About 3 weeks of no contact, ex texts me, wants to talk, then blocks me?

[basil67]

Thanks for the explanation.  OK, some of her words could have been chosen better and she was clearly angry at you, but which part of this upset you so much that you had to disappear for 2.5 weeks?  

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Bluejacketproject said:

.....and to let me fix this. 

What I think set her off was me telling her I had to go to Miami in January but only for 3 days for work and she said “well im coming with you and you’re buying the ticket and we are going to spend time together in Miami”. (For the record, I absolutely hate when people say this kind of stuff to me, no matter who it is, my parents, my best friend etc,  I get furious when someone tells me something in this fashion…that I HAVE  to do something for someone or being ordered to do something like buy her a ticket). So I came back with “buy your own ticket” (bad move on my part, emotions and stress got the best of me for sure)…and that is when she said she needed to decide what was best for her. Hearing that made me shut down and I left. I knew if I stayed it would have been much worse.

You wanted to be able to fix this and she told you how to do it:  Buy her a ticket to Miami so that the two of you could spend time there together.   Assuming that the ticket wouldn't have cost you $500, I think that would have been a great way to make up for what happened.  If something like this sets you off so that you lose control and have to leave, then you've got some serious anger issues going on.

Her actions were not remotely like your father telling you you have to do your chores or visit your grandma.  You were really out of line

[Acacia98]

23 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Maybe she's seeing someone else.

 

That's honestly a possibility that occurred to me.

4 hours ago, Bluejacketproject said:

It was basically her telling me how she felt alone, how she didnt know what I was doing while I was away, whether I was “screwing another girl” or going out and having fun while she was alone. That it made her feel like I didnt care about her at all, that she was worried about me, that she felt like we were on a break and that she hated it. 

As for me, I explained her exactly what I was doing, how I was in peoples houses all day, usually not having cellular service, and driving back roads ive never been on while returning to my hotel and having to use gps and pay attention where I was going, and that still wasn’t an excuse as I should have at least called her every night back at the hotel even for 5 minutes. That I screwed up and never meant to make her feel unwanted, That i missed her and wish I never went on the trip, and to let me fix this. 

What I think set her off was me telling her I had to go to Miami in January but only for 3 days for work and she said “well im coming with you and you’re buying the ticket and we are going to spend time together in Miami”. (For the record, I absolutely hate when people say this kind of stuff to me, no matter who it is, my parents, my best friend etc,  I get furious when someone tells me something in this fashion…that I HAVE  to do something for someone or being ordered to do something like buy her a ticket). So I came back with “buy your own ticket” (bad move on my part, emotions and stress got the best of me for sure)…and that is when she said she needed to decide what was best for her. Hearing that made me shut down and I left. I knew if I stayed it would have been much worse.

I don't know, OP. I mean it's not easy to go for long stretches of time without communication. But this was something you talked about. You were working 70-90 hours per week, and that's no picnic. And of course you almost shut down. Sounds like a pretty stressful experience. I don't think I'd have the energy to reach out to my boyfriend at the end of the workday if that was my situation. And if he was emotionally needy and disappointed at not getting more than, say, 5-minute phonecalls (or very rare calls) it would just add to the stress. Being ambushed with accusations upon my return would only make things worse.

If, on the other hand, my boyfriend were the one traveling and working a stressful job with very little communication, of course I'd feel terrible. But if we had talked about it beforehand, I'd try to be understanding. After all, it's only 6 weeks. It's not like it's a 2-year military deployment in a foreign country. And if it was truly unbearable, we'd talk about it when he came back and I'd tell him I didn't want to have to go through that again.

Honestly, OP, I don't think your relationship was as solid as you thought it was if this experience led to a breakup. Ditto the whole "you're gonna buy me a ticket" thing. That alone should not be catastrophic. It was not a kind response. It would annoy me, but it would be solvable. If, however, the relationship was already unraveling, it makes sense that she felt that it was the last straw.

It's great to take home important lessons about communication and how to do things better. So it's good that you're trying to figure out where you went wrong. But my instincts tell me it's not right for you to shoulder all the blame for the unraveling of the relationship. So if by some miracle, the two of you do decide to reconcile, don't be an absolute doormat. Both of you should be willing and ready to articulate where you went wrong. Both of you should be apologetic for the parts you played.

Edited December 18, 2023 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Bluejacketproject said:

I should have at least called her every night back at the hotel even for 5 minutes. That I screwed up and never meant to make her feel unwanted,

To clairfy - how frequently did you two actually communicate on this trip? 

Every few days? Or? 

[Bluejacketproject]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

You wanted to be able to fix this and she told you how to do it:  Buy her a ticket to Miami so that the two of you could spend time there together.   Assuming that the ticket wouldn't have cost you $500, I think that would have been a great way to make up for what happened.  If something like this sets you off so that you lose control and have to leave, then you've got some serious anger issues going on.

Her actions were not remotely like your father telling you you have to do your chores or visit your grandma.  You were really out of line

 

I dont know If I agree with me being out of line in this regard, but I appreciate your input and Im trying to be reasonable and open minded. Out of line to me would be me screaming at her, which I did nothing of the sort. It was a normal volume level conversation, not an attack on her. 

The ticket to Miami was just under $500 for myself and I got it in November, so it’s likely higher now. I didnt tell her this  as it was her birthday and Xmas present combined, I got us a 8 night cruise in March. I probably would have told her right then if I knew this is how it would have ended up, but clearly not. 

There’s just something about anyone like I said telling me that I need to buy this or do that now. There’s no way for me to not react to this type of passive aggressiveness. Granted I see now that I shouldnt have waited 2.5 weeks, that was too long. I was filing everything in my head as “waiting for things to settle down and give us some space”. Not that was the CORRECT thinking, it’s just what I thought was the best idea. 

I may have some of a avoidant personality type as it’s hard to express my feelings so I need to get this fixed on my end. 

 

Edited December 19, 2023 by Bluejacketproject

[Bluejacketproject]

20 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

That's honestly a possibility that occurred to me.

I don't know, OP. I mean it's not easy to go for long stretches of time without communication. But this was something you talked about. You were working 70-90 hours per week, and that's no picnic. And of course you almost shut down. Sounds like a pretty stressful experience. I don't think I'd have the energy to reach out to my boyfriend at the end of the workday if that was my situation. And if he was emotionally needy and disappointed at not getting more than, say, 5-minute phonecalls (or very rare calls) it would just add to the stress. Being ambushed with accusations upon my return would only make things worse.

If, on the other hand, my boyfriend were the one traveling and working a stressful job with very little communication, of course I'd feel terrible. But if we had talked about it beforehand, I'd try to be understanding. After all, it's only 6 weeks. It's not like it's a 2-year military deployment in a foreign country. And if it was truly unbearable, we'd talk about it when he came back and I'd tell him I didn't want to have to go through that again.

Honestly, OP, I don't think your relationship was as solid as you thought it was if this experience led to a breakup. Ditto the whole "you're gonna buy me a ticket" thing. That alone should not be catastrophic. It was not a kind response. It would annoy me, but it would be solvable. If, however, the relationship was already unraveling, it makes sense that she felt that it was the last straw.

It's great to take home important lessons about communication and how to do things better. So it's good that you're trying to figure out where you went wrong. But my instincts tell me it's not right for you to shoulder all the blame for the unraveling of the relationship. So if by some miracle, the two of you do decide to reconcile, don't be an absolute doormat. Both of you should be willing and ready to articulate where you went wrong. Both of you should be apologetic for the parts you played.

 

I really appreciate you putting yourself in my shoes. Im not excusing my behavior, im trying to own it and learn and grow from it. Your first paragraph described the situation perfectly. 

I believe you're right about our relationship to being as solid as I thought. If it were, she probably would have still been upset about the trip, but we would still be together now and I would have made it up to her 100%.

If she ever does reach out and we somehow rekindle, I know it would work out. I would fight for that to happen.

Above this comment I posted that I believe I have some parts of an avoidant behavior type. I took a quiz online and it mostly matches up with me, where I avoid talking about my feelings, I always keep things in instead expressing things, I believe I can’t rely on people, etc. This most likely had a role in our relationship and my previous relationships as well. Im going to need to figure out how to get around this, apart from forcing myself to express my feelings. Now that we are broken up, Im going to have to figure out a balance here, because women dont want to hear random guys’ feelings when first dating, so that will be…interesting. 

Thanks again!!

[Bluejacketproject]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

To clairfy - how frequently did you two actually communicate on this trip? 

Every few days? Or? 

We were communicating every day, mostly texting. So I’d say an average of 5-10 texts a day and one phone call every week. I think there were a couple of days where we had maybe one or two messages max. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Bluejacketproject said:

I dont know If I agree with me being out of line in this regard, but I appreciate your input and Im trying to be reasonable and open minded. Out of line to me would be me screaming at her, which I did nothing of the sort. It was a normal volume level conversation, not an attack on her. 

No, you didn't attack her.  Instead, you walked out and were gone for 2.5 weeks while you calmed down.  Frankly, I'm surprised that she contacted you again

Quote

The ticket to Miami was just under $500 for myself and I got it in November, so it’s likely higher now. I didnt tell her this  as it was her birthday and Xmas present combined, I got us a 8 night cruise in March. I probably would have told her right then if I knew this is how it would have ended up, but clearly not.

Ah, yes, more than $500 is far too much to be paying for her ticket, and telling her about the cruise would have been a good idea.    But how can you not know that snapping, leaving and staying gone would end badly.  What happens when your best mate tells you that you need to do something?   Like when he's putting together a BBQ and tells you that he needs you to pick up some the ice?

Quote

There’s just something about anyone like I said telling me that I need to buy this or do that now. There’s no way for me to not react to this type of passive aggressiveness. Granted I see now that I shouldnt have waited 2.5 weeks, that was too long. I was filing everything in my head as “waiting for things to settle down and give us some space”. Not that was the CORRECT thinking, it’s just what I thought was the best idea.  

I may have some of a avoidant personality type as it’s hard to express my feelings so I need to get this fixed on my end. 

Telling you to do something isn't passive aggressive.  Instead, it's someone directly telling you what they need from you.  There is no passiveness about it!

But I don't believe that you can't not react. 

• What if your girlfriend says that "you need to do this way" to make her orgasm? You going to storm out?   
• Or imagine you're getting your paperwork together for your accountant and you think you've got it right.  Then accountant then tells you that you need to supply X and Y before it can be submitted.  I reckon you're not going to lose your temper at them. 
• I also reckon that you won't lose your temper if you're being shown a skill and they tell you that you need to do this particular technique. 
• And I think you'd cope if your boss if he tells you that you need to do something. 
• What do you do if you go with your girlfriend to meet her parents and find one is demanding or bossy.  Are you going to storm out or lose your temper and risk alienating your girlfriend?  Of course not.  I think it's more likely you'd excuse yourself for the bathroom and come back when the subject has changed.

I believe that you can manage your reactions if you choose to.  Part of that involves learning how to say "no" in a tactful manner.  Or perhaps you could also learn how buy time to consider what's happening "OK let me have a look at that".   "Let me sleep on it" can also work

 

Edited December 19, 2023 by basil67

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Bluejacketproject said:

We were communicating every day, mostly texting. So I’d say an average of 5-10 texts a day and one phone call every week. I think there were a couple of days where we had maybe one or two messages max. 

Considering the difficult work and travel circumstances you described, this sounds reasonable to me. I do wonder why one of the things she thought was that you had to be cheating on her. Is your ex an especially insecure person or is there a history of cheating in your relationship or any of her previous relationships?

On 12/17/2023 at 7:16 AM, Bluejacketproject said:

When I got back, we had a fight about the trip and how she felt like I abandoned her, how I “barely talked to her”, how she supported me on my trip  (I disagree fully on this, but thats besides the point), etc. The fight ended with her saying “you need to decide what you want and I need to decide what’s best for me”, and then me leaving her place. 

Maybe it's just me but "you need to decide what you want and I need to decide what’s best for me" sounds like break-up talk. It sounds like your ex is a highly insecure person and assumed you were cheating on her. Then she kind of broke up with you as "revenge" when you guys met. Then she thought you would be brokenhearted and beg her for forgiveness or something, but you didn't. So she played that "let's talk" game then blocked you in another act of "revenge."

Unless you did something ( before this trip) that caused her to feel deeply insecure, it sounds like she could be a difficult-to-please and highly demanding person and the breakup would have eventually happened anyway. You may want to review your relationship history and see what it tells you about her personality type.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Bluejacketproject said:

We were communicating every day, mostly texting. So I’d say an average of 5-10 texts a day and one phone call every week. I think there were a couple of days where we had maybe one or two messages max. 

I don't get what her problem is, then. This is fine. 

51 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I do wonder why one of the things she thought was that you had to be cheating on her.

It could be projection - perhaps she had already met someone else, and her guilty conscience was speaking or trying to make enough noise so that OP was distracted and didn't notice what she was up to when he was gone. It would line up with her staging a fight to end the relationship, then being in touch, then going dark again. She could well be testing out a new guy but has been unsure where it would go so kept you on the backburner for a couple weeks, OP. 

[La.Primavera]

I've read your original post and subsequent posts to get a bit more context.  My sense is that she has been feeling a compounding sense of rejection and neglect by you.  

I'm willing to bet this break was a test of your true feelings for her.  Right or wrong, she wanted you to fight for the relationship.  Deep down, I don't think she really believed you would ignore her for so long.  She reached out to you first, which is a clear sign she missed you.  However, despite how good that may have felt temporarily to have your attention again, she still knows you didn't make that choice to reach out to her, and that would sting. 

You didn't make the effort and that in itself is another rejection.  You seem ambivalent.  Nothing changes.  She doesn't feel valued.  After 5 years together, where is this going?  What's the point?  These are the types of thoughts that are probably buzzing around her brain.  In her mind, she did the last thing she could think of to salvage what little pride she had left, and she blocked you.  

At this point, I see two choices.  You need to let her go, or you need to fight for this relationship and prove your truly love to her.  Not just to "win" her back, but long-term sustained effort on communication, flexibility, and attention. 

You just have to figure out what you really want.

[Acacia98]

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't get what her problem is, then. This is fine. 

It could be projection - perhaps she had already met someone else, and her guilty conscience was speaking or trying to make enough noise so that OP was distracted and didn't notice what she was up to when he was gone. It would line up with her staging a fight to end the relationship, then being in touch, then going dark again. She could well be testing out a new guy but has been unsure where it would go so kept you on the backburner for a couple weeks, OP. 

I wouldn't be surprised if this were the case. 

OP, you probably shouldn't jump through hoops to fix this relationship if the opportunity presents itself. Reading between the lines, I have a feeling that your girlfriend is on the manipulative side and that you are tired of being manipulated even though you might not yet be able to articulate it. The fact that you didn't go running to her whenever she pushed a button is kind of telling.

[Bluejacketproject]

On 12/18/2023 at 9:45 PM, basil67 said:

No, you didn't attack her.  Instead, you walked out and were gone for 2.5 weeks while you calmed down.  Frankly, I'm surprised that she contacted you again

Ah, yes, more than $500 is far too much to be paying for her ticket, and telling her about the cruise would have been a good idea.    But how can you not know that snapping, leaving and staying gone would end badly.  What happens when your best mate tells you that you need to do something?   Like when he's putting together a BBQ and tells you that he needs you to pick up some the ice?

Telling you to do something isn't passive aggressive.  Instead, it's someone directly telling you what they need from you.  There is no passiveness about it!

But I don't believe that you can't not react. 

• What if your girlfriend says that "you need to do this way" to make her orgasm? You going to storm out?   
• Or imagine you're getting your paperwork together for your accountant and you think you've got it right.  Then accountant then tells you that you need to supply X and Y before it can be submitted.  I reckon you're not going to lose your temper at them. 
• I also reckon that you won't lose your temper if you're being shown a skill and they tell you that you need to do this particular technique. 
• And I think you'd cope if your boss if he tells you that you need to do something. 
• What do you do if you go with your girlfriend to meet her parents and find one is demanding or bossy.  Are you going to storm out or lose your temper and risk alienating your girlfriend?  Of course not.  I think it's more likely you'd excuse yourself for the bathroom and come back when the subject has changed.

I believe that you can manage your reactions if you choose to.  Part of that involves learning how to say "no" in a tactful manner.  Or perhaps you could also learn how buy time to consider what's happening "OK let me have a look at that".   "Let me sleep on it" can also work

 

 

I know what you’re saying, and I agree if my friend told me to grab a bag of ice, I wouldn’t have any issue with it. It was more about the way she said that to me…it was said like “well you’re GOING to do this for me, or else” kind of way, not a innocent “do this for me” way. She’s done this before in this manner, and I can’t stand it. If she would say it in the innocent way without those underlying tones, I would 100% do it. 

So those examples you’ve listed, I would pretty much fully comply with those, because in those circumstances they’d ask nicely and not DEMAND it of me. When I did have a boss, they would always say “if you would do this/if you dont mind do this/please can you do this/it would be great if you could do this” and it was never an issue. 

Now I remember, I did have a job where my boss demanded I do something once and that didnt turn out so well. I just take this as disrespectful and I hate being disrespected. So when she told me I’m going to buy her a plane ticket and invited herself, I took that as disrespectful. 

Thanks for your ending comment, I will try to use those when necessary. 

[Bluejacketproject]

23 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Considering the difficult work and travel circumstances you described, this sounds reasonable to me. I do wonder why one of the things she thought was that you had to be cheating on her. Is your ex an especially insecure person or is there a history of cheating in your relationship or any of her previous relationships?

Maybe it's just me but "you need to decide what you want and I need to decide what’s best for me" sounds like break-up talk. It sounds like your ex is a highly insecure person and assumed you were cheating on her. Then she kind of broke up with you as "revenge" when you guys met. Then she thought you would be brokenhearted and beg her for forgiveness or something, but you didn't. So she played that "let's talk" game then blocked you in another act of "revenge."

Unless you did something ( before this trip) that caused her to feel deeply insecure, it sounds like she could be a difficult-to-please and highly demanding person and the breakup would have eventually happened anyway. You may want to review your relationship history and see what it tells you about her personality type.

 

Yes, she is insecure because she was married for less than one year after her ex husband cheated on her and stole her money. So I totally understand her insecurity and try to remind her that I’d never cheat on her or hurt her. She also sees women checking me out supposedly and gets insecure about that as well, but I usually take care of that right away. 

I think youre onto something about the insecurity. She could be under the impression I was cheating on her, and that was her way of breaking up without being direct? And the blocking could totally be her way of getting revenge on me. Something to think about for sure. At this point there are many possibilities to the “why”.

Nothing happened before the trip that I know of, everything was normal. Things just went downhill with this trip, and it sucks that it happened like this. There was nothing before the trip that I would have said “im not sure about this relationship because of XYZ” .

[Bluejacketproject]

23 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't get what her problem is, then. This is fine. 

It could be projection - perhaps she had already met someone else, and her guilty conscience was speaking or trying to make enough noise so that OP was distracted and didn't notice what she was up to when he was gone. It would line up with her staging a fight to end the relationship, then being in touch, then going dark again. She could well be testing out a new guy but has been unsure where it would go so kept you on the backburner for a couple weeks, OP. 

 

Thanks for confirming this. Yeah I wasn’t ignoring her, and I was trying to be a good boyfriend. And that is a great point, I was also wondering if something happened back home while I was away that made her have a change of heart, and then used the trip as the reason to end the relationship. Something I’ll never know. 

Im definitely NOT the back burner guy for no one, so thats not going to happen, especially after she blocked me. That ship has sailed!

[Bluejacketproject]

22 hours ago, La.Primavera said:

I've read your original post and subsequent posts to get a bit more context.  My sense is that she has been feeling a compounding sense of rejection and neglect by you.  

I'm willing to bet this break was a test of your true feelings for her.  Right or wrong, she wanted you to fight for the relationship.  Deep down, I don't think she really believed you would ignore her for so long.  She reached out to you first, which is a clear sign she missed you.  However, despite how good that may have felt temporarily to have your attention again, she still knows you didn't make that choice to reach out to her, and that would sting. 

You didn't make the effort and that in itself is another rejection.  You seem ambivalent.  Nothing changes.  She doesn't feel valued.  After 5 years together, where is this going?  What's the point?  These are the types of thoughts that are probably buzzing around her brain.  In her mind, she did the last thing she could think of to salvage what little pride she had left, and she blocked you.  

At this point, I see two choices.  You need to let her go, or you need to fight for this relationship and prove your truly love to her.  Not just to "win" her back, but long-term sustained effort on communication, flexibility, and attention. 

You just have to figure out what you really want.

 

Really good analysis here, thank you for that. I think you might be correct here, and it was a test for me to prove I wanted to be with her, and instead of doing that, I pulled back further. I should have reached out before she did, I waited too long, and I wasn’t caring enough during this time. 

Here’s the thing..I DID want her back and I wanted to work this out, that was until she blocked me. That was the haymaker that sealed the fate of this relationship for me. If you cant even say “I need a few days alone” or whatever and you block me instead, its over. I wouldnt be able to take her seriously again after that. 

I was more trying to find out possibilities of why shed reach out and then block. At the time of this post, I was kind of frantic, and now Im much more mellowed out after the sting of that subsided. 

Thanks for your input!

[La.Primavera]

I get that.  Trust is such a fragile thing.  She did miss you though, and probably still does. 

I know it is small consolation now, but I don't think blocking you was malicious or out of spite.  I think it was out of self-preservation and hurt because she wants something she can't have from you.  It sounds like even you accept that. 

It's sad to think of a five-year ending like this, but maybe it was just time to address those incompatibilities and needs that aren't being met.

 

 

[Acacia98]

13 hours ago, Bluejacketproject said:

 

Yes, she is insecure because she was married for less than one year after her ex husband cheated on her and stole her money. So I totally understand her insecurity and try to remind her that I’d never cheat on her or hurt her. She also sees women checking me out supposedly and gets insecure about that as well, but I usually take care of that right away. 

I think youre onto something about the insecurity. She could be under the impression I was cheating on her, and that was her way of breaking up without being direct? And the blocking could totally be her way of getting revenge on me. Something to think about for sure. At this point there are many possibilities to the “why”.

Nothing happened before the trip that I know of, everything was normal. Things just went downhill with this trip, and it sucks that it happened like this. There was nothing before the trip that I would have said “im not sure about this relationship because of XYZ” .

That makes sense (that she may still reeling from the after-effects of her ex's cheating on her).

I've dated two highly insecure men in the past. And what happened in both cases was that, once they got it into their heads that I wasn't being sufficiently attentive, they cheated. So, in my opinion, it's not outside the realm of possibility that your ex crossed a line with someone in your absence (because she felt neglected) and the subsequent drama followed from that.

You could do everything in your power to try to reassure a highly insecure girlfriend, but a point will come when your efforts simply won't be enough. A day will come when professional demands or illness or family obligations prevent you from being super-attentive for a stretch of time, and that may cause the relationship to unravel.

Setting the insecurity aside, what really stands out to me is that you were working 70-90 hours a week (pretty exhausting) and then travelled back home (I assume the journey was also exhausting) and apparently, she didn't empathize with you. If there's something I've learned from relationships, it's that a caring partner will empathize with you when you are ill or super-exhausted. If someone does not empathize with you under those circumstances and decides to step up their demands then, that is a red flag. It's always a red flag--in my experience. Without fail. I have accurately anticipated that relationships will end from something as simple as a person's failure to empathize with a partner who had a flu or was working double shifts.