About 3 weeks of no contact, ex texts me, wants to talk, then blocks me?

[Bluejacketproject]

Hello! Im hoping to get some outsider input about my current situation please, my friends arent helping with this situation. Sorry in advance this was longer than I thought it was going to be. 

 

Backstory:

Boyfriend/girlfriend Together about 5 years, (me-34m her-32f) overall good relationship, had one break for about a couple weeks at the 3 year mark due to a fight about finances. Normally any fights would be quickly squashed and we’d make up. We cared for each other and there was never any cheating or anything like that going on. 

 

In October I had a month and a half work trip where I was traveling and working 70-90 hours a week. She knew about this trip and we were both preparing for it, or so I thought. This trip was very stressful for me, and while I didn’t fully shut down, I was close. We were still talking, maybe about the 20th of the amount we normally would due to my workload. I was alone, in random hotels and constantly on the go, I barely had any contact with my friends, only my gf and family. It was truly a gross time. I fully understand I dropped the ball on my trip, and wish I did things differently… you know hindsight and all.

When I got back, we had a fight about the trip and how she felt like I abandoned her, how I “barely talked to her”, how she supported me on my trip  (I disagree fully on this, but thats besides the point), etc. The fight ended with her saying “you need to decide what you want and I need to decide what’s best for me”, and then me leaving her place. 

We ended up having about 2.5 weeks of no contact. I was honestly just letting things cool down, emotions were high and wanted to come back with a clear mind. I wanted to recoup fro my trip and relax, and I was also reading a book about relationships so I could try and be a better boyfriend. 

 

So 2.5 weeks after no contact,  the other day I get a text from her:

“Hey, I just wanted to say hi, hope you’re doing well!”

10 min later

“Hey how is your business going?  I hope you dont mind me texting you “

25 min later

“I want to talk. Can you call me later?”

I responded and said yes, I could call in a couple of hours and we agreed on a time. We Texted for about 20 min, joking and carrying on like always, it was like we never even had an argument and I was actually getting kind of excited to talk to her. 

Then, 30 min after her last text from our conversation:

“I can’t talk later… sorry”

Blocked.

 

She blocked me!! Neither of us EVER needed to block one another before. We always were able to talk through things…blocking was never a thing between us. Thought we were both mature enough to not block, as we are adults and can use our words…apparently not now. It’s like I'm back in high school!!

Once I realized I was blocked,  I sent her an email because I was pissed: 

“The fact that you had to block without any explanation, after agreeing to talk is just disrespectful. Hope you liked your gift. Do not contact me again”

Looking back, I shouldn’t have reacted that way, but it was like a grenade going off in my head when I realized she friggen BLOCKED me. After agreeing to talk and wanting to talk. 

 

Sooo this leads me to here, now. Im trying to figure out the “why”. Why someone acts like this so randomly and oddly. Why did she feel the need to block me after telling me SHE wanted to talk. This is truly bizarre behavior from her, it’s like I don’t even know her because of this. Clearly the relationship is over, I just dont know why this happened and why this way She knows im not the needy type, so there was zero fear of her telling me “hey, my bad I don’t think I can talk now”, I would have left it at that and gave her all the space she needed. But NOPE, I get blocked. Who does that after 5 years together? 

Any thoughts are appreciated, and thank you for reading

 

Edited December 17, 2023 by Bluejacketproject

[CaliforniaGirl]

Maybe she's seeing someone else.

 

[ShyViolet]

We can't tell you why she did that.  We aren't in her head.

I agree it was petty and immature to do that.  If she wanted to break up she should have properly told you she wanted to break up.

[Bluejacketproject]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Maybe she's seeing someone else.

 

Could be, sure. But why even reach out 2.5 weeks later, and on top of that why say you want to talk about things? If I were dating someone new already, I wouldn’t be reaching out to my ex thats for sure!

[Bluejacketproject]

47 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

We can't tell you why she did that.  We aren't in her head.

I agree it was petty and immature to do that.  If she wanted to break up she should have properly told you she wanted to break up.

Right, I know youre not her. Just tryin to make sense of it. 

I guess this was Her way of breaking up without doing the break up maybe. Who knows. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

18 minutes ago, Bluejacketproject said:

Could be, sure. But why even reach out 2.5 weeks later, and on top of that why say you want to talk about things? If I were dating someone new already, I wouldn’t be reaching out to my ex thats for sure!

I don't know. People have second thoughts. But I'm really just throwing out a possibility.

The other thing that came to mind is that she may just be extremely immature, but if you've been dating for 5 years you'd already know that.

[basil67]

Did she know that you took 2.5 weeks away from her to cool off and read a relationship book?   Was she agreeable to it the break?

Edited December 17, 2023 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Did she know that you took 2.5 weeks away from her to cool off and read a relationship book?   Was she agreeable to it the break?

I was going to ask the same thing. 

Was it clear to her that you were taking a cooling-off period, or did you just not say anything at all to her after you left her house?

Edited December 17, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[Bluejacketproject]

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I don't know. People have second thoughts. But I'm really just throwing out a possibility.

The other thing that came to mind is that she may just be extremely immature, but if you've been dating for 5 years you'd already know that.

 

It’s possible, true. 

 

That’s the thing, for the past 5 years she’s been mature. Only time Ive seen her not act mature was in the very beginning of us hanging out, but that changed quickly. She’s level headed, emotionally usually a happy medium, thinks logically about issues, etc. Nothing would ever make me think for a second shed act this way. 

[Bluejacketproject]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Did she know that you took 2.5 weeks away from her to cool off and read a relationship book?   Was she agreeable to it the break?

No, this wasn’t verbalized, and it wasn’t just for me. We had the fight, then I left and we both ended up not talking. I assumed we were on the same page after she said “I need to decide what’s best for me”. 

[Bluejacketproject]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was going to ask the same thing. 

Was it clear to her that you were taking a cooling-off period, or did you just not say anything at all to her after you left her house?

No it wasn’t clear. Maybe I should have said “let’s cool off” or something but I assumed it was clear what was happening after we had the fight. Come to think of it, we had fights before that were similar where we would not talk, but for day or two, not for 2.5 weeks. To me this “break” wasn’t a particular thing I was focusing on with the situation as I assumed we both were figuring out what we wanted.  Is this something that I might be overlooking?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Bluejacketproject said:

No it wasn’t clear. Maybe I should have said “let’s cool off” or something but I assumed it was clear what was happening after we had the fight. 

 Is this something that I might be overlooking?

Yes, you are definitely over-looking the gravity of 2.5 weeks of silence. 

I get that she didn't reach out to you either, but 2.5 is way too long to cool off and not communicate at all. I am not sure why either of you thought this was constructive or made any sort of sense. 

It seems you both assumed things and neither one of you bothered to actually clarify anything. 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Bluejacketproject said:

had one break for about a couple weeks at the 3 year mark due to a fight about finances. we had a fight about the trip and how she felt like I abandoned her.. The fight ended with her saying “you need to decide what you want and I need to decide what’s best for me”, and then me leaving her place. Why someone acts like this so randomly and oddly.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately the relationship has been breaking down for a while especially after the trip. It doesn't seem random at all. After weeks of silence from you during the trip, then another 2 weeks of silence after the trip and argument,  she finally reaches out to you with several ignored texts until you reply.

The breakup was actually when you returned from the trip. She tried to reach out, but after waiting for your replies you tell her to wait another 2 hours to talk. 

It seems like she simply wanted the relationship to be over and got tired of the passive aggressive silent treatments. Deleting and blocking you are simply the next steps on that trajectory. 

Please don't worry about being blocked. It seems like the relationship had been over for a while and blocking was the final reality of that.

[d0nnivain]

She's struggling with the break up too.  On the business trip she thought your words & actions were saying that you didn't love her.  You are not going to dissuade her from that erroneous conclusion.  

Do yourself a favor & block her.  When she has these fits where she thinks she wants to talk, she won't be able to reach you.  This way you don't have to go on her emotional roller coaster.  She's never coming back to you so don't bother with her issues  

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, Bluejacketproject said:

No it wasn’t clear. Maybe I should have said “let’s cool off” or something but I assumed it was clear what was happening after we had the fight. 

So now it's clear that this was a failure of communication on both sides.  You went no-contact with her for 2.5 weeks without bothering to communicate that you actually did want to just cool off and then come back to the relationship.  You should not have "assumed" anything.  You just left and didn't say anything.  She probably took this as you breaking up with her and then has responded accordingly.

[Bluejacketproject]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, you are definitely over-looking the gravity of 2.5 weeks of silence. 

I get that she didn't reach out to you either, but 2.5 is way too long to cool off and not communicate at all. I am not sure why either of you thought this was constructive or made any sort of sense. 

It seems you both assumed things and neither one of you bothered to actually clarify anything. 

 

Makes sense. Im not sure why I thought it would be good for us, It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time honestly to let cooler heads prevail. How long would have been appropriate in this instance?

[Bluejacketproject]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately the relationship has been breaking down for a while especially after the trip. It doesn't seem random at all. After weeks of silence from you during the trip, then another 2 weeks of silence after the trip and argument,  she finally reaches out to you with several ignored texts until you reply.

The breakup was actually when you returned from the trip. She tried to reach out, but after waiting for your replies you tell her to wait another 2 hours to talk. 

It seems like she simply wanted the relationship to be over and got tired of the passive aggressive silent treatments. Deleting and blocking you are simply the next steps on that trajectory. 

Please don't worry about being blocked. It seems like the relationship had been over for a while and blocking was the final reality of that.

 

Thank you for your perspective on this. Looking back I should have been more available for sure. No looking back anymore though, it doesnt matter at this point. 

[Bluejacketproject]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

She's struggling with the break up too.  On the business trip she thought your words & actions were saying that you didn't love her.  You are not going to dissuade her from that erroneous conclusion.  

Do yourself a favor & block her.  When she has these fits where she thinks she wants to talk, she won't be able to reach you.  This way you don't have to go on her emotional roller coaster.  She's never coming back to you so don't bother with her issues  

Makes sense, thank you. 

It was just surreal. Our text conversation was literally like back when we were dating, and then blocked. 

Im glad I was blocked now, it makes things so much easier to move on and forget about her. 

[Bluejacketproject]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

So now it's clear that this was a failure of communication on both sides.  You went no-contact with her for 2.5 weeks without bothering to communicate that you actually did want to just cool off and then come back to the relationship.  You should not have "assumed" anything.  You just left and didn't say anything.  She probably took this as you breaking up with her and then has responded accordingly.

 

Gotcha. I think I have a slight problem of not communicating things maybe I should. A text saying “im going to take a step back for a little” would have been better than nothing. I also feel she could have done the same. 

[ExpatInItaly]

43 minutes ago, Bluejacketproject said:

t just seemed like the right thing to do at the time honestly to let cooler heads prevail.

Which is fine, but it didn't have to mean zero communication. 

44 minutes ago, Bluejacketproject said:

How long would have been appropriate in this instance?

A couple of days, max. 2.5 weeks is nuts. 

[Bluejacketproject]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Which is fine, but it didn't have to mean zero communication. 

A couple of days, max. 2.5 weeks is nuts. 

 

Thanks for the perspective on this. I’ll keep this in mind for the future. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 hours ago, Bluejacketproject said:

Makes sense. Im not sure why I thought it would be good for us, It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time honestly to let cooler heads prevail. How long would have been appropriate in this instance?

None, since the whole problem was that you were uncommunicative and let her twist in the wind and you responded to that by being uncommunicative and letting her twist in the wind.

You're not meant for one another.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Bluejacketproject said:

Gotcha. I think I have a slight problem of not communicating things maybe I should. A text saying “im going to take a step back for a little” would have been better than nothing. I also feel she could have done the same. 

Verbalising it really wouldn't have made a difference.  She was still hurt at how little contact you made while you were away, so no matter how you approach it, pulling a disappearing act was only ever going to add insult to injury.   

I'm actually curious as to what was said in the fight before you both stopped talking to each other.  For both of you to need so much space and time, the fight must have have had a spectacular trading of insults.  What things did you say to each other?   There could well be more clues here.   

Edited December 17, 2023 by basil67

[Bluejacketproject]

2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

None, since the whole problem was that you were uncommunicative and let her twist in the wind and you responded to that by being uncommunicative and letting her twist in the wind.

You're not meant for one another.

 

Fair enough. Thanks 

[Bluejacketproject]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Verbalising it really wouldn't have made a difference.  She was still hurt at how little contact you made while you were away, so no matter how you approach it, pulling a disappearing act was only ever going to add insult to injury.   

I'm actually curious as to what was said in the fight before you both stopped talking to each other.  For both of you to need so much space and time, the fight must have have had a spectacular trading of insults.  What things did you say to each other?   There could well be more clues here.   

 

Yeah Im kicking myself still for the trip I knew it was going to be bad, but I really had no idea. 

For the fight, no insults were thrown. We never put each other down, I always lifted her up, emotionally speaking. 

It was basically her telling me how she felt alone, how she didnt know what I was doing while I was away, whether I was “screwing another girl” or going out and having fun while she was alone. That it made her feel like I didnt care about her at all, that she was worried about me, that she felt like we were on a break and that she hated it. 

As for me, I explained her exactly what I was doing, how I was in peoples houses all day, usually not having cellular service, and driving back roads ive never been on while returning to my hotel and having to use gps and pay attention where I was going, and that still wasn’t an excuse as I should have at least called her every night back at the hotel even for 5 minutes. That I screwed up and never meant to make her feel unwanted, That i missed her and wish I never went on the trip, and to let me fix this. 

What I think set her off was me telling her I had to go to Miami in January but only for 3 days for work and she said “well im coming with you and you’re buying the ticket and we are going to spend time together in Miami”. (For the record, I absolutely hate when people say this kind of stuff to me, no matter who it is, my parents, my best friend etc,  I get furious when someone tells me something in this fashion…that I HAVE  to do something for someone or being ordered to do something like buy her a ticket). So I came back with “buy your own ticket” (bad move on my part, emotions and stress got the best of me for sure)…and that is when she said she needed to decide what was best for her. Hearing that made me shut down and I left. I knew if I stayed it would have been much worse.