He has Avoidant Attachment style and I dont know where we stand - ghosted?

[Minty33year]

I´m having a hard time with someone now that I dated for 1 month. We had an amazin 16 hour first date with museum, dinner, then sleepover at his place, but he canceled another date a couple days later and then got sick for long time. We had a great 2nd date at his place though and he gave hearts before and after that meeting.
Then he said it didn't feel quite right (blamed that it's because I dated other people in the beginning but he canceled the 2nd date himself, was silent for 4 days and updated his Tinder  profile so he didn't feel so serious.).

I have really tried to show that I want to bet on him seriously, but he interpreted something wrong in a phone call once when I said "so what should we do?" Mean like if we see each other that weekend but he thought I was asking if we were going to meet others so he backed off and dumped me 4 days later with the "it don't feel quite right" justification.

Then we still saw each other 1 week ago on my behaf, talked, slept and snuggled a lot for 12 hours, everything seemed fine again, better than the other dates, it felt more harmonious and serious. He opened up about sick grandfather, that he grew up with a cat and said he thinks the 1st child should come soon after the first dog he wants in a few years, etc. When I ask if he wants to come home to me soon, he said "maybe, if you're kind", and I suggested we can go to the spa hotel I bought as a Christmas present earlier, it was supposed to be this Saturday (yesterday) after his coffee course but he replied sweepingly that he doesn't know when it's over.. so asked him to check it and let me know.
This is the 3rd date in the morning i write about. He still seemed comfortable/himself, gave me coffee and showed me a picture of a dog 1 minute before I was going home..

I definitely didn't feel like the last time we'll see each other because it felt pretty good. However, he still seemed unsure sometimes during this 3rd meeting, as soon as I mentioned "you're the best" he looked at me sceptically and said "better than the others?🙄"+ when I said the big condoms were finnished soon and wondering if he could get some he said with a glare: "the big ones are over because you used others?🙄" I hate his disbelief.

On the last date I was kind sexy nice, gave him a lot of massages, facial and everything... he was cute before we slept and said "make yourself comfortable", since the date I've really tried not to post pictures of food/ something that can look like other dates, just been with lots of friends and stuff like that. He looks at everything (this is on snapchat) but says nothing. Meamwhile he doesnt post anything i can see at least, but i see his snapchat-scores goes up everyday so he do send pics to someone...
It's been exactly 1 week since we saw each other and it's been quiet. I feel ghosted. I'm really trying to wait for his next move but it feels like it's never coming??

I consider texting "Hi, how are you?:)" to see what he replies but scared again he says he doesn't want to see me anymore. Don't understand why I don't seem worthy of being his girlfriend!? He had mentioned golddigger-vibes as a reason which ive tried to turn down by buying the spa hotel gift and paying for taxi myself + decline when he offered taxi last morning (i took bus). And i´ve said we can do things for free! Doesnt have to cost anything, i just wanna be in his company...

Feels like I did a lot right and really struggle to show that I care and stuff.. and now I'm trying to be quieter than ever and try to live my own life happily = everything that's attractive, so what's missing?  some advice? 🙏 would appreciate it.
Trying to let the ball stay in his court but they are so difficult.. nothing happens ;( except that he checks what I post like a ghost
Im really afraid to hit him up now that he´s gonna dismiss me again. I cant deal with all that heartache this close to Christmas, New Year and my 35th birthday. He is 30 bytheway and also mentioned that we are a bit on diffrent levels, it hurts. I know we can have it sooo good, the sex is the bes i´ve ever had, and i think he likes it too he said we have an incredibly strong sexual chemistry and other great dynamic between us with dialogues etc too so i dont know whats missing 😕

I think he is avoidant attachment type and im ambivalent which makes me cling while he seems to want more space.
My last tactic is gonna be quiet but i dont know if i can do it for 30 days (no contact) its gonna suck. he probably will move on if he havent already. My only hope then is if he loses the interests of the girl he might see now and starts missing me but i dont know if i can hope that.. it sucks that he isnt more into me than this. Ive really given it my all and best!

I want to invite him for dinner cause i havent had so clean appartment for 4 years, not even my two exes have been here. but now ive cleand and am proud of how it looks.. wanna show it to him and get cozy here, build our relationship. In my dreams we´ll gonna celebrate christmas together, share a NYE kiss and he give me agift for my birthday but i bet its not gonna happen and its making me DEPRESSED! I was in bed half day, declining friend´s calls.. then got to the gym but ate a pizza and now do loundry.. i have a lot to figure out job-wise (i´m currently unemployed).. so it would be amazing to have a boyfriend like him to snuggle with and build a life together but i hear how hard that´s gonna be.

I get so many diffrent advice.. like stay no contact 30 day, or ask him whats up and why he still doesnt wanna see me more it seems (he probably went back to his decicion we arent right for each other , but i dont belive it! i just think he is insecure in himself and jealous.. afraid to lose me cause he said every girl he has is unfaitful and such things.. i ´m not! But maybe he suspects that...

So what can i do to make him want me again? If he is avoidant attachment it feels so hard. But he has both his parents growing up and they are not divorced.. so maybe he is secure b ut just not interested in me? 😕

Right now my plan is to write perhaps tomorrow evening try to call, if he doesnt answer I text: "Hi, how are you? bet you make the best coffee in town now " (cause he said he will after a coffee-course).. I dont know.. then if it goes well i can ask if he wanna come home to me for dinner this week??

I am in love with him and havent felt this way for someone in many years! So I really don´t want to just "move on and let it go".

I really need your best advice to make him want me as his girlfriend please! ❤️

Edited December 17, 2023 by Minty33year

[basil67]

You've gotten far too over invested in a guy who you barely know.  It's really not at all healthy to be professing love this early on an with a guy who doesn't see you as a match for him.   For your own mental health, delete, block and move on

[NuevoYorko]

Who cares what kind of pop psychology label you are assigning to this guy?  Just deal with what's in front of you:  his behavior.  He is not behaving like a person who has any serious interest in having a relationship with you.  He's also generally behaving like a nincompoop who you'd be pretty unwise to become involved with.

While you're at it, check yourself.  You've made a lot of poor decisions in this situation.  16 and 12 hour dates in the beginning of dating?  Trying to tailor your social media posts to assuage his insecurities?  WAY too much too soon.

Again, this was the beginning of dating and from everything you've shared, it was pretty much a wreck the whole time.  Which was no more than a single month.  So, nothing to really hold on to.

Please, move on.

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Minty33year said:

It's been exactly 1 week since we saw each other and it's been quiet. I feel ghosted. I want to invite him for dinner 

Why not text him and invite him to dinner? You'll have your answer to everything depending on his reply.

Does he know you're unemployed? You don't seem to be pulling your weight or reciprocating. He's been doing all the planning and entertaining and the marathon dates are just way too long. You're oversaturating him. 

If you haven't heard anything for a week, please don't play silly games like "30 day no contact rule", etc.  

Invite him for dinner. It's either yes or no. If he doesn't reply or accept the date, you can move forward at least knowing you tried. 

Sending silly "hi what's up" texts seems like you want him to continue to entertain you without you making any effort whatsoever. 

Edited December 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Minty33year]

Thank you, can i write something like this:

"Hello how are you? Guess you can make the best coffee in town now after the course 😉 (i know he was looking forward to learn more about coffee this saturday)
I've made it nice and cozy at home, so I thought I'd ask if you want to stop by soon 😊 I'm thinking coffee, a drink or dinner"

+ perhaps write "And i´d really apriciate if you can help me build my new computer-chair🙏" but i dont know he seemed a bit hezitant when i asked about it last time we met.. so i might skip that part, just thought it would be good to make him feel useful and helping but maybe its better to keep it light and easy breezy...

should i suggedt Wednesday? Or just leave it open to when he wanna stop by..?

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Minty33year said:

 I thought I'd ask if you want to stop by soon 😊 I'm thinking coffee, a drink or dinner"

This is fine. Please leave out too much chitchat and actually invite him for dinner.  And please pick a mutually agreeable time. 

[Minty33year]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is fine. Please leave out too much chitchat and actually invite him for dinner.  And please pick a mutually agreeable time. 

Thanks ok, another friend adviced me to split it into two parts, first ask how he is doing and if the coffee course was good.

But my aim is to invite him for dinner or meet somehow, so im afrid to chitchat too much, he isnt a good texter..

Actually i want to give him a call, but im afraid he´s gonna think that´s too intimidating after 1 week scilence, so its probably better with a small text likte this..

Perhaps this is better even:

"Hi, hope you´re well. I´m wondering if you wanna do something in town, or come over for dinner this week, when does it suit you?   I suggesst Wednesday"

or what do you think?

Edited December 18, 2023 by Minty33year

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Minty33year said:

"Hi, hope you´re well. I´m wondering if you wanna come over for dinner this week, when does it suit you? 

Much better. Send this out then see how he replies. 

[Alpacalia]

What's with the big condom reference?

[Minty33year]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Much better. Send this out then see how he replies. 

Thanks ok ill write it. so afraid he´s gonna dump me again though but what do i have to lose? "Just" my dignity.. do you have skype or chat somewhere? wish i could speak to you privatly not here openly about his reply then..
another thing though is im very uncomfortable with cooking food, im not good at it im imagining, have to learn some recepie.. perhaps saffroon shrip truffle parmesan pasta or something? or just go and get thaifood, not having to cook but i should be able to cook.

One time in the beginning of our dating he asked me to come over to him and cook, i was baffled.. cause i felt it was he who should court me, especially since he´s been withdrawn and turned down a date  2 hours before we should meet etc.. so i declined.. but looks like im gonna have to do it now anyway.. its not as fancy to invite for wine or cake or something lighter?? i know food is the way to a man´s heart.. lol

 

 

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

What's with the big condom reference?

he inclined that i must have used condoms with someone else when i said they are finnished soon and asked him to buy some ( I just wanted him to have it too cause sometimes we have to throw one away when its thread on with wrong side or just use many.. so i dont want to constantly have to buy ones for him, he should have a stack at home.. he said before he´s gonna buy it but didnt so when i came to him last time i had condoms with me (somethim im afraid he suspects cause the meeting was sontaneous, so he might think i was planning to sleep with someone that night not specifically him 😕 but rather have condoms than not! )

I havent slept with anyone since summer and him. just wish he could believe me. And btw i really wanted to go to a spa hotel i baught for him as christmas present.. but looks like its in vain right now.. i hope if i get him to dinner he´s gonna be more comfortable and perhaps follow me to the spa hotel soon too.. just sad that i probably absolutely not will be invited to his family for christmas.. and i dont have one 24 so im gonna be alone that day.. it sucks.. wish i already was his girlfriend =( but looks dark now... since he snapchats with someone else ( I see his score goes up every day several points)

Edited December 18, 2023 by Minty33year

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Minty33year said:

 not having to cook but i should be able to cook.

Get takeout or preprepared food if you don't want to cook. It's available everywhere. The point is to not just expect to be entertained and have guys do everything and pay everything. Please stop asking for favors also. 

Edited December 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

43 minutes ago, Minty33year said:

+ perhaps write "And i´d really apriciate if you can help me build my new computer-chair🙏" but i dont know he seemed a bit hezitant when i asked about it last time we met.. so i might skip that part, just thought it would be good to make him feel useful and helping but maybe its better to keep it light and easy breezy...

Please don't do this.  The reason he was hesitant last time was because he didn't want to do it.  And I don't blame him, because if a guy I barely knew said "come for dinner,, Id really appreciate if you hemmed my pants" I'd respond with 🤣🙄

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Why are you so desperate to be his girl? Frankly, his comment about using big condoms and implying that you have been with other people is very disrespectful and hurtful. It's not a good sign that he takes such a negative view of you and your actions.

[MsJayne]

Stop with the Snapchat stalking and just text asking him if he'd like to come over for dinner one night this week. He'll either say yes or no. Put some thought into what you've got to offer in a relationship, because cuteness, massages, and sex aren't enough. If he's dropped hints that he thinks you're seeing other guys, it's probably because you seem too easily available to him and he thinks you're like that with all men. You say you're currently unemployed and he's intimated that you're a gold digger - unfortunately it's a fact of life that most people don't want to get involved with someone who may turn into a big financial burden, so maybe focus on finding work if you want to make yourself more attractive to him. 

[Acacia98]

OP, come on. This guy does not genuinely care about you and you don't genuinely care about him. A 16-hr long first date with a sleepover is as unwise as it gets. You don't really know each other at that point, so it seems more like you're trying to fill a vacuum in your life and it doesn't really matter who you fill it with. He, on the other hand, basically sounds like he's alternating between showering you with excessive attention and being a jerk towards you. And he is being a jerk, no question about it. He makes those unkind remarks to you so that he can hurt your feelings and make you feel like you're not good enough. The goal is to make you desperate to be with him. In the meantime, he is not desperate to be with you and is keeping his options open by dating other women. Those are classic pickup artist methods. Look up "pickup artist." They are also the methods that emotionally abusive partners use.

I'm not sure you're going to listen to this advice, but I'm going to give it anyway. Any man you date has every right to have second thoughts about dating you, and you have every right to have second thoughts about dating him. We don't know if the people we're dating are right for us in the early phases. That's why we take things slow at the very beginning. So anyone who talks to you about moving in together, having kids together, and having pets together at that point can't possibly mean what he's saying. You haven't yet had the time to gauge each other and learn about each other. You don't know what the other person is really like. So there's nothing wrong with him wondering if you're right for each other. In fact, you are supposed to be doing the same. You're supposed to be asking yourself if you genuinely want to be with someone who alternates between flattering you and insulting you. You're supposed to wonder if someone who is inconsistent and apparently has regular mood swings is right for you. You're both supposed to wonder about your suitability for each other. But neither of you should be insulting the other or treating the other like some cheater or criminal.

This guy is manipulative and has a mean streak. Don't try to blame his supposed attachment style for it. There are plenty of people who are avoidant and manage to be avoidant without doing all the unkind things he does to you. 

[Minty33year]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get takeout or preprepared food if you don't want to cook. It's available everywhere. The point is to not just expect to be entertained and have guys do everything and pay everything. Please stop asking for favors also. 

I know.. i payed for my own taxi and declined when he offered me taxi home (i took the bus) so im not just expecting him to do all for me. ive told him i dont care what we do as long as we´re together in it.. like taking walks or such is ok too. i havent asked him for any favors? what do you refer to?

 

 

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Please don't do this.  The reason he was hesitant last time was because he didn't want to do it.  And I don't blame him, because if a guy I barely knew said "come for dinner,, Id really appreciate if you hemmed my pants" I'd respond with 🤣🙄

he dumped me on false accusations.. like that i wanted to meet others which i dont and that i want a guy to pay for everything (also false) so no.. ive been at his place 3 times and he never been at mine, so i think its ok to invite him over.. I asked him last meeting if he´d be keen for it and he said "Maybe, only if you´re nice.." 😛 he is hard..

 

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Why are you so desperate to be his girl? Frankly, his comment about using big condoms and implying that you have been with other people is very disrespectful and hurtful. It's not a good sign that he takes such a negative view of you and your actions.

I told him "stop it, i trust you and i hope you trust me!" i just think he is hurt by many girls earlier who were using him as a toy-boy, he said "all girls cheat on or with me" and seemed sad, so i dont take it so personally.

 

17 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Stop with the Snapchat stalking and just text asking him if he'd like to come over for dinner one night this week. He'll either say yes or no. Put some thought into what you've got to offer in a relationship, because cuteness, massages, and sex aren't enough. If he's dropped hints that he thinks you're seeing other guys, it's probably because you seem too easily available to him and he thinks you're like that with all men. You say you're currently unemployed and he's intimated that you're a gold digger - unfortunately it's a fact of life that most people don't want to get involved with someone who may turn into a big financial burden, so maybe focus on finding work if you want to make yourself more attractive to him. 

I know, im just so afriad he is gonna say "i never wanna see you again"- type of message dont know how to handle if he does..
Yeah thats why i tried to stop putting out pics on food or outfits that implies im on  dates... and also deleted "#date" old pics on snapchat spotlight stories he complained about that guys comment and he doesnt like that thing.. also ive given him space for over 1 week now, so im really trying my best here! Instead of turning me down please rather give kind advice.. like what should i offer in a relationship? Im really doing my best here, trying to be a good companion and all..

Im not a financial burden, i have my own appartment and saved money, im just unemployed due to a knee injury i had to rehab a lot + other traumas earlier this ear which made me need psychiatrist, but its getting better so i can soon be able to take on work.  He on the other hand makes like 10000$ / month businesswise so yeah its a difference between us 😕 he said it doesnt matter with things like that though, what matters to him is a FEELING he wants to have he didnt feel with me he said 1.5 weeks ago.. He said he has a friend since he was a kid who is like his "Robyn in how i met your mother", i dont understand what he means but he said that what he feels for her is what he wants to feel for the one he dates.. very confusing cause there isnt more details. i guess he must mean respect  safety trust or something

 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Minty33year said:

I told him "stop it, i trust you and i hope you trust me!" i just think he is hurt by many girls earlier who were using him as a toy-boy, he said "all girls cheat on or with me" and seemed sad, so i dont take it so personally.

He can be hurt all he wants. But it's NOT OKAY to make those types of comments towards you, period. He's full of it. Please don't try to make yourself appear more desirable when this person obviously isn't capable of being in a healthy relationship with anyone. He's currently using you without any plans on stopping until he is ready to move onto the next person. Nothing you do will make him want you. NO ONE is the need of anyone. Please remember that. He's not the person for you.

[MsJayne]

8 minutes ago, Minty33year said:

what matters to him is a FEELING he wants to have he didnt feel with me he said 1.5 weeks ago

Hmm, I think you're going to get hurt here, Minty.  I think he's trying to be honest and you're not wanting to hear him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Please do not embarrass yourself by asking this man for another date. 

His disinterest could not be more obvious. I am sorry to be harsh, but you need to stop all communication with him. He is not going to be your boyfriend and you should not resort to practically begging for attention from a man. 

[BaileyB]

Girl, you got to stop trying to convince this man to date you - he’s not interested. 

Why would you ever chose to be in a relationship with this guy - he sounds like a jerk! 

[stillafool]

On 12/17/2023 at 5:40 PM, Minty33year said:

think he is avoidant attachment type and im ambivalent which makes me cling while he seems to want more space.
My last tactic is gonna be quiet but i dont know if i can do it for 30 days (no contact) its gonna suck. he probably will move on if he havent already. My only hope then is if he loses the interests of the girl he might see now and starts missing me but i dont know if i can hope that.. it sucks that he isnt more into me than this. Ive really given it my all and best!

If you have to use tactics to get a man to fall for you it's not going to happen.  He isn't the avoidant attachment type girl, he's just not interested.  You are bending yourself in knots to try to get this guy to like you, stop it.  That alone will turn him off.  If he is sending pictures to other women he's probably still dating girls in their 20s, like most 30 year old men.  Maybe he thinks at the age of 35 and no job, you are a gold digger.   I would put all of my concentration on getting a job and a career if I were you.  That will put you in a position to meet and date more eligible bachelors.