reversal (she even said Dont take this personally but I want to end relationship in message), that she alluded to that response not being what she was looking for. 

 

 

 

[alertingalt]

@introverted1 thanks.  I sent flowers multiple times and other things that are specific to her. We did start talking again for a couple fo days in a row but then she ghosted when we were supposed to meet.

I followed up in text basically apologizing that I mishandled the situation and what I was going to say in person when we met. I have left the door open because I do really care about her. But as a couple of more days have passed, I think at this point it seems that this just might be over 

 

[introverted1]

3 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@introverted1 thanks.  I sent flowers multiple times and other things that are specific to her. We did start talking again for a couple fo days in a row but then she ghosted when we were supposed to meet.

I followed up in text basically apologizing that I mishandled the situation and what I was going to say in person when we met. I have left the door open because I do really care about her. But as a couple of more days have passed, I think at this point it seems that this just might be over 

 

She's likely reacting to what she perceives as your panic.  I would let the dust settle and then maybe reach out one last time after the holidays, calmly but assuredly.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@Wiseman2 she alluded to that response not being what she was looking for.

What did she actually say?  Anyway. If reciprocating your feeling for her doesn't come naturally, that may be something to reflect on. The time to tell her was there and then, not in several weeks when something is planned, when her nephew isn't there when you're at dinner and so on.

It's unclear why you stalled out and froze, but perhaps you're not really feeling it and coasting along and she picked up on that? 

[alertingalt]

@Wiseman2

When she sent the text message to break up, I said I was really confused because things were going well. I texted you even said you think you are falling in love with me so I am surprised by this big reversal. She replied yes and when you said you had strong feelings I decided to pull back and focus on work. 

I messaged I was sorry but I meant that in the same way.

Maybe I am oblivious, but when she said it at time I didnt take that as "I love you" but as those feelings of love were almost there. I was surprised she said it and trust me I have rewind that event many times in my head. It was while we were watching a war movie with people getting blown up haha. So I think in general I was just surprised and also foolishly wasnt thinking too clearly. This is why I have felt guilty or just really dumb for not being present maybe in that moment.

 

 

[Gaeta]

She broke up with you by text 🫨 then stood you up...like c'mon! That's a woman that says she is falling in love! No way!!

I don't know why l'm the only one that feels her behavior is fishy. Love is not a game...you don't tell her ILY back fast enough so beeep!! You're out!!  

You also said she is Colombian, is she a citizen?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@Wiseman2. She replied yes and when you said you had strong feelings I decided to pull back and focus on work. 

It's sad, but it seems like she's cutting her losses. Perhaps it's cultural or language barrier but it's obvious she was hurt and decided to end it. After 3 months, sleeping together, building a relationship, talking about future plans etc. if you can't cough up something more in line with what she expressed to you  it may be time to reflect why you tend to be withholding or emotionally constipated to the point that you can't express yourself other than "I have feelings for you". Keep in mind saying you're falling for her too or love her too isn't like asking for a kidney. 

Edited December 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[alertingalt]

@Gaeta she is not a citizen yet. She does have residency here though. Because she married an American before, it allowed her to stay. It was an actual relationship that she was in before when she got divorced. The marriage was 1 1/2 years. But they never lived together before they married and she said she found out many things about him she didnt know. 

She is a little more dramatic vs others (she is colombian after all!) @Wiseman2 and there are cultural differences that we have.  But yes to your point, I have thought this many times even though I realized more and more I did love this person. 

[Alpacalia]

I get where she is coming from. I did the same thing a few years ago, I pulled back after I expressed feelings and the best he could muster was "I enjoy spending time with you."

Maybe the war movie you were watching when this happened emotionally stunted you (lol) but ouch, man. I was stunted in that moment too, but when he told me not two days later "I'm not there yet" I couldn't silence the bells that rang in my head "run for your life, get while the getting's good!"

Having someone emotionally flinch when you express your feelings is not a great feeling. I get having "strong feelings" for someone. That's nice but it's not a fair response when someone says they love you. I know you feel little bit regret for your response about "strong feelings or love or..." whatever it is, and expecting or wanted to say, you kind of reacted instinctively and you just didn't feel it at the time. Nothing more.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@Gaeta She is a little more dramatic vs others (she is colombian after after all.

Her response to the situation seems very dignified and thought out, not "dramatic" at all. Perhaps reflect on stereotyping women like this. . She didn't kick you out, get emotional and she even attempted to sidestep confrontation by using the busy excuse until pressed further.  She walked away from a guy who appeared to be "meh,"  with a lot of class. 

[alertingalt]

@Wiseman2 youre right. I meant in general at other times she could be. 

[Gaeta]

She is 34 and married twice?

[alertingalt]

@Gaeta she is 34 and has been married once. That marriage was for a year and half

[Gaeta]

@alertingalt: what is your plan from here?

[alertingalt]

@Gaeta I am at a little loss since we were supposed to meet and talk and she didn’t show and texted me sorry she was busy and wouldn’t  be able to go after I asked her what was going on. I called her and she was on phone with her father and she would call me back. She never did. 

i am thinking maybe I let things cool down and send her a message or flowers in new year as a previous person suggested. If she doesn’t reply I may have to just let this go and learn from it 

 

 

[smackie9]

Gaeta is right...what woman in love would totally ditch their guy like that...and not be able to communicate her feelings (big red flag). TBH you dodged a bullet. You can't possible really know someone in 3 months or even in 6 months....you got a pretty good look of what was to come anyways. Stonewalling, lying, being dismissive are all dangerous to a relationship.

Edited December 17, 2023 by smackie9

[Lotsgoingon]

@Gaetayou’re not wrong. Normally one misstep like this shouldn't be fatal. Wouldn't even be a big misstep. But I'm sensing the OP wasn't saying tender words all along. So this was not a one-off.  Whenever a woman has responded to me like the OP responded to his gf--and it didn't have to be the "love" word, could just be me expressing strong romantic interest--that ALWAYS meant they weren't interested in me like I was interested in them. Every time. And the times I've been evasive or silent in a similar moment was when I wasn't seriously interested in them.

In fact, the reason I professed interest in someone was when I wasn't feeling equal interest from the other person—even though we were spending a lot of time together. Otherwise, this kind of conversation organically happens, without a lot of drama. This kind of conversation shouldn't come down to one moment because there should be lots of little moments and actions all along the way. So I'm thinking this woman was feeling disconnected from the OP before this moment. And in fact, the OP and his partner hadn’t had the exclusive talk yet—three months in, even though he had introduced her multiple times to his family.

OP, you say you were going to utter the words in a week. So you were feeling love at the time, and yet you couldn't say anything? Makes no sense. My view: you were NOT feeling love. You were intellectually aware that you wanted to utter "love" the next week in the same way you were intellectually aware that you wanted to take her out to a particular restaurant in a week. You were treating words like flowers or trip to the movies. 

Dude, you can learn a ton from this experience--you got to get some clarity on the "surprise" thing. I'm guessing you didn't date a lot before this woman or learn much from dating--again, no shame there! None. But dude, you want a good relationship, then it's time to learn. The old days of assuming unspoken things with women--those days are gone, my man.

These days, a guy must bring some emotional game to the table. You might want to think about therapy to help you sort things out---or else this issue will come up again in another relationship. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Nah. No woman worth her salt is going to sit around after three months with no mention of feelings or even knowing if the two are "exclusive."

The personal knowledge of dating still being kept secret will only lead to trouble and over time it will surely expire. You've sent a message that you are unsure of your feelings for her or not ready to commit to a serious relationship.

Caring a lot about someone is not the same as being "in love' with that person. Maybe you are fearful of saying "I love you" and expressing your true feelings and that's something you need to work on before considering any type of committed relationship. 

Sending her flowers after only three months of dating would be a sweet gesture…if she had ANY inkling that you were going to send her flowers. But, unfortunately, in this case, I feel flowers are a little like 'after-the-fact' candy. In other words, it would be like trying to convince her that you DO have feelings, instead.

[Versacehottie]

18 hours ago, alertingalt said:

youre likely right. I dont think I did anything to deserve being stood up after she agreed to meet me. 

I agree but you are missing the big picture...if she doesn't want to date you anymore, it doesn't matter that she stood you up--that's what "i don't want to date you anymore" looks like.

I'm just seeing the part that she was divorced earlier this year. IMO, she probably DOES have a lot going on and maybe jumped in with her emotions without really thinking it through or letting it unfold naturally in time. Wondering if without trying to place blame, it's just more natural to simply ACCEPT this is what happened so far? 

Like basil (i think) said, sometimes you just won't get an answer of the reason. She knows where you stand now and maybe it will happen that when she feels sorted out and the ily is more organic and not as close in time to her divorce, you guys will reunite. You can't force this. and why would you want to?

[alertingalt]

@Versacehottie youre right I dont want to force this. Part of the reason things were going really well was because nothing was forced. We had both commented in the relationship how everything was so easy.

I also agree on the I dont want to date you anymore. It was just odd that we talked on the phone for a couple of days straight and it seemed to be going in a more positive direction then she disappeared. Perhaps she felt I still had feelings and decided to ghost again. I simply dont know.

 

@Alpacalia i respect what youre saying. I did communicate that I was exclusive with her but never said "so we are exclusive we each other, right". And I would say other romantic things/feelings to her that I genuinely felt. However, those were not I love you. 

 

@Lotsgoingon i dont disagree with some fo the things you are saying. I actually scheduled therapy for myself. I am still a little confused if I was feeling a way why I said something and didnt assume it was a big deal. I felt I was at the time reciprocating those feelings and when I said "I have really strong feelings for you too" to me that meant sort fo the same thing. But I have heard enough feedback at this point that most dont consider that the same!