This Christmas is 5 years, and he my husband still hold grudge at his aunts.

[married11years]

 

Long term married, been with my husband since 25, and we 39 now.

Sorry English is my third language, I'm Chinese, my husband is not Chinese, so perhaps cultural difference here.

Every year Christmas roll around, I can't stop thinking about this. And I feel bad, that it like it because of "me" that why he lost an aunt, which he does not think like that all, he said I need to understand that he does NOT want someone like her in his life.

I told him to let it go, it been 5 years, he said NEVER, and that he does not want her in his life. He also said it his aunts, let him deal with her. He basically still hold grudge against her and this is Christmas #5

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My husband aunt doesn't like me, due to I can't bear him children (our son died of brain disease, got it from me, brain disease run in my side of the family and I'm the baby's mother), can't carry on the family name, has no college degree, housewife depending on my husband 100% financially, old (39, will be 40 consider high risk mom, hitting menopause), plain looking, leeching on her nephew money, etc.. you get the gist.

During holiday family gettogether his aunts told him to to to China, Russia or other poor countries, and find a younger girl who can birth him a child and carry on the family name, young and beautiful looking, long legs and all, virgin even.

She told him just use his USD income (he has a good paying job), his house, his U.S. citizenship, a poor girl in poor countries WILL married him for his USD and so they can come to U.S. under spousal Visa to get out of poverty and have a better future in U.S.

His aunts also show him photos of her friend's daughter try to matchmaker him.

------ He was furious, like MAD. Right at the dinner table in front of everyone, he slam his fist on the table and yelled "ENOUGH".

Told his aunt to apologize to me, and told her that she no longer his aunt. And point his finger at her and said to everyone that this would be the last time he sit in the same table that has this "woman". He refer to his aunt as "this woman". And do not call him to any family gettogether that has her presence.

And apologize to his mom as he has to leave, and he grabbed my hand and left and slam the door on his way out.

At the time when it happened, I was speechless, he was fierce and even overly protective of me.

Fast forward, this Christmas is year 5, and he still does exactly what he said that day, he has not speak a word to his aunts again, and has not get to any holiday family gettogether that has his aunts in it, and she in ALL the family gettogether, lol. Basically he only see his mom.

It been 5 years and he still hold grudge against her, frankly.

With me, I would let it go. As his aunts was just reminding him that he has OTHER options out there. Does his aunt hurt my feelings? Yes. But I wasn't mad, she he just speaking the truth. And these things are out there, I see it with my own eyes, my childhood friend's husband found a younger girl in China and divorce my best friend and sponsor that young China girl to U.S.

My husband said he will NEVER let it go, and I need to understand he does NOT want a woman like her in his life.

I dunno I feel bad, afterall they are blood related family (it his paternal aunt, his dad deceased already). I feel that it "me" that why he fight with his aunt like that. Had he didn't married me then all this wouldn't happened. I feel that it because of me, I ruin the relationship between him and his aunts.

Edited December 17, 2023 by married11years

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, married11years said:

My husband said he will NEVER let it go, and I need to understand he does NOT want a woman like her in his life.

Please let your husband decide who he does and doesn't want to be close to in his family. 

[mark clemson]

Maybe you only saw the tip of the iceberg and they had been hassling him for a while to leave you. He doesn't want to AND resents their intrusion into his family life. Really it's disrespectful to everyone involved (or at least could be experienced that way). He is a grown man, who knows what options he might have, makes his own choices, and doesn't appreciate their inconsiderate behavior towards you and their disrespect of both you and him (and your deceased son). 

He got "fed up" and doesn't want to hear more of this, and so is done with them. Maybe in another 5 years he will be ok. Maybe...

[Gaeta]

Your husband has a spine, he blocks toxic people out, he's smart.

Respect his wishes.

Contrary to what you think 5 years is not a very long time. She would only bring back the same toxic attitude. Give her another 20 years.

She is the one that should crawl back with an apology.

Edited December 17, 2023 by Gaeta

[MsJayne]

You aren't the cause of this at all. His aunt is a poisonous viper. To say those things about you after you've been through the trauma of losing your child is disgraceful and unforgivable, and the rest of his family should be ashamed and embarrassed to have her at their table. Aunty sounds like she might have some sort of mental problem that stops her from keeping her ugly thoughts to herself, and also she's obviously completely out of touch with the 21st century. Your husband is 100% right to refuse to join any family gathering if she is included. 

[Acacia98]

OP, your husband's aunt attacked your husband and his family. What she did was so blatantly disrespectful to him and offensive that he was justified in his reaction. And frankly speaking, it was so egregious that if he had witnessed her do it to a complete stranger, he would have been justified in reacting the way he did.

Now, if you have found it in your heart to forgive her, that is your right. And if your husband has chosen to keep his distance from her, that is his right. It is wrong for you to try to override his feelings and  push him to expose himself and his family to a venomous auntie whose poison he has been exposed to all his life.

The fact that you're feeling guilty suggests that you are used to being abused or treated as if you don't matter. I strongly suggest that you get counselling to help you deal with your loss and the mistreatment you have faced as well as your current feelings of worthlessness.

It is not your fault that your husband's relationship with his aunt has been severed. It is 100% her fault. This is who she is. She must have a track record of treating other people like this. And it is highly likely that she would have treated your husband and any other woman he married the same way. People who behave this way tend to do so consistently. I should know. I have aunts who are very similar to her.

[Els]

It's his decision. Honestly, they would probably have found fault with him for something else if he hadn't been with you, and it would have happened anyway. People like that are impossible to deal with.

[ShyViolet]

On 12/17/2023 at 9:37 AM, married11years said:

 

With me, I would let it go. As his aunts was just reminding him that he has OTHER options out there. Does his aunt hurt my feelings? Yes. But I wasn't mad, she he just speaking the truth. And these things are out there, I see it with my own eyes, my childhood friend's husband found a younger girl in China and divorce my best friend and sponsor that young China girl to U.S.

This is a bizarre thing of you to say.  Do you have really low self-esteem?  Why are you making excuses for the aunt who said horrible things about you and who tried to convince your husband to leave you?  Why wouldn't you be happy that your husband stood up for you?

 

On 12/17/2023 at 9:37 AM, married11years said:

I dunno I feel bad, afterall they are blood related family (it his paternal aunt, his dad deceased already). I feel that it "me" that why he fight with his aunt like that. Had he didn't married me then all this wouldn't happened. I feel that it because of me, I ruin the relationship between him and his aunts.

Honestly who cares if he cut her out of his life?  He had his reasons.  It's his decision.  I don't understand why you feel so bad and are almost taking the aunt's side.

[married11years]

Thank you so much for the inputs/advice. I just log back in and read the replies

I know this is a me problem. I do have low self-worth and self-esteem, and I don't like to sugarcoat myself, I see things as is, the truth is he has other options out there like his aunt, and the truth is I cannot give him a healthy child, because brain disease run in my side of the family. Perhaps I'm even self-sabotage.

I love him so I want the best for him, if another woman can give him a family full of laughters and children to pass on his genes and his family name, then I don't mind to step away so he can have the best life he can.

But he get defensive when I said those words to him. He said he is the only one can define what his happiness is, and know what make him happy and who can give him happiness. Nobody can dictate his life for him, not his mom, not even me his wife, let alone someone like his aunt.

He said his happiness is me, he said he loves me very much and want to grow old together with me, That is ALL he ask for, he doesn't need children, he wants us to grow old together.

And he not want his aunt anywhere near me, she disrespectful to me, and he doesn't want her to instill bullock things like this in my head.

I dunno, but I guess he understand my low self-worth and low self-esteem, so if me keep hear his aunt say these things it not in any way helping my brain or helping me.